The Thorn Bush
Author's Note: Mwaha! Yes, finally I have made an official, Fanfiction attempt at a humor, and who better to do it with then Team Hebi? This one-shot's in dedication to Extra Ren because she herself is the queen of friggen awsome one-shot's and this is only a smidged of the praising she is deserves. I am not worthy. Hehe, enjoy everyone and I can't wait to see how this goes!
Warning: Cursing, Crack-fic, Out of Charecter, Implied Sexual Situations, Slightly Disturbing, Not for the Pregnant or Faint of Heart.
Summary: Team Hebi takes the term 'Peeping Tom' to a whole new level. Finally, their big boy Sasuke is growing up and becoming a man, but this time they're gonna see first hand just how much of a 'man' he actually is.
OW, OW, WHAT THE HELL, KARIN? Watch where you throw those thorns. We're in a fucking bush for Christ's sake. Are you sure you know the right way, 'cuz I think your head got knocked around so many times that your senses are leading us in the wrong direction.
Be quiet, Suigetsu. No one asked for your comments and I don't give a fucking damn if you get thorn's up your fucking ass. You probably like it because it reminds you of when yo' mama's boyfriend used to stick his dick up there all night long and-
FUCK YOU, KARIN! THAT WAS, LIKE, SEXUAL HARASSMENT!
...But Suigetsu-san, I just herd you last night moaning the words 'ohh step-daddy', and you were positioning that pinecone at a very odd angle against your-
L-LIES! ALL LIES! BOTH OF YOU ARE BRINGING UP VERY PAINFUL MEMORIES OF MY CHILDHOOD AND-
Suigetsu, you fucking shit, it was last week. We still have pictures of when the both of you were about to do that one position... that number... uhh... OH YEAH, SIXTYNI-
I believe I can see Sasuke-san now. He's standing over there in that clearing beside a very pretty lady. Where have we seen her before...
WUH-HUH-HO! I'd recognize that tiiiiight ass anywhere. Its that pretty medic from the Leaf village. Oh, lord Kami-sama has finally listened to my prayers!
...What... The Hell... Is She Doing... WITH MY SASUKE-KUUUUUU-
Karin, you stupid dyke, be quiet for fuck's sake! We're supposed to be spying on him, hence sitting in a huge bush with thorns stuck up my ass.
Yeah, but you like it because it reminds you of when yo' mama's boyfriend stuck hi-
WILL YOU SHUT THE FUCK UP? ITS GETTING OLD NOW!
Sasuke-san is removing his shirt... But it is so cold. I do not understand, are we not supposed to dress warmly in this type of weather? And now he is making some sort of low growling noise with his throat. How very peculiar...
...So... Yummy... WHAT THE HELL, WHY IS THAT BITCH STAIRING AT HIS ASS...SETS! ASSESTS! YEAH!
Well, you see Jungo, when the male wants to attract a female mate, he impress's her with his bodily gifts and then does his mating call, like so, and after that he will-
LIKE, WTF? ZOMFG! STFU, SUIGETSU!
Why is Sasuke-san now holding the pretty girl in his arms so tightly? And what is that strange technique he is doing with his lips? Is it to impale her of some sort?
...Jungo... Not another word.
But I am merely inquiring as to why Sasuke-san is now putting his tongue down her throat and why his hands are clutching very tightly to her lower r-
I SAID NOT ANOTHER WORD, DAMN IT! IF YOU SAY ANOTHER THING ABOUT MY SASUKE-KUN THEN I'LL CUT OFF YOUR DICK AND SHOVE IT UP SUIGETSU'S A-
Oi, you two wanna, like, shut up for two seconds? Sasuke's about to get it ON!
SHUT THE FUCK UP, SUIGETSU! Sasuke-kun is merely touching that ugly freak over there because he pity's her horribly looking face and's only showing her compassion because she was probably shunned her entire life for being so deformed and horrendous. Ohh, how I love sensitive men! He's just so perfect, so handsome, so kind, so caring, so emotional, so-
...Karin, are you fucking shitting me?
I do not think Sasuke-san would be too pleased if he found out that we were here in these bushes watching him begin to mate with that girl over there...
OH HELL YEAH! I HOPE HE DOES.
Jungo, you don't know what the hell your talking about. My Sasuke-kun would never ever cheat on me with some ugly whore with pink hair. Pink. I mean, how stupid is that? A girl having pink hair. Degrading to all women if you ask me. I say we just take out the torcher devices and-
Why is Sasuke-san now ripping off that shirt that the girl is wearing, Karin-san? I thought that women did not like it when their clothes were ruined.
HE'S NOT RIPPING IT OFF, IT JUST SLIPPED, OK?
Yeahh baby, thats it... Mhmmm... C'mon, Sasuke the bra hook is just a little lower. Thats it, right there, c'mon big boy! OH, OH, maybe she'll take off his pants with her teeth.
SILENCE YOU INSUFFERABLE PATHETIC WORM! