Boyfriend Quest

A YUROANET Game
(A subsidiary of BAILESUCOM)

By Jason C. Ulloa
Based on a concept by John Walter Biles

Asleep
You are asleep.

)GOAL
To boldly go where no man has gone before.

)SERIOUSLY?
Of course not.

)THEN, WHAT IS IT?
Take a wild guess.

)UH, SAVE THE WORLD?
Oh, please. How original.

)GOAL!
You are not playing soccer.

)HOCKEY, THEN?
Parser thwacks player.

)OW! HEY! WHAT WAS THAT FOR?
For being stupid. Now, can we please get on with this game, already?

)WE COULD IF YOU WOULD JUST TELL ME THE DAMN GOAL.
And why should I?

)FOR ONE THING, IT'S YOUR JOB.
Maybe if you'd bothered to read the instruction manual, I'd be better inclined to help you.

Maybe you're not worthy of my help.

)MAYBE I SHOULD JUST DELETE YOU AND BE DONE WITH IT.
...well, perhaps we don't have to go THAT far.

So, what was it you wanted to know?

)JUST TELL ME THE &$&$ING GOAL ALREADY!!!
All right. Here it is. Your name is Minako. Your favorite color is yellow. Your quest, should you choose to accept it, is to get a boyfriend by the end of the day.

)YOU'RE JOKING, RIGHT?
Afraid not.

)THAT'S THE GOAL?
That's the goal.

)JUST GET A BOYFRIEND?
Boy, you catch on quick. I mean, it's the name of the game, after all. Or, did you just grab something at random from off the shelf? Man, talk about lame.

)...WHERE'S THE UNINSTALL PROGRAM?
H-hey, let's not get hasty now! Look, you know how these games work. Something this simple-sounding can't be that easy, right?

)WELL...
Trust me. It's not. Tell you what, let's just continue with the game and see how it goes from here. All right?

)I HAVE A FEELING I'M GOING TO REGRET THIS.
Get over it.

)SIGH
You sigh.

)INVENTORY

You are carrying:
Red Hair Bow (worn)
Inability to Say Quotes Correctly
Acrobatic Ability
Boy Craziness
Curse to Always Choose Duty Over Love
Desire to Become an Idol Singer
Tone Deafness
No Tea
Exhaustion

)WAKE UP
You don't want to wake up.

)WHY?
Look Exhaustion.

)HEY, I'M THE ONE PLAYING THE GAME HERE. BESIDES, BILES DID THIS JOKE ALREADY.
Well, see if I ever help you again.

)FINE. LOOK EXHAUSTION.
You are completely exhausted because you and your fellow Sailor Senshi have just finished fighting yet another Youma last night. It was a really nasty one, too. Leather-clad, tentacles, very sadistic...actually, it was kinda hentai, too. Since this is a PG-rated game, I'll spare you many of the more NC-17 details.

)ARE YOU SURE I CAN'T HAVE ANY DETAILS?
Yes, I'm quite sure.

)DRAT. I WANT DETAILS!
Don't be ecchi. Besides, we have to continue with the game.

)CAN'T I HAVE A LITTLE BIT OF DETAIL?
No, it's not healthy.

)I BET YOU'RE GAY.
...no, I'm not.

)FINE. CONTINUE TO SLEEP.
You continue to sleep for a while, but now someone is starting to shake you.

)AM I FULLY RESTED YET?
Mostly, but you still feel tired, like you need another hour or so.

)WAKE UP THEN
There is no one named "Then" here.

)WAKE UP
You open your eyes and see a white cat standing over you. Or rather, on you. The white cat is Artemis, your guardian. Though why you have a guardian when you have two living parents and why this particular guardian is a cat, you're not entirely sure. Still, since it's never been brought up before, you don't particularly care about the reasons why.

"Wake up, Mina," he says, smiling cheerily.

)LOOK FOR MINA
You do not see any Mina here.

Artemis looks around the room as well. "What are you looking for?" he asks curiously.

)SAY "ARTEMIS, I AM LOOKING FOR MINA."
Artemis gazes at you in confusion. "You must still be half-asleep," he replies. "You're Mina, silly. Now, get up. Breakfast is ready and your parents are probably waiting for you."

)GET OUT OF BED
You throw off your blankets and get out of bed.

Minako's Room

The room is rather cheerfully decorated with bright, sunny colors. A shelf with various stuffed animals stands at one side of the room. On the other side of the room, there is a medium-sized wooden dresser. Next to it sits a desk that looks as if it has barely been used, while on the other side, a long, full-length mirror rests on the floor. Beside the desk, the window is open and the drapes have been pulled aside, revealing a small songbird, chirping merrily.

Artemis stares at you.
The songbird stops chirping and stares at you.

)SAY "ARTEMIS, WHY ARE YOU STARING AT ME?"
Artemis averts his gaze. "Because you're naked, Mina. The only thing you're wearing is your hair bow."

Artemis is no longer staring at you.
The songbird continues to stare at you.

)TELL SONGBIRD TO STOP STARING AT ME
Do you really think a bird can understand human speech?

)THROW SOMETHING AT SONGBIRD
Throw what?

)THROW NO TEA AT SONGBIRD
You don't throw any tea at the songbird.

)THROW ARTEMIS AT SONGBIRD
Artemis eeps in surprise as he gets thrown out the window at the songbird. He manages to catch ahold of the branch the songbird is on and quickly steadies himself. The songbird becomes nervous as he realizes that there's a cat on the same branch as himself and starts to take off before the white cat can make him his breakfast.

"What did you do THAT for?!?" Artemis yells from his perch on the tree.

)SAY "ARTEMIS, BECAUSE THE SONGBIRD WAS STARING AT ME."
"Well, it wouldn't stare at you if you would put some clothes on."

)OPEN DRESSER
You open the dresser. There are many articles of clothing inside, ranging from your school uniform to normal dresses to fancy, frilly dresses. Your Desire to Become an Idol Singer urges you to wear one of the fancy, frilly dresses.

)IGNORE DESIRE
You ignore the urge.

)PUT ON CLOTHES
Which clothes?

)NORMAL DRESS
This sentence no verb.

)PUT ON NORMAL DRESS
You put on a normal, cream-colored dress.

"Mina, I seem to be stuck in this tree," Artemis says from the tree.

)LOOK TREE
It's an ordinary tree that's sitting about five or so feet from your bedroom window. Artemis is sitting on a branch that's level with your window, staring at you helplessly.

)SAY "ARTEMIS, JUMP."
Artemis looks at you in shock. "Are you kidding? Look how high up this is! I'll break my little kitty neck if I don't make it!"

)LOOK GROUND
You look down from your window. It doesn't seem that far to the ground from where you're at.

)SAVE GAME
Game saved.

)JUMP INTO TREE
You jump from the window and land face-first into the tree. Stunned, you tumble to the ground and break your neck on the hard ground.

You have died.

(RESTART/RESTORE/QUIT?)

)HEY! THAT'S NOT WHAT I MEANT BY JUMPING INTO THE TREE!
Not my fault. I'm only following what you tell me to do. Maybe you should try thinking before you do something stupid.

)BUT, WHAT ABOUT MY ACROBATIC ABILITY?
Not much good when you're stunned.

)RESTORE
Game restored.

)JUMP ONTO TREE
You jump from the window and land on the branch Artemis is standing on. However, the branch isn't able to hold your weight and promptly snaps, dropping both you and Artemis tumbling to the ground. Being a cat, Artemis lands on his feet; however, since you aren't a cat, you end up breaking your neck on the hard ground.

You have died.

(RESTART/RESTORE/QUIT?)

)I WASN'T STUNNED THAT TIME!
True, but you weren't expecting that branch to break, were you?

)WELL, NO.
So, you were surprised. And that's why you broke your neck.

