Every Man's Fantasy
"I agree fully."
Renji looked up. "Ichigo, you're back to normal? No more puke-when-you-see-Renji-ness?"
"Better than normal." The orange-haired teenager growled and launched himself at the redhead.
They tussled and knocked the chair off its legs, scattered all of Ichigo's books and finally ended with Renji pinning the smaller Ichigo beneath him with a choke hold. "What the frikking hell were you trying to do?!"
"I know I haven't done this before," rasped Ichigo, "but I think I'd prefer being on top."
"Oh no... The bloody pill didn't work!" swore the lieutenant. He cursed Urahara long and imaginatively under his breath, wishing the sandaled ex-captain would turn up so he could be cursed at properly. Unfortunately, as he was preoccupied with wishing all sorts of debilitating illnesses on Urahara's privates, Ichigo bucked and reversed the hold. Renji was slammed facedown to the wooden floor, none too gently. As he struggled Ichigo leaned down and licked Renji up the back of his neck, and began nibbling on Renji's right ear. Renji twisted away from the ticklish sensation.
"Mmmmmmmm...Do you taste the same in your gigai, Renji?" asked the teenager, shifting so that he could straddle the shinigami lieutenant. Renji groaned inwardly. If anyone saw them in this position, he'd have to reincarnate and die again just to get over the humiliation. "Or do you taste better down there?" Ichigo's free hand slid down Renji's back and moved to his hip, obviously wanting to slip it between...
"Hey hey hey!" yelped Renji, valiantly and vainly trying to throw the boy off. It did part of the trick though; Ichigo was now licking him again, his strong hands massaging his shoulders. It would have been pretty relaxing if not for the fact that Renji was, essentially, imprisoned by Ichigo's wrestling move.
He stopped and thought as calmly as he could, while Ichigo plastered wet kisses on the back of his neck. It felt kind of nice; Ichigo's lips were more moist than Shuuhei's, and the boy appeared to have an instinctive knowledge of how to work his tongue... "HEY! Get off me!"
Ichigo's tone was wickedly sensual. "Not gonna happen. Maybe if you beg me nicely?"
Renji scrunched up his eyes. Then he snapped them open. "Ichigo, I think I'd prefer if you were also in shinigami form."
"But I'd have to get off you..."
"...so that I can move around and we see each other face to face." Please, please believe me.
Ichigo's brain must have been clouded by red hot lust because he released Renji from the awkward position. But Renji congratulated himself a little too long because he found his lips locked with Ichigo's shinigami formwithin a second.
In fact, as Renji tried to push the boy away, he realized the boy was becoming a man. And Renji was right about Ichigo having an instinct on how to use his tongue... Oh bugger it.
"Whooo-eee...Someone bring some ice! Too bad shinigami don't show up on video, else I could have a great hit on Youtube," exclaimed a familiar voice at the window. The redhead managed to wrestle lust-filled Ichigo away for a moment; it didn't deter the teenager, who now occupied himself with nibbling on Renji's neck.
"Urahara! Your stupid pill got him to become all horny!! For me!"
"I dunno," grinned the shopkeeper. "You seem quite happy with the attention, Abarai-san."
"SHADDUP AND STOP THIS!" Renji panicked when Ichigo began to tug on his belt while sucking on his collarbone. "Please! Help!!"
"Being polite gets you everywhere." Urahara smiled behind his fan. He called out to the lusty strawberry. "Kurosaki-kun!"
"What? Stop distracting my lover from – ulp." A small red pill had been shot into his mouth. The boy gulped it down and coughed. Renji stopped struggling, hoping that Ichigo would snap out of whatever nutzoid world his mind was in. Ichigo returned his attention to the lieutenant. "Now that he's done, we can continue with our little..."
He kissed Renji again, who flailed about, trying to grab Urahara for salvation. The shopkeeper dodged, all the while chuckling silently behind his fan, watching the show.
