Act 1, Scene 1
Marcellus and Horatio see Hamlet Sr. They freak out.
Horatio tells Marcellus that Hamlet Sr. won some land and stuff from Fortinbras of Norway and killed him in the process.
Fortinbras Jr. wants his daddy's land back. Denmark is preparing to defend itself.
Ghost/Hamlet Sr. won't talk to them, they decide to tell Hamlet Jr.
Act 1, Scene 2
CLAUDIUS - "I married my sister-in-law, even though that's considered incest by pretty much all of Denmark and I wrote this note to Fortinbras' senile uncle, the king of Norway, telling him what Fortinbras is up to, and he can't have his lands back. Cornelius and Voltemand, go tell him."
LAERTES – I want to go back to France.
CLAUDIUS– Go do it. Hamlet, everybody loses a father. Get over it.
HAMLET – It's been two months!
GERTRUDE (Hamlet's mom)– …And? By the way, I don't want you to go back to Wittenberg for school.
HAMLET – Okay.
Exeunt everyone but Hamlet.
HAMLET – passionately soliloquizes IT HAS BEEN TWO MONTHS!!! – Oh, hey there Horatio. Long time no see. Marcellus, hey.
MARCELLUS AND HORATIO – Yo. We came for your father's funeral.
HAMLET – You mean my mother's wedding?
MARCELLUS AND HORATIO – OH SNAP. Oh by the way, your father's a ghost and he's walking about at night.
HAMLET – TAKE ME TO HIM.
Act 1, Scene 3
LAERTES: Hey sis, I'm leaving for France. While I'm gone, make sure you don't take Hamlet too seriously. He's probably just trifling with you.
OPHELIA: Uuuhhh…thanks…for that.
POLONIUS: Bye, son.
LAERTES: Bye dad. Remember what I said, Phel.
OPHELIA: Sure thing.
POLONIUS: What did he say?
POLONIUS: What was that? Speak up!
OPHELIA: I think Hamlet likes me!
POLONIUS: Man, are you stupid. Who would like you? You can't talk to him anymore.
OPHELIA: You guys are great.
Act 1, Scene 4
HAMLET: Well, here we are…Cold, idn't it?
MARCELLUS: Look, there he is!
HORATIO: I think it wants you to go with it. I don't think you should, though. You might be driven crazy. Not that I'm giving the audience any foreshadowing or anything.
HAMLET: Psh. Whatever. I'm going. AND I'LL STICK MY POINTY SWORD INTO YOUR GUT IF YOU TRY TO STOP ME!
HAMLET: rushes off
HORATIO: Dude, we should probably follow him.
Act 1, Scene 5
GHOST: I'm your dead dad.
GHOST: Okay, look. You know how people say I was killed by a serpent that bit me in the ear?
HAMLET: The ear? Are you serious?
GHOST: Shut up and listen, knave. The "serpent" that "bit me" now wears my crown.
HAMLET: Holy crap! My uncle?!
GHOST: You're quick. Anyway, it doubly sucks, cause I didn't have time to confess my sins before a priest, so it's kinda anyone's guess where my soul is going. Why we're worried about this, when William Shakespeare was a Protestant, I don't know. I guess it adds tension.
GHOST: Oh, look at the glowworms. Gotta go. Take care!
MARCELLUS AND HORATIO: enter
HORATIO: Dude…what happened?
HAMLET: shakes himself Uuuhhh…I can't tell you. You'd let the cat out of the bag.
HORATIO: No way, man. We tight. thumps chest
HAMLET: There's never a villain dwelling in all Denmark but he's an arrant knave.
MARCELLUS AND HORATIO: True story.
HAMLET: Look, guys, promise you won't tell anyone what you've seen tonight.
HORATIO: Because we totally want people to think we're as crazy as you. Trust me, we're not telling anybody.
HAMLET: Swear on my sword, just in case.
MARCELLUS: Look, dude, I promise we're not going to tell anyone.
HAMLET: Swear on my sword!
HORATIO: Look, I know it's been a tough night, what with seeing your dead dad and everything…
HAMLET: Swear on my freaking sword!
MARCELLUS AND HORATIO: Look, it just really isn't neces-
GHOST: from underground SWEAR ON HIS SWORD, BITCHES!
HORATIO: This is me swearing on Hamlet's sword.