A/N: I know this is a little non-canon, and totally ridiculous, BUT...something about Death Note just makes me want to write trashy romance. Not that this is romantic in the least. It based around volume 4 of the manga, but still very non-canon in terms of time.
As a quick reminder, Mogi, Matsuda and Aizawa are on the Kira investigation team. Sayu is Light's sister, Sachiko is his mother.
L is awesome! Yay!
T t T t T t
It was the day before Valentine's.
For once, Light had something on his mind other than ridding the world of criminals and out-witting L. Though maybe it's wrong to say he was preoccupied by romance. Rather, he was preoccupied with the pretence of romance.
Even Kira wouldn't dare not treat his girl friends on Valentine's Day.
"What's that for?"
Ryuk asked the obvious question. Light didn't bother answer, just packed the pair of crotchless knickers into his shopping basket and continued on.
The shinigami's already bulging eyes bugged even further from his head as inspiration struck. He gave his trademark "hyuk hyuk."
"This is a women's clothing store," he pointed out, drifting along behind Light, "So why's it full of men?"
"Because it's nearly Valentine's Day." Light muttered. He picked a lacy push-up bra from the rack. Fancy pants Miss To-Oh University would love it.
Figuring he had enough lingerie (any more would make him seem perverted), Light headed for the service counter. Ryuk gagged when he saw the total price.
"Whoa, Light. If you want to see these girls in two inches of cotton, why don't you just buy them tissues?" he choked, "Besides, I thought you were cheap."
Light narrowed his eyes in response. He mentally crossed 'apple' off his shopping list. True enough, he ordinarily hated spending money on anyone but himself. But this was Valentine's Day, and Light Yagami was not going to be made to look cheap.
He left the lingerie store with a bag full of lace and nylon about equal in weight to the paper yen notes he'd spent. It was time to hit the jewelers. Then the florist, and the toy store, and the chocolaterie, and the news agents…
The list went on.
T T T
Ryuk was worried.
Not by the fact that his human hadn't killed anyone in days, nor by the fact that he hadn't had an apple since his 'cheap' comment, though these things both concerned him.
But no, the big worry here was not the Death Note, or apples, or how Light had relocated his porn collection while Ryuk was in the shinigami world: it was Misa.
"Is that all really for her?"
He already knew the answer. They pile, nay, the mountain of smelly girly romantic crap at the foot of Light's bed could be for one person only.
Smelly girly romantic Misa.
"You know what she's like," Light snapped, packing the smaller piles into gift bags, "She might have agreed to let me see other girls, but she'll kill all of us if she doesn't get the biggest Valentine's present."
Ryuk turned his attention to the focal point of Misa's present mountain.
"Won't that scare her?"
Light stopped packing to give him a smug grin. "That, my uneducated friend, is a teddy bear. For girls like Misa, this is better than diamonds for softening their heads."
A club would be better, Ryuk thought, but said nothing. He thought Light could actually do quite a bit of damage to Misa's skull with the stuffed bear: it was at least her height and weight, with a solid plastic nose the size and hardness of Ryuk's fist.
"Let me give you a tip," Light smiled wryly, "The bigger the bear, the harder girls fall for it."
By the looks of things, Misa was going to fall so hard that she'd be wearing her nose on the back of her head. The shinigami in Ryuk approved. At last! A human holiday that celebrated with violence!
Then again… he wasn't so sure that he wanted to see Misa's head softened, at least not by Light. And he knew for sure that Rem wouldn't like it.
"Ryuga asked me to drop by the NPA headquarters today." Light said, watching the shinigami suspiciously, "I think he's got Mogi tailing me at the moment, so I'd prefer you to stay around here and watch for Misa."
Misa! Ryuk was instantly on alert.
Light continued. "If she shows up, make sure she's gone before I get home. I don't want Mogi to see her hanging around here."
"Yes sir!" Ryuk gave him a sloppy salute, and grinned dopily.
"Right…" Light scooped up the smallest of his three 'other' Valentine bags. "I'll drop this off to Shiho on my way home."
Ryuk watched him leave. At the bottom of the stairs, Sayu snatched the gift bag from Light.
"What's in here? Oooh, it's for your girl friend!" Sayu teased, "What's this? Crotchless undies! Ew! Misa won't like these at all!"
Light grabbed the bag back. "They aren't for Misa."
"Oh! The scandal!" Sayu cried.