Suddenly Ichigo froze. He pulled away and looked into Renji's face. Then realized that his arms were locked about Renji's torso. And that he was about to pin Renji onto his own bed. Then realized he had a real and pressing need to get into the bathroom for a good, long, icy cold shower.
"Oh god, Renji lips, lips of Renji," he muttered a small scream as he spat and rubbed at his lips and tongue. "I'm gonna bathe in bleachfor a friggin' month!! And mouthwash! I need mouthwash... I actually kissed Renji! Of all people I kissed Renji!! Gaaaahhk!"
"With lots of tongue action, if I may add?" Urahara commented politely. "Very exciting."
"Oh gods, I'm gonna throw up. Again. Oh gods..." Ichigo fled.
"That was the real antidote?" Renji demanded as he collapsed on Ichigo's bed, next to Ichigo's form. The boy had sprinted out the door, not even bothering to return to his body.
"Sort of," said Urahara. "You didn't eat the pill immediately yesterday?"
"So that's why the accelerant's effects are enhanced! And since the original dose already upped their reactions based on sexual attraction...This is very interesting." The gleam in Urahara's eye could rival any mad scientist's on the verge of bringing their creation to life. "Oh, on a side note, the effects on their sex drive is going to be stronger. You're gonna have to put up with a few more episodes of this, Abarai-kun."
If anything the ex-captain sounded amused.
So he was a guinea pig? Dammit. Renji gritted his teeth. "How the hell am I supposed to get them back to normal?"
"I have a batch of the, uh, antidote. You want them back to normal, you'll have to deliver it yourself. On the bright side, you only need to give to those most affected by you. They could be sickened, or extremely agitated, or just plain horny – as our dear Kurosaki-kun has demonstrated. If it's just wide-open eyes and a tendency to swoon, they'll be fine in a day or so." Urahara's smile was angelic and innocent. "You sure you want them normal?"
"Of course I do!"
"But going back to Soul Society now..."
"C'mon," said Renji resignedly. "Zabimaru's there. Besides, I've been kissed by Shuuhei and Ichigo already. How bad can it get?"
"Idiot, idiot, idiot," he scolded himself as he dodged another lovestruck Academy student. "How bad? This bad!"
At least they were all students. It wasn't difficult to escape them, and with his radar on for Zaraki-taichou – and other captains – and other lieutenants – he was relatively safe. He was gonna avoid Soul Society for a month until he was certain the shinigami were all back to normal. And maybe selective amnesia would kick in.
He pulled his shades off. Erroneously he had thought that eye contact was the trigger. Turns out just his magnificent self alone was capable of sending a girl into swooning adoration.
"Damn, damn, damn, damn, damn..." he flash-stepped to the beat of cursing to the Kuchiki compound. Hoping that his captain could contain himself until the dosage took effect, Renji crept into Kuchiki Byakuya's quarters.
Lucky. He was asleep, a cup of tea by his bed. Renji tiptoed to the cup and dropped a pill in it. As he turned to leave a hand grabbed his ankle.
"Taichou! Have a cup of tea. Please." He knew his grin was manic. But the realization didn't ebb with the realization of the sudden surge in reiatsu from Byakuya. Renji quickly knelt down and passed Byakuya the cup. "Have some."
The captain took a sip and spat it out. Drink the whole thing up, dammit.
"It's cold." Byakuya was as close to sulking as Renji had ever seen. His black hair was a little mussed from having stayed in bed all day.
Renji resisted the strange urge to neaten it; this may not be the usual aristocratic captain he dealt with regularly, but Renji still wanted all his fingers intact. But then again, it was almost cute, the way his dark eyes narrowed and the well-shaped upper lip curled up, the pale pink similar to the color of Senbonzakura...
"I don't like cold tea. Bring me another cup."
I don't think I have enough pills to dissolve another.
You could give this to him in a different way. But he'll be pissed when he sanes up. His second thoughts were talking again.
Well, what's the worst he could do?
Dismember you or impale you or just slash you until there are only blood splotches left. Second-thought Renji put in.
