A/N: Okay, so this is my first actual attempt at writing anything for SasuNaru. I posted this on lj, but it's not quite finished. Unbeta'd, and all comments welcome
Disclaimer: Don't own Naruto and company, but the cracky plot is the result of a very pleasant nap. All hail the nap!
Warning: boyxboy love. Don't like, don't read. some cursing and adult situations, etc, etc.
Naruto glared at the brown haired man sitting causally next to him. Rather than feeling offended at the glare, he was grinning, making his appearance seem more like that of a mad man with the red triangular shaped tattoos on his face, his eyes dancing with glee. Seeing he was not getting his point across here, Naruto turned to the pink haired girl on his other side, who sighed at him.
"Naruto, glaring is not going to make it any less true," she mumbled, rubbing at her head. Being around these two idiots always gave her a headache.
Kiba chuckled and gave the blond a hard whack on the back, making him grunt at the loss of air. "Face it, Fox Face. You've known it for years now, why make a fuss now?"
"Why?" Naruto nearly growled in annoyance. "Because I fucking can't stand it! What the hell kinda nerve has that ass got to feel me up! And at work!"
Sakura sighed again. She could understand where he was coming from. Having been told for years he had "an extremely fuckable ass", he should be (annoyingly) used to it. But for some random person to actually go around feeling him up was not good. If it had been her, she would have hit the guy hard enough to knock him into unconsciousness.
"Naruto…" she began, looking at the blue eyed man wearily. Honestly, she hated having to lecture him, especially at a time like this. "There's no need to lose your temper. All you have to do is-"
"Yeah! That's it! Get laid!!" Kiba called out, sitting up from his chair in triumph so suddenly it fell over and clunked loudly against the wall that was just behind him. Sakura's green eyes glared at him furiously for being interrupted.
"What the fuck? Kiba, don't be an ass!" Naruto hollered. There was that headache again, Sakura groaned.
"Yeah, that's the answer! Brilliant!" Kiba continued on, chuckling evilly.
"And how is that the answer?" Naruto demanded, his face scrunched up into a pout.
Kiba fixed his chair and sat back down, ready to explain his brilliant plan to the blond idiot. "Alright, I know you've been in denial about having an incredibly fuckable ass, no matter how many people tell you. And I know you go around pretending to like girls and get turned down left and right." Naruto's eye twitched. "So I know you're as much of a virgin as you were when you were born, perverted teachers aside." Naruto's eye twitched again. "But just think about it. All you really have to do is pick some random guy and let him fuck you up the ass and then all your problems are solved!"
Naruto's eye twitched again and he continued to glare as fiercely as possible in Kiba's direction. "And how," he growled out through clenched teeth, "do you suppose that will solve my problem?"
"What do you mean how?" Kiba frowned.
"I think you left out some important details of your so called 'brilliant' plan'," Sakura provided.
"Damnit Kiba!" Naruto screeched. Kiba sat back and thought about it a moment, Naruto fuming and Sakura trying to alleviate her steadily growing headache. Shouldn't she have learned by now hanging out with these two was more trouble that it was worth?
But when Naruto had rushed into her office, face flushed and begging for her advice, she couldn't do anything but follow him back to his own office where Kiba had already made himself comfortable. Of course the blond wasn't stupid enough to ask Kiba's advice; the brunet had just seen Naruto in his flustered state and decided he might as well be kept in the loop and see what was happening. Maybe he could get some good taunting material for later, not to mention some entertainment now.
Finally Kiba spoke again. "You know, I didn't mean just any random guy."
Blue and green eyes perked up at the possibility of further explanation.
"Yeah, yeah, listen up," Kiba spoke conspiratorially, leaning back towards the desk. Both Sakura and Naruto leaned forward as well. "Alright, so you find some possessive guy, right? One that, once he's gotten you up the ass, he wouldn't just let anyone look, right? I mean, 'cause that would be his ass."
Naruto glared. "Are you telling me to find some guy who's so fucking possessive he would terrify the living daylights out of anyone stupid enough get his eyes or dick anywhere in the vicinity of me?"
Kiba nodded enthusiastically, looking very satisfied with himself.
"Kiba, you're a moron." Kiba looked deflated at the blond's oh-so-subtle rejection of his "brilliant" plan.
"Actually…" Sakura mused, wondering at how Kiba could have stumbled on something that might work.
"What?!?" Naruto screeched, seeing the contemplative look on Sakura's pretty face. Kiba grinned in triumph. If he could get Sakura to buy it, not only did it confirm it was brilliant, but he knew she of all people would get Naruto to go through with it.
"Sakura-chan…" Naruto begged, giving her his most endearing puppy dog eyes.