Once he was sure Light was gone, Ryuk turned his attention back to the bear. How to stop Light from turning Misa soft-headed? How! He needed to be smart, like Light or L, and think of a plan.
An hour passed. No plan came to mind. Those damn geniuses made it look so easy, too.
"Damn it!" Ryuk cursed, then laughed. He sounded like Light. Funny.
Disillusioned with his tiny shinigami brain, Ryuk decided an apple was in order. He vaguely recalled Light telling him to do something, but didn't care enough to consider it important.
He drifted out through the wall and towards the markets.
T T T
None of the NPA officers looked up when Light entered the room.
"Hello." He called, annoyed at being ignored.
Matsuda grunted a reply. The others, L included, were too busy watching television. Light squinted at the distant screen. His pulse quickened. Had they found something new on the Kira case?
His fears vanished when Aizawa let out a loud sob. "Brooke! How could you do that to Rick?"
Light felt instantly foolish. It was 3.00pm. He should have known they'd be watching the Bold and the Beautiful.
Once the adds came on, the mystic hold daytime soap held over the Kira investigation team evaporated.
"Light-kun," L greeted him, "Thanks for dropping by."
He eyed the bag in Light's arms. It's February 13th, he thought, And Light-kun has four girlfriends. The bag is only small.
"Going to see Shiho?" he guessed.
"Uh-huh." Light groaned inwardly. Couldn't he do anything without L knowing?
He counted the adds that had played. Four. Not long left before the show resumed and everyone begun ignoring him again.
"Shiho's expecting me," he lied, "So I can't stay long."
But L wasn't thinking of the Kira case. He was thinking of the contents of the bag. Shiho was Light's least favourite girl friend, and therefore received the cheapest gifts, he reasoned. The cheapest gifts for Valentine's were chocolates and candy.
L immediately forgot the five kilogram chocolate heart that Aizawa (who secretly loved him) had given him earlier that day and focused his mental powers on obtaining Shiho's Valentine's present.
Three seconds passed. Nothing came to mind. L decided to resort to his back-up plan.
"Light-kun, look out the window." He said, pointing.
Light did so. He felt a rush of air past his face and suddenly the parcel in his arms felt lighter.
"I can see… oh my God!" Light paled, "There's a woman being brutally murdered in the hotel across the street!"
L glanced at the candy he'd stolen. Belgian chocolates. And he'd been telling everyone that Light-kun was cheap!
"Is she having a heart attack?" he asked, mouth full of chocolate.
"Uh, n- no." Light stammered. He was unable to tear his eyes from the blood-soaked scene unfolding before his very eyes. Is that happened to people when he wrote their names in his Death Note? He was a monster!
"Can you see Kira?"
By this stage, the Bold and the Beautiful was back on. L had his candy, and no one was paying any attention to Light the boy prodigy what-so-ever.
"N- no, but-"
Light's father waved a hand for him to be quiet. "Then shut up, son, it's nothing to do with us. We're trying to hear what Rick's saying."
Dismayed and appalled, Light let out a wail and fled the room. No one noticed.
After a few minutes, L held up a pair of bright pink, crotchless knickers.
"What're these?" he wondered.
T T T
No one saw the rugged black figure of Ryuk as he drifted aimlessly through the markets. He'd eaten his apple, to no avail. A plan of action still eluded him.
"Misa already likes Light, hyuk." Ryuk chuckled, though he didn't see much to laugh at, "Who knows what she'll do if he makes her soft-headed?"
He had a terrible vision of Light forcing a drooling, brain-dead Misa to wear the string bikini he'd bought her. He mentally erased Light from the picture. That brightened his mood considerably. What about Ryuk forcing a drooling, brain-dead Misa to wear a string bikini? That wasn't bad at all!
All the women within half a mile of Ryuk shuddered involuntarily.
What was it Light had said about bears? The bigger they were…
Ryuk couldn't help but grin. He had an idea.
T T T
Bearing witness to a brutal murder was only the beginning of what was to be a bad afternoon for Light Yagami.
Shiho had not been impressed with the handful of daisies he'd picked from her front garden in the presence of his empty gift bag. To make up for it, he'd had to take her to a chick flick. Not that that was all bad news; he'd written the actor's names on the scrap of the Death Note he carried everywhere.
That had successfully put an end to the Devil Wears Prada AGAIN!!, the threatened sequel.
Afterwards, she'd demanded he take her out for dinner. He'd agreed. After all, this would make three dinner dates in total, and we all know what that means (hyuk hyuk).