Death is still better than lust-bunny Kuchiki-taichou.
An incongruous image of Byakuya in a bunny suit brought a smile to his lips. In an instant he decided. "Taichou, I could...uh, warm this up for you."
Byakuya's lashes lowered and he tilted his head slightly. He put his hands on Renji's knees and leaned in. "Then it had better be good and hot."
Even when he's nuts he's still exactly the same demanding man.
Renji took a mouthful of the tea – it was not that cold – and pressed his warm lips against his captain's.
"Captain! I had to! I can explain! Really!!"
"Be glad I've no energy to summon bankai! Get out!"
Renji rubbed his mouth with the back of his hand. Three guys he'd kissed in the space of one day.
This could not be happening.
But if he had to choose one out of the three... "Eurgh, gross! Abarai Renji, you need a good kicking in the head."
A shadow fell across his path. A curvy, auburn haired shadow. Rangiku Matsumoto. Her eyes were red and Renji felt bad... but then, he didn't make her cry, did he?
"I really, really agree with the head-kicking," said Matsumoto. She had on her uniform again. More importantly, her zanpakuto was in her hand. Unsheathed. Glittering. Her voice was a snarl of jealous rage. "I heard that you kissed Shuuhei. Renji, how could you?"
"For the record, I didn't kiss him, he kissed me." I can't believe I'm saying this out loud as my defense. "Matsumoto, calm down. You don't want to do this."
"Wanna bet?" her tone was even lower now. Renji could see the whitened knuckles as she gripped her sword. "All I wanted was to be with you, show you what true loving could be... and you dumped me! For a man! If you wanted to know the sixty-nine I could've taught you too!"
"Whoa whoa whoa... hold it, Matsumoto. Shuuhei and I didn't do anything, okay? No sixty-nine, no numerical value of any kind. I ran away from him too-"
"So first you dumped me, and then you dumped the man you dumped me for?!" Matsumoto's voice rose to a shrill screech. "Growl, Haineko."
"I don't wanna hurt you, Matsumoto." Renji tried to figure out the best way to escape and then to cure her. "But I will if I have to."
"You already did."
Renji decided that the best defense was a good offense. He ducked under the cloudy gray particles and grabbed Matsumoto's by her slim waist. Her breasts pressed against his broad chest as she hammered on his shoulders. "Stop struggling, Matsumoto, this'll hurt me more than it hurts you!"
He dropped a pill into her mouth and clamped her mouth shut with his hand until she swallowed. Renji held on to her until she relaxed her struggling, then let go and backed away a few steps. He thought about it, then backed away a few more steps.
"Um, Matsumoto, are you yourself again?"
She raised her tear-stained face to look at him. "Yeah, I am. I had the weirdest sensation though, of wanting to beg you to undress me..."
Seeing Renji squirm, she laughed. "Relax, boy. I ain't gonna spread a word. You think I want people to say I enjoyed being controlled by my, uh, passions?"
As she turned to leave, she paused. "It means a lot though."
"It means a lot that you didn't take advantage of me."
Okay, two down, Kira, Shuuhei, and Rukia to go.
Renji knocked on the door timidly. No glomping please. Please?
"Renji," Kira said. He sounded normal, although he opened the door only partway. "What do you want? I'm trying to rest."
"Um, Matsumoto asked me to deliver this to you. She said it'll help you relax."
"How did she know?"
"I dunno. You can eat it and ask her about it."
Kira looked at the little red pill in his hand and then at Renji. "I won't eat it."
Renji's heart sank. He could smell alcohol on Kira's breath. Did he have to go through this with each of them? "Kira, please. Just swallow and everything troubling you goes away."
"Oh really?" Kira's eyes widened with anger. "The magic pill, huh? If such a pill exists, I should have bought a dozen full cartons! I'd take one every single day, just to stop feeling jealous whenever you look at another shinigami..."