)THAT'S NOT FAIR!
Well, what did you expect, jumping out onto a small tree branch like that?

)RESTORE
Game restored.

)THROW INABILITY TO SAY QUOTES CORRECTLY AT ARTEMIS
Your Inability to Say Quotes Correctly beans Artemis right between the eyes, knocking him off the branch. He tumbles to the ground; however, being a cat, he ends up landing on his feet, partially dazed. Your Inability to Say Quotes Correctly lands back in your inventory.

)LOOK DESK
It's a simple wooden desk. On the desk is a small compact, your Sailor Venus henshin wand, a Sailor V fan club membership card, a box of Strawberry Pocky, some tickets to an amusement park, and a coupon for buy one, get one free combo meals at some place called "Mickey D's" that was given to you for free at the shopping plaza yesterday at some kind of promotional something or other.

)TAKE ALL
Small compact: Taken.
Sailor Venus henshin wand: Taken.
Sailor V fan club membership card: Taken.
Box of Strawberry Pocky: Taken.
Amusement park tickets: Taken.
"Mickey D's" coupon: Taken.

)LOOK MIRROR
It is a long, full-length mirror with a slightly decorated brass frame. You look into the mirror and smile. Your Desire to Become an Idol Singer preens itself madly.

)TAKE MIRROR
It's too big to carry with you.

)BREAK MIRROR
Are you sure? Seven years bad luck, you know.

)USE HENSHIN WAND TO SHRINK MIRROR
It's not that kind of wand. Besides, don't compacts normally have small mirrors in them?

)OPEN COMPACT
There's a small powder puff inside, sitting on a pile of compacted blush. On the top half is a small mirror. Your Desire to Become an Idol Singer preens itself again.

)CLOSE COMPACT
You close the compact.

)GO KITCHEN
You cheer for the kitchen.

)GO TO KITCHEN
You head for the kitchen.

Kitchen

It is a normal-looking kitchen. The table is set and food has already been served. It appears to be pancakes with syrup. A carafe of orange juice sits in the middle of the table.

Minako's mother is here.
Minako's father is here.

"Finally!" Minako's mother says as you enter the kitchen. "I was afraid you would never get up. Now hurry up and sit. Your breakfast is getting cold."

)SIT
You sit down.

Your father looks at you strangely. "Your mother meant sit down at the table, Minako. Not the floor."

)STAND
You stand up.

)SIT AT TABLE
You take your seat at the table. Your mother hands you a plate with a couple of pancakes on it.

)TAKE PANCAKES
Taken.

)TAKE SYRUP
Taken.

Your mother looks at you. "So, you're going out with your friends today, Minako-chan? I hope you have fun today. Oh, and while you're out, could you pick something up for us?"

)SAY, "MOM, WHAT IS IT?"
"Oh, it's nothing special. Just a few odds and ends. Everything's already been ordered and paid for. We just need you to pick them up." She hands you a short shopping list.

)INVENTORY

You are carrying:
Red Hair Bow (worn)
Normal Cream-Colored Dress (worn)
Inability to Say Quotes Correctly
Acrobatic Ability
Boy Craziness
Curse to Always Choose Duty Over Love
Desire to Become an Idol Singer
Tone Deafness
No Tea
Exhaustion
Small compact
Sailor Venus henshin wand
Sailor V fan club membership card
Box of Strawberry Pocky
Amusement park tickets
"Mickey D's" coupon
Pancakes
Bottle of Syrup
Shopping List

)LOOK SHOPPING LIST
The following has been written on the list:

Gallon of Haagen Daas ice cream
Rubber gloves
Hello Kitty Swiss Army Knife
Hockey stick
A Pair of Chipmunks
Novelty Groucho Marx Mustache and Glasses
Wonder Woman costume

)WHAT THE CRAP?!?
Yeah, I know what you mean. After all, just think what all this stuff together could be used for.

)SHUDDER
You shudder.

Even worse, it's your parents who're asking you to get this stuff.

)BECOME VIOLENTLY ILL
Not on the keyboard, please.

)EXCUSE MYSELF AND LEAVE
You stand up from the table and quickly leave the kitchen.

Living Room

This is just your average-looking living room with average-looking furniture and an average-looking door which leads to an average-looking patio and outside. The TV is currently on and showing a commercial for a store called "Daisuke's Odds and Ends Emporium," which apparently sells a lot of odds and ends. You could say, he sells a plethora of odds and ends. It's just fortunate that I know what a plethora is, as you would not like to think that a person would tell you he or she has a plethora, and then find out that that person has no idea what it means to have a plethora. At any rate, the commercial ends and the TV starts showing the news.

)WATCH TV
You watch as the anchorwoman describes the Youma battle you were involved in last night, but fortunately enough, doesn't go into very much detail other than you came, you saw, you kicked its ass. After the news ends, the TV starts airing a rerun of The Brady Bunch.

)FLEE IN TERROR
You flee out the front door past a very dazed Artemis.

)CONTINUE FLEEING FROM THE BRADY BUNCH
You continue to flee from The Brady Bunch.

)AM I SAFE YET?
This is The Brady Bunch we're talking about here.

)GOOD POINT. CONTINUE TO FLEE.
You continue to flee until you run out of breath. You determine that you've run far enough to be safe.

)ARE YOU SURE?
Well, we've stretched out this joke far enough at the very least.

)LOOK

Downtown Azabu Juuban

You are in Downtown Azabu Juuban. You are somewhat surprised as you don't live anywhere near Downtown Azabu Juuban, but you ended up here in only a few moments and on foot. You pause to ponder this, reflecting that most cars can't travel quite as fast (well, not legally anyway), and come to the conclusion that since this is only a game, it doesn't really matter and you don't really care.

At any rate, there are several shops, restaurants, and other such businesses lining the streets. To the north, you can see the Juuban shopping center, while to the south lies the way you came.

Obvious exits are: North, South, and Dennis.

)DENNIS?
Oops. Wrong game. Sorry.

)NORTH
You head to the Juuban shopping center. There are many people ambling up and down the shopping center in a zombie-like daze. You start to suspect that their life energy have been drained, but then you remember that everyone eventually ends up this way whenever they come here. Something that has to do with constant exposure to the combination of fluorescent lights, constant walking, carrying lots of shopping bags, and listening to non-stop elevator muzak.

Usagi arrives from the north.
Mamoru arrives from the north.

"Oh, hi, Minako-chan!" Usagi says as she heads over toward you, dragging Mamoru along with her. "What a surprise to see you here! I thought you and the others were going to the amusement park today?"

)SAY "USAGI-CHAN, I HAVE TO PICK UP SOME STUFF FOR MY PARENTS FIRST."
"You do?" Usagi asks as she looks to Mamoru for a moment. "We're on a little shopping date, but if it's all right with Mamo-chan, I don't mind helping out, if you want."

Your Boy Craziness stirs and takes notice of Mamoru.

)SAY, "USAGI-CHAN, I WOULD LIKE SOME HELP."
Usagi smiles. "No problem! After all, I know the sooner you get to the amusement park, the sooner you can start looking for a boyfriend. Right?" she adds with a nudge of her elbow and a wink.

Your Boy Craziness starts staring at Mamoru hungrily.

Usagi notices this and drops a No Crush on Chiba Mamoru in your inventory.

Your Boy Craziness grumbles in frustration and goes back to sleep.

Mamoru notices this and relaxes. "So, what is it that you need to get?" he asks.

)SHOW SHOPPING LIST
You show Usagi and Mamoru your parents' shopping list. They read it for a moment, then shudder.

"I don't want to know what they'd want with all of that stuff, but I know that Daisuke's Odds and Ends Emporium would probably have them," Usagi says. "After all, they have a plethora of odds and ends."

