Thanksgiving aka Gluttony-Day
SpongeBob slammed open his pineapple door and took a deep breath. He was wearing a skin-tight jogging suit, a sweatband, and earphones blaring fast-paced techno music. After a few toe-touches, he started his power-walking, panting in tune with the music.
Patrick's rock unhinged upward as the sponge passed by. "Lookin' good, SpongeBob!" said the starfish, his back stuck to the bottom of the rock.
SpongeBob gave his friend a thumbs-up and continued down the street. "That's right, SpongeBob!" he said slyly to himself. "After all this power-walking, you are going to be one se—oh hey, Squidward!"
Squidward briefly passed going the opposite direction, riding his recumbent bicycle. Squidward ignored him until he passed, then he put on the brake. "Wait a second. That was that MY skin-tight jogging suit!" He resumed peddling. "Just let it go, Squidward. You don't want it back now…."
"This power-walking sure is better than regular walking!" said SpongeBob merrily as he made his way down the road. "Doo doo doo whoop whoop whoop!" he sang along with the techno music, imitating the sound. "Ooh, I love this part….. ksssssshhh! Cht-chu! Dum, dum, pu-pum—UGH!!" SpongeBob gripped his throat, choking. Music notes had accidentally been inhaled and gotten stuck in his trachea. Clasping his hands together, SpongeBob forcefully punched himself in the abdomen, and the notes flew out of his mouth. "Phew!" he sighed in relief. "But what a second…. those notes didn't taste like happy jogging notes! They were miserably depressing, with a pungent aftertaste of despair. And blueberry."
The string of notes crashed into SpongeBob's "notes," creating an ungodly clash of sound that made SpongeBob recoil in fear.
"Hmm," he said, regaining himself. His eyes followed the source of the notes. "They seem to be coming from…. Sandy's house!" He pulled at his jogging suit. "I shall cheer her up!"
SpongeBob entered the treedome, wearing a water helmet. "Honey, I'm home! Bahahahahaha!" he joked. There was no answer, except the continuing melancholy melody, which seemed to be coming from everywhere at once. "Sandy? Saaaaandy?"
He wandered around, eventually climbing into her tree, where he found her strumming her guitar, sniffling.
"Sandy, what's wrong? Why are you crying?" he asked, taking a seat next to her on the bed.
"I'm just lonely is all." She sighed, putting down the guitar. "Today's Thanksgiving…. I was going to spend it with my folks in Texas, but I just found out they decided to go on vacation and skip it this year."
SpongeBob's face brightened. "I've got an idea, Sandy! Let's do a Thanksgiving, right here right now!"
"We-yeeeell, shoot! That's great idea, SpongeBob! We can do it right here in the treedome!"
"Yeah!" His faced blanked. "Hey Sandy... what's Thanksgiving?"
"Gosh, I forgot y'all sea critters don't have a lot of the holidays we have back in Texas. I'll tell ya aaaaaall about it!"
SpongeBob's pupils grew large as he pulled some popcorn out of hammerspace.
"Thanksgiving is all about family, friends, and food. We gather 'round and eat a feast... turkey, stuffin', mashed potatoes, yams, beans, cranberries, pie, and whatever else you want!"
"Uh-huh. We stuff our faces 'til we can't eat anymore. It's a hoot!"
"That's all there is to Thanksgiving?"
"Well, there's also a bunch of stuff about pilgrims and Indians, but it's tee-ell; dee-double-you."
Sandy pulled out a piece of paper and began scribbling. "I'm writing down everything we need for Thanksgiving."
SpongeBob leaned over her shoulder. "That's a long list..."
"I'll do half, and you do the other," she said, ripping the paper in half.
"OKAY!" he said triumphantly. He took his piece and headed for the door. "Thanksgiving fun, here we come!... hey, that kinda rhymed!"
IN THE PINEAPPLE...
SpongeBob opened up his fancy china collection and selected the largest dish. He placed it on the table and pulled a bottle of bubble soap out of his pocket. Taking a deep breath, he blew a bubble that floated to the dish. He had blown it into a beautiful swan shape, its graceful neck in repose, sparkling in the kitchen light.
"Ah! A turkey!" he said cheerfully.
"Come iiiiiiiiin!" he replied sing-song to the doorbell.
Patrick entered the kitchen, hand up with a wave. "Hiya SpongeBob!"
"Hey, Pat!" SpongeBob picked up the dish with the swan and placed it into the freezer. He closed the door shut and turned to his friend. "By this evening that will have frozen into a lovely Thanksgiving centerpiece!"
"Uhhhh……" Patrick drooled. "What's that, SpongeBob?"
"Thanksgiving? Oh, Sandy told me about it, it's—"
"No, a centerpiece. What's that?"
He blinked. "A decoration for the middle of a table. Don't you want me to tell you about Thanksgiving?"
"It's this holiday Sandy told me about. You eat all kinds of food in a great big feast! You eat until your sides hurt!"
"Pssssh. I do that everyday."
"That's not all. It's also about spending time with those you love!"
"Eating, I guess."
Patrick gave SpongeBob a passing wave. "Whatever. Sandy is always telling us about different holidays. Remember Christmas? It was all about presents….."
"Not just presents! It was also about—"
"Greed, greed, greed," he said mockingly. "And this 'Thanksgiving' is all about…. Uhhh….what's that other 'g' word…. that means…. like…. eating a lot…. Like a—"
"Yeah! It's disgusting!" he said, suddenly shoving a huge submarine sandwich in his mouth and belching loudly.
"Christmas and Thanksgiving are not about greed and gluttony! Wait a second….. why do those two things remind me of something?"
"They remind me of…. Oh, I know this! Don't tell me…..uhhhhh……wait, uhhhh….."
