Family Therapy – Cullen Style

So here we go again! I want to the jashaw who gave me this hilarious idea and is letting me run with it. I hope you get a good laugh out of it.

The first two chapters are from Carlisle's point of view, something new for me, to be in the mind of Carlisle Cullen. He may read as much more sarcastic than usual, sorry if you are a Twilight purist, that's just how my mind works:) it's funnier that way so I take artistic license with it.

Bella is still human, and she and Edward are not yet married but they have graduated from High school. Tensions have been running high in the house so they are all on edge and short with each other so they are slightly OOC.. just warning you... Review when you're done.

I own nothing. Boo Hoo Stephenie Meyer owns the crazy Cullen family. I just mess with their minds :)

Quit your Bickering

Carlisle's POV

It had been a long day at the hospital, I had not seen the sun all day long. It had yet to rise when I left this morning and had already set as I slowly walked out of the hospital. With darkness all round me, I saw the lights of my home dancing in the distance.

The car glided into the garage and I hurried into the house, anxious to see my wife. There was nothing I liked more at the end of a long day than to spend some quiet time with her. Images of her smiling face filled my head as I threw open the door to the house.


I didn't get another word out before I was verbally attacked by my loving family.

"Carlisle, look what the boys did to my wall, again!" Esme was pointing at a huge, Emmett shaped dent in the wall. She had just got done repainting the kitchen from the flying frying pan incident the night before...

"Emmett is the most inconsiderate person I have ever met" Edward huffed. Emmett no doubt had made another off color comment about Bella.

"Jasper keeps messing with my emotions! It's not my fault." Emmett whined. Of course, Jasper got bored and manipulated Emmett into saying something stupid and Edward overreacted as always.

"Oh Edward, just because you can't control your temper doesn't mean it's Jasper's fault! Take some personal responsibility." Alice chimed in, protecting her husband even though she knew he was, in fact, to blame.

"Well, if your husband would stop getting mine in trouble, I would appreciate it Alice. And you and your little girlfriend need to get some thicker skin!" Rosalie hissed as she pointed her finger at Edward and Bella. She still refused to accept Bella as a part of this family and of course she was the only one allowed to constantly manipulate Emmett's fragile emotional state .

"Hi Carlisle. How was your day?" Bella asked sheepishly from the couch. Why is the human the only sensible one? You would think that with all of our years of experience we would at the least be able to begin to master the most important relationships in our lives.

"Hello Bella. My day was terrible thanks for asking. As for the rest of you, I want to have a family meeting right now! Bella would you please join us?" I smiled at her, but turned to glare at the rest of them as they all silently walked over to the dining room table. When everyone was seated, I took my spot at the head of the table. Normally I would sit, but I was too irritated and so I began pacing behind the chair as I tried to figure out what we should do to fix this situation. They all waited patiently and gave me a moment with my thoughts.

This type of welcome home had become increasingly routine. I would walk through the door only to see the boys wrestling around on the floor, a wake of damage to Esme's house all around them, or the girls would be bickering about one thing or another. Things like this happened when people lived together for decades, it was somewhat normal, but the fact they continued to fight over the same ridiculous things was starting wear on my patience. It had to stop, and I made my decision about how we would proceed. They would hate it, and I wasn't sure it would work, but there were some issues that needed to be addressed by this family and I saw this as the safest way to proceed. They would all be forced to be on their best behavior and who knows, it just might work or at the very least, annoy them into behaving better.

Get out of my head Edward, you'll find out when they do. And you will not like my decision, but you and Bella will go along with it without complaint. Edward nodded apologetically, knowing he had been caught.

That boy just hated to wait like the rest of them. Then Alice groaned, she obviously saw my decision now that it was made. "Enough from you Alice." I responded to her glaring eyes with raised eyebrows. She clenched her jaw and quieted down.

"So thank you all for coming to this meeting. I wanted to talk to you all about some of the things that have been going on around here lately." I started calmly. I saw Edward roll his eyes, Emmett pointed at Jasper and Rosalie shot a nasty look Bella's way. Perfect open minded vampire family.

"Over the last few weeks, I have noticed the arguing around here has really increased...the fights are happening daily and the verbal attacks on each other, and to our guests," I gave Bella a nod "have turned more vicious than ever. I am not blaming anyone in particular," Emmett coughed Jasper's name causing Alice to smack him. I crossed my arms and waited for their attention. When they realized I was watching, they looked solemnly down at the table.

"This is just one of those things that can happen to our kind when you spend every minute of the day together for several decades. I don't want anyone to leave, or go live on their own for a while, I don't feel that is the best thing to do in this situation. I have another suggestion that I would like the family to try, and when I say family, I'm including you in that Bella." Her eyes got wide and a nervous smile played on her face. Of course, Rosalie rolled her eyes at me calling Bella family but she was as much a part of this family as any of us even if she was human. Here's where things would get sticky... I took a deep breath and said "As head of this house I am making an executive decision we are all going to family therapy."

Edward slammed his hand on the table and started talking so fast under his breath, I simply ignored him. Rosalie continued filing her nails, completely ignoring me. Emmett scoffed at the suggestion while I could feel Jasper's confusion from across the table. Alice still had her jaw set and refused to look at me. My eyes immediately went to Esme's, she would be the voice of reason, she would see why this was necessary.

