I give you: a crack/script chapter!
All Growed Up
Smeyer: I'm dumb! I'm dumb! I'm dumb! I'm-
Edward: -pokes cardboard cutout of Smeyer- What…?
Bella: yayme2012 is obviously bitter about having to acknowledge the existence of Breaking Dawn in this chapter.
Edward: Hey youse guys! It's family movie night! What should we watch?
Emmett: An action movie!
Emmett: Mm, I second that.
Esme: Me too.
Carlisle: Wait, what?
Esme: What, mother figures can't watch porn? Is there some kind of law against it? DO YOU HAVE A PROBLEM WITH IT?
Carlisle: Never mind then.
Bella: How about a nice romantic comedy?
All: Fine. We'll watch porn later.
Film: -starts to play and is all lovey-dovey rom-com cheesy-
Jacob: Oh, Nessie. You know I love you, right?
Nessie: SQUEE! My hormones are showing!
-They kiss. Edward, of course, spazzes out-
Edward: Get the hell away from my daughter.
Jacob: Yeah, yeah, whatever.
-The next morning-
Bella: Good morning, Rene— Jacob, what on earth are you doing in her bed?
Jacob: -shrug- I got horny— er, tired.
Nessie: Yeah, Mom, stfu. Stop hating on my bf. I hate u guys.
Bella: I don't hate Jacob. In fact, I used to be in love with him.
Yayme: This family dynamic isn't awkward in the least.
Bella: My point is, I just think it's a little too soon. You're only six years old, for Carlisle's sake!
Nessie: -pouts- But I'm like seventeen in vampire years!
Bella: You, Jacob, leave.
Jacob: Whatever. –stomps away-
Bella: Okay, I'm going to go ahead and be a hypocrite. Renesmee whateverthehellyourmiddlenameis Cullen, seventeen is too young to commit yourself for life! I think you and Jacob should see other people.
Nessie: But he impri—
Bella: No buts, young lady. Do you want to get your iPod full of Evanescence songs taken away?
Nessie: Fine. I pick technology over my one true love.
Bella: Now that's a good girl.
-one week later-
Nessie: This is really starting to get boring. Hey, I know who I should talk to! Aunt Rosie!
Rose: Hi. I'm suddenly here.
Nessie: I like you better than Mommy because you buy me things and support my narcissism.
Rose: Of course, sweetie! You're a special and unique snowflake and no one will EVER be like you because you're so different and wonderful!
Nessie: So I need some advice.
Rose: Always use protection.
Nessie: No, like emotional shit.
Rose: Screw this. Mothering is for old hags like Bella.
Nessie: So, Mom said I can't see Jacob anymore.
Rose: Do I sound like I care?
Nessie: But he's like, dying without me.
Rose: I'm walking away now.
-Rosalie has left the building-
Nessie: I know exactly what I should do now to help me decide. Listen to Evanescence!
Amy Lee: Wake me up inside, wake me up inside, call my name and save me from the dark!
Nessie: It's all so clear now! I should totally go have sex with Jacob.
Nessie: It's the best way to show him I love him. My family has given me such great values.
-She drives to La Push-
Nessie: Jacob, I love you.
Jacob: I take it you couldn't find anyone else to date you.
Nessie: Well, there was this one guy with this huge cat.
Jacob: You would rather have a giant cat than me?
Nessie: No, not really, which is why I'm here. –suddenly strips off clothing-
Nessie: Yeah, basically.
Jacob: So what happens when we forget protection? We have a third human, third vampire, and third werewolf child?
Nessie: Yup, and Smeyer will have material for a fifth book!
Yayme: Oh geez…
So, here is the part where I gush and gush about how much I love everyone.
I knew I had an inordinately large amount of reviews for a parodyfic, but just yesterday I checked the hit counter.
Over 100,000. One. Hundred. Thousand. I jumped. I screamed. I wondered how much of that was actually real people reading this.
And I figure that sometimes life is pretty good. Which is why I'm trying to stop with the bitching and whining, and trying to start hugging people more. And trying to be nicer. And I'd also like to say that whenever I'm typing a smiley, I am quite literally smiling IRL. Grinning from ear to ear that someone got my silly silly ranting and liked it. (And I'm starting to notice that I start entirely too many sentences with conjunctions.)
Which brings me to a piece of bad news.
A chapter of this story was deleted by fanfic admins. The chapter where I announced Obama's epic win and asked for thoughts. And yeah, I can understand why it was deleted (the fact that it was only three words) but now that throws off all the reviews. Argh. So it'll probably not let you comment on this if you reviewed last chapter. Sorry.
It's also making me incredibly paranoid that this entire story will be deleted chapter by chapter because of the simple fact that this fic is both MST and script-format (in some parts) and that might *technically* violate FF dot net's carefully set rules. Because of course they are enforced when millions of people write AIM-fics. Sigh.
Plus, er, the site wouldn't let me post this chapter for a while. I was banned from posting for a week- because of the deletion? Anyhow, I had this chapter ready to go Thursday pm, but nooo, FF made me wait. So are they giving me a slap on the wrist or what? Any advice with this would be appreciated.
Other than that, I should just, you know, be happy for once. Another craptacular update coming possibly by the end of this week.
Oh, and this is your friendly neighborhood writer reminding you to GO SEE WATCHMEN when it comes out this Friday. That is all.