During dinner, however, Shiho announced that she would be remaining the sole possessor of the key to her chastity belt under AFTER their wedding. Light had had to slap his trembling hand from scrawling her name down right there and then.
Now, on his way home (in the rain, mind you), he mimicked Shiho: "Oh, you know, Light, I just want to be sure that you love me. I don't want to give my body away to just anybody."
Hmph! Like he was just anybody. He was ace student, Light Yagami! He was Kira, for Christ's Sake! He was glad his other girl friends weren't so uppity.
"Oo-oohh, Light!" Sayu called when Light trudged inside, "Did your girl friend like her new panties?"
Light glared at her and made for the stairs. He made a mental note to have Sayu die in a horrible accident.
"Well, Romeo, we're going out to get pizza for dinner. Do you want any?" Sayu called after him.
He didn't answer her. She didn't deserve an answer. Sayu stuck her tongue out at his retreating back. For a genius, her brother sure could be du-umb.
Unbeknownst to him, Light's day was about to get much, much worse. He opened the door to his room to find Ryuk perched atop the massive, stinking corpse of a grizzly bear, reading the new issue of Asian Babes.
"Gwa?" Light said when he could speak.
"Oh, hi Light. How was the NPA?" Ryuk asked, glancing up from his magazine.
"Nyuh? Kw- wh- what is THAT?!"
Ryuk, never the sharpest bowling ball in the alley, swung and missed. "This?" he held up Asian Babes, "Don't worry, it's not yours. I nicked it from the news stand."
Seeing Light's exasperated expression, he added, "You can have it when I'm done."
"Not that, you idiot! Th- th- the bear!"
Sayu and Sachiko, who were passing by the stairs to Light's room on their way to the front door, looked up at the screaming boy. They exchanged a glance. Sayu cranked a finger around her ear, and Sachiko nodded in silent agreement.
"This bear?" Ryuk notioned down at his perch.
"Yes that bear! Why is there a dead grizzly bear in my room? Have you gone mad?!"
Ryuk gave Light his 'beaten puppy' look, the one he'd stolen from L. Unlike L, however, Ryuk had a face like a hatful of assholes, and the look did nothing to endear him to Light.
Seeing it wasn't working, Ryuk stammered hurriedly, "It - it's my Valentine's present for Misa. It'll be out of here tomorrow-"
"Get it out now!" Light roared. He thrust a finger in the direction of the staircase, and subsequently banged his hand on the wall.
Light smothered a whimper. Stupid wall. Well, he'd show it. He'd write 'wall' down in his Death Note, and see got in who's way then!
Ryuk sulked. He took his time sliding down from the grizzly bear, and dragging it over to Light, who stood by the doorway.
"My family have all gone out," Light growled to him, "But make sure no one else sees you. If I hear any reports of a dead grizzly bear floating down the street, you'll get no more apples ever!"
With that, Light stepped out of the way. He refused to give Ryuk so much as a second glance.
The big shinigami shuffled his feet, gave Light one last forlorn look, and began the arduous task of dragging the grizzly carcass back down the stairs. When the last of the flies had tailed after him, Light slammed his bedroom door shut.
"Idiot!" he whispered furiously.
He was going to have to make up some excuse for the wide brown blood stain the bear had left on his carpet. He could have cleaned it himself, but being naturally in-adept at housework, Light preferred to rack his brains for a reason to have Sayu clean up instead.
Ignoring Ryuk's exaggerated groans from beyond the door, Light picked up the discarded Asian Babes. He wasn't a man given to reading porn. Why would he be, when he had an entire harem of willing babes at his disposal? But it had been a long day, and even Kira's need to unwind sometimes.
Light sat back on his bed, opened to the horoscope section, and started to read.
T T T
"Seven-fifty pm. Mogi dies of boredom." Mogi spoke into his recorder.
He sighed and sipped at his zillionth cup of coffee.
…and promptly spilt it all over himself. It was scalding hot, but Mogi barely noticed. Instead, he edged across the dumpster, hardly daring to believe his eyes.
Seemingly of its own accord, the Yagami's front door had opened. Mogi had dismissed this as the wind - Sayu and Sachiko had left, shaking their heads, only minutes earlier, and he guessed they hadn't closed it properly.
But then, then, nothing other than a gigantic grizzly bear had emerged through the open door! Mogi blinked, trying to clear the apparition. It had to be the biggest bear he'd ever seen, well over twelve feet high.
