by Dark (because my mind is very very strange)
Summary: Sawada "Tsuna" Tsunayuki a.k.a. No-Good-Tsuna, never thought that she'd ever be important enough to get a home tutor, let alone one who wanted to turn her into the tenth generation mafia boss of the Vongola family, and the first female one at that. But now in the midst of trying to raise her grades and make new friends, she's finding that there's a lot more to this "Mafia" business than she first thought.
Pairings: GokuderaTsuna, YamamotoTsuna, HibariTsuna, DinoTsuna, MukuroTsuna, LanciaTsuna, RyoheiTsuna, BasilTsuna, SqualoTsuna, BelphegorTsuna, XanxusTsuna, ChikusaTsuna, KenTsuna, maybe OlderRebornTsuna, one-sided HaruTsuna, Chrome+Tsuna, and Kyoko+Tsuna. Maybe-ish some Adult!LamboOC.
Disclaimer: Do you REALLY want me to actually own this? Thought not.
Dedicated to Shin-chan, because she made some really pretty pictures of Female Tsuna! Also, everyone on the KHR forums, this chapter's for you! Thanks for helping me when I was feeling down, it really made me feel better!
Quote for the Story:
"Be careful what you wish for, for it might just come true, but not in the least the way you expected."
Songs listened to while writing this chapter: See Who I Am, by, you guess it, I don't know.
Quote of the Chapter:
"Um… err… well… What I want to say is… I mean, what I mean is… uh… Impregnant."
(cue girlish screams and faints)
-Sawada Tsunayuki and all her men(coughmanwhorescough)
Moral: Hibari has a really high pitched girlish scream…
"Soumen again?" Tsuna asked with a sigh as she sat down at the kitchen table, joining the others already there. "Lately we've only been eating left-overs from mid-year gifts," she commented.
"D-don't complain!" Nana told her, "It's good for us, financially," she added.
"I like the soumen that Maman makes," Reborn said.
"I like it too," Bianchi agreed.
"Why thank you, Reborn-chan and Bianchi-chan!" Nana exclaimed.
"I'm not saying I don't like it," Tsuna said, rolling her eyes and feeling slightly exasperated, "I'm just getting a bit tired of it."
"Well, if you'd eat the meat, maybe you'd like it better," Reborn told her, using this chance to continue their long standing argument about Tsuna's eating habits and vegiatarism. So far it was the only argument that Reborn hadn't immediately won.
Tsuna scowled at him. "And I told you, I don't eat meat!" she said.
"Well!" Nana cut in, trying to diffuse the situation before it even started, "There's one more person who likes soumen," she said. A loud crash came from behind her. "Oh, there he is," she finished, looking behind her as loud laughter came from outside the kitchen door.
"It's me! Lambo!" Lambo cried out as he entered the kitchen, the two horns he usually wore stuck lopsidedly on his head.
Tsuna turned to look at him and sighed on spotting his state of disarray. Getting up, she went over and knelt in front of him, reaching out and gently dislodging the horns from his hair. "At least try and put them on properly," she told him, sticking the two horns on either side of his head, the way they were supposed to go.
"It was intentional," Lambo tried to lie, blushing slightly in embarrassment as Tsuna picked him up and brought him over to the table, setting him down and going back to her own seat. "It really was intentional!" he insisted, drawing a bazooka out from somewhere and firing it with a cry of, "Die Reborn!"
Tsuna slapped her hand over her face, not even needing to watch to know what would happen next.
Bringing up his chopsticks, Reborn caught the missile headed towards him, and with a flick of his wrist, sent it heading right back at the other hitman.
Lambo stared in surprise as his shot came right back at him, finally slamming into his cheek and sending flying, up and away.
Tsuna ran to the window, feeling worried about the boy, but also wishing he would just stop. Nana soon joined her in watching out the window.
With a scream and a crash, Lambo impacted into the side of a house a short distance away, flying through the window and landing, unconscious, in a room.
One of the residents, a young boy, quickly opened the door to see what had happened and ended up staring in shock.
"What was that sound?" an older woman asked as she joined him near the door, and younger girl following shortly after, asking, "Why are you just standing there, Shoichi?"
Finally seeing what Shoichi was looking at, the two joined him in his staring.
"Wha-what is this!?" the older woman exclaimed, looking at the small child collapsed in the middle of the floor, debris strewn around him. "It's a child!" she exclaimed.
"Is… is he ok?" the boy asked as all three of them entered the room cautiously.
"I can't believe this, what is going on?" the girl wondered aloud.
Just then, the doorbell rang.
"Sho-chan, answer it," the woman ordered.
With a sigh, Shoichi headed for the door. Opening it just a crack, he looked out and asked, "Yes?"