She ignored him. "Think about it Naruto. If you find someone you actually like, let him screw you up the ass, then that should keep the perverts here from ogling you all the time. The guy would have to be pretty intensely possessive though. That might be harder. I doubt you'll have a problem seducing him once you find him, though."
"Gahh! You're both insane!!!" Naruto screeched again, nearly tearing his hair out.
The door took that opportunity to swing forward roughly, banging against the wall where they could hear an audibly crack. Framed in the doorway stood an angry looking woman with long blonde hair, honey-colored eyes, and a rather large chest. "And why, might I ask," the angry woman began, veins popping on her forehead, her voice straining to suppress her fury, "aren't you working?"
Everyone froze. Three pairs of eyes rested on their boss, suddenly fearing for their lives. Tsunade, for her part, glared at each pair of eyes in turn, going back to those deep blue ones when she had surveyed them all enough to see the fear. The eyes blinked.
"Tsunade-baachan! Sakura and Kiba are picking on me!" that voice of her dear Naruto whined. She could feel her anger deflating. Damn that brat.
"Tsunade-san," Sakura began. "Naruto came to me for advice and I couldn't just leave him hanging when he was so obviously distressed," she appealed, knowing their boss would instantly forget the former fury and be ready to help. She was right.
"What? What happened?" Tsunade rushed forward to the desk.
"You might want to sit down for this," Sakura stated dismally, not expecting Tsunade to rush out, yank a chair which was still currently occupied by someone just outside Naruto's office, leave said person stunned on the floor, and rush back in, planting herself in it, waiting.
Before Sakura could start however, Tsunade shouted, making them all wince, "Shizune, sake!" Tsunade had a feeling she would need it. Seconds later her dark haired secretary dashed into the room, having heard her employer's screech, a bottle of sake and a cup clasped in her hands. She rushed back out seconds later and Tsunade calmly poured herself some alcohol.
"Alright, what happened," she inquired, downing a cup quickly.
Sakura explained the situation, Tsunade taking attentive gulps of her precious sake, her eyes turning to slits at the mention of Naruto being sexually harassed in her office. Sakura then continued on with Kiba's plan, adding her own details to the mix so Tsunade wouldn't become confused and irritable. As Sakura finished, Tsunade realized she had run out of sake. So of course, she screeched for more.
"Tsunade-san, should you really be drinking so early in the day?" Sakura questioned. Naruto shivered in fear for Sakura and Kiba tried to duck under the desk. Tsunade glared.
Shizune popped into the room again, another bottle in her hands. "Tsunade-san, you shouldn't be drinking so early in the day. And shouldn't you be working?"
Tsunade took the bottle and turned her glare on Shizune, who quickly scurried back out of the room.
The large-breasted woman turned back to the group and poured herself another cup before speaking. "I think they're right, brat."
"Eh???" Naruto squirmed.
Their boss gulped down another cup and nodded. "I've thought you needed to get laid for a while now. And about the ass thing, it's obvious you've got a cute one. And I'm going to hunt down and murder every one of those perverts who've groped it."
Naruto could feel the blood rushing to his face, unable to comprehend he had just been complemented on his ass by his boss, who he saw as a mother figure. He finally gave up and let his head collapse against his hard desk. "You people are insane."
"Only, I think if you're gonna offer up said cute ass, the guy not only has to be possessive," Tsunade continued, ignoring the blond and taking another gulp of sake, making herself comfortable in her chair, "he should also have money."
"Money?" Kiba asked, making himself comfortable as well. Seeing their boss there with them, he felt safe enough to know they wouldn't be needing to get back to work any time soon.
"Of course," Sakura nodded, catching on. "For one thing, if the guy Naruto decides on has money, he can be assured he'll be taken care of, plus with money comes power. The jerks here wouldn't dare ogle Naruto's ass if they knew Naruto's got a rich, powerful, possessive lover. The guy wouldn't even need to be in the vicinity actively watching over Naruto's ass if he had a reputation to do it for him."
Tsunade nodded. Naruto groaned, giving up any last claim he held to his chastity.
"And where do you suppose I'm gonna find someone rich, powerful and possessive?"
"And will it even be possible for him to seduce someone like that?" Kiba wondered.
"Don't be daft. Of course. All the brat would have to do is wave his ass around and he'll find himself being humped before he could say 'strip me'."
Naruto groaned again. How is it he had been cursed to be associated with these people who were so willing to flaunt his ass?
"But the question of where is a problem," Sakura added, looking thoughtful as she shifted in her chair.
"Hmm," Tsunade mused, taking another drink of her sake.
"Alright, so let me get this straight," Naruto began, sitting up in his seat. If he was going to be forced to go along with this, he might as well have the plan straight. "You want me to find some rich, possessive guy, let him fuck me, and then let his jealous streak take care of the losers here who are always hitting on me?"
