Authors' Note: Like most of our other joint work, this is not to be taken seriously at all. Or at least, if you do decide to take it seriously, remember to check your sanity on the way out the door. Any flames regarding cracky-ness or the self-insertion will be returned to Mustafar at the expense of the sender.
That being said, this was actually inspired by a serious fanfic found by skywalker05, that I (Argenteus Draco) am still looking for, in which Anakin shows up on Luke's wedding night to tell him about non-attachment.
Anyway…Attack of the Fandom Menace
by skywalker05 and Argenteus Draco
When Han Solo left Luke and Mara at the Nabooian Resort, he winked, saluted, and said something to the effect of "Have a nice night, kid," before Mara finally slammed the door in his face.
Thus, Luke and Mara were effectively cut off from the world.
Well, their world.
In another world, the spirits of Obi-Wan Kenobi and Anakin Skywalker were watching the newly wed couple and arguing.
"How is this my fault?"
"You, Anakin, were supposed to warn him about nonattachment."
Anakin looked vaguely guilty.
Obi-Wan sighed. "I suppose I should have known better than to send you."
"You see? It isn't entirely my fault!"
Obi-Wan fixed his former Padawan with a piercing glare. "Go now."
"Now? When he's about to--"
"Don't you think that's a little… awkward?"
Obi-Wan considered this. "Tell them that our interpretation of time is not the same as theirs. After all, we're not of the same world anymore."
Speaking of worlds…
Back on Naboo, Luke was being removed of a rather stubborn shirt. As such, he did not see the shimmering blue form appear behind him. He just heard Mara scream.
When he finally got the offending fabric to let go of his head, this is the sight that greeted him:
In the doorway, Anakin Skywalker, looking terrified. Next to him, Mara Jade Skywalker, pointing a blaster.
He gaped at her. "You brought a blaster here?"
"Of course," she replied, as if this were the most obvious thing in the world. "I just wasn't expecting to have to use it against in-laws."
Luke blinked, but realized he wasn't going to get anything more sensible. He turned to Anakin. "Why are you here?"
"Err…" Anakin seemed thoroughly unsettled, and his gaze kept darting back to the weapon in Mara's hands. "You see… we have a different sense of time…"
"I didn't mean to come here now, of course--"
"Then why did you--?"
"I was supposed to tell you months ago--"
"Tell me what?"
"The Code," he said simply.
Apparently, this was supposed to be obvious as well. Luke thought that he'd definitely missed something.
"And which code is that?"
Now it was Anakin's turn to blink. He opened his mouth, shut it, then opened it a second time and stared at the ceiling. "Care to help me out here?"
Two new people appeared in the room, neither being who Anakin had expected. Both were small females between childhood and adulthood. One had a very serious expression and her hands hidden behind her back. One carried a watering can.
This one said loudly, "Wait, where's Obi-Wan??"
Anakin looked up again. He was not sure that Obi-Wan was going to drop out of the ceiling, because he was not yet used to this whole being a blue ghost thing, but that seemed the appropriate direction to look. It also required the least commitment and subjected him to the least glares. "Obi-Wan!"
Anakin's former master in fact appeared beside the door. "I thought you could handle this," he said
Anakin sputtered. "But now there's some extras!"
The girl without the watering can muttered to the one with, "Anne, I think the Force ghost should be old Obi-Wan."
"He was in the movie," whispered the other, "but, no. Now, Harper, he defiantly should be young Obi-Wan." She hefted her weapon of mass hydration.
"Agreed," said the other.
Obi-Wan contemplated the "extras." "They don't look all that dangerous. Have you explained the problem to Luke yet?"
"I was getting there."
By this point, Mara's limited patience was running out. "I don't care who, but someone had better tell me what's going on before I have to pull the trigger."
"Well, we were just thinking about how cute Obi-Wan would look if he were wet and disgruntled--"
Harper elbowed Anne mid-sentence, then she smiled all-too-sweetly up at Mara. "Nothing special. Right, Anne?"
"Oh… right." Anne hid the watering can behind her back and tried to look innocent.
Mara's glaring wrath returned to Anakin.
"It's… well… see…" he stumbled over his words as he searched for the right ones. "This wasn't supposed to happen like this."
"It's your own fault," Obi-Wan added. "You could have appeared any time you wanted to."
"And tell him what? How would that sound, coming from me? It isn't as though I followed the code."
"What code?" Luke asked again.
"The Jedi Code. There's a whole bunch about serenity and stuff, all nice and fluffy, and then there's nonattachment."
He looked at the newly-wed Skywalkers; they looked back at him, not getting it.
"Jedi aren't supposed to fall in love." Anakin said in a rush before practically ducking behind Obi-Wan.
Mara said, "EXCELLENT timing! You come in here to tell me this now and, without any tact, finally ruining my life some MORE, why couldn't you have--" She promptly blasted Anakin.