"Oh-my-gosh!" exclaimed SpongeBob. "They're two of the seven deadly sins!"
"They're the sins that—""
"No, a centerpiece. What's a centerpiece?"
"I think you might be on to something, Patrick!" said SpongeBob, ignoring the starfish's stupid comment. "Maybe Sandy's been corrupted by these holidays!"
"Well, then, let's UNcorrupt her."
"We should show her how she's been deceived….. through example! We can make up holidays for the other five sins! Then she'll see her terrible error!"
"We're gonna what?" Patrick's short attention span had expired and he was now mostly paying attention to Gary drinking out of his water bowl. "Heh heh, he drinks with his tongue."
"Come on, Patrick! I'll show you!"
AT THE TREEDOME…….
Nail after nail, SpongeBob hammered the boards in a flash. He placed several pictures up of himself, Krabby Patties, his house, and various awards and trophies, on top of the wooden stand. Atop read a big banner that said "Narcissa-Day." It was surrounded by a large mirror that doubled everything else he'd put on it.
"Ahh," he said, stepping back as he completed his work. "The perfect erection of the essence of pride, wouldn't you say, Patrick?"
"I dunno, SpongeBob. Are you sure she's gonna get what that means?"
"Not by itself, but we still have to do the other four. Let's see….. envy." He put his hand on his head. "Gosh, I don't know what to do for that one….. what're you jealous of, Patrick?"
"Golly, a LOT of things."
"Really? That doesn't seem like you."
"Everywhere I go, I see stuff I wish I had, or wish I could do, or wish I could chew on. Everyone else always has all the fun!"
SpongeBob shrugged. "I guess it's true what they say: the grass is always greener on the other side."
"Great idea, SpongeBob! We'll kill Sandy's grass!"
"What? No! …. why would we do that?"
Patrick struck a match. "So it isn't greener!"
"Patrick, we don't even have grass!"
SpongeBob's words had fallen on deaf ears, as Patrick was already marinating Sandy's lawn with gasoline.
"Ohhh, I get it! Brilliant idea, Pat!"
"Thanks," he said as he tossed the match onto the ground. The grass lit aflame, perhaps a little too quickly.
SpongeBob turned on the hose and sprayed it at the fire. After a few minutes, the flames had subsided and not only was the grass not green anymore, it also did not exist anymore. All that remained was wet, ashy mud.
"Two down, three to go!" said SpongeBob.
"Sloth!" SpongeBob thought for moment. "Ooh, I know! Let's destroy anything that's primary purpose is comfort or relaxation!" He looked around and spied Sandy's log. "Close enough!" Whipping a golf club out of seemingly thin air, he began to pummel the log. "Take this, and that, and this too!" The log snapped in two. "WHOO!" he shrieked like a battle cry. After he quickly sprinted to her picnic table, he started to smash the benches.
SpongeBob approached Patrick, panting. "Why aren't you helping me?"
Patrick was lying on his back, sipping a soda. "It's sloth."
"Come on, I need your help, we still have two more to do!"
Patrick nonchalantly pulled down and peered over the sunglasses he was suddenly wearing. "I'm beginning to question this whole thing."
"You haven't even named the last two."
"We can! If you'd get off your— oh no!" Sandy's figure in the distance caught his eye. "Sandy's just down the road! Quickly! What're the other two?"
Standing up again, Patrick shrugged. "I dunno. I didn't know I knew any of them."
"Oh, I remember! Lust!"
The two exchanged glances before falling on their backs, laughing.
"Ha ha ha ha ha ha!"
"Okay, enough of that," said SpongeBob, standing up and wiping a tear from his eye.
"What's the last one?"
"Ummm…. hold on…."
Patrick pretended to think. "Hmmmm….."
SpongeBob hit his head with his fist. "Think, SpongeBob, think! You know this!"
"It's right of the tip of my tongue…."
"Ooh, it's murder, isn't it?" Patrick pulled out another match.
"Nooooo……. oh, gosh! What is it? This is driving me crazy!"
The hatch on the outside metal door closed.
"Sandy's coming in!" said Patrick, in a panic.
"Ohhhh!! Darn it, I know it! It's… ummm…."
The second door unlatched and opened, and Sandy stepped inside. She froze as her eyes surveyed the scene: her grass was gone, her log and picnic table benches were smashed, and there was a strange stand with SpongeBob memorabilia on it. Her face turned red with anger as her eyes fell upon the two responsible.
"SPONGEBOB!! PATRICK!!" she screamed, seething with fury.
"That's it!" said SpongeBob gleefully. "Wrath!"
Sandy launched into a chase, running circles after them. "Y'all gonna pay for what ya did to my treedome!" They screamed in fear as they fled.
SpongeBob slipped in the mud and fell onto his face. Her turned over slowly as Sandy loomed after him.
"Wait, Sandy!" he said. "Before you pummel me….. hear me out. We were only trying to show you how your Texan holidays are part of the seven deadly sins and—"
"You're only adding fuel to the fire, SpongeBob!" she said, growing angrier with each word.
"Okaaaay." He quickly thought of something that might pacify her rage. "Well then let me say this. Maybe this isn't how you planned to spend your Thanksgiving, but at least you're not alone. You're spending it with friends," he said with a grin.
She smiled back. "That's true." Then her face fell. "But it's not changing anything."
And for the rest of the day, she karate kicked and chopped the two, as they pleaded in vain for her forgiveness.
Please do not overanalyze this story. Believe me when I say there is no intended "message" or anything of that nature. I'm not religious at all, I just thought this was an amusing idea and went with it.
Happy Thanksgiving, everyone!
Oh, and don't forget to review! Please?? I'm begging :D