Oh, Snape went to the Pearly Gates
But they wouldn't let him in.
They said the Mark upon his arm
Betrayed a life of Sin.
Then Snape went to the Gates of Hell
But they laughed and threw him out.
They told him his Patronus
Placed his evilness in doubt.
Then Snape went to Valhalla:
There was meat and ale and song.
And it was packed with Gryffindors,
So he didn't stay for long.
Then Snape went down to Duat,
Where they tried to weigh his heart.
But his wandless "Leviosa!"
Made the feather fall apart.
Then Snape tried the Grey Havens,
Which was full of bloody elves.
And a sign that read "No Slytherins"
Meant they kept it for themselves.
Then Snape went through the Discworld,
Where his Stopper Theory worked.
A voice said: TAKE THE CORK OUT, NOW!
And the Potions Master smirked.
Then Snape went to the River Styx
Where they asked him for two Knuts
And he sang Don't Pay the Ferryman
And they kicked him in the guts.
So he chose reincarnation...
Just as Harry spilled his seed.
And that's why Albus Severus
Is a special boy indeed.
Written and posted at LiveJournal and InsaneJournal - September 8, 2007.
References: first and second verses - Christian Heaven and Hell; Valhalla - Norse myth; Duat and the feather - Egyptian myth; Grey Havens - Tolkien, Lord of the Rings; CAPSLOCK!Death - Terry Pratchett's Discworld series; River Styx - Greek myth; Don't Pay the Ferryman - song by Chris de Burgh, 1980s.
Disclaimer: Based on characters and situations created and owned by JK Rowling, various publishers including but not limited to Bloomsbury Books, Scholastic Books and Raincoast Books, and Warner Bros., Inc. No money is being made and no copyright or trademark infringement is intended.