Mamoru looks at Usagi. "Usako, what is a plethora?"

Usagi blinks. "Why, Mamo-chan?"

"Well, you told her that they have a plethora. I just would like to know if you know what a plethora is."

)SAY "MAMORU-SAN, DO YOU KNOW WHERE DAISUKE'S ODDS AND ENDS EMPORIUM IS?"
"Sure," he nods and points north. "Just go down the street a few blocks and you'll be there in no time. You can't miss it."

)THANK MAMORU-SAN AND USAGI-CHAN
"No need to thank us, Minako-chan!" Usagi says cheerily. "Good luck on finding a boyfriend!"

Usagi leaves to the south.
Mamoru leaves to the south.

)NORTH
You head north. In no time, you see this huge multi-story department store-like building with the sign "Daisuke's Odds and Ends Emporium" in large neon letters. Underneath it in smaller neon letters a sign says "For all your Odds and Ends needs."

)GO DAISUKE'S ODDS AND ENDS EMPORIUM
You cheer on Daisuke's store. He thanks you, but doesn't offer you any discounts. He does offer you a complementary roll of duct tape.

)TAKE DUCT TAPE
Taken.

)ENTER DAISUKE'S ODDS AND ENDS EMPORIUM

Daisuke's Odds and Ends Emporium

This shop is quite possibly the largest shop that you have ever seen in your life. Everything and anything you can imagine is here, sorted neatly into "Odds" and "Ends." You look around trying to figure out how they managed to classify everything in existence as either an Odd or an End, but after several minutes, smoke starts coming out of your ears as your brain starts to break down from the incongruity of it all.

)REBOOT BRAIN
You quickly reboot your brain before it locks up. Your ears are no longer emitting smoke.

)SAVE GAME
Game saved.

)LOOK FOR ITEMS ON SHOPPING LIST
You begin to search for the stuff on your parent's shopping list. However, it is very difficult due to the fact that the first fifty aisles are all marked "Odds," and you are not sure which items are "Odds" and which are "Ends."

)CONSULT STORE DIRECTORY
There isn't one.

)CONSULT CLERK
You don't see one.

)CONSULT GOD
Praying won't save you now.

)CURSE
Who do you want to curse?

)CURSE GAME DESIGNER
You attempt to curse the game designer, but he blocks your attempt by setting up an infinite loop in the direction of your curse. The curse loops around and strikes you in the back, sending you flying into a wall and knocking you unconscious.

)WAKE UP
You are unconscious and cannot wake up.

)WAKE UP, NOW!
You try to wake up, but you're still unconscious.

)WAKE UP, PLEASE?
No matter how nicely you beg, you're still unconscious.

)CRY IN UTTER FRUSTRATION
You cry like a little girl.

You are eaten by a grue.

You have died.

(RESTART/RESTORE/QUIT?)

)HEY, WHERE DID THAT GRUE COME FROM?!?
One of the "Ends" aisles.

)...
Aisle 63, in case you're curious.

)...I GUESS THAT STORE DOES HAVE EVERYTHING, DOESN'T IT?
Appears so.

)RESTORE
Game restored.

)FIND STORE DIRECTORY
You can't find one.

)A STORE FULL OF NOTHING BUT ODDS AND ENDS AND THERE'S NO DIRECTORY?
Nope. None at all.

)WHAT KIND OF STORE IS THIS, ANYWAY?
An "Odds and Ends" store. Weren't you paying attention?

)CONSULT CLERK
You don't see one.

)WAIT
Time passes.

A customer service clerk arrives from the south.

"Can I help you with something?" he asks helpfully.

)ASK CLERK FOR ASSISTANCE
"Certainly, Miss. Here at Daisuke's Odds and Ends Emporium, we carry practically any and every Odd and End imaginable!"

He gestures to the aisle markers overhead. "As you can see, we have aisles for Odds; Ends; Odds and Ends; Ends and Odds; Odds, Odds, and Ends; Ends, Ends, and Odds; Odds, Ends, and Odds; Ends, Odds, and Ends; Odds, Odds, Ends, Odds, and Ends; Ends, Ends, Ends, Odds, and Ends; Odds, Odds, Odds, Odds, Odds, Odds, Baked Beans, Odds, Odds, Odds, and Ends; and finally, Odd Ends."

)...
Well, you asked.

"So, what are you looking for?" he asks helpfully.

)SHOW CLERK SHOPPING LIST
He takes a look at your parents' shopping list, then shudders. "That's... an interesting list," he finally says after getting himself under control. He then looks at you for a moment. "Your family name wouldn't happen to be Aino, would it?"

)NOD
You nod.

"Ah, of course," he says, nodding in turn. "I thought that list of items looked strangely familiar. I take it you're picking them up for your parents?"

)NOD AGAIN
You nod again.

"Wait there a moment," he says and hurries off. He returns a moment later with some shopping bags. "Here you are! No need to worry about payment. It's already taken care of."

)TAKE BAGS
Taken.

)LOOK BAGS
Why not try using a preposition every now and then? Maybe 'Look IN bags' or 'Look INSIDE bags?' I'm not stupid, you know.

)LOOK BAGS!
They're shopping bags.

)FINE. LOOK INSIDE BAGS.
Are you sure? I mean, you already know what's going to be in them.

)I WANT TO MAKE SURE EVERYTHING'S THERE.
Your funeral.

You look inside the bags. Everything's there.

)AREN'T YOU SUPPOSED TO LIST EVERYTHING?
Do I really have to?

)DO IT!
sigh Fine. Here's your damn list.

The bags contain:

Gallon of Haagen Daas ice cream
Rubber gloves
Hello Kitty Swiss Army Knife
Hockey stick
A Pair of Chipmunks
Novelty Groucho Marx Mustache and Glasses
Wonder Woman costume

Might I remind you that this particular list came from your parents?

)SHUDDER
You shudder.

Hey, you asked for it.

)LEAVE STORE
You leave Daisuke's Odds and Ends Emporium.

)INVENTORY

You are carrying:
Red Hair Bow (worn)
Normal Cream-Colored Dress (worn)
Inability to Say Quotes Correctly
Acrobatic Ability
Boy Craziness
Curse to Always Choose Duty Over Love
Desire to Become an Idol Singer
Tone Deafness
No Tea
Exhaustion
Small compact
Sailor Venus henshin wand
Sailor V fan club membership card
Box of Strawberry Pocky
Amusement park tickets
"Mickey D's" coupon
Pancakes
Bottle of Syrup
Shopping List
No Crush on Chiba Mamoru
Duct Tape
Shopping Bags

The Shopping Bags contain:
Stuff You Are Better Off Not Knowing

)SOUTH
You head south, back to the Juuban Shopping Center.

Rei arrives from the south.
Makoto arrives from the south.
Ami arrives from the south.
Ryoku arrives from the south.

Makoto waves to you as the four approach. "There you are, Minako-chan! We've been looking for you!"

)WAIT. I RECOGNIZE REI, MAKOTO, AND AMI, BUT I DON'T REMEMBER ANY CHARACTER NAMED RYOKU IN SAILOR MOON.
Didn't you know? This is a YUROANET game. Of course, he would be in it, too. The game designer always puts him in his Sailor Moon games. Just play along and don't worry about it.

)THAT SEEMS A LITTLE PRESUMPTUOUS OF THE GAME DESIGNER.
You could always go play something else.

)I'VE ALREADY COME THIS FAR, SO I MIGHT AS WELL.
Your call.

"You've got the amusement park tickets, right?" Ryoku asks.

Your Boy Craziness slowly starts to stir and takes notice of Ryoku.

)LOOK RYO... I MEAN, LOOK AT RYOKU.
He is a tall, brown-haired boy about the same height as Makoto, his younger sister. He's also got gray eyes and has his hair in a ponytail at the back of his neck. In terms of Bishounen Levels, he's lower than Mamoru, but higher than Umino.

