You Heard it Here First
Rating: M for profanity, sexual references
Characters: Logan, Jubilee.
Scott, Jean, Emma Frost, Darwin the Beagle, Lola the Siamese Cat mentioned.
Summary: Jubilee fills Logan in on recent goings-on.
All standard disclaimers apply. Don't own 'em – except for Darwin and Lola – am making no money off 'em, etc. I don't acknowledge X3. Many thanks and cupcakes to Tanyaltp for the beta.
You Heard it Here First
"Dude," Jubilee said, popping her gum, "this, like, totally proves my point."
"Your point?" snapped Logan. "What point is that, kid? That Summers is a twerp? That he's got no business being with a woman like Jeannie? That that tightass isn't nearly good enough – "
"Oh, Wolvie, c'mon," Jubilee said impatiently. "Stop obsessing over Mr. Summers' ass and listen, willya? I'm just sayin' – "
"I ain't obsessing and I never – "
Jubilee rolled her eyes. "Yeah, yeah, right. I'm just sayin' – if you'd listened to me, you totally could have avoided this whole thing, y'know? I mean, you get back from doing your lone Wolveriney thing in Canada and that's cool and I totally get that you need to look for your mysterious past, even if Mr. Summers says you couldn't find your ass with both hands – and hey, how about that? Maybe he's getting obsessed with your ass, too, huh? – but let's face it, dude – you're gone from the mansion for six weeks, you miss stuff. And here I am trying to fill you in, and you totally get growly and blow me off, and that's why you didn't know that Scott and Jean are on this whole nature kick lately and you really can't go near the flowerbeds lately without making tons of noise to warn them, unless you wanna walk right in on them, like, dude, almost on top of them, and that's why you're all pissed off and ready to claw your own eyes out, but y'know, if you did that, they'd probably grow right back, right? How cool."
"Kid," Logan said, slumping into a kitchen chair, "I dunno where you're going with this, but I got a feeling I can't get through this without beer."
"Dude, I like, totally feel your pain, y'know?" Jubilee said, pulling a stool up to the kitchen table. "And not just because Dr. Grey's all, 'Oh, I was just checking him for ticks!' explanation is, like, enough to make anyone heave. You think you're all pissy? Dude, I bet they're worse. And they write up our midterms! So you totally know that in bio and calculus we're all gonna be paying big time for this, whattayacallit, carpe interruptus."
"Oh, for fuck's sake," Logan muttered, hauling a second six pack out of the refrigerator.
"Wolvie, dude, I'm just sayin' – you don't know half of what's been going on here!" Jubilee cried, swilling Yoo-hoo. "Like, right after you left, everything gets all crazy, like, worse than normal, and everyone's fighting! Dr. Grey got all pissed at Mr. Worthington because he ate Darwin's treats – "
"Are you shitting me?" Logan said. "He ate the mutt's biscuits? I made those things fucking special because I'm the only one around here who knows how to feed the goddamn dog."
"Mr. Worthington thought they were biscotti," Jubilee said.
"They're made with fucking liver!"
"Well, that's probably why he thought they were gross," Jubilee said wisely. "He bit into one and threw them out. Or threw it up. Maybe both. I dunno. But Darwin was following him around making those little whimpery noises Mr. Summers says you make when the jet takes off."
"Fucking idiot," Logan muttered.
"Dude, that's just what Mr. Summers said!" Jubilee cried. "Only he didn't curse."
"Fucking candyass cupcake," Logan muttered.
"Dude, you know what's really cute?" Jubilee said. "When Dr. Grey tries to call Mr. Summers 'cupcake' he gets all pissy. Everyone says it's because that's your pet name for him and he doesn't like anyone else to use it. Which is really cute, doncha think? I think – "
"Give me a fucking break," Logan said. "Kid, how many times I gotta tell you, it ain't a fucking pet – "
"Ooh, and speaking of pets, Dr. Grey's also all mad at Lola! Y'know, for a cat she causes a lot of fights, you know? Dr. Grey hates her, partly because Ms. Frost gave her to Mr. Summers, and plus also because Dr. Grey says Lola's trying to kill the dog."
