The dark knight bowed as he approached the evil warlord. "My Great King, you requested that I bring any evidence of the Princess attempting to contact anyone on the outside.
Ganondorf regarded his minion gravely. "What have you found?"
The knight presented a large box filled with parchment, which overflowed out of the edges, blotted with ink. Ganondorf reached down and picked up one of the pieces. "Indeed…they appear to be addressed to the Hylian Hero."
He sat down and read a few words, then threw it aside. He picked up another, then threw away that one as well. Five more he examined, crumpled, and threw over his shoulder. He called his minion back to him. "Is this all there is? Surely the real papers are somewhere else?"
The knight looked surprised. "These are all the papers we've taken from her room in the last month."
Ganondorf frowned at the parchment. "These aren't instructions…they're love poems. Or prose, whichever doesn't rhyme. Really bad ones." He cleared his throat and read from one of the pages. "'That it does rend my heart asunder that I cannot entreat thee to join me in the golden hereafter'….bleecchh! Are you sure Zelda wrote these? Are you playing a trick on me?"
Bowing, the knight replied, "I swear, my Lord, these are all the papers we've taken from her room."
Pushing the box away, Ganondorf said, "I can't even look at these. Excuse me for a moment." He picked up the box and walked to Zelda's room, knocking on her door. "Pardon…I think I have something that belongs to you." He opened the door and set the box down just inside.
Zelda walked over and examined the box, then turned bright red and snatched it back. "What are you doing with these?!"
"Well, I thought you were sending important messages to Link…I didn't realize you were…" Ganondorf snickered. "Writing really bad poems…"
Insulted, Zelda demanded, "What's wrong with them?!"
"Well, nothing…if you're determined to live in a funk by denying you've got a crush on the kid and blame it on some ill-defined royal code of honor…" He saw the telling expression on Zelda's face and he nearly fell over. "Are you serious?"
"What difference does it make to you?" Zelda demanded.
"Well, for crying out loud. And I thought I was the evil one." Ganondorf scratched his head. "I know you've been watching the poor guy…he got swallowed by a Like Like five times today…those things are slimy…"
Zelda raised an eyebrow. "Are you telling me you're concerned about him?
"Are you telling me you're not? Jeez, lady, haven't you been paying attention to what he's gone through to help you out?"
Zelda looked away. "I know…what he has done…the suffering he has endured…"
"Okay..." Ganondorf nodded toward the box. "So, why all the drama?"
A misty expression came over Zelda's eyes. "I fear he will be angry with me…it is my fault that he got involved in this…"
"Uh, no, that was me." Ganondorf pointed to the Triforce symbol on the back of his hand. "I broke it, remember? Don't get me wrong, Link's gonna get pulverized if he manages to make it here, but I don't think he's going to yell at you or anything."
Dropping her gaze to the floor, Zelda said, "Still…he has embarked on this journey as he feels it is his duty to do so…"
Rolling his eyes, Ganondorf let forth an exasperated sigh. "Yeah, right, and the pretty lady at the end of it doesn't interest him at all…"
Zelda glanced up at him with tear-filled eyes, her hands clasped together. "Do you really believe…that in his heart, rests the same sentiments that I myself-"
"Yes, he likes you! Crimony, you princesses take forever to say anything. What the…what's the problem now?" Ganondorf demanded as Zelda began to sink into herself once more.
"Even if he does, it is all for naught…" Zelda whispered.
"Well yeah, because I'll pound him into the ground once he gets here," Ganondorf stated as if it were obvious. "But if you like I can give you two a few moments alone…let the poor kid die happy…"
"No…I cannot tell him those three simple words which I know he longs to hear…"
"Because we cannot be together, as much as we might desire it to be so…"
"Why? Is this some kind of riddle? Is there a joke at the end?"
Zelda looked up at him and began explaining as if he were a small child. "There are many issues. As a princess, I cannot become enamored with one of lower birth…"
"You've got to be kidding me. The kid single-handedly fights his way through every obstacle I've set for him, and should he actually succeed and defeat me, you're going to tell him that saving the world just isn't enough?"
"This is stupid. I know you like the kid, I know he likes you – even though you've only met a couple times and haven't talked more than thirty minutes – so why are you objecting? Haven't gotten all of the noble suffering out of your system yet?"
"I just can't…we are not meant to be together…the laws of my kingdom…"
Ganondorf raised his hands in exasperation. "You're the princess! This is your kingdom! Get rid of the old rules, and to heck with tradition! The king can't object, he's dead. Oh, by the way, sorry about that. Anyway…if you want something, take it!"
Zelda scowled at him. "I am not as coarse and barbaric as you."
This statement confused him more than any of the others. "Not suffering for no reason makes me coarse and barbaric?"
Before Zelda could reply, a dark knight ran up to Ganondorf. "My King, the Hylian Hero has arrived!"
Ganondorf pointed to Zelda. "Wait here, you," he commanded, then stomped down the hall. He returned perhaps half an hour later holding an angry, struggling Link at arm's length by the back of his jerkin. He plunked the boy down in front of Zelda and said to her, "Okay, now say it."
She glanced at him pleadingly. "I cannot…"
Zelda turned her gaze on the ruffled and confused Link. "I must confess…over the past weeks my heart has grown in anticipation of this meeting, and I…"
"Get on with it!" Ganondorf yelled.
"Well…I've always wanted to express my sentiment…"
"GET ON WITH IT!"
The words tumbled out of Zelda's mouth. "I love you."
Link stood fast as if stricken, then got down on one knee. "I also must confess that I too have anxiously awaited…"
Ganondorf cuffed him. "Enough monologues. Just repeat what she said."
"Uh…" Link glared at him, thoroughly confused as to why the dark warlord was helping him with his love life. He turned back to Zelda. "I love you too."
"FINALLY! Hey, wait…no kissyface. Battle first!" Ganondorf pulled Link away and dragged him down the hall.
Two hours later, Link and Zelda finished what they started, Ganondorf now defeated. The dark knight took off his helmet in respect of his fallen master and wiped tears away from his eyes. "You had to kill him. The man saves you from years of romantic angst, and you kill him. How are you going to live with yourselves?"