)WHO ISN'T?
True, but I was referring to Umino without his glasses.

)OH. WELL, THAT'S DIFFERENT, THEN.
Do you mind if I continue?

)PLEASE DO.
Well, before I was interrupted...

You also know him as your fellow Sailor Senshi, Sailor Knight. Furthermore, he is also Ami's boyfriend; or rather, so they claim.

)SO THEY CLAIM?
Well, you don't recall them ever doing anything remotely boyfriend/girlfriend-ish, like kissing or the like. They have study dates, but that's about the extent of it, as far as you know.

)SO, HE'S FAIR GAME?
Only if you don't mind stealing him from Ami.

)BUT, I COULD IF I WANTED TO.
Yes, and you could also go strangle little puppies, drown kittens in the river, and punch babies in the face.

)HEY, IT WAS JUST A THOUGHT!
Right.

Your Boy Craziness starts staring at Ryoku hungrily.

Ami notices this and just looks at you.

)JUST LOOKS AT ME? THAT'S IT?
Well, you notice that it's one of those kinds of looks that your mom gives you when you're doing something that you know you're not supposed to do. You know, the kind that makes you feel really guilty.

)DO I FEEL GUILTY?
Well, I guess that's kinda your call.

)TELL BOY CRAZINESS TO HEEL
Your Boy Craziness stops and looks at you questioningly.

)TELL BOY CRAZINESS TO SIT
It sits and looks at you expectantly.

)GIVE EXHAUSTION TO BOY CRAZINESS
Given. Your Boy Craziness blinks and goes to sleep.

"Minako-chan, you do have the amusement park tickets, don't you?" Ryoku asks again.

)SAY "RYO-KUN, YES, I HAVE THE TICKETS."
"Good. Then, shall we get going?"

)GO AMUSEMENT PARK
I'm not doing this joke again.

)GO TO AMUSEMENT PARK
You can't see the amusement park from here.

)LOOK HARDER
No matter how hard you try, you still can't see the amusement park from here.

)CLIMB ON SOMETHING
Climb on what?

)CLIMB ON REI
You attempt to climb on Rei's shoulders in order to get a better look.

"Hey, what are you doing, you idiot?" Rei exclaims as you try to climb on her.

)SAY "REI-CHAN, I'M TRYING TO SEE WHERE THE AMUSEMENT PARK IS."
"Well, why don't you take a look at a map?" she suggests.

)SAY "REI-CHAN, I DON'T HAVE A MAP."
"I have one. Now, get off of me and I'll give it to you."

)GET OFF OF REI
You stop trying to climb on Rei's shoulders.

"Good," Rei says as she straightens her blouse. "Now, here you go."

Rei hands you a map.

)TAKE MAP
Taken.

)LOOK AT MAP
It's folded up.

)OPEN MAP
You open up the map.

)LOOK AT MAP
You attempt to find the amusement park on the map, but you're having trouble reading it as it seems to be written in some odd language.

)TRANSLATE MAP
You can't translate it.

)THIS IS SUPPOSED TO BE A MAP OF TOKYO?
Well, you can recognize some points of interest. For instance, you can recognize the area you live in somewhere to the north of the shopping center.

)WAIT. NORTH?
Yes, north.

)ISN'T MY HOUSE TO THE SOUTH OF HERE?
That would be telling.

)TURN MAP RIGHT-SIDE UP
You flip the map around. You can read it easily now.

)FIND AMUSEMENT PARK
You find that the amusement park is only a few minutes away to the north and west.

)SAVE GAME
Game saved.

)NORTH
You head north.

Rei arrives from the south.
Makoto arrives from the south.
Ami arrives from the south.
Ryoku arrives from the south.

)NORTH
You head north.

Rei arrives from the south.
Makoto arrives from the south.
Ami arrives from the south.
Ryoku arrives from the south.

You start to feel strange.

)NORTH
You head north.

Rei arrives from the south.
Makoto arrives from the south.
Ami arrives from the south.
Ryoku arrives from the south.

)NORTH
You head north.

Rei arrives from the south.
Makoto arrives from the south.
Ami arrives from the south.
Ryoku arrives from the south.

You start to feel even more strange.

)NORTH
You head north.

Rei arrives from the south.
Makoto arrives from the south.
Ami arrives from the south.
Ryoku arrives from the south.

)NORTH
You head north.

Rei arrives from the south.
Makoto arrives from the south.
Ami arrives from the south.
Ryoku arrives from the south.

You suddenly collapse.

)GET UP
You try to get up, but you feel too weak to stand.

)HEALTH
You are starving. You feel as though you haven't eaten anything all day.

)EAT PANCAKES
You feel too weak to even eat pancakes.

)ASK FOR HELP
You begin to ask your friends for help, but you black out before you manage to get the first word out.

)RESTORE
Game restored.

)NORTH
You head north.

Rei arrives from the south.
Makoto arrives from the south.
Ami arrives from the south.
Ryoku arrives from the south.

)NORTH
You head north.

Rei arrives from the south.
Makoto arrives from the south.
Ami arrives from the south.
Ryoku arrives from the south.
You start to feel strange.

)HEALTH
You feel really hungry, as if you haven't eaten anything all day.

)EAT PANCAKES
You eat the pancakes. However, they are cold and have dried out some since you first got them.

You start to choke.

)DRINK SOMETHING
Drink what?

)DRINK WATER
What water?

)DRINK NO TEA
You don't drink any tea.

)DRINK SYRUP
This isn't Super Troopers.

)PERFORM HEIMLICH ON MYSELF
You attempt to perform the Heimlich Maneuver on yourself, but you can't seem to do it right.

Ami looks at you worriedly. "Are you choking, Minako-chan?"

)SAY "AMI-CHAN, I AM CHOKING."
You can't speak while choking.

)NOD FRANTICALLY
You nod your head frantically as you start to black out.

You think you hear Ami saying something, but you're already falling unconscious.

)WAIT FOR AMI TO PERFORM CPR
You wait for Ami to perform CPR. However, while you are waiting, you are eaten by a grue.

You have died.

(RESTART/RESTORE/QUIT?)

)HOW DID I GET EATEN BY A GRUE WHEN THERE WERE FOUR SAILOR SENSHI NEARBY?
It was wearing a Wonder Woman costume and Groucho Marx glasses, so they didn't recognize it as a grue.

)WHERE DID IT GET A...? WAIT. NEVER MIND. I DON'T WANT TO KNOW.
A wise decision.

)I'M GETTING THE FEELING THAT THIS GAME IS PLAYING UNFAIRLY.
You're just being paranoid. Now, would you like to hear your final score?

)FEH. I'M NOT GIVING YOU THE SATISFACTION. RESTORE.
Game restored.

)USE SYRUP ON PANCAKES
You pour some syrup on the pancakes.

)EAT PANCAKES
You eat the pancakes. They're cold, but somewhat tolerable.

)NORTH
You head north.

Rei arrives from the south.
Makoto arrives from the south.
Ami arrives from the south.
Ryoku arrives from the south.

)NORTH
You head north.

Rei arrives from the south.
Makoto arrives from the south.
Ami arrives from the south.
Ryoku arrives from the south.

)NORTH
You head north.

Rei arrives from the south.
Makoto arrives from the south.
Ami arrives from the south.
Ryoku arrives from the south.

)NORTH
You head north.

Rei arrives from the south.
Makoto arrives from the south.
Ami arrives from the south.
Ryoku arrives from the south.

)NORTH
You head north.

Rei arrives from the south.
Makoto arrives from the south.
Ami arrives from the south.
Ryoku arrives from the south.

)NORTH
You head north.