Renji held on to the suddenly crying Kira in his arms. Why was it that the male shinigami were the ones who ended up in his embrace? And only one woman, and Renji had been too damned honorable to take advantage of her. Idiot. He sighed and tried to rectify the situation.
"Kira. Kira, listen. You love Hinamori, not me. Take the pill and you'll see."
"What do you mean? You mean you think my love is false? It's all pretend? That with the pill all my affections can be transferred? Newsflash, Renji: I've loved you since our Academy days. I can't believe you'd-" his breath hitched and he hiccuped. Renji sighed again and picked up his ex-classmate. Kira was definitely drunk. "Renji, I love you, I really... I tried not to, but I can't stop..."
"Take the damn pill and don't let me worry about you."
"I am really, really sorry, Renji. I swear I wasn't myself."
"I know. But do stop drinking yourself to sleep from now on. It doesn't help." Renji cleared up the bottles and hesitated. "I've tried it myself, remember?"
Kira's answering smile was dim. "Yeah."
Shuuhei's door was unlocked. Was that a good sign?
"Hey," he said. His eyes smoldered as they wandered over Renji's body, resting on a point Renji was extremely uncomfortable with. "Knew you'd come back. That Matsumoto bitch thought you were hers, and I set her right."
Shuuhei got off the bed and locked the door after pulling Renji inside. He dimmed the lights as well, leaving Renji standing in semi-darkness.
The fly is in the spider's web.
Renji ruthlessly suppressed the flight instinct. "I, um, met her. She's clear now."
Pill is in my hand. Just gotta find the right opening.
Oh, for a better turn of phrase.
"Of course she is clear. I made sure of that." Shuuhei's arms slipped about Renji's waist from behind the tall shinigami. Renji tried to twist away. "Stop that... you'll wriggle, and writhe, and twist later, I promise. Right now... let's just take things slow, hmmm? The lights are right, there's just you and me, it's late in the evening..."
"Uh, Shuuhei... your other seated officers might hear you. Us." Please, please hear me.
Shuuhei chuckled huskily. "Really? I never knew you were a screamer." His left hand slipped into the opening of Renji's top and began caressing the 'very toned abs'. He breathed into Renji's neck. "It's alright, I gave them the night off, since I knew I'd be very, very busy... and since your captain is sick too, you won't be disturbed..." He licked the hollow between Renji's neck and collarbone.
"Okay! Alright!" Renji shuddered and fought out of Shuuhei's embrace. "It's getting too weird. Shuuhei, something's going on, and you're affected by it. Very, very strongly."
"Of course something's going on." The ninth division lieutenant stalked across the carpet. His left forefinger traced the tattooed number on his cheek. "I know I feel different. Powerful. Alive. Hungry."
"Okay. That's, uh... good to know."
"It feels too good to be true."
"Oh." Renji was relieved. It figured; a smart man like Shuuhei shouldn't be fooled for long by whatever mind-altering drug Urahara had cooked up in that warlock's cauldron of his. "Then, uh, don't you want to, y'know, stop that feeling?"
"I know what it is I want to feel," interrupted the dark-haired lieutenant, advancing like a panther. Renji gulped and stepped backwards. "I want to feel you. All around me."
"Oh." With rising alarm Renji started moving towards the windows. Then he caught sight of Zabimaru, buried beneath the pillows. Shuuhei saw his eyes fix upon his sword.
"Yeah, Renji, Zabimaru's right there." Shuuhei climbed onto the bed again, and lazed against the pillows. "Why don't you join us?"
Renji wasn't fooled; he noted the lithe grace and the taut muscles of his academy senpai. But his own zanpakuto... he couldn't leave Zabimaru here.
Hey. If you could manage to squirm out of the kiss with Byakuya, I'm sure you can take Shuuhei down. Not in that way, of course.
Kuchiki-taichou was not feeling well, that's why I escaped unscathed.
Yeah right. Like he wasn't taking every advantage just now, with his hands and his-
I'm in your head, braintrust. Shut me up.
