A/N: With help from -Ivy-parker- and pen-to-paper scribble.
It was a stormy night and April Showers was watching the rain outside. It was times like these when she remembered her dark, dark, black past. She hadn't told anyone about her past; she'd never let anyone get close... but everything was about to change. Sirius walked past the window, she sat up, excitement rushing through her, she stood up, swinging her bag onto her shoulder.
"Sirius!" She cried, running up to him, his eyes lit up.
"April Showers!" April Showers groaned inside, it was obvious that this was an act, and no-one liked her, "And how was your day?"
"Oh, you know, Daddy was being rather annoying..." She trailed off, Sirius nodded
"Yeah, well he is the Minister of Magic! He's bound to be stressed!"
Sirius gazed into April Showers' perfect, perfect eyes. They were golden like the sun. Suddenly they flashed purple and shimmered with untold emotion. Sirius looked down. Alas, he was not good enough to even look at her. He was ugly. A MONSTER. HE WAS UNWORTHY.
"Err... Sirius, are you ok?"
"I'm fine, my darling, I am fine," Oh no, he'd gone too far! She'd never forgive him! NEVER!
"Sirius, you do realise you're saying all this out loud?" April Showers said with a glint of amusement in her eyes. She was an angel. Literally. "OH NO! MY WINGS! THEY'RE SHOWING! NOW EVERYONE WILL KNOW!"
"You can trust me, April Showers, you can..." Sirius said, giving her a look of longing.
"I can't trust anyone. I'm just too beautiful. Everyone wants to kill me and yet I'm overly modest and
supposedly oblivious to my amazingly godly looks, so I have no idea why."
"They're just jealous, April Showers. They don't have your kindness or your courage or your amazing arse!" Sirius said, "It's so squeezeable."
"OH SIRIUS! YOU'RE SO ROMANTIC!" April Showers declared, "I know we've only known eachother since September 1st and today is September 2nd but... I think... that I... love..."
"SIRIUS! Duuuuude! What's happening man? Innit!" Peter walked over to them, interrupting their passionate embrace.
"Peter, why are you dressed as a chav?" Sirius asked.
"Because the author hates me because I betray you and James and instead of killing me off she decided to make me into the next worst thing- a chav."
"It's too late, Sirius..." Peter said, "The hoodie's already up..."
"NOOO!" Sirius rushed forward.
"DON'T TOUCH HIM! HE MIGHT BE CONTAGIOUS!" April Showers screamed, bravely throwing herself in front of her true love.
"APRIL SHOWERS! NO!" Sirius shouted.
"What up, dude?"
"NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! APRIL SHOWERS!"
"It's April Shizzle to you, mon! So you wanna go and have a hustle?" April Showers asked, waving her hands in the air.
Sirius screamed and ran out of the common room.
He bumped into Remus. "Hey Sirius, what's wrong?"
"It's them... they're... they're... CHAVS!!!" Sirius shouted, falling to his knees and sobbing, "Oh April Showers... my sweet April Shizzle... my life has been wet by April Showers!" Remus comforted the sobbing Sirius, as Alice walked past them (unnoticed) and stepped into the common room. The lights were off. It was pitch black. Then... then there was a voice... "What up, dog?"
"God?! Is that you?" Alice said, dropping to her knees and holding out her arms, "OH LORD! HOLY JESUS! DO NOT BRING SHAME ONTO MY FAMILY!" The lights flashed on. "Who are you? Are you God?" Alice asked in awe.
"Da name's Shizzle..."
"NO! The name's Shizzle... April Shizzle..." April Showers said.
"April Showers? Is that you?" Alice laughed.
"SHIZZLE! TO THE S TO THE H TO I TO THE DOUBLE Z TO THE L AND THE E! IT'S SHIZZLE! ALICE SHIZZLE!" April Showers screamed hysterically. She took off her shoe and threw it at Alice. "SAY MY NAME, BITCH! SCREAM IT BABY!"
"Hey Baby!" Lucius Malfoy said, appearing in the common room.
"OH EM GEE! HOW DID YOU GET IN HERE!" Alice shouted.
"HE'S MY BITCH!" April Showers said, wrapping herself around Malfoy and stroking his hair.
"NO! HE'S MY WHORE!" Peter shouted, "LUCIUS BABY HOW COULD YOU DO THIS TO ME?!"
"What can I say Peter? The bling's just too much. You can't handle me. I'm too hot." Malfoy said, and he licked his finger and touched it to his arse with a hiss.
To be continued...