"Ain't no one hurting that dog," Logan said menacingly.
"Oh, Wolvie, calm down," Jubilee said dismissively. "I'm just saying, with Dr. Grey and the cat, it's exactly like you and Darwin, only opposite, because she totally hates that cat and you're, like, totally whipped on that dog. I think it's so cute that when you come home you only bring presents for Roguey and for Darwin. Even if the thought of moose jerky is really gross and I can't believe even Darwin would eat it. And y'know, Darwin has gotta be the dumbest name ever for that dog, because who cares if Charles Darwin took a beagle on a rowboat one time or whatever? It doesn't fit with Dr. Grey's dog, because he's like totally getting stupider all the time. He's un-evolving or something and anyone can see that – "
"So what exactly is that fucking cat doing to the mutt," Logan asked, flexing his hands ominously, "and where is Summers' fancy fucking furball so I can gut her?"
"Dude, she's probably with Mr. Summers," Jubilee said. "She sleeps on his desk, in his inbox, and she gets all snarly if anyone tries to put more work in there. Dr. Grey says it's the only reason she hasn't skinned that cat yet. But Dr. Grey's still all pissed about the Cocoa Puffs and the cans. She says Lola tried to poison Darwin and bash her head in, but I dunno, I think maybe she's paranoid – Dr. Grey, I mean – because wouldn't you think Lola would be smart enough to, I dunno, suffocate her or something if she really wanted her dead? I just can't see – "
"Kid?" Logan said, gritting his teeth and shutting his eyes. "The mutt? How's the fucking cat hurting the mutt?"
"Dude, she's got this thing where she get into the kitchen cabinets and pushes stuff out, you know? And it gets all over the floor. And I'm all, 'As long as I don't get fur in my Fritos, who cares,' you know? And really, if anyone's gonna shed in the food around here, it's probably gonna be you or Dr. McCoy, no offense. And Dr. Grey's all, 'blah-blah-blah bacteria' and 'blah-blah-blah health risk' and really, if you're gonna die around here, I'm just sayin' the cat is probably not gonna be the thing that gets you, you know? So the cat pushes out a box of Cocoa Puffs and they get all over the floor, and Darwin eats them all – and how's that for cool, right? No one gets stuck cleaning up, right? – and Dr. Grey freaks out because chocolate is bad for dogs, not that Cocoa Puffs are made with real chocolate, but hey, and she says Lola did it on purpose and Mr. Summers is all, 'Oh, hon, if she could read do you really think she'd be wasting her time reading the ingredients on a cereal box?' And Dr. Grey stomps over and yanks open the cabinet to yell at the cat, and Lola shoves out a can that almost hits Dr. Grey, and then things got really strange."
"Uh-huh," Logan said, opening his seventh beer.
"And Dr. Grey's all, 'Did you see that? That little bitch tried to kill me with a can of SpaghettiOs!' And Mr. Summers is like, 'We have SpaghettiOs? The children shouldn't be eating that!' and Dr. Grey's all, 'I cannot believe you're taking that cat's side in this, Scott! Why don't you just sleep with Emma Frost right this second?' And Mr. Summers is all, 'What? Huh?' and then they argue – and somehow it's all about Emma Frost, who's a real tramp and it's really disgusting how she totally wants to do Mr. Summers, though really, y'know, a lot of people want to do Mr. Summers, y'know, well, of course you know – and so he drags her – Dr. Grey, not Emma Frost, 'cause she wasn't here – into the pantry to make up, and God, isn't that gross, and anyway, if you want chocolate syrup, too bad, because we're all out now thanks to them. How gross, you know?"
"Jesus fucking Christ," Logan said morbidly. "I'm gonna puke right here."
"Dude, I know!" Jubilee cried. "They're, like, old! I mean, not as old as you, because you're like, older than dirt, but they're still pretty old and I dunno why they're always going at it, because it's really sick. And don't even get me started about the time they had this thing for peanut butter. You would not believe – "
"Gonna puke," Logan repeated, "right fucking here."
