So, ah. Welcome to Bad Fanfiction, a Twilight fanfiction parody. I know it's odd to have an A/N before an A/N, but the first original chapter doesn't really say all that needs to be said.
First off, this fic is long. Like really, epically long. At least, it looks like that. But the chapters are really oddly short. But I'm told it's worth the read, and I've had various reports of people snorting whatever their drinking out their nose/laughing out loud in a silent classroom/being looked at oddly by family and friends. If you enjoy any of the above, read on!
But before you begin…
I'm just letting you know that you shouldn't read this if you have a thin skin. I make fun of a lot of pairings in what I consider to be a light-hearted way, and I do vent a bit about the fanfiction world. A lot of the earlier chapter are me being frustrated. So, I apologize. I hope this doesn't throw off any future readers :)
Well, I'm gonna go know, because I'm fairly certain I'm rambling on like a stupid person, and I abhor those people that have incredibly long A/N's. Myself among them.
And here… we… go.
A/N: Like most things I write, this is short and funny. I apologize for the long author's note in advance. I'm writing this for 3 reasons:
1) the fanfic "Why We Shouldn't Meddle" by… someone…(search it under Harry Potter)
2) reviews/pm's I've gotten that a lot of my characters are "very OOC"
3) just need to blow off steam from my busy life!
No flames. And btw, this is more like Really Random then any of my Twilight Fics, This is just basically the clichés that you SHOULDN'T write. Please. For all of us.
Let's see, what else… oh yeah, for more fanfiction writing rules, just see Insanity's Partner's Fanfiction Etiquette.
This isn't a personal attack, btw.
------------At the Cullen House (Bella Pov)---------
"Hello, Bella." Edward was an inch away from my face when he spoke. I tilted my face upward and he kissed me softly. I shivered and leaned against him, kissing him back. We were starting to really get into it when-
"Edward!" Emmett burst into the room obnoxiously. He ignored Edward's glare and shouted, "Did I interrupt anything?"
"Yes," Edward said through his gritted teeth.
Emmett pretended not to notice. Rosalie trailed behind through the doorway, followed by Alice and Jasper. They all sighed tiredly.
"What's wrong?" I asked. They sighed again, and just looked at me.
"Bella, have you noticed anything," Rosalie paused, "different?"
"Well, I don't know, you've been rather nice to me lately…"
"Exactly!" she plopped down on the couch. "And I don't know why!" At this she burst into tears, followed by Jasper, Alice, and Emmett. Edward and I stared at them and burst out laughing.
"Oh, so you think it's funny, eh?" Alice was all up in my face. "How funny do you think it is when you max out all your credit cards in one weekend because you keep compulsively shopping?"
"Um, don't you do that every weekend?" I pointed out nervously.
"But I do it even more now!" she sobbed, then turned to Jasper. "And HE isn't helping! His emotions have been all out of whack lately."
"Well, Edward's been doing the self-pity/self-hatred thing too!" Jasper whined. "And Bella- wow, you're still pretty much the same- but you make out with Edward way too much…" I blushed and turned away.
"Well, what's your problem?" I asked Emmett.
"I'm obnoxious!" he said proudly. Rosalie whacked him over the head. "Ow! Stop it!"
"Emmett, vampires can't feel pain…" I started lecturing him, but was distracted as Esme came through to the living room.
She was dancing around spraying Windex and other cleaning things on everything. Esme was singing the Llama Song. She stopped at the couch and gave me a serious look. She then started babbling on about motherly supportive things, like "Bella, you will be such a wonderful addition to the family" and "if Edward's happy, I'm happy!"
After she was done, Esme turned to Edward and started singing another song. Oh great. I immediately knew the song when she sang the first lines: "If you were gay… that be okay- I mean cause, Hey! I'd like you anyway!"
"Esme! That's not true at all!" he protested. The rest of the family tried not to snicker, and Edward would have blushed if he could. I was already rolling on the floor laughing.
"If you were queer, I'd still be here, year after yeeeeeeeear- cause you are dear to me," she continued. We were all laughing now, and Edward was snarling. Esme finished with a bow just as Carlisle walked in.
"Hey, have you noticed everyone been acting… weird lately?" he asked, trying to ignore the now-dancing Esme.
"Yes!" everyone said at once. We described all our issues and he sighed.
"Uh-oh. We have a case of bad fanfiction," Carlisle said, annoyed.
"Huh?" We were all confused.
"Someone's been combining all the bad character traits of typical Twilight fanfiction- obnoxious Emmett, nice Rosalie, shopaholic Alice, overemotional Jasper, hyper Esme, self-loathing Edward, and horny Bella."
"Hey! Why am I horny?" I growled.