That wasn't the strangest thing about it, either. Mogi inched forward. The bear was walking on its hind legs, and its head was tipped, practically lolling, to the side. It was surrounded by a black cloud of flies.
The bear headed down the Yagami's front path, towards the street. Mogi had been sure that no one would see him there in the darkness across the road, hidden between two houses. But now the bear appeared to be staring straight at him.
"Oh, gods!" Mogi whispered frantically, trying to crawl back into the shadows. "It's Kira! He's taken the form of a giant bear! He's coming to kill me! He's-"
Mogi hesitated. The bear reached the street and turned.
It hadn't seen him after all! Mogi waited for it to disappear from sight, then waited several more minutes until his heartbeat slowed and he trusted himself to speak.
He reached for his phone. L was definitely going to want to hear this.
T T T
Misa and Rem were in the midst of a pillow fight when there came a knock at the door.
"Maybe that's our take-out?" Rem suggested, panting heavily.
"Or maybe it's Light! Ooh!" Misa squealed, "We've still got our hair in rollers!"
She tugged the rollers from her blonde hair. Rem left hers in. She doubted that Light would ever lower himself to pay Misa a house call, and didn't care what the arrogant brat thought in any case.
Both girls were stunned to see Ryuk standing at the door. He was badly out of breath, and accompanied by the buzz of flies.
"Ryuk-san! What's the matter? Is Light with you?" Misa wondered. She tried in vain to peer around the shinigami.
"He's not." Ryuk said. He gave a nervous "hyuk hyuk".
Rem was instantly suspicious, and starting to wish that she too had taken the rollers from her tentacles. "Why would you come all this way on your own?"
"I know this is a day early. Light wouldn't let me keep it in the house."
With a sudden jerk, Ryuk pulled the grizzly bear out from behind him.
Misa screamed at the bear's bleeding face and inch from her own. She tore her gaze from it to stare at Ryuk in unabashed horror.
Mistaking her expression for one of delight, Ryuk said, "It's the biggest bear I could find. Much bigger than Light's bear. I, er, think I'm supposed to hit you with it now."
Misa's lip trembled. "L- Light killed a bear?"
Ryuk decided that he'd destroyed Light's credit with Misa enough for one night, and thought to put a good word in for him.
"Not just killed it," the shinigami said, "He bludgeoned it to death. It was just a little one, though."
"That monster!" Misa wailed. Tears streaming down her face, she turned and fled back inside.
The two shinigami were left in an uncomfortable silence.
At last, Rem spoke. "Well I like it."
Ryuk shook his head. "It was s'posed to make her go soft-headed for me."
They stared at the bear. Rem smiled. She batted one nicotine-yellow eye at Ryuk.
"It may not be the same thing as having a soft-headed human," she said coyly, "But how about you take a shinigami out for some fun?"
Ryuk nodded. Then he thought of Rem in a string bikini and grinned. He let the bear carcass drop to Misa's porch.
"I know a place," he said, taking Rem's arm. Almost as an afterthought he added, "Hyuk hyuk."
T T T
Mogi's tale was too much for L. He decided he had to go and find out for himself whether it was true or not. Could it really be? Kira was a giant grizzly bear that lived in the Yagami's house? Only Light could know the answer.
For that reason, the next day he had Watari drive him to the gates of To-Oh University.
He knew Light-Kun would be there. Today was Valentine's Day, and Light couldn't help but make an appearance for his three university-going girl friends and multitude of fans.
"Pick me this afternoon, Watari. Don't be late." L told his assistant before closing the limo door.
He took a deep breath. He knew Light-kun would make an appearance, and the story of the bear was tempting, but he still hated going out in the open like this.
Trying to be inconspicuous (and sticking out like a sore thumb), he skulked over to the cafeteria. He'd had the last of Shiho's chocolate for breakfast, but there was nothing like a piece of cake to get the mind buzzing of a morning.
At the cafeteria door, however, his thoroughfare was blocked. L recognised Kyoko, a short, plump girl who trailed around after him on the rare occasions he attended To-Oh.
Today she was covered from head to toe in pink icing.
"Ryuga," Kyoko purred, her hands on either side of the cafeteria door, her body just inside, "I got you a Valentine's Day present."
L let his eyes drift over her. Visions of marble cake filled his mind. Absently, he licked his lips.
"What's that?" he wondered, stepping closer to her.
Kyoko flashed him an impish smile, and adjusted her glasses.
A/N: Free e-candy for anyone who reviews!