Being a blue ghost he exploded in a cloud of blue goo and simply reformed a few meters away, now slightly hidden behind Obi-Wan.
Mara continued, rather more calmly, taking Luke by the elbow and saying, "Well, how'd he get here then?"
Harper took whatever she had behind her back out into view in a sort of angry twitch motion, but no one had the time to see what she had or indeed whether there was anything in her hands at all.
Certain rules govern the worlds of fiction. Most of them depend on canon, genre, and the whim of Whoever's In Charge Of The Universe At The Time. At this moment, one of them stated that if two college students could get in to the Star Wars world at a sort-of pivotal moment, so could other people. And an entire peer group of them had chosen to show up wherever Anakin was.
A horde of teenage fangirls appeared in the increasingly cluttered hotel room. Their battle cries ranged from "ANNIE!" to, sic, "omg I luv u anaken plz marry meh plz!"
Anne backed away slowly.
Luke backed away quickly.
Mara remained standing, as did the reconstituted but woozy Anakin.
Obi-Wan pulled his hood over his head.
Harper found herself in a room with not one, but lots of, appealing targets in her quest for revenge (as opposed to the perpetual quest for cheap food).
She proceeded to enter the crowd of mobbing fangirls.
Chaos ruled in the crowd. Hands waved, clothing flew over the heads of Anakin and the other girls, catfights broke out, and the chatspeak began to eat away the floor beneath their feet as if it were acid. Harper ducked low between them, aimed, and neatly shot Mara. She grabbed the hands of the nearest fangirl and pushed the blaster into them, then swiftly snuck out of the group.
In death, Mara simply looked confused.
Harper leapt in front of Luke. "I'll protect you!!" She screamed, and scooped up Mara's blaster.
Anne's actions were less violent but no less sneaky or clever. She inched around the crowd, within which could be heard blue Anakin's feeble cries for help. Obi-Wan realized that he was not at the moment in danger. He lowered his hood and muttered, "Padawan, at least try to make it sound convincing."
Anne began pouring water on his head, humming as she did so.
Obi-Wan blinked a few times as the water ran between his eyes.
"Aww!" said Anne gleefully.
Anakin might have laughed, except he couldn't see Obi-Wan through the chaos.
Luke asked frantically, "What's going on?"
Harper replied, "It's a conspiracy."
"It's all Qui-Gon's fault," said Anne, still happily pouring water over Obi-Wan.
"What?!" That had gotten Obi-Wan's attention.
"What he said about the Force creating Anakin, he was entirely making it up--"
Harper got Anne with a stun blast. She collapsed, her head on Obi-Wan's shoulder.
"Look at that," Obi-Wan said to Anakin, who was still not listening. "I've got one too."
"They shot your wife," Harper continued, answering Luke. "As if you needed any more proof that they're evil. They're glomping your father. Anyway—muahaha!" She proceeded to blast the fangirls. Some of them had had to move out into the hall. It seemed that there was an alternating line of pink and black clothed-girls trying to get in.
One fell with a shiny swish of her dyed, Sueish hair. "Alas!" She cried. "I, Esperanza Ethelcakes Mallywho Kenobi, love of Anakin Skywalker's doomed life, lie dying on the ground! All I am good for now is a very satisfyingly angsty death speech! If only the galaxy had been kinder to me and my impossibly awesome Force powers had not been twisted by my vampiric leanings—"
Harper shot her again, glancing at Luke to see if he looked relieved or grateful or something like that.
He didn't. He just looked even more confused than before.
Anne was slowly waking up, but when she realized her very fortunate position, she pretended to still be under the effects of the stun. Although the damp cloak was not very comfortable to lean against.
Finally, the last fangirl had run off. Harper attempted to shoot a final blast out the door after her, but it seemed the gun was out of power. "Sithspit," she muttered. "One of them got away."
It sounded very quiet in the room now.
"Are you going to, ah, track that one down then?" Luke asked.
Harper looked over her shoulder, tried to find a place to holster the blaster, and failed, what with her Earth clothes. She tried to regain her cool. "It's gone. I think some of them are needed, to propogate the badfic it's so nice to make fun of."
"Where," asked Obi-Wan, "did my apprentice go?"
"Oh," said Anakin's voice from around a corner. "I'm here." He crawled into view and waved.
"Still alive are you?"
Anakin grinned. "It wasn't that bad."
Harper had been, during this prequel-era-exchange-of-doom, muttering about how to distract Luke from dead Mara.
Suddenly, everything exploded.
Luke woke up screaming. He blinked as he tried to place his surroundings. Eventually, he realized that he was on the Millennium Falcon, and that the face leaning over him and looking increasingly concerned was Han's.
"You okay, kid?" he asked.
"Bad dream," Luke muttered. "Fangirls everywhere. One of them had a blaster."
"That wasn't the worst part."
"I was married to Mara Jade."