In Which House Plays Loud Music Over The Intercom and Gets Cuddy Mad at Him

By Shakespeare's Girl

House was sneaking again. The ducklings could tell. He'd had those sunglasses on all day, and kept humming "Mission Impossible", which, while amusing, was also a dead give away.

"Well, at least this means we don't have to keep him entertained," Chase shrugged, his half-masticated pencil leaving his mouth for the time it took to speak, then promptly returning.

Forman was too busy spinning on the swivel chair to notice, but Cameron looked up from her emailing, and nodded. "Yeah, he's entertaining us instead."

Chase reflected that Cameron was getting almost as good as House was at the whole snarkiness bit.

"DA DA DA DUN!" House yelled, jumping through the door and wobbling as he landed on his good leg. "I have succeeded in placing the things I need to thoroughly annoy the Cuddy Entity!"

Chase rolled his eyes and ignored House.

"What?" Foreman and Cameron asked at the same time.

"The female humanoid who runs this hospital, calling herself the 'Hospital Administrator', and regulating my pharmaceutical visits and prescription to patient ratio in an extremely dictatorial way. This entity returns today from a vacation, and I have the perfect plan in place to thoroughly annoy her the instant she steps through the door, and as she returns today, I have need of your assistance."

Chase tried very hard to continue ignoring House, but when House used his "android-on-a-hospital-destruction-mission" voice, it was very hard to concentrate on anything but the latest plan for hospital domination.

"You want to tick Cuddy off the day she gets back from her vacation?" Cameron demanded.

"That is my evil plan," House replied, laughing maniacally, and completely distracting Chase.

"Fine," he sighed. "We won't get anything else done until House goes away, so we might as well humor him," Chase pleaded.

"Okay, what's up?" Foreman asked, still spinning.

"How do you do that without getting sick?" Cameron demanded, her eyes crossing as she watched the neurologist twirl.

"I'm talented, and I'm bored."

"You, dark one, stay here, and keep a look out for Boy Wonder Oncologists who may want to distract me from my evil plan. There's a file in the adjacent office, usually used by me, if Boy Wonder approaches, distract him with it."

Foreman stopped spinning, stood, stumbled, straightened and looked sick before sitting back down and nodding. "Okay."

"Now then, you, female, you will go to the booth off Nurse's Station One that houses the intercom, and lock yourself in. Do anything you have to to get the room to your self. This is imperative. Your life and you job hang in the balance."

Cameron shrugged.

"The British Wombat comes with me to stake out the main entrance. When we see Cuddy, you must immediately knock on the booth door to alert Cameron. Cameron will then press the play button on the CD player that is hooked to the intercom. Do not turn it off, no matter what issues from it. Once again, your life and your job hangs in the balance. Understood?"

"Yes," Cameron said blandly.

"Yes, House," Chase agreed.

Fifteen minutes later, House spun around and whacked a nurse with his cane as he shouted, "THE BITCH IS BACK!" at Chase, who then knocked on the booth door.

Cameron turned on the CD player.

As Cuddy opened the door to her hospital, guitars started an all too familiar riff.

I was justified when I was five

Raising Cain I spit in your eye

Times are changing now the poor get fat

But the fever's gonna catch you when the bitch gets back

House began dancing, as well as he could, following Cuddy as she dashed to the intercom booth. "I DON'T KNOW WHICH ONE OF YOU IS IN THERE, BUT YOU HAD BETTER TURN IT OFF!" Cuddy shouted.

Oh oh oh

Eat meat on a Friday that's all right

Even like a steak on a Saturday night

I can bitch the best at your social do's

I get high in the evening sniffing pots of glue

"Cameron, if you turn it off, you will never work in medicine again, in fact, the only place you'll ever work is in a strip club!" House threatened.

I'm a bitch, I'm a bitch

Oh the bitch is back

Stone cold sober as a matter of fact

I can bitch I can bitch

Cause I'm better than you

It's the way that I move

The things that I do

Oh oh oh

"House, make her turn it off, or I suspend your ass until you turn ninety!" Cuddy yelled.

"No," House shook his head. Cuddy looked stunned.

I entertain by picking brains

Sell my soul by dropping names

I don't like those

My god, what's that?

Oh it's full of nasty habits when the bitch gets back

Oh oh oh

"House! Stop it! This is a hospital, not a dance hall!" Cuddy demanded.

"Okay."

"Really?" Chase and Cuddy asked at the same time.

"On one condition."

"Damn." Chase shook his head. House had guts.

"I knew it," Cuddy sighed. "What?"

"Admit that the song is true. Over the PA."

"HOUSE! IS THAT CUDDY OUT THERE?" Cameron's voice yelled from inside.

"YES!" House shouted back, before returning to Cuddy. "Admit it and I'll have her turn it off."

"Cameron's in there? What did you agree to in order to get her to do it?"

"A pay increase and daily sexual harassment."

"House," Cuddy pleaded.

"Admit it."

I'm a bitch, I'm a bitch

Oh the bitch is back

Stone cold sober as a matter of fact

I can bitch I can bitch

Cause I'm better than you

It's the way that I move

The things that I do

Oh oh oh

"Fine." Cuddy relented. "If it gets this trash off my PA, I'll admit it."

House smirked. "Cameron, Cuddy and I are coming in. Do not let her get near the CD player. I will kill and fire you if you do."

House waited until Cameron unlocked the door, and then the pair entered.

I'm a bitch, I'm a bitch

Oh the bitch is back

Stone cold sober as a matter of fact

I can bitch I can bitch

Cause I'm better than you

It's the way that I move

The things that I do

Oh oh oh

Cuddy stared at House. "What exactly do you want me to say?"

"Sing along."

"HOUSE!"

"Do it, or I'll put the thing on repeat."

Cuddy picked up the mike, staring at House menacingly. "I'm a bitch I'm a bitch, Oh the bitch is back, stone cold sober as a matter of fact," she sang, glaring all the while at House.

He smiled encouragingly at her, and ignored the evil glare as she finished the song "I can bitch I can bitch cause I'm better than you, it's the way that I move, it's the things that I do, Oh oh oh!"

Bitch bitch

The bitch is back

Bitch bitch

The bitch is back

As the song faded out, House yelled into the microphone, "This bitch is BACK, BABY!"

Cuddy groaned. And the guitars started again.

"Oops," House shrugged.