Standing there was a slightly shady looking man holding a box. "Someone asked me to deliver this," he said, shoving the box into Shoichi's hands, "Here," he added, and with that, he turned and left, leaving the boy to stand there holding the box, which was actually more of a crate.
"Uh…" Shoichi stated eloquently, and taking a Moment to collect himself, he headed back into his house. "A contraband arrived…" he told his mother and sister when he entered back into the room where the little kid had crashed.
Both women were surprised. With a look between them, they both nodded. "Let's open it," the younger girl said, taking the box from her brother and putting it on the floor. Prying it open, they all peered in.
Inside the crate was a short letter sitting onto of some kind of package wrapped in cow print.
"Bovino's Summer Assortments for Apology," Shoichi read aloud from the envelope, "Pasta x 2, Olive Oil x 3, Wine x 1," Curious, he opened the letter. "We're very sorry that our Lambo has caused a great amount of trouble this time," he read, "This is a little something on our behalf. In addition, please give the cow-printed bag to Lambo."
"Lambo's probably that kid…" Shoichi's sister said as they all glanced over at the still unconscious child.
"Isn't… the response a little too fast?" his mother wondered as she removed the first layer of goods from the crate, the cow printed bag.
"Oh my!!" she exclaimed as she looked into the crate, "There's a wad of bills in here!!" she said, pulling out the thick wad of money. Her children joined her in staring at the contents of the box in surprise. "Wine, pasta, and olive oil too!!" the woman continued as they looked through the mysterious package.
"This kid's family is insane," the sister stated dryly as she sat back, still staring at the box.
"What to do?" the mother wondered, sitting back as well, a strained smile on her face.
Shoichi picked up the bag that had fallen to the floor in his family's astonishment over the items in the crate. "It's the cow-printed bag…" he murmured to himself, turning it over as he looked at it.
Shoichi looked down when he heard the noise, wondering what it was. His eyes widened when he spotted the grenade that lay there, having fallen out of the bag. 'T…this is…' he managed to think through his shock as he picked up the innocent looking weapon, holding it in a shaking hand.
"Sorry, Sho-chan," his mother said suddenly, breaking the boy out of his thoughts and causing him to drop the grenade, "Can you return this box, too, when you bring the boy back?" she asked him, seeming to not notice her sons shock.
"M-me?!" Shoichi squeaked, his eyes wide.
"Obviously," his sister stated, picking up the object her brother had dropped and inspecting it, "Men should do the job. Women are too weak!" she said. "What's this?" she asked, showing the grenade to her mother.
Her mother took it from her and looked at it for a Moment. "Oh, it's just a kid's toy," she told her daughter, dropping it carelessly on the floor as she did so.
"But I don't know the address!" Shoichi told the two women, sweating nervously as he searched desperately for an excuse, any excuse, not to go. He wanted nothing to do with a family that sent grenades to children, even if they were toy ones. It was just too weird.
"Oh, that's no problem!" his mother told him, smiling happily, oblivious to her sons' distress, "It was in the boy's pocket!" she said, handing him the note that she had found.
Shoichi looked over it and felt another wave of distress coming on. 'Order: Target: Sawada Reborn: Address: XX City, 12th Street' the note read. Shoichi knew for certain that it was not something a normal person would carry around. It said 'Orders' and 'Target' for Christ's sake!!
"Reborn… is he a foreign landlord or something?" Shoichi's sister wondered aloud as she looked at the note over her brothers' shoulder. Then she continued, not waiting for an answer, "It's pretty close," she said, "So if anything happens, we'll come to get you," she finished.
"I'll lend you my cell phone, so you can call us," his mother said, holding out the aforementioned object.
Shoichi sighed, deciding to accept his fate. "It's always me at times like this…" he muttered to himself.
Outside the Sawada House
Shoichi looked from the note in his hand to the sign in front of him, making sure that he was in the right place. 'It's here…' he thought, walking cautiously forward as he reached back to adjust the small boy on his back.
Glancing around the corner of the building, he froze when he spotted a pink haired woman lying on a lawn chair, wearing only a bathing suit. Quickly closing his eyes, Shoichi pulled back, bringing the cell phone his mother had let him borrow out of his pocket and dialing his home number.
"Hello?! Mom!" Shoichi shouted as soon as the line connected, "There's a lady in a bathing suit sleeping in the yard!" he exclaimed.
"On no, Sho-chan, that's just sun bathing," his mother told him, "Unlike us, rich people do stuff like that. I knew it; Sawada-san's family is a celebrity! Is it a nice mansion?" she asked her son.
"Eh…?" Shoichi uttered, confused as to what his mother was talking about. He took a glance at the house, certain that it was a house and not a mansion. "Um…"
"Well, good luck," his mother said, apparently deciding not to wait for an answer as she hung up.
