Hello again.

This is bad me calling Here I am posting ANOTHER fic when I have such a fucking line up... damn I put myself in holes don't I? DO NOT WORRY! I know what I need to update, and it WILL.GET.DONE. Yes soon and NOT later. But here is a song fic for the moment (because I am in love with them... who knew they could be so much fun to write?)

Title: Beautiful Disaster
Song: Beautiful Disaster (Live version) - Kelly Clarkson
Author: Meggers (Going by Moose? now apparently...)
Paring: Renji/Ichigo
Rating: Work safe... but PG-13 to be safe
Summary: Renji reflects on his feeling for Ichigo after all these years.
Note: … All characters depicted in sexual situations (although not really any) in this post/fanfiction/fanart (including material in the comments) are fictional and are intended to be and considered to be by the author of said material of the legal age of consent in the United States state of California, regardless of what age these characters may be in the material they are derived from.

When he thought of Ichigo, the sentence that came with the orange haired Shinigami was 'a disaster waiting to happen'.

He drowns in his dreams
An exquisite extreme I know
He's as damned as he seems
But more heaven than a heart could hold

The Shinigami always seemed to get itself into some type of trouble. The first time was actually the first time they met. The teen could have listened to Rukia's note and stayed away. He could have continued his life as a rookie Shinigami, never really learning the ropes, and perhaps some where along the line, die.

But he didn't listen to it. No, that isn't who Ichigo is. Telling him to stay away from a fight or telling him not to save some one is like telling a bunch of kindergarteners not to eat the candy that is sitting in front of them. It just won't happen. Maybe Renji was glad that Ichigo showed up. After all, it was his fault Rukia was in this mess in the first place. He would kill him, or nearly, to teach him a lesson. A rookie Shinigami, a teenager who shouldn't even be a Shinigami in the first place, should never challenge a vice captain.

But some how the brat won. And won... and won. He beat the odds, he continues to beat the odds every day of his life, and it's just... unbelievable. Byakuya almost killed him, and yet he shows up in Seireitei with a bunch of kids and tears up the place. Like he learned a lot in a week! But he beat seated Shinigami, beat captains and vice captains. And again, he beat Renji.

And after all that, after he finally saved Rukia and made his point, you'd think he would stop.

Well... obviously you don't know Kurosaki Ichigo.

And if I try to save him
My whole world would cave in
It just ain't right
Lord it just ain't right

Renji wondered how he became friends with the teen. A friendship forged out of fighting and rivalry, it was. And maybe, Renji thought, jealously. The vice captain would never say it out loud, but he was jealous of Ichigo's ability to defy all odds. He was jealous of the teen's power, the power he gained to protect his loved ones. Renji wanted that power. He wanted to be as strong soled as that substitute Shinigami. He had loved ones to protect as well... didn't he?

But after witnessing just what Ichigo had to go through to gain that power, what he still struggles with now, Renji found himself wanting power even more. He wanted power to help Ichigo. He wanted power... to protect him.

But Shinigami are lone fighters. It is an unwritten law that Shinigami do not aid fellow Shinigami in a one on one battle. And although the teen's battles with the Arrankar were most definitely outside of the unwritten rule, Ichigo had a pride that no one else had. If a fight was started between him and who ever, it was going to be him and who ever in that fight. Even on death's door the teen would never ask for help. Not even with his own eternal battles.

Oh and I don't know
I don't know what he's after
But he's so beautiful
He's such a beautiful disaster
And if I could hold on
Through the tears and the laughter
Lord would it be beautiful?
Or just a beautiful disaster

It must have been some time after the Aizen war that Renji realized something had changed. Or maybe, someone had. Ichigo was not longer that Shinigami brat that ran into ever battle head on. The war had changed him, moulded him into a fighter.

He's magic and myth
As strong as what I believe
A tragedy with
More damage than a soul should see

His eyes, oh those eyes, told of things a teen his age should never had seen. The pride and spark was still there, but his eyes would always be darkened. He's still as blunt about everything as ever. that will hopefully never change.

