Yoshizilla: (predicts curious comments in the future) Yep, I know I'm gonna receive criticism from some, but... (sighs and shrugs) Well, what can I say, ladies and gentlemen? First off, although I'm not a huge fan of his games or series, I do like Conker the red squirrel. Though I will never stoop down to getting an X-Box or an X-Box 360 just for him. You know why? Because apparently, money is the root of everything, and quite frankly, I don't have the right amount of money or patience to go and get it right away. I rather be just quick and get it over with, but yes, despite that and a few other things, I like Conker. And that is precisely why I written this fanfic about him. Enjoy!

Disclaimer: Conker the Squirrel and all related characters and whatever is in this pathetic story belong to Rare Ltd. I can't say Microsoft, because they degraded the poor squirrel with that remake, and I can't say Nintendo, because they gave up the rights to Conker. And plus, they hate him with a passion. Yech.


Conker let out a sigh as he picked up yet another empty bottle of alcohol. "Ugh... there's barely anything to do around here. It' so boring, and too quiet..." He tossed the empty bottle across the throne room, watching it break into pieces.

Silence. Conker swayed his right index finger on the throne, sighing as the dust collected on it. He then turned to his left, and reached for another bottle of alcohol. But much to his surprise...

There was no bottle.

"Hey! That's strange..." Conker said to himself as he noticed that he couldn't feel the top of the bottle, since there was none. "Oh, crap! It seems as if I ran out of alcohol..." He shrugged and stood up from his throne, stretching. "Well, I guess I better scourge the place for more..."

And thus, he started exploring the entire throne room. He checked every window, every cabinet, but alas, he could not find it. Conker then headed into the kitchen, wondering if he would find any alcohol there. He opened the cabinets hanging above the stove and counters, but there were only spices. Conker checked the bathroom to see if any bottles were secretly hid there. He sighed, and shaking his head, he decided to check the former laboratory of the late Ze Professor. Unfortunately, he couldn't find any bottles of alcohol here, either.

"Aw man! My luck is going down the tubes!" Conker cursed, biting his lips as he continued searching. He was determined to get just one more taste of alcohol, when it came to him. "Duh! Why didn't I think of that before?" Jumping out of a window in the throne room, and landing fifty feet on the ground from the castle (breaking a few bones, of course), Conker scattered away, and headed to the Cock and Plucker bar.


Conker tossed away his bright, golden crown, and he placed a black mask over his face. He quietly snuck into the back of the pub, hiding on the wall as the door opened, and the bartender squirrel hummed out. Watching him go, Conker snuck into the pub's back, closing the door. His eyes widened with joy a he grabbed as much bottles as he could, and he then took a large, brown bag out of nowhere and placed all of the bottles in there. Closing it, Conker opened the front door and walked out of the pub, shutting it close. He then turned around, and bumped into a monk. Unfortunately, this caused him to fall over, and the bottles of alcohol bursted into tiny pieces of sharp glass, ripping the brown bag and spreading all over around the front door of the pub. The monk hissed, and it left in another direction.

Conker moaned, rubbing his head, and he looked up, much to his horror, to see all of the alcohol spilled under the pieces of glass. He was in shock. "No...no! My precious...alcohol!" He fell on his face, crying, "NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!"

It was then that the bartender squirrel who left earlier ran up to Conker. "Hey, what's wrong-" He then glanced over, and gasped, to see the pieces of glass and spilt alcohol. "Wha- what the..." He slowly shifted his eyes at Conker, and noticed the black mask over his face. Filled with rage, the bartender squirrel pointed at Conker and bellowed angrily, "You! Thief! What do you think you're going to do with my alcohol, huh!?"

Conker got up, stammering as he pleaded for mercy. "It's not what it's looks like, honest!" He screamed as he was then beaten up by the bartender squirrel with a billy club.

Poor little Conker. He was so miserable and wretched of life, and now he's even more depressed. He lost the only thing he loved, his late girlfriend Berry, he was no longer the king of all the land, he was never to drink any alcohol again, he was punished in jail for the rest of his life, no one in the jail cells would talk to him, Conker was isolated all by himself, he lost all of his inheritance, and...well...

Conker can't win them all. Especially a nice, cold bottle of alcohol.