The craziness!!!!!! This is probably my most random idea to date, and the most stupid. It took me nearly an hour watching this scene over and over to get all the bits right, that's how sad I am! Total crack, very OOC and yes, I am well aware that the Leader knows what a Jinchurriki is, I just couldn't' think of any other way to make this work.
Disclaimer: don't own Naruto, Don't own Life of Brian, infact, I don't own anything
This is specially for Squid, as I haven't seen her in ages and miss her loads. pokes Squid's forehead foolish little sister:D
Monty Python and the life of Gaara.
Deidara and Sasori entered the chamber containing the demon sealing statue, and the holograms of their comrades. Deidara held up his remaining hand in a salute,
Leader returned he gesture. "Hail!"
"We got the Jinchurriki sir."
Leader nodded appreciatively."Thwow him to the floor."
Sasori shifted inside Hiruko. "You what sir?"
"Thwow him to the floor!" The Leader sounded less cheerful as he repeated himself. Deidara compiled and caused his clay bird to drop its cargo. Gaara fell to the floor with a yelp. Leader wandered over to look at him. "What is your name, child?"
"Gaara, sir." The boy said, wondering where this was going.
He shook his head. "No, no, GAARA."
Deidara smacked him, causing another yelp. The Leader tittered.
"Ho ho the little wascal has spiwit."
Sasori and Deidara looked at each other. The puppet finally ventured;
"Has what sir?"
"Spiwit!" The Leader exclaimed, waving his arms dramatically.
Deidara nodded, "Yes, he did sir."
"No, no, spiwit. Bwavado, a touch of dawing soul."
Sasori shrugged."Oh, about eleven sir."
There was a pause as conversational gears clashed, then Leader turned his attention back to Gaara.
"So, you dare to waid us?"
"To what sir?" The bewildered Kazekage asked.
The Leader scowled. "Stwike him Sasowi, vewy woughly!"
Sasori did, then offered;
"And throw him to the floor again sir?"
The Leader nodded approvingly. "Oh yes, thwow him to the floor again."
Hiruko's tail picked Gaara up by one leg then dropped him. Leader walked around the captive.
"Now demonic wapscalion-"
"I'm not demonic." Gaara interrupted, "I'm a Jinchurriki."
That earned another smack and he yelped, holding his smarting cheek. Leader folded his arms.
"So, you have a demon sealed inside you. Who is it?"
Leader looked sceptical. "Weally? What is its name?"
Deidara laughed loudly, only stopping when the leader turned to him.
"Deidawa, do we know of any demon with that name?"
He blond shook his head. "No sir."
"You sound vewy sure, have you checked?"
He looked surprised."Well, no sir. I think it's a joke sir." A leader's blank stare he elaborated. "Like Imadivy, or...or Biggus Dickus."
There was a faint snicker from amongst the rest of the Akatsuki. Leader just looked puzzled.
"What's so funny about Biggus Dickus?"
Sasori and Deidara exchanged glances; this guy couldn't be for real!
"Well, it's a joke name sir." Sasori enlightened. Leader looked even more bemused.
"But I have a very gweat fwiend in the village of wain called Biggus Dickus."
Hidan let out a noticeable snort, Leader rounded on him.
"Silence! To what do you owe this insolence?" He waved a threatening finger under the immortal's nose. "You will find yourself back in the academy vewy quickly with wotten behaviour like that!"
"Can I go now sir?" Gaara piped up hopefully, but another smack from Deidara shut him up.
Leader glared at his subordinates. "Wait until Biggus Dickus hears of this!"
Hidan couldn't hold in any longer and exploded into laughter, having to hold on to Kakuzu to remain standing. Leader pointed an irate finger at him.
"Wight! Take him away!"
"But, but-"Kakuzu protested, trying to stick up for his partner.
"No, I want him fighting wabbit wired animals within a week!" Leader screamed.
Kakuzu sighed and tugged on Hidan's still shaking shoulder. "C'mon you." They vanished.
"I will not have my fwiends widiculed by common cwiminals!" Leader rounded on the now-silent Akatsuki. And paused, surveying them all. "Anybody ELSE feel like a little giggle-"He snarled, stalking back towards Sasori and Deidara, "When I say the name, Biggus...Dickus?"
There was a snicker.
He swung round and stormed up to Itachi.
"How about you?!" He challenged. "Do you find it weasonable when I say the name-"Itachi let out a curious squeak as he attempted to stay emotionless, "-Biggus Dickus?"
There is nothing quite as strange or funny as seeing the clan- murdering Uchiha Itachi trying his damndest to keep a straight face. There was a snicker from elsewhere and Leader turned to see who it was. When he looked back, Itachi was nearly cross eyed with a glazed expression of concentration. Leader stomped back towards Sasori and Deidara
"He has a wife you know." He announced to the Akatsuki at large. "You know what she's called?"
Heads shook, the criminals braced themselves.
"She's called Incontinentia."
Not so bad.
That did it. Every member of the S-ranked criminal organisation collapsed into laughter.
"Stop, what is all this?!" Leader screamed over the noise. "I've had enough of this webble behaviour!"
Deidara was propping himself up against Hiruko, holding his stomach as he laughed. Itachi was shedding the first and only tears of his life. A deep rumbling from Hiruko masked Sasori's insane giggles and for once both sides of Zetsu were in agreement as they both hooted with laughter. Even Konan and Kisame were clutching at each other for support.
In the confusion Gaara saw his chance and scrambled away. He heard Leader screaming for him to stop and for someone o catch him, but there was no pursuit.
He escaped out into the open air and ran slap bang into Naruto.
"Gaara?!" The fox-boy asked incredulously. "What..?But we were just coming to save you!"
"No need." Gaara said. He jabbed a thumb over his shoulder. "That lot are bloody INSANE!"
And so, Gaara didn't have his demon sucked out, Sasori didn't die, and Leader decided to quit with the whole Akatsuki thing when he realised none of the members respected him anymore.
All in all a happy ending.
I must have been on some amazing stuff when I wrote this! Feel free to review; it'll make Pein a lot happier. :D