Rei arrives from the south.
Makoto arrives from the south.
Ami arrives from the south.
Ryoku arrives from the south.

)NORTH
You head north.

Rei arrives from the south.
Makoto arrives from the south.
Ami arrives from the south.
Ryoku arrives from the south.

)NORTH
You head north.

Rei arrives from the south.
Makoto arrives from the south.
Ami arrives from the south.
Ryoku arrives from the south.

)NOR... WAIT. THIS IS SUSPICIOUSLY STARTING TO LOOK LIKE AN INFINITE LOOP.
Don't look at me. I'm just the parser; I didn't design this game.

)LOOK
You are on a roundabout. There are exits to the south, north, and west.

)WEST
You head north.

Rei arrives from the south.
Makoto arrives from the south.
Ami arrives from the south.
Ryoku arrives from the south.

)I SAID WEST! WEST!!! NOT NORTH!!!
Oops. Sorry. Let's try that again.

You head west.

Rei arrives from the east.
Makoto arrives from the east.
Ami arrives from the east.
Ryoku arrives from the east.

)WEST
You head west.

Rei arrives from the east.
Makoto arrives from the east.
Ami arrives from the east.
Ryoku arrives from the east.

)LOOK

In Front of Tokyo Dis!!!land

You're standing in front of the entrance to Tokyo Dis!!!land. It's a huge theme park with many rides and attractions, but what stands out the most is a huge Western-looking castle that's easily seen in the distance.

)WHAT'S WITH THE THREE EXCLAMATION POINTS?
What three exclamation points?

)THE ONES IN THE NAME OF THE THEME PARK.
They're part of the park's name. They're also there because FanFiction (dot) net likes to unnecessarily strip off things for little to no reason. Like three asterisks in a row, for example. You know, things that would make more sense if they were left alone.

But, I digress. What about them?

)I THOUGHT IT WAS CALLED TOKYO DISN(CENSORED)?
No, you're thinking of another theme park whose name we're not authorized to use. This theme park is called Tokyo Dis!!!land.

)...I SEE.
Good. We'd hate to have to deal with someone trying to sue us.

)ENTER THEME PARK
You attempt to enter the theme park, but are stopped at the gate by a security guard.

)SHOW TICKETS TO GUARD
You show the amusement park tickets to the guard, who looks at them, then at you and your group. He nods, takes the tickets, rips off the stubs, then hands the stubs back along with a park map.

)TAKE TICKET STUBS
Taken.

)TAKE PARK MAP
Taken.

The guard steps aside.

)ENTER THEME PARK
You enter the theme park.

Inside Tokyo Dis!!!land

You are inside one of the most popular amusement parks in Tokyo. There are many rides and attractions and such. It's very crowded and already you can see many attractive guys here and there. Your Boy Craziness is completely awake and slightly drooling.

Rei arrives from the entrance.
Makoto arrives from the entrance.
Ami arrives from the entrance.
Ryoku arrives from the entrance.

"So, where to first?" Makoto asks as Ryoku and Ami wander off to the west.

)LOOK AT MAP
Which map?

)PARK MAP
This sentence no verb.

)LOOK AT PARK MAP
You glance at the park map. There are a lot of attractions with a complete list of all of them conveniently placed on the side. According to the map, you're currently in the area known as To!!!!!!land, and the markers indicate that there are three attractions near you: Sp!!! Moun!!!n, St!! To!!s, and Mi!!!Ad!!!!!re!. Oh, and there's a gift shop nearby, too.

)OKAY, I THINK WE'RE REALLY PUSHING IT, NOW.
True. So, think we should just stick with generic stuff?

)SOUNDS GOOD TO ME. SHOULD I LOOK AT THE PARK MAP AGAIN?
Nah, we might as well just push on ahead.

)FINE. NORTH.
You go north into a different area of the theme park.

Different Area of Tokyo Dis!!!land

You're in a completely different area of the theme park with completely different attractions that have no relation at all to any actual theme park that may or may not actually exist.

Rei arrives from the south.
Makoto arrives from the south.

"Hey, those look like fun!" Makoto exclaims, pointing toward a huge rollercoaster that looked like it was built around a mountain. "I'm going on that! Come on!"

She reaches out to grab your hand.

)SAVE GAME
Game saved.

)LOOK ROLLERCOASTER
From the sheer size of the thing and the number of twist and turns it has, you realize that riding that thing is most certainly not within your best interests.

)ARE YOU KIDDING? IT SOUNDS LIKE FUN!
Might I remind you that you are not carrying a Death Wish in your current inventory.

)LOOK, I FIGHT YOUMA AND THE LIKE ALL THE TIME. HOW SCARY CAN ONE MEASELY LITTLE ROLLERCOASTER BE?
You'd be surprised.

)WIMP.
All right. You want to ride the damn thing? Fine!

Makoto grabs your hand and drags you in line while Rei elects to stay behind.

)WAIT
Time passes. You draw closer to the front of the line.

)WAIT
Time passes. You draw closer to the front of the line.

)WAIT
Time passes. You draw closer to the front of the line.

)WAIT
Time passes. You are now the next person in line.

)WAIT
Time passes. The ride stops in front of you and the doors open.

"Let's go!" Makoto crows as you both get in.

The doors close and the ride begins.

)SIT BACK AND RELAX
You begin to relax, but the moment you start to enjoy yourself, the ride reaches the crest of the first drop, and rapidly starts plummeting.

Your heart rate is speeding up rapidly.

)AM I SCARED?
Who wouldn't be?

The ride is picking up speed and is now going through several dark tunnels, adding to the experience. Beside you, Makoto is grinning as she shouts in enjoyment while raising her hands in the air at every turn and drop.

Your heart rate is speeding up rapidly.

)HEALTH
You are absolutely terrified and your heart rate has sped up immensely. You feel like throwing up.

)USE DUCT TAPE ON MY MOUTH TO PREVENT BECOMING VIOLENTLY ILL
You put a long piece of duct tape over your mouth. Hopefully, you won't vomit and choke on it later.

)EW. GROSS.
I agree.

)REGRET MY ACTIONS
You regret putting duct tape over your mouth. You also regret ever getting on this ride. Not only that, but you are also beginning to regret ever being born.

)PRAY FOR MY SOUL
You pray. And I offer you my condolences.

)TAKE CONDOLENCES
Is this really the time to be taking things?

)IF IT'LL MAKE ME FEEL ANY BETTER...
Well, it won't, but... Taken.

Your heart rate has sped up beyond what your body can handle. Your heart explodes.

You have died.

(RESTART/RESTORE/QUIT?)

)WELL, AT LEAST I WASN'T EATEN BY A GRUE.
And your body gets eaten by a grue who was riding in the car behind you.

)...
What?

)THEY LET ANYONE INTO THESE PLACES, DON'T THEY?
They don't like to practice discrimination. Things like that get people sued.

)EVEN BY GRUES?
As long as the lawyers get paid, they'll represent just about anyone nowadays.

)YOU KNOW, THIS GAME IS STARTING TO BECOME VERY SILLY.
I hadn't noticed.

)RESTORE
Game restored.

)SAY "MAKO-CHAN, I DON'T WANT TO GO ON THAT RIDE."
"Oh, don't be such a wimp," Makoto laughs as she grabs your hand and drags you in line.

)SAY "MAKO-CHAN, I REALLY DON'T WANT TO GO ON THAT RIDE."
"Well, I'm certainly not going on it by myself," Makoto retorts.

)EXIT LINE
Makoto blocks your path.

You draw closer to the front of the line.

)LEAVE LINE
Makoto still blocks your path.

You draw closer to the front of the line.

)GET OUT OF LINE
You start saying some particularly mean things to Makoto in an attempt to distract her from blocking your path, most of it completely out of line. Makoto gets extremely angry and starts to throttle you. However, she forgets her strength and shakes you way too hard, snapping your neck.