"Do you really think that's a good idea Carlisle?" She asked tentatively looking around the room at the children's' reactions. "And are there really vampire family therapists?"

"Well, no, but a new human family therapist just joined on at the hospital and I think he may be able to help us. I had lunch with him a few times and I have heard he is very good, I think you all would like Dr. Dover, he's young and he has a lot of fresh ideas. He might be able to help us."

Bella looked over at Edward, who had assumed his uber-stressed pose with his fingers pinching the bridge of his nose, before she spoke. "Um, I'll go Carlisle if you think it will help everyone." Her voice was so timid, but I knew she was a stubborn girl and when she made a decision she stuck with it which meant...Edward was now in whether he liked it or not. He'd never let Bella do this alone. I smiled.

Looks like you'll be joining us son, I am so happy.

Edward glanced at me, and then quickly went to work on Bella since he realized they were a package deal. "Bella, you do not have to go to therapy with my family. Just because they all have mental issues, doesn't mean you have to endure this kind of punishment."

"This coming from our suicidal brother! Edward, if anyone need to be there it is you! We have all put up with your self hatred, your anger issues and now your new stalkerish tendencies for over half a century." Rosalie spat at him. Edward rose to his feet but Bella clutched his arm. He glanced down at her and she simply said "Please, sit down Edward." and he listened. She really was the best thing that ever happened to him.

"Rosalie is right. Why do we have to go to therapy if Edward's the one with all the issues? Make him go, and when he's normal, everything will be better." Emmett bellowed.

I held up my hands to make them stop. "Listen, if you want me to go around the room and tell you why I think you need therapy, fine. Edward...well, you know why, Rose just told you." Edward growled in Rosalie's direction. Bella placed a supportive hand on his shoulder.

"Jasper, with power comes responsibility. Feeling our emotions is something you may not be able to control but manipulating them for your own enjoyment is quite another and you do it all the time now, like it's some sort of sick compulsion. Not to mention the fact that your lack of control almost ended Bella's life maybe you should focus a little more on your own emotional state instead of everyone else's."

"Alice, you also manipulate and meddle in things that aren't your business. Bella and Edward's future is just that their future. Let people make their own mistakes quit trying to be the controlling power of the universe. People make mistakes that is how they learn. You need to admit that your shopping addiction has gotten out of control. You are masking your problems instead of learning to deal with them. And why on earth do you care so much what Bella's clothes look like? She is a real person Alice, you have to let her be who she is. She is not your personal Barbie doll." Alice looked sheepishly down at the floor.

"Rosalie, for some reason you have an issue with Bella and though you make no secret about it the big secret is why that is? Are you jealous? Do you need to be the center of attention that badly? I have tried to talk to you about it at length as well as every other member of the family and you refuse to budge. Bella is going to be a part of this family and you need to open up to that idea. Edward loves her. I know you see that, now accept it." Rosalie shot rays of death at me with her eyes.

"Emmett, you need to be more considerate of everyone. No one likes someone who constantly makes them the brunt of their jokes. You enjoy making others feel uncomfortable. It has become a game for you to embarrass Edward and Bella on a daily basis. You know it never ends well, yet you continue. Why do you feel the necessity to always be "the funny guy" ? What insecurities are you hiding behind the laughter?" Emmett's head bowed down in surrender.

"Esme and I have tried everything we can think of but now I feel it is time we seek professional help. I am not expecting any of you to enjoy this, but I am expecting you to respect my opinion and participate. Are we clear?" I asked.

As I surveyed the room, I saw Esme nod supportively, Alice and Jasper exchanged a look and gave a small smile, Edward rolled his eyes, but Bella had already agreed to go so he was in like it or not. Rosalie muttered 'Fine' under her breath, and Emmett gave me the thumbs up so they all had agreed, grudgingly.

"Thank you all for agreeing. Now I do have some ground rules for our therapy sessions that I would like you all to abide by. The doctor is human, so obviously keep our secret, but please be as honest with him as possible, that's the only way he can help. And, it would make life a bit easier for Esme and I if we kept the fact that Alice and Jasper and you and Rosalie are married to ourselves..." I said as I eyed Emmett.

"What, you don't want Dr. Dover knowing you let your kids shack up under your roof, dad?" Emmett jabbed, playfully with a big grin on his face.

"Yes, Emmett, I would prefer that stay between us. If possible..." Knowing Emmett and Edward's tempers, I assumed one of them would let it slip and if I had to guess, I'd guess Emmett would be the one so spill the beans so to speak.

"I will make some phone calls and see how soon I can get us in to see the doctor."

Edward it's getting late, Bella needs to get home. He gave me a nod and took Bella by the hand.

"Goodnight Carlisle." Bella said as she came over and gave me a goodbye hug.

"Goodbye Bella, thank you for listening and for your help with Edward." I laughed, there was no point in whispering, Edward would hear me anyway.

"This should be interesting..." She giggled.

"You have no idea!" I couldn't help but laugh myself. Did I really just suggest 7 vampires and one human go to family therapy? This was going to be a wild ride.

Chapter one, just for you! What did you think? Please review and say Hi :)