This is a work in progress. It's kind of based on personal matters. I'm using some of my own issues to write this. I've been working on it when I've worked overnight at my job. I get a lot of time to myself and it's peaceful, so I can do my work.

This will be entirely in journal format.

Please note: The rating is only due to the subject matter.

The Struggle
Chapter 1

January 20, 1998 - Tuesday

I figured that if I start writing things down it might help me feel better. That's what my teammate suggested when he noticed that I haven't been myself lately. He told me that it helped his wife deal with her anxiety and depression by writing.

I've been having these...thoughts, I guess you could say that's what they are. More like dreams, if you will. Dreams that everytime...no...more like flashbacks to the different times I've been with a woman. Even then something didn't feel right, but I thought nothing of it. I find myself having these flashbacks more and more frequently.

I don't even know how to describe it. Every time I was with each of those women, they thought I was a man. That...EVERY...part of me was male. None of them considered the possibility that I wasn't a man. It felt perfectly fine to me then. It didn't bother me at all that they thought what they did. But, the more I think about it, the more I realize that it should have bothered me. I know it would have if I actually felt like a gay female. The problem is that I don't. I find that I feel more like a straight man.

Now that I look back at my life, it all makes since, I was the little tomboy growing up. Dad raised me like the little boy he never had. He's the one that taught me how to dress and act as though I were male. When I told him I liked women, he accepted it, though he blamed himself for it at first, but then soon started to reinforce the male attire and attitude to help protect me. He always told me that it would be easier for me to get a woman if I 'wasn't' a woman. And, to be honest with you, it's worked. It's never felt wrong to me to tell women that I'm a man. I even tried living as a typical butch lesbian, but dad was right, it was so much harder to find another woman that would even remotely be interested in me. Straight women are much more prominent anyway, so much easier to find.

Every once in a while, though, I'll leave me chest binding off and go to the gay bar that's downtown. I tend to spend most of my time chatting with the man that's tending the bar then I do chatting with other women. I feel more volnerable when I don't have that flat chest. I can't make the first step to walk up to a woman that's chatting with some friends and say hi to her. I don't have that confidence in myself.

Jiro was right, this is making me feel better. I'll have to thank him tomorrow morning. It's nearly midnight and I have to get up for a long day of race day training tomorrow.


Yes, Haruka's dealing with transgender thoughts, hense the story's rating. If this is something you cannot handle, I don't recommend reading any more.