You have died.

(RESTART/RESTORE/QUIT?)

)THAT'S NOT WHAT I MEANT BY GETTING OUT OF LINE!
Well, you're not in line anymore, are you?

)...I HATE YOU.
Feeling's mutual, pal.

)RESTORE
Game restored.

)SWITCH PLACES WITH REI
You quickly switch places with Rei, causing Makoto to grab onto Rei's arm instead. Makoto merely shrugs and drags Rei in line with her.

)WAVE BYE-BYE
You wave as Makoto keeps Rei from leaving the line. She glares at you and swears to get even with you for this someday.

)START LOOKING FOR A BOYFRIEND
You wander through the theme park, looking for any cute guys. Preferably, ones that are available. After several minutes, you come across one such person sitting on one of the many benches lining the park's many paths.

)INVENTORY

You are carrying:
Red Hair Bow (worn)
Normal Cream-Colored Dress (worn)
Inability to Say Quotes Correctly
Acrobatic Ability
Boy Craziness
Curse to Always Choose Duty Over Love
Desire to Become an Idol Singer
Tone Deafness
No Tea
Small compact
Sailor Venus henshin wand
Sailor V fan club membership card
Box of Strawberry Pocky
Amusement park ticket stubs
"Mickey D's" coupon
Partially Empty Bottle of Syrup
Shopping List
No Crush on Chiba Mamoru
Duct Tape
Shopping Bags
City Map
Theme Park Map

The Shopping Bags contain:
Stuff You Are Better Off Not Knowing

)LOOK AT CUTE BOY
He seems about your age with short brown hair and green eyes. He notices you looking at him and grins as he waves you over.

)SIT NEXT TO CUTE BOY
You sit down next to the boy.

"Hi," he says. "My name's Kamishiro Hayao. What's your name?"

)SAY "KAMISHIRO-SAN, MY NAME IS AINO MINAKO."
"Aino Minako-san, hmm?" he says, looking at you curiously for a moment. "That name sounds familiar. Tell me, you wouldn't happen to be a member of the Sailor V fan club, would you?"

)SHOW BOY SAILOR V FAN CLUB MEMBERSHIP CARD
"Ah!" he exclaims. "Now I remember you! You were the one that came in first place at the Sailor V look-alike contest three months ago! My little sister came in seventeenth place because of you!"

)BLINK IN CONFUSION
You blink, not quite understanding what the point of all this is.

He leaps to his feet and points at your compact. "That one-of-a-kind replica of Sailor V's transformation compact was supposed to go to my little sister, who wanted nothing else but to have this one memento of her hero, Sailor V!"

)SAY "KAMISHIRO-SAN, BUT YOUR SISTER CAME IN SEVENTEENTH PLACE."
"That doesn't matter!"

)STAND AND LEAVE
With a shrug, you stand up to leave, but he grabs your arm. "Hey, you aren't leaving until I get my hands on that compact."

)CALL FOR HELP
Who're you going call?

)GHOSTBUSTERS?
That was incredibly lame, you know.

)HAD TO BE DONE.
I should have you killed just on general principle.

)CALL FOR SECURITY
The nearest guard is too far away to be of any help.

)JUST KICK HIS ASS AND BE DONE WITH IT
You start singing long enough for him to quickly cover his ears due to your Tone Deafness and drop his guard. Once he is vulnerable, you let loose with a kick to his groin, dropping him to the ground.

)OUCH.
Indeed.

)GO LOOK FOR ANOTHER CUTE GUY
You go wandering off looking for another cute (and available) guy in your eternal search for a boyfriend.

)ETERNAL?
I call 'em as I see 'em.

Your search takes you hither and yon throughout the park. You go on a few rides, so as not to waste the fact that you're at a theme park, but your search isn't going very well, partly due to the fact that most of the cute guys already have dates, but mostly due to the fact that you kicked that last guy in the crotch.

)BUT, HE WAS GOING TO ATTACK ME!
They don't know that. They do know you kicked him in the crotch.

)SIGH
You sigh.

)KEEP SEARCHING
You keep searching for a decent boyfriend candidate, but your search is turning out to be another waste of time. Furthermore, it's getting close to closing time and your friends are heading back toward the entrance of the theme park.

)LEAVE THEME PARK
You leave the theme park.

In Front of Tokyo Dis!!!land

You're standing in front of the entrance to Tokyo Dis!!!land. It's a huge theme park with many rides and attractions, but what stands out the most is a huge Western-looking castle that's easily seen in the distance. You can see people leaving the theme park in large groups.

Rei is here.
Makoto is here.
Ami is here.
Ryoku is here.

"That was fun!" Makoto says happily, while Rei looks somewhat ill. "So, how went your hunt for a boyfriend?" she asks as Ami checks on Rei.

)SAY "MAKO-CHAN, IT WENT TERRIBLY."
"That's too bad," she says consolingly. "We're all going to Mickey D's for dinner. Do you want to join us?"

)NOD AND SHOW HER COUPON
"Ah, I see you have a coupon for Mickey D's." She nods. "Good, good. Well, lead the way, then."

)GO MICKEY D'S
Prepositions. Can you USE them?

)GO TO MICKEY D'S
You head down the street to the nearest Mickey D's. You don't have far to go before you find one. After all, they seem to be almost everywhere nowadays. I mean, you can't go five blocks without running into one. It's almost as bad as that one coffee place where you run into one every two blocks. At least Mickey D's hasn't opened one across the street from another Mickey D's.

Yet.

Rei arrives from down the street.
Makoto arrives from down the street.
Ami arrives from down the street.
Ryoku arrives from down the street.

)ENTER MICKEY D'S
You go inside the burger joint. There are several people inside, eating. There are a few people standing in line, waiting to order.

Rei enters.
Makoto enters.
Ami enters.
Ryoku enters.

)ASK FOR ORDERS
"I want a Number 2, medium," Rei says.
"Get me a Number 6, large," Makoto adds.
"Can you get me a Number 7, medium," Ami asks.
"Just get me the same thing you're getting," Ryoku requests, gesturing at the coupon in your hand.

)STAND IN LINE
You go to stand in line.

)WAIT
Time passes. Fortunately, the line is short, so you are now next.

"Welcome to Mickey D's. Can I take your order?" the person behind the register asks.

)LOOK
You see a menu overhead above the cashier.

)READ MENU
You read the menu. It says:

#1: Hamburger
#2: Cheeseburger
#3: Double Hamburger
#4: Double Cheeseburger
#5: Triple Hamburger
#6: Triple Cheeseburger
#7: Chicken Burger
#8: Fish Burger
#9: Spam Burger
#10: Salad Burger
#11: Soylent Green Burger
#12: Kiddy Burger
#13: Random Burger

Each combo meal comes with medium fries and a medium drink.

Large size: add 25¥.
Really Large size: add 50¥.
Really Really Large size: add 75¥.
Really Really Really Large size: add 100¥.
Really Really Really Really Large size: Let's not get ridiculous, folks.

)BLINK
You blink.

)GIVE CASHIER EVERYONE'S ORDERS
"Okay, that's a 2 medium, 6 large, and a 7 medium," the cashier says. "Anything else?"

)POINT TO MENU AND ASK FOR A MICKEY D'S BURGER FUN PACK
That doesn't exist on the menu.

)DO IT ANYWAY.
Are we so desperate for gags that we're borrowing someone else's shtick?

)WHAT DO YOU THINK FANFICTION IS? BESIDES, ISN'T THE IDEA FOR THIS ENTIRE GAME BASED OFF SOMEONE ELSE'S SIMILAR WORK?
Touché.