"What's wrong, Renji?" Shuuhei's eyes darkened with more than lust. His nostrils flared slightly. "You're thinking of that little Kuchiki bitch again, aren't you?"
"Bite your tongue." Renji's instinctive reply shot out of him before he registered that, once again, Hisagi Shuuhei was proving to be exceedingly talented in shunpo.
The shorter man grabbed Renji's head down and whispered, "Do it for me."
Renji had only time enough to slip the pill into his own mouth before Shuuhei took his second taste of the redhead.
"I am going to kill Urahara when I finally meet him," Shuuhei growled from inside the bathroom for the fiftienth time. At the rate he was brushing his teeth and gargling, he probably needed another new toothbrush and a whole new set of dental insurance. And probably new teeth as well. "I am going to kill him!"
Zabimaru finally returned to his side, Renji propped his chin in his hands. "You're not the only one."
Last one left.
Rukia was in the thirteenth division tonight, if Orihime was staying. He had to find a way to get to Rukia without arousing Inoue's and Ukitake-taichou's attention.
My kingdom for a better choice of words.
Renji slipped into Rukia's room – thank the heavens he'd been here often enough – only to realize Rukia was sitting on the bed, her arms crossed.
For a petite girl in a Chappy nightshirt, she was doing a good impression of an avenging angel.
"Well?" Her tone was icy, and the glare from her clear eyes pinned Renji to the spot. "I had to listen to Orihime and Ukitake-taichou and Matsumoto raving over you. And Ise-fukutaicho and Kurotsuchi-fukutaichou wanted me to tell them when you were available so they can take you out for meals. Pleased now? You're Mr. Popularity."
"Rukia, listen," Renji began, then dropped his hands. "Look, I've had a really, really hard, day. And right now, I think you don't even need the pill. You certainly seem normal, compared to everyone else."
"Everyone else? How much 'else' was there?"
"Your brother, for one, Kira, Matsumoto, Ise and Nemu – um, Kurotsuchi-fukutaichou you know... Ichigo was the ultimate..." Renji shook his head. "No, I take that back. Shuuhei was the scariest."
"My brother and Ichigo?!" yelped Rukia.
Renji hissed at her to keep her voice low. He did not want Orihime and Ukitake-taichou finding him.
She got to her feet. "You are so beyond dead. You are the deadest man in seireitei, Abarai Renji. In fact, Soukyoku would be peanuts compared to what I'm going to do to you..."
"Hey, hold it," Renji tried to placate the irate girl, "I didn't ask for them to come on to me."
"But they did. And you probably let them, didn't you?" Rukia reached for her sword on the table.
Renji drew Zabimaru halfway out of its sheath. "Hold it, Rukia. You're under some influence of this... pill thingy Urahara gave me. Eat this and you'll feel more like yourself."
Rukia snarled and leaped.
Renji caught her in mid-air, popped the red pill into her mouth, and let her beat on him with her small fists until she stopped.
"Feel better?" Renji asked tentatively. He offered a timorous smile.
Rukia glared at him. "No." She yanked his ear and pulled him down to eye level, before planting a full, rich, wet kiss on his lips.
"I won," Yoruichi smirked.
Urahara pouted. "But he was approached by women as well, Yoruichi. So it's not a full loss."
"He kissed three men out of the five who showed interest. As compared to only one out of the five women." Then, as Urahara opened his mouth to protest, Yoruichi laid down her aces. "One of them he kissed on two separate occasions, and Renji himself initiated one kiss with Byakuya, which counts as a triple. So even if we deduct his kiss with Rukia – from the overall total, I still get five points."
Urahara sighed dramatically. "Fine. Ten fuzzy belly rubs and ten days of top quality maguro. Happy?"
"Very." Yoruichi licked her fur and purred.
A/N: some fanservice for Renji/Ichigo, Renji/Byakuya, Renji/Shuuhei and Renji/Matsumoto shippers. Take everything with a grain of salt, and perhaps a cold shower after your mind winds down :)
Reviews please! Which was your favorite?