"Dude, you totally gotta get over these drama issues," Jubilee advised. "You know who you remind me of? Emma Frost, because right after that whole Lola-tried-to-kill-me fight, Ms. Frost comes to visit, and she's barely here a day and she gets all pissy because Darwin chewed up one of her bras. He's always getting into her stuff, you know? And Dr. Grey's all, 'Well, you must be doing something to provoke him, because he never destroys my bras.' And Ms. Frost is all, 'That's pure self-preservation, darling. The poor thing knows he'd choke to death on all that padding.' And this in the dining hall, right? So we're all, 'Oooooh.' And Mr. Summers just puts his head down on the table and goes, 'Ohhhhh,' and the prof starts gettin' that twitch over his right eye, you know the one he gets? And the rest of the night is all sorta a blur, because the next thing I know, it's the next day and we're all in class."
"Uh-huh," Logan said, rubbing his forehead.
"Dude, that's totally what Mr. Summers does when I tell him stuff," Jubilee said. "I dunno, it must help him remember stuff better. Maybe it'll help you remember stuff, too, you know? Then I could totally be your amnesia cure, and wouldn't that be so awesome? I can be, like, your totally trusty sidekick! Like Lola is sorta like Mr. Summers' trusty sidekick, only that's mostly because she loves him and hates everyone else. And let's face it, Darwin's much better when you're in trouble, you know? I mean, like, if Mr. Summers calls you into his office to have one of those 'little talks' – and dude, that's like, totally a joke, because he talks and you just listen and say, 'Yes, Mr. Summers,' 'No, Mr. Summers,' 'I know it's a felony, Mr. Summers,' and all – and he's all, 'You have embarrassed this school,' and Lola just sits in his inbox and sneers and she's all, 'You so deserve this. And if you even think about trying to pet me, I will make you bleed.'"
She paused for breath, then went on. "But if you're in trouble with Dr. Grey – say you need a shot or something, and Wolvie, don't make that face, because that's the reason Mr. Summers says you're a wimp, you know? Shots are totally not that bad. Like getting a piercing is way worse, especially if you get pierced somewhere that's not, like, your ear. Did you know they do piercings in the Village in all kinds of places? Like I'm thinking about getting my – oh, Wolvie, c'mon, here we go with the drama. I totally know you can't choke. That whole healing factor thing, you know? Where was I? Oh, yeah – but say you need a shot, or stitches or – Wolvie, don't look like that, drink more beer, c'mon, there you go – and whatever, well, Dr. Grey lets you hold Darwin, and he's all, 'Ooh, look at my toy frog! It squeaks when I bite it! Ooh, you have a new bracelet, and it's yummy!' and you're just so busy trying not to get licked to death that before you know it, Dr. Grey's all done with you and it's not that bad."
"Point, kid?" Logan asked. "You got a fucking point here?"
"Well, obviously, Wolvie," Jubilee said haughtily. "Mr. Summers and Dr. Grey are taking Darwin into the city to visit some friend of theirs named Naomi who had surgery and they totally think Darwin's gonna cheer her up and all I can say is I hope that poor chick doesn't own anything she doesn't want licked or chewed or slobbered on, you know? So, like, if you wanna take a nature walk this is a good time because you won't be tripping over them in the rose garden again and carrying on again, and you'd think your super Spidey senses would keep you from doing that, but I think they don't because you just seem to, like, crave these big scenes. And hey, since they're in the city if they wanna do it they'll probably stop in Central Park – they been on this nature thing for a while, I told you that, right? – unless they decide to wait until they get home because I really don't think they'll do anything in front of the dog. Unless – "
"I'm outta here," Logan said, lurching out of his chair and storming out of the kitchen.
"Wolvie, wait!" Jubilee cried. "Watch out for – "
She was drowned out by a thud and a stream of Canadian-accented profanity.
"I was trying to tell you that Lola's been throwing up there and it's all slippery and gross," Jubilee cried. "Why doesn't anyone ever listen to me?"