And his power, oh lord that power of his is still growing. Renji asks the man time to time about it. He is always given the same answer.

'If I knew, I'd tell you Ren. I have all the power I want right now. No one I care for is in danger.'

Renji didn't like the answer, of course, but it was the only one he ever got, and he supposed it was good enough.

But do I try to change him?
It's so hard not to blame him
Hold me tight
Baby hold me tight

When Renji first confronted Ichigo about feeling that he couldn't explain, the Shinigami smiled softly and said 'Thanks Renji.' The poor vice captain was at a loss for words. Here was his rival, his best friend, thanking him for telling him he had unexplainable feelings for him?! It was just that kind of attitude that attracted the red head to the man. His smile, when he did smile, was so light and warm, that one could almost swear the berry was still fifteen without a care in the world. It was those smiles that made something in side Renji tingle.

Oh and I don't know
I don't know what he's after
But he's so beautiful
He's such a beautiful disaster
And if I could hold on
Through the tears and the laughter
Would it be beautiful?
Or just a beautiful disaster

And when something did happen out of those unknown feelings, it was like an explosion. The heat and lust and just the wanton need came so suddenly, it was hard to stop. They didn't want to stop. Renji noticed just how badly Ichigo needed this type of human contact. It was no wonder the Shinigami was bad with emotions. He had no one to explore them with.

I'm longing for love and the logical
But he's only happy hysterical
I'm searching for some kind of miracle
Waited so long
I've waited so long

Some how, the feeling became clear threw the muddy thing they barely called a relationship. Renji's feelings for Ichigo were those of worry and caring and need, while Ichigo's was want and lust and rely. And out of that mix came love, eventually, and they worked with it. It was so bluntly obvious how similar they were, and to do nothing about it seemed stupid. Renji tried his best to work around Ichigo constant depression and out right fits, and the Strawberry tried not to be so up tight about everything.

And at last, their work was rewarded. After four years of poking about the bush, they settled down. At least, as much as two Shinigami can.

He's soft to the touch
But frayed at the ends he breaks
He's never enough
And still he's more than I can take

The sex was always heated. Even when it was 'love making' and not just a 'fuck', the obvious lust was always in the air. Renji was always careful with him. He found that Ichigo's emotions were like a dam. It can only hold back so much, and even one small crack can do its damage.

Ichigo was like a love-sick puppy when they were alone or separated for a long time. Ever since the war and his decision to become a full Shinigami, he hasn't visited his home on Earth much. It was like he knew he could never be living again, and all the emotions of sadness showed when he was snuggled against Renji.

Oh and I don't know
I don't know what he's after
But he's so beautiful
He's such a beautiful disaster
And if I could hold on
Through the tears and the laughter
Would it be beautiful?
Or just a beautiful disaster

---------------------------

Renji's half lit eyes scanned his lover that lay next to him silently. He wondered suddenly if he was asleep and shifted.

"Renji..."

"Ah, then you are awake?"

"Yeah..."

"Ichigo?"

"Mnn Ren?"

They were silent, and Ichigo wondered if Renji had fallen asleep himself. But Renji shifted again and spoke.

"You're beautiful."

"No I'm not. You always say that. It amazes me what you find about me that is just so beautiful."

The red head tapped the man's chest. "This. This here."

"What? My heart?"

"Mnn."

"...You're weird."

"Hah."

"... I love you Renji."

"I know you do."

Another long silence and Ichigo yawned and moved uncomfortably.

"Renji..."

"I know."

They shifted and moved into their sleeping positions. Ichigo felt his body succumbing to sleep quickly, but blinked when he felt warm lips on his forehead. "Ren-."

"I love ya Ichi."

He's beautiful
Lord he's so beautiful
He's beautiful...

"Thanks... Ren"

-fin