"Because you are…" Carlisle ignored me. "So anyways, this is somehow affecting us. I wonder what's happening to everyone else." HINT HINT! "I think it has a gravitational pull on our world and…"
---------In La Push--------
"Jacob, I've noticed you've been a little… depressed lately," Billy stated carefully.
"Shut up! I hate you! I hate life! I hate everything except Bella!" Jacob stood up from the table and screamed.
"Nope, you're definitely not depressed," Billy said obliviously.
"Shut up! Shut it off!" he yelled, knocking over his chair.
"Jacob, you know I love you…" Billy continued.
"I'm leaving!" he stormed out of the room. Must… go… find… pointy… objects… Cutting is fun!
---------Back with the Cullens---------
"…so, as I was saying, that's why we're all acting weird!" Carlisle finished.
We all just looked at him, confused. "Um, Carlisle, we missed your explanation," Alice said helpfully.
"But I just said it!" he whined.
"We know, but the stupid BEEP fanfiction writer put a Jacob scene over it!" Emmett shouted obnoxiously.
"No swearing!" Esme yelled from the kitchen, where she was dancing on the table.
That was weird. "Anyhoo, to stop this, we need to get out of this fanfiction!" Carlisle concluded.
"But… we can't!" Rosalie said unhelpfully. "This BEEP BEEP hole isn't listening to us, the freak!"
Ominous thunder suddenly boomed overhead. Cloud magically appeared and lightning flashed. "What did you just call me?" a not-so deep voice shouted.
Jasper suddenly looked up at the sky and started freaking out. "God, is that you? Please forgive me! PLEASE!"
"Jasper, stop freaking out, I'm not god!" it said.
"Omigosh! God knows my name!" he squealed to Alice and then fell on his knees again. "OH GOD! I AM NOT WORTHY!" He shook violently and had a spazz attack on the floor.
"Jasper? Jasper?" Alice was now kicking him in the side with her pointy heels. "NOOOOO!" she screamed when he didn't get up.
"The good- or insane- always die young," the voice commented.
"Who are you?" Alice yelled at the sky. "Why Jasper? Why?"
"Yeah, I'm really sorry about that… I'm the fanfiction writer (A/N: yeah, like you didn't see that one coming)," the voice, hereby known as the writer, said. I shuddered.
"I want out of this fanfic!" Carlisle suddenly yelled. "My wife is insane, my son just died, and my future daughter in-law is a slut!" I glared at him. "Sorry, Bella," he added.
"I'm sorry, but I can't do that for you. It would ruin my perfect story!" the writer gloated.
We all snickered at the word "perfect". Haha. What a loser. There was a long awkward pause.
"So are you going to let us out or what?" Rosalie broke the silence.
"Hells no!" the writer smiled wickedly. "I've got big plans…"
Another voice came from above. "Honey, what are you doing, it's 3 a.m.!"
"Oh, okay then." The second voice left.
Meanwhiles, I suddenly turned to Edward and whispered, "Edward, I'm pregnant."
"But that's not possible!" he cried, incredulous.
"I know… but somehow, I'm pregnant," I said solemnly. Edward sat a moment taking this in.
"And," I started, "I have a terminal illness." Edward was now rolling on the floor screaming, "Why us? Why must everything go wrong? Why?"
"Oh yeah," I added, "another strange vampire is stalking me. Again." Everyone starting going hysterically mad. Alice was shaking on the floor having some visions, Carlisle was pounding on the walls, Rosalie was shopping again, Esme was still dancing on the table, Emmett was eating a… taquito? And Jasper still wasn't moving.
"No, Bella," Edward cried. "You're better off without me! I'm leaving!" I started crying as soon as he said that.
"You guys, stop it!" came the whisper from above. "Stop it!" it said louder. We all froze. The writer started sobbing. "All I wanted to do was write a fanfic," it cried, "the best fanfic ever."
Esme finally said something that made sense. "We know, but you broke all the rules of good fanfiction," she consoled.
Carlisle added, "Yeah, what's with making Bella pregnant, ill, and depressed?"
"I dunno," the writer said, "but stories like that get mucho reviews!"
"Just cause it gets reviewed doesn't mean it's good writing," Jasper lectured. Everyone stared at him. "The writer resurrected me," he said in a stage-whisper.
"How do I fix this?" the writer asked.
"Two words," everyone said in unison. "Delete. It."
"I'll think about it," the writer said, and faded.
After a long pause, I asked, "So what do we do know?"
"We wait," Carlisle replied sadly. He was now comforting his wife who was sobbing about bananas and lattes. We all sighed, and waited.
--Back in the real world--
A young girl sat silently at her computer, staring at her recent work. She grappled with her inner turmoil, staring at the keyboard. Her fingers tremble with anxiousness. Her index finger hovered millimeters away from the delete key.
She suddenly looked up, as if someone was watching her. She quickly came to a decision. The girl sat up straight, smiled, and clicked.
The awful fanfiction was forever published.