)POINT TO MENU AND ASK FOR A MICKEY D'S BURGER FUN PACK
You point to the menu and, with a straight face, order a Mickey D's Burger Fun Pack. The cashier looks blankly at you, then at the menu, then at the register. Behind you, you can hear the others snickering quietly to themselves.

"I don't think we have that anymore," he finally replies.

)SHOW COUPON AND ASK FOR TWO ORDERS OF #5 LARGE
You present the coupon and order two of #5, large.

"All right, that'll be 2,089¥, please."

)PAY CASHIER
With what money?

)I DON'T HAVE ANY MONEY?
I don't see any purse or wallet in your inventory. Maybe you should've thought of that before you left the house.

)ASK RYOKU TO PAY FOR FOOD
"Forgot your purse, Minako-chan?" he sighs. "I guess I'll take care of it, then." He takes out his wallet and pays the cashier.

The cashier takes the money and hands you a receipt and your food.

)TAKE FOOD
Taken.

)TAKE RECEIPT
Do you really need a fast food receipt?

)TAKE IT!
sigh Fine. Taken.

)SIT AT EMPTY TABLE
You find an empty table and sit down. Your friends follow suit.

)GIVE FRIENDS THEIR FOOD
Given.

)INVENTORY

You are carrying:
Red Hair Bow (worn)
Normal Cream-Colored Dress (worn)
Inability to Say Quotes Correctly
Acrobatic Ability
Boy Craziness
Curse to Always Choose Duty Over Love
Desire to Become an Idol Singer
Tone Deafness
No Tea
Replica of Sailor V's transformation compact
Sailor Venus henshin wand
Sailor V fan club membership card
Box of Strawberry Pocky
Amusement park ticket stubs
Partially Empty Bottle of Syrup
Shopping List
No Crush on Chiba Mamoru
Duct Tape
Shopping Bags
City Map
Theme Park Map
Mickey D's Combo #5
Mickey D's Receipt

The Shopping Bags contain:
Stuff You Are Better Off Not Knowing

)EAT COMBO #6
"Hey!" Makoto exclaims as you eat some of her fries. In return, she grabs some of yours.

)EAT COMBO #5
Which one?

)MINE
This joke too old.

)EAT MY COMBO #5
You eat your food. It's kinda greasy and a little heavy, but it's not bad.

)LOOK
You are sitting at a table in Mickey D's. Your friends are sitting around the table, eating their food and talking amongst themselves. You notice a few cute guys sitting at tables around you, but most of them are already with someone. You notice a cute guy sitting by himself, eating a Spam Burger.

Your Boy Craziness gets a predatory gleam in its metaphorical eye.

Across the table from you, Makoto's Boy Craziness also notices the same boy and gets a similar predatory gleam in its metaphorical eye.

)SAY "MAKO-CHAN, MINE!"
"I saw him first," Makoto challenges.

)OFFER TO FLIP A COIN
"But you don't have a coin," Makoto points out. "How about we arm wrestle for it?"

)PROPOSE A KARAOKE CONTEST
"NO!" Makoto, your other friends, and surprisingly, everyone else in the room exclaims.

)PROPOSE A GAME OF JANKEN
"All right, then!" Makoto says, rubbing her hands eagerly. "Don't be sore when you lose. Ready?"

)THROW SCISSORS
You don't have any scissors.

)NO, YOU IDIOT! I MEANT POINT MY FIRST TWO FINGERS IN A 'V' SHAPE!
Oh, that's what you meant.

You throw scissors. Makoto throws scissors. Draw.

)THROW PAPER
You ball up the wrapper your burger came in and throw it at Makoto. She looks at you in annoyance.

)ARE YOU DOING THIS ON PURPOSE?
Sorry.

You throw paper. Makoto throws rock. You win.

"Best of three!" Makoto says hurriedly.

)THROW PAPER. AND NOT THE DAMN WRAPPER!!
You throw paper. Makoto throws paper. Draw.

)THROW ROCK
You don't-

)IF YOU SAY "YOU DON'T HAVE A ROCK," YOU ARE GETTING DELETED, RIGHT HERE AND NOW.
...

You throw rock. Makoto throws scissors. You win.

"Gah! Best of five!!!"

)SIGH
You sigh.

)SAY "MAKO-CHAN, NO MORE CHANCES AFTER THIS."
"Fine! Just don't cry to me when you lose!"

Makoto gets fired up.

)SHOULD I BE WORRIED ABOUT THIS?
Don't look at me. I lost interest about fifteen minutes ago.

)THROW SCISSORS
You throw scissors. Makoto throws rock. You lose.

)THROW ROCK
You throw rock. Makoto throws paper. You lose.

)THROW ROCK
You throw rock. Makoto throws paper. You lose.

"Haha! I win!!!" Makoto crows.

)BOGGLE
You boggle. Understandably so.

"Um, about that guy you two were arguing over," Ami interrupts. "He left a few moments ago."

)SIGH
You sigh. So does Makoto.

You suddenly hear a scream from outside.

)STAND AND LEAVE
You quickly stand up and rush out of Mickey D's with the rest of your friends. Down the street, you can see the cute guy you and Makoto were arguing over, lying unconscious on the ground. Next to him, some kind of feminine-looking monster looms over him, cackling madly.

)OH, CRAP.
Eloquently said.

)SAVE GAME
Game saved.

)LOOK FOR OTHER PEOPLE
Seeing that there's a monster that steals people's energy roaming the street, there is no one around except for you and your friends. And the body of that cute guy.

)SAY "EVERYONE, TRANSFORM!"
"Right!" everyone replies and reaches for their transformation items.

)TRANSFORM INTO SAILOR VENUS
Nothing happens.

)WHAT? WHY?
What? You think you transform, just like that? Procedures, man! Procedures!

)GIVE ME A BREAK.
I have no breaks to give you.

)RAISE HENSHIN WAND OVER HEAD
Done.

)SAY "VENUS POWER, MAKE UP!"
Nothing happens.

The monster takes notice and starts to rush you.

)WHAT NOW?!?
Wrong phrase.

)WELL, WHICH ONE'S THE RIGHT ONE?
Consult your user's manual.

)WHAT PHRASE DID THE OTHERS USE?
You were too busy trying to transform to listen.

The others have transformed and are now fighting the monster.

)OKAY, THEN. WHAT KIND OF MONSTER IS IT?
You don't know.

)I DON'T KNOW?
You don't exactly have a Monster Compendium on you.

)I MEAN, IS IT A YOUMA? A CARDIAN? A DROID? A LEMURE?
A monster by any other name...

The monster is almost upon you.

)OH, HELL. SAY "VENUS STAR POWER, MAKE UP!"
You start to say the words, but the monster slams into you, knocking the wand out of your hand. It stands over you, gloating as you begin to fall unconscious. The monster then begins to suck all the life energy out of you until you're nothing but a pile of Senshi powder.

A grue sweeps up your powder, dumps it into a glass of milk, stirs, and drinks you.

You have died.

(RESTART/RESTORE/QUIT?)

)I AM NOT SENSHI QUIK!
Hey, don't complain. You know how hard it is to come up with new and funny ways of killing you off?

)I'D RATHER YOU NOT KILL ME OFF AT ALL.
Tough. It's part of the game. Deal with it.

)RESTORE
Game restored.

)SAY "EVERYONE, TRANSFORM!"
"Right!" everyone replies and reaches for their transformation items.

)RAISE HENSHIN WAND OVER HEAD
Done.

)SAY "VENUS STAR POWER, MAKE UP!"
Nothing happens.

The monster takes notice and starts to rush you.

)THERE ARE WAY TOO MANY TRANSFORMATION ITEMS AND PHRASES IN THIS SERIES.
Don't blame me. Blame Takeuchi-sensei.