Shoichi stared at the cell phone in his hand in shock, completely at a loss as to what to do next. 'What now-?'
"Is there something you want?" a voice asked from behind Shoichi, startling him out of his thoughts. Whirling around, he came face to face with the pink haired lady that he had just seen sunbathing in the Sawada's yard. "Don't you know it's rude to peek into other people's houses?" she asked him, her hands on her hips.
Shoichi jumped back, shrieking as he did so. After a Moment he managed to calm himself and stutter out, "I-is Reborn-san…"
As soon as he uttered the name of the man he was looking for, the woman's eyes widened, turning harsh. "You came to kill him?!" she snapped out at Shoichi, seeming to loom over him.
"What's wrong Bianchi?" a voice asked from behind Shoichi, startling him and causing him to jump.
"Reborn!" the woman, Bianchi, exclaimed, a smile coming over her face as she turned to the side, her attitude doing a complete 180 as she seemed to forget about Shoichi.
Shoichi let out a breath of relief as he turned around, glad that it seemed he had finally found the man he was looking for. Now all he had to do was return the boy and then he could… go… … home…?
"Ciaossu," a small boy, one that seemed to be even younger than the boy on his back was, greeted Shoichi when he turned around, a fedora on his head and a can of beer in his hands.
Shoichi felt his jaw drop in shock as he watched the baby take a sip from the can of beer in his hands. This Reborn was nothing like he had imagined him to be. He'd always thought that the man would be some sort of foreigner, or something. But certainly not a baby.
"Well?" Reborn asked, bringing Shoichi back to reality with a jerk, causing him to remember why he was there in the first place.
"Eh… Um… This…" Shoichi managed to stutter out, pointing over his shoulder at the boy on his back in an attempt to get his point across, his mind oddly blank.
Only as he did so did he notice that the boy he had been lugging around was starting to wake up. Letting out a groan, the boy in cow print opened his eyes.
"Oh!" the boy cried as he spotted the baby, "Reborn!!" he exclaimed, pushing up against Shoichi's face and dislodging his glasses as the little boy struggled to get out of the carrying bag on Shoichi's back, ignoring the discomfort he was causing the boy who had been carrying him around.
"Gahahaha!!" the boy laughed, slightly creepily as he tugged at the horns on either side of his head, "Lambo-san's horns can turn into strong weapons!" he cried, seemingly at random as he finally pulled them off his head. "Die, Reborn!" he screamed, throwing the two objects at the other boy with a strength unnatural for a boy his age.
Reborn reached up and whipped the lizard he had on his head off, the animal changing into a bat as he did so. He then used the animal turned sports equipment to whack the horns thrown at him right back at Lambo, where they hit the other boy in the forehead, making his eyes roll back in his head.
Shoichi was shocked into silence for a Moment, unable to move. Then he regained his senses, and with a mumbled, "Excuse me!" he dashed around the corner, trying to get away from the crazy people.
Quickly checking both ways, Shoichi made sure he was alone, and then pulled out his mothers cell phone, dialing his home phone number once again. "Reborn-san is still a baby!" he shouted as soon as someone picked up, feeling frantic and confused.
"Eh? Baby?" his mother's voice asked.
"But he was drinking beer!! And he's so strong at fighting!!" Shoichi continued, desperate to make his mother understand, but unable to think of the right words to do so.
"Ohh!" the voice on the other end of the line exclaimed, "Not a baby, but a Mommy, huh? A Mommy with guts!" his mother concluded, misunderstanding the situation completely.
"NO!!" Shoichi shouted at her, feeling frustrated to the point of tearing his hair out.
"So she doesn't have much guts…?" his mother concluded hesitantly to him, sounding confused as she misunderstood him yet again. "Did Lambo-kun wake up? Is he well?" she asked, changing the subject without waiting for her son to answer her first question.
"He's dying!!!" Shoichi shouted into the phone, hoping that his mother would understand this, at least.
"Huh?" his mother asked him, not seeming to understand what he was saying, "You mean the boy that you had on your back?" she tried to clarify.
Looking over his shoulder on instinct, Shoichi suddenly realized that the boy (who had been unconscious Moments before) had managed to crawl out of the bag and up a tree, finally standing on a branch near the top.
"Lambo-san is a boy of tolerance!" Lambo shouted from the top of the tree, tears streaming down his face. "This time I'll just boom you!!!" he cried out, drawing an absurd amount of grenades from somewhere. "Boom boom booooom you!!!!" he declared tearfully.
"Ack!" Shoichi exclaimed, looking towards the cow printed bag that had been filled with grenades, only to find it empty.
"Stupid!!!" Lambo shouted, and threw his grenades into the Sawada yard.
