AN: So, I realized I haven't done one of these in a long time, so I thought, what the hey, and wrote this spoof.
Once upon a time there was a woodcutter who had a wife and two children, a son named Hansel and a daughter named Gretel. One year there was a great famine, and the family was almost out of food, the woodcutter and his wife sat up late into the night, thinking about what they would do, unaware of the fact that the children were still awake and listening to them.
"I've got it!" exclaimed the wife. "Tomorrow we will lead the children into the wood and leave them there. Better that we get rid of them then have all four of us starve."
The woodcutter looked unsure. "I don't know if I could do that to my children." he said.
His wife glared at him. "Well if you don't I will. I have absolutely no problems with doing it."
Suddenly Hansel ran into the room. "That's because you aren't our mother! You're an evil old witch!" he shouted.
"Shut up boy!" the woman, who was in fact the children's stepmother, and the witch in another tale, stood up and grabbed Hansel by the ear. She walked out of the room, dragging Hansel, then grabbed Gretel and left the house, heading for the forest.
She dragged the children deep into the woods, then ran away, laughing evilly.
"Way to go Hansel. If you hadn't done that, we may have been able to think of a way to mark our trail when they took us to the woods in the morning, instead of the middle of the night!" Gretel shouted.
"Oh. Sorry. I didn't think." Hansel said, sounding very apologetic.
"Again." Gretel muttered. "I'm going to sleep. We'll figure out how to get out in the morning."
The next morning the siblings woke to find themselves in a part of the forest they didn't recognize. "Great. We're probably horribly lost." Gretel complained. "Well, we may as well just head in one direction." she said, and began to walk. Hansel hurried after her.
"Do you have any idea where you're going?" he asked after a while.
"Of course not." Gretel replied.
They had been walking for about an hour when suddenly a big wolf appeared.
"Good day, Little Red Riding Hood." he said. "Whe...wait, who are you?"
"Hansel and Gretel." Gretel replied. "Little Red Riding Hood is a few stories that way."
"Oh, how stupid of me. Carry on." the wolf said and hurried on.
Gretel shook her head and continued walking. About two hours after the wolf incident, she and her brother came across a house in a clearing. This was, however, no ordinary house.
"Sweet! A candy house!" Hansel exclaimed and ran to it. He started eating one of the windows, which were made of spun sugar. "Sweet..."
Gretel shook her head. "Honestly Hansel. Do you have any idea what this is? For all we know some hag lives here and eats kids!"
"No, no dearies. I'm not a hag and I definitely don't eat children."
Gretel spun around to see who spoke. It had been an old woman, who looked harmless.
"Now, why don't you two come inside and have some real food." the old woman said, going back in the house, Hansel hurrying after. Gretel sighed and followed her brother.
After they had eaten their fill, the old woman led them to a room with two soft beds in it. The two siblings laid down and shortly fell asleep. But while the children were sleeping, the witch snuck into the room and carried Hansel off and put him in a cage. Then she went back to the room and poked Gretel with a stick.
"Stop poking me!" Gretel shouted as she got up. "What do you want anyway?" she asked, glaring at the woman.
"Well dearie. You were right. I do eat kids. So I want you to start cooking for your brother so I can fatten him up."
"And why should I do that?" Gretel asked defiantly.
"Because if you don't I'll throw you in the oven!" the witch threatened.
Gretel rolled her eyes. "No you won't. See?" she asked, pulling out a copy of Grimm's Fairy Tales. "When you try and push me in the oven, I out smart you and you get pushed in the oven."
The witch snatched the book from her hands. "Let me see that." she snapped. "Hmm...I guess I do. Well, why don't we just skip to that part, alright?"
Gretel nodded. "Okay. Go over to the oven...perfect." Gretel pushed the witch in the oven, then closed it up and locked it. "Have fun dying!" she called out as she went to free her brother.
After she freed Hansel, they looked around the witches house and found a box full of jewels.
"Sweet..." Hansel said.
"Okay, what is with you and that word?" Gretel asked.
Hansel shrugged. "It's a fun word?"
Gretel shook her head and the two of them stuffed their pockets with jewels.
After a couple days they managed to find their way home to their father. When they got home, there was much rejoicing, because their stepmother had yet to return from the story where she is the villain. Eventually she did return, and was saddened at the death of her sister at the hands of her stepdaughter, but she thought the jewels were pretty and shiny, so she didn't care for too long.