Warnings: Descriptions of emotional, physical, and sexual abuse.
Disclaimer: I don't own SVU. No profit made. No infringement intended.
Casey hasn't stopped walking since she left Saul in lockup. Their last words keep haunting her-
"Maybe one day you can forgive yourself when you realize it wasn't your fault."
She can't stop the tidal waves of thoughts, so she keeps walking. All she could think about is how bloody complicated it is to be human. How we can be these living contradictions of good and evil, innocence and guilt, love and hate. Just as she can't see Saul as completely evil, she can't reconcile how much she loved her ex-fiancé Charlie and yet left him. She wanted to only see the good, the future they could have had. But it wasn't all good. Some of it was very bad. And she couldn't let herself hate him, even just a little. She couldn't let herself blame him.
She knows she should go home to Olivia- she's probably worried- but she doesn't want to face her. But after half an hour, it's getting dark and she's exhausted, so she has to.
As she unlocks the apartment door, she takes a deep breath, and then steps inside. Olivia is sitting on the couch waiting for her. She looks tired and regretful. Casey doesn't say anything, so Olivia doesn't either. She just gets up and heads to the bedroom. They undress in silence. As they lay down on the bed, they are careful not to touch each other. It is almost unbearably quiet as they wait for sleep to take them. It hurts not to say, "I love you" like they always do before bed. Olivia's breath slows and gets deeper. Casey hates that- trying to fall asleep when the other person already has. It makes her feel that despite being so close to Olivia, she's really all alone.
Casey starts to fall into a light sleep, the kind where your thoughts start to turn into disturbing dreams. You drift in and out, and you're not sure what is and isn't real.
"Where is he now, Casey? Your schitzo ex-boyfriend? Is he locked up somewhere?" Olivia's voice echoes as Charlie appears, walking down the street. Casey reaches for him, and he collapses, his body decomposing in front of Casey. "I'm so sorry. It was all my fault," she cries as she shakes Charlie's lifeless body.
Olivia has woken up to Casey's thrashing limbs and mumbling. She's trying to wake her, but it's not doing any good.
In Casey's dream Olivia is now there in front of her, just like earlier today. Olivia is yelling and talking about Charlie, and Casey slaps her. At first she's shocked she did it, but then she lets go of the words inside her that threaten to devour her. "How the hell can you go around protecting Elliot at all costs, when I'm your girlfriend and you're ripping my heart out? I trusted you with a secret and you fucking betrayed me, you used it against me. I don't think I'll ever be able to fucking trust you again. I almost hate loving you as much as I hated loving Charlie," Casey growls in her dream.
Casey mumbles the same words aloud while she dreams. It is just as she stops yelling in her dream that Olivia manages to wake her up.
It's while she's coming from the dream to reality that Casey asks Olivia, "How could you?" as hot angry tears run down her face.
Olivia pulls Casey into her arms. "I'm so sorry Casey. I really am," Olivia murmurs sincerely. "Shhh. Sushhh. It's ok now. I'm so sorry. I should never have betrayed your trust. Please forgive me."
Casey can't manage words. She just keeps crying in Olivia's arms. Olivia gently pulls both of them back under the covers, and holds Casey tightly in her arms. Casey listens to Olivia's heartbeat to relax and fall asleep again. Olivia whispers, "I love you" ever so softly.