"So, is there any other business before we conclude the meeting?" Yamamoto asked, casting his eyes around the room.
Renji raised his hand, causing several of the less professional captains and vice-captains to groan in weariness at the prolonging of the Bi-Weekly Progression Update Meeting. Renji ignored them.
The Captain-General calmly asked, "Yes, Abarai-fukaitaichou?"
"Yeah, I'd like to file Sexual Harassment charges against someone."
Yamamoto's eyebrow raised. "That would be something to take up with your division's captain, Abarai-kun."
"Yeah, except that, uh... They're against him."
Everyone's head turned to Byakuya.
Matsumoto laughed, "That's pretty funny, Renji! Can we get outta here, now? My back is killing me from sitting here so long."
Renji let out a frustrated sigh, before growling "I'm not joking, damn it! I'm being harassed, and it's seriously getting out of hand!"
Yamamoto, being the good general he was, took charge of the situation. "Alright, Abarai-fukaitaichou. Do you have any evidence of this other than your own word? A witness, perhaps."
At this, to everyone's surprise, both Ukitake and Soi Fong raised their hands.
The aforementioned man looked quite uncomfortable. "I... Don't believe that was CPR."
Renji scoffed. "Yeah. Me neither."
Byakuya coughed uncomfortably.
Yamamoto nodded. "I... see. Soi Fong-taichou?"
Her face remained impassive, as it usually was. "Do you recall the last meeting, when Abarai interrupted Komamura-taichou's report by shouting 'What the hell was that?'"
"Well, I wasn't paying attention at that point, but afterwards, when Abarai leaped out of his seat and back several paces, yelling 'Holy shit!' I believe the cause to have been what I observed as Kuchiki-taichou's hand running up Abarai's thigh."
"The 'What the hell' comment was his foot. When it went up my pant leg."
Everyone stared at Byakuya. "Renji, perhaps we should resolve this... conflict... ourselves. I don't believe it's necessary to bring others into this when it need only be discussed."
"I tried discussing it; you stuck your hand down my pants and suggested we take our talk somewhere private."
"Well, if you weren't interested, you should have made your opinions more clear."
"Um, I gotta newsflash for ya- playing 'hard to get' stops BEFORE you get punched in the face."
"You apologized, though."
"'Cuz I didn't want to get my ass fired for attacking a superior officer, sir. And what the hell did you think me running whenever you got near me meant? That I was going to go get the lotion?!"
"Alright, Renji, you've made your point. I will discontinue my advances, now may we please drop this?"
Silence ensued. Yamamoto coughed. "So, does anyone else want to file sexual harassment charges against their captains?"
Two hands raised- Nanao's and Matsumoto's. Hitsugaya glared at his second. "Put your damned hand down, Matsumoto."
She looked offended. "I'm completely serious!" She turned to the Captain-General, "My captain is constantly looking at my chest, and it's starting to make me feel uncomfortable."
"For god's sake, woman, does it not occur to you that I'm only as tall as your chest? Of course I end up looking at them, they're the first thing I see when I look straight ahead."
"Oh? Then what about-"
"That would stop happening if you stopped hugging me! What is it about the words eye-level that you don't understand?!"
Matsumoto relented, but still didn't look pleased. "Well, still."
Hitsugaya buried his face in his hands. "I hate you so much. When I hit puberty, I pray to God I turn out to be gay."
"Oh, taichou, am I really so awful as to turn you off women forever?"
"YES." Hitsugaya hissed. Matsumoto grabbed him and hugged him, subsequently burying his face in her chest with a strangled "Hurk!" noise.
"I'm so glad I've left an influence on you!"
His voice muffled from his face's current location within his vice-captain's cavernous cleavage, Hitsugaya pleaded, "Sir? Petition for a transfer of Lieutenants?"
"Also, I feel I should let you know that that is your seventh time to request a change in vice-captains, and at ten requests I am obligated to put you two into couple's therapy."
Iba laughed. "Oh yeah, because that went so well for Kuchiki and Wanajima."
Byakuya defended himself with a calm, "I'll have you know that was officially ruled as an accidental death- just check the records."
Iba scoffed. "Yeah, and because of that incident we all learned a valuable lesson- nobility never get convicted."
"Conspiracies don't count."
"But wasn't Urahara nobility?"
"That wasn't a murder charge, dumbass. And besides, he was only exiled. They totally went easy on him and you know it."
Yamamoto sighed, and addressed the table. "Well, I think we can safely adjourn this meeting. Until next time, everyone."
As everyone left the table, Nanao shouted "Wait! What about my complaints?"
Yamamoto brushed past her "Yes, yes, Nanao-fukaitaichou. Have a lovely day, now."
"Nanao-chaaaaaan! Come on!"
She growled. "Yes, sir. Coming, Kyouraku-taichou."
"Hey, Ken-chan? Are you gonna let go of my head yet, or am I still not allowed to hear? 'Cuz it looks like everyone's leaving."
Zaraki released Yachiru. "Yeah, yeah, they're done. I just didn't want them filling your head with more nonsense. That Shinigami Women's Association is bad enough as it is, plus with the idiots in our division? You're smart enough for me to not want any more ideas in there."
Yachiru bubbled. "Okay, Ken-chan! It just looked interesting, how everyone was shouting at each other, but if you say I shouldn't listen you're probably right."
"Ch'. Course I am. I'm always right."
"Except for when it's Braid-face you're arguing with."
Kenpachi rolled his eyes. "Right. 'Cept then."
As they left, Ukitake turned to his newly-promoted vice-captain. "Well, Kuchiki-fukaitaichou? What did you think of your first official meeting as a Lieutenant?"
Rukia just blinked. "It was...Interesting."
He smiled at her. "Yes, they usually are."
(AN: Dedicated to Chibified Youkai 101, because I totally promised I would.)