His two coworkers and his boss all nodded, pleased he at least understood the logistics of the plan they had formulated. He groaned again.
"So none of you are concerned about the fact that I'll be losing my virginity here."
"Of course we are, Naruto," Sakura comforted.
"Nope, not a bit," Kiba supplied, looking very pleased with himself.
"You're still a virgin?" Tsunade burst out, nearly choking on her current cup of sake. She was almost out again. Naruto glared. "Aren't you 23? Why the hell haven't you been laid yet?"
Naruto ignored her. "I don't wanna do it!" he protested.
"Geez, Fox Face. No one's forcing you," Kiba stated, while in his head he was feverishly chanting Someone force him! Someone force him! Someone force him! He wanted some entertainment, damnit! And watching the blond being tormented about getting laid was as good as it was going to get. He struggled to hide the smirk.
"Kiba's right, Naruto. We're not forcing you to sleep with anyone. We're just saying, if you want to get the perverts here to stop staring at your ass all the time and fondling you every chance they get, you have to give a little and bend over for someone already," Sakura stated reasonably.
Naruto looked appalled.
"You know," Tsunade murmured as she gazed forlornly into her empty cup, "I think I heard something about some high class party coming up in a week or so. I'll bet you could find someone to give it to ya then."
"Geh, I don't want anyone to give me anything, least of all in my ass!" Naruto screeched, his arms flailing in exasperation. Was no one even listening to his protests for what remained of his dignity?
"Calm down, brat. No one's telling you to just let anyone rich screw you. If the guy is going to have to be possessive, he might as well be good-looking also," Tsunade added before yelling for more sake. Shizune appeared mere seconds later looking frazzled.
"Tsunade-san, if you call for anymore your stock is going to be diminished," she murmured as she handed over another bottle.
"What? Where'd all my sake go?"
"You drank it, Tsunade-san."
Tsunade pondered that for a minute before huffing. "Fine. Restock my sake cabinet by tomorrow morning. You can't expect me to work in this place sober."
Shizune sighed. "Yes, Tsunade-san." She then departed as quickly as she had come while Tsunade happily filled another cup.
"Now, as I was saying," Tsunade continued, "if you go to this thing with me, I can help you look for someone good-looking who you wouldn't mind taking it up the ass for."
Sakura nodded and Kiba tried his best to stifle his giggles, but Naruto looked like he was about to pass out from distress. "Honestly, how can you all take this so lightly. Who even gave you authority over my sex life?"
"Or lack thereof," Kiba added.
"Shut up, Kiba," Naruto muttered.
"Hey, we're just trying to help you, Fox Face. If you didn't want our help why did you bother coming to us anyways? We're just trying to show you we care." Kiba gave Naruto a wolfish grin, one that plainly stated 'Yeah, we care about you giving us a good laugh'.
"I didn't ask for your help, Kiba, I asked for Sakura-chan's advice. Nor did I ask for Tsunade-baachan to get drunk in my office. And I certainly did not ask for confirmation that the only thing you care about is making my life as screwed up as possible."
"Alright, look Naruto," Sakura began, suddenly putting on her I-mean-business-so-shut-up-and-listen face. "If you want those perverts here in the office to stop admiring your ass and you want them to pay for all the hassle they've given you up till now, you gotta find someone who is gonna make them pay. You can't do it, I can't do it, Kiba would rather laugh himself to death than do it, and Tsunade-san can only do so much."
"I still can't believe there are shitty people here harassing my brat. Or anyone. When I find out who they are…" The cup in Tsunade's hand cracked as she squeezed it, glaring down at it as she spoke.
"Yeah, well, I got used to the stares a long time ago. I just don't like the groping," Naruto sighed. "People've been telling me I had an incredibly fuckable ass for years." He paused a moment and thought over what he'd said. Then a frown crossed his face, his whiskered cheeks puffing out. "What the hell! How come I gotta be on the bottom?"
The other three looked at each other. It had never crossed their minds he'd be otherwise. Tsunade shrugged and downed another cup. Sakura looked oddly embarrassed as Kiba allowed a grin to overcome his face, his eyes dancing in unsuppressed glee.
"I hate you all," Naruto muttered as he buried his face in his arms on his desk.
"Yeah, well, I think that's about all I can handle from you three for today," Tsunade sighed as she stood, her cracked cup and empty sake bottle in her hand. "Brat, I'll let you know more info about the party thing when I have it. Wear something nice. And sexy. We want to get you laid, don't we?"
Naruto groaned as she left the room.
"It's okay, Naruto. I'll help you pick something out," Sakura smiled as she stood, preparing to leave as well. Kiba smirked at Naruto as he followed Sakura out the door.
"Good luck, Blondie."
So Naruto was left alone in his office, terrified for the sake of his sanity and mourning the coming loss of his chastity.