)SAY "VENUS PLANET POWER, MAKE UP!"
You are suddenly infused with a rush of power as you are transformed into Sailor Venus. Or rather, Super Sailor Venus.

)DODGE MONSTER
You leap into the air right before the monster can ram into you. You land a short distance away behind the monster.

)POINT AT MONSTER AND SAY "CRESCENT BEAM!"
You fire a Crescent Beam at the monster. At the same time, everyone else is firing their attacks at the monster. Some miss, but your attack hits, knocking the monster off-balance. It doesn't look like it took much damage from your attack.

)FIRE ANOTHER CRESCENT BEAM
You fire another Crescent Beam, but the monster easily dodges it. In fact, it's easily dodging most of your attacks. Jupiter and Knight are going in close for hand-to-hand, while Mars continues to snipe away at it. Mercury is trying to analyze the monster and contact Usagi.

)TRY TO TRIP UP THE MONSTER
How do you intend to do that?

)SAY "VENUS LOVE-ME CHAIN!" AND USE CHAIN TO BIND THE MONSTER'S FEET
You summon your Venus Love-Me Chain and try to use it as a whip, but the monster is way too fast. The chain misses.

"Everyone, the monster is very easily distracted by sweets!" Mercury shouts as she squeezes one of her earrings, causing her visor to vanish.

)OFFER THE MONSTER SOME POCKY
You offer the monster some of your strawberry pocky. "Strawberry! My favorite!" it exclaims as it grabs the box from you and starts inhaling them at a rate that would impress Usagi.

)SAY "VENUS LOVE-ME CHAIN!" AND USE CHAIN TO BIND THE MONSTER'S FEET
You summon your Venus Love-Me Chain and try to use it as a whip. Since the monster is distracted by the pocky, it fails to notice the chain in time. Its legs are now bound.

)SAY "VENUS LOVE AND BEAUTY SHOCK!" AND ATTACK THE MONSTER
You wind-up and unleash your most powerful, yet inanely named attack toward the monster just as the others complete their own wind-ups.

"Mercury Aqua Rhapsody!"
"Mars Flame Sniper!"
"Jupiter Oak Evolution!"
"Knight Sonic Wave Pulse!"
"Starlight Honeymoon Therapy Kiss!"
"Tuxedo La Smoking Bomber!"

)WAIT. WHEN DID SAILOR MOON AND TUXEDO KAMEN GET HERE? AND SINCE WHEN DID CAPE BOY HAVE AN ATTACK?
They just arrived. And haven't you read the manga? People always seem to leave the poor guy underpowered just because he doesn't wear a skirt and have "Sailor" as part of his name.

Oh, the monster's dead, by the way. Just thought that you'd like to know.

)LOOK FOR OTHER PEOPLE
Hello? High powered attacks being thrown about? You really think there'd be spectators?

)YES.
Well, there aren't any. The street's empty save for six Senshi and one masked man in a tuxedo.

Your Boy Craziness takes notices of the masked man and drools.

)WHAT ABOUT THE NO CRUSH ON CHIBA MAMORU?
What Chiba Mamoru?

Eternal Sailor Moon sighs and drops a No Crush on Tuxedo Kamen in your inventory.

Your Boy Craziness mutters under its breath and goes back to whatever it was doing.

)DETRANSFORM AND CHECK ON CUTE GUY
You drop your transformation and rush over to the side of the cute guy. Makoto does the same and you reach him at the same time. You both check on the guy, who seems to be fine. In fact, he's waking up now.

)SMILE AND ASK IF HE'S ALL RIGHT
"Oh, I'm fine, thank you," he says with a smile. "Could you please help me up?"

)HELP HIM UP
You and Makoto each take a side and help the guy to his feet.

"Keitaro-san!" you hear a girl shout as she runs up to the guy. "Are you all right? I heard that a monster attack was going on here!"

"Saeko-chan!" Keitaro replies as he stumbles his way toward the girl. "I'm all right. The Sailor Senshi saved me," he says, gesturing toward your still transformed friends.

Keitaro and Saeko bow. "Thank you for saving me," he says, echoed by Saeko's thanks. The two then leave, hand in hand.

)SIGH IN DEFEAT
You sigh heavily as yet another cute guy turns out to be spoken for. Beside you, Makoto's sigh matches your own.

The others detransform as well. "Well, I'm ready to call it a night," Rei says as she turns to leave. "I'll see you guys later."

Rei leaves.

"Mamo-chan, walk me home?" Usagi asks as she turns a cute gaze toward him. Mamoru merely smiles as he offers her his arm.

Usagi leaves.
Mamoru leaves.

)SO, WHAT? THE DAY'S OVER ALREADY?
Yep. And it looks like you failed to get a boyfriend. I guess that means you lose.

)NOT SO FAST! I'M NOT READY TO GIVE UP JUST YET!
The day's over. There's nobody here except for some of your fellow Sailor Senshi. Mamoru just left and besides, you have No Crush on Chiba Mamoru, so that option's out anyway. What else can you do?

"I'm heading off, too," Makoto says. "You're probably going to walk Ami-chan home, so I'll see you later, Ryo-chan."

Makoto leaves.

)CALL AMI OVER
"What is it?" she asks as she heads over to where you're standing, slightly intrigued by the conspiratorial look in your eyes.

)SHOW AMI SHOPPING BAGS
You hand Ami the shopping bags. Curious, she looks inside. She quickly looks back up with a furious blush on her face.

Wait. You're not going to do what I think you're going to do, are you?

)YOU'RE DAMNED RIGHT, I AM!
I can't believe you're seriously going to corrupt an innocent girl.

)ANYTHING TO WIN, BABY. BESIDES, YOU KNOW WHAT THEY SAY ABOUT SHY, QUIET GIRLS.
You do know that this is Boyfriend Quest, right? Meaning, you have to get a boyfriend?

)TRUST ME. I KNOW WHAT I'M DOING.
So says the person who has died seven times.

)YOU WERE KEEPING TRACK?
Someone has to.

)EXPLAIN TO AMI THE CONCEPT OF A THREESOME
As you go over some of the more ecchi and very NC-17 details, Ami's blush starts to grow even more intense.

"You mean...," she murmurs quietly as the idea starts to take hold. She glances back toward Ryoku, who's standing off to one side watching them, and glances back to you. "You mean... you, me... and Ryo-kun?"

)SMILE AND SAY "AMI-CHAN, YES. YOU, ME AND RYO-KUN."
Ami blushes again. "Um...," she says and suddenly rushes off toward Ryoku. She speaks quietly with him for a few moments and you can see him stiffen, then stare at both you and Ami in frank disbelief.

After a few moments, he says something to Ami and they both walk over toward you.

"All right," they both say as the three of you head off to Ami's place after mentioning that her mother has the late shift tonight.

)SO? DO I WIN?
Hmm... Well, the programmers never expected this to happen, so I'm not really sure.

)COME ON! I MANAGED TO GET A BOYFRIEND, DIDN'T I?
Someone else's. Not to mention that you got a girlfriend, too. This was completely unforeseen. Like I said before, this is Boyfriend Quest, not Boyfriend and Girlfriend Quest or Threesome Quest.

)IT'S GOTTA COUNT FOR SOMETHING!
Tell you what; I'm getting tired of this game, so how about we just say you win and call it a day, all right?

)SOUNDS GOOD TO ME.
Cool.

You win!

Total score: 143 points out of 175.

Game Over.

(RESTART/RESTORE/QUIT?)

)QUIT

Disclaimer: All original materials belong to their respective owners. Sailor Moon belongs to Naoko Takeuchi and a bunch of big companies. No copyright infringement is intended.

Questions? Comments? Anything?
Email: jasonulloa (at) hotmail (dot) com
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Copyright© 2007 YUROANET, Jason C. Ulloa
All Rights Reserved.

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