Reborn, already having gone back to relaxing, just held up his lizard, which had already melted into an iron fan, and batted the explosives right back at Lambo.
Shoichi could only watch the whole thing with wide, shocked, eyes, as the grenades exploded on top of the little boy, the ensuing lights and smoke blocking him from view. After the dust settled, an unconscious Lambo came into view once again, and Shoichi rushed over, picking him up and putting the boy back into the carrier on his back.
"Reborn-san just boom'd Lambo!!" Shoichi shouted into the phone, completely lost as to what was happening anymore.
"Celebrities are lucky!" his mother exclaimed, much to Shoichi's confusion, "What did they buy?"
"No!! Not 'Buy', 'Boom'!!!" he shouted at his mother, frustrated that she wasn't listening.
"Oh, they're celebrities so they do fireworks even during daytime!"
"Then from early in the morning?"
"You're so energetic today, Sho-chan!!"
"Aargggh!!!" Shoichi exclaimed inarticulately, frustrated beyond belief. He was just about to continue shouting at his mother when a loud bang came from behind him.
"Hey!!" a voice shouted from inside the Sawada yard, "Who is it that's blowing things up again?!"
Shoichi turned and searched for the owner of the voice, relieved that he had finally found someone who seemed semi normal. Finally, he spotted the person, who ended up being a very pretty girl with very long blond hair.
"Ah!" Shoichi exclaimed, starting forwards and towards the girl as she started yelling at the pink haired woman, who had gone back to sun bathing. "Excuse me!"
The blond girl looked up at him, a surprised expression on her face. "Oh! A guest!" she blushed and rushed towards him, "I'm sorry about all the commotion and weirdness going on around here," she told Shoichi as she reached him, "I'm Tsuna! Is there anything I can do for you?" she asked him, a slightly nervous smile on her face as she bowed slightly.
Shoichi blushed. The girl, Tsuna, looked very cute when she smiled, and he didn't have that much experience with girls to begin with. "Well, um, I'm Shoichi…" he said, returning her greeting with a small smile and a slight bow of his own, "And I'm here to return the boy… Lambo, he crashed through m-our living room…"
"Ah!" the girl exclaimed, her face lighting up slightly, "Lambo! I was worried when it took him so long to return! Thanks for bringing him back, Shoichi-kun!" she said, a true smile crossing her face.
Shoichi blushed again, looking to the side and at the ground, hoping that the girl wouldn't notice his blush. "Err… are you his big sister?" he asked when he finally managed to gain control of his blush and look at the girl.
Now it was the girls' turn to turn red. "Uh… well, not exactly…" she told him. "Actually-"
"Ah!" Lambo exclaimed, finally waking up again, "Mama!" he shouted, struggling himself out of Shoichi backpack and then jumping onto the girl, who reached up instinctively to catch him.
"'M-mother?!'" Shoichi exclaimed, shocked. But the girl looked so young! 'Okay, maybe not so normal after all,' he thought.
The girl nodded, her face beat red. "Well… it's complicated," she told him. "I'm not really his mother… but that's what he calls me."
"Oh…" Shoichi agreed vaguely, confused but knowing that it was time to leave. "Well… I better be going now…" he told the girl, starting to back up.
"Oh… okay…" Tsuna responded, her face falling slightly before she pasted on a smile. "Thank you!" she called after him as he left.
'That was weird…' Shoichi thought to himself as he left. Unfortunately, he didn't know just how weird his life was going to turn out to be after that.
A/N: I'm so so so sorry that this is so late!!! I had some trouble working on it, and some of the parts just didn't want to be written. I also got a little too involved with some talks at the KHR forums which kind of caused me to forget about this as I got mugged/jumped/kidnapped/taken over by plot bunnies.
Well, now the chapters out, so I hope Shin-chan won't kill me after all…
The Contest: Review with what you think a characters reaction to Tsuna-chan will be, or what you think her reaction will be to them. You can pick any character you want, big or small, and you can do as many characters as you want, but only one per character, please. The two contest categories are Most Accurate and Most Creative (Or Insane/Crazy/Ridiculous/Etc…), and please include which one you are going for with you entry(ies). There will be prizes; for Most Accurate there will be one for each character (and each of the characters will end when they are introduced) and for Most Creative there will be one overall prize (and that contest will end when I say it does).
Entries: (writer - contest - characters)
Shinsei Tsukiko - Most Accurate - Basil and Iemitsu
yamimitsu - Most Accurate - Hibari
Pain au Chocolat - Most Accurate - Marmon
Craze Izumi - Most Accurate - Hibari and Dino
Alanua - Most Accurate - Yamamoto's Dad
TnM aka Touya no Miko - Most Accurate - Hibari and Dino
stooopidblackkitty13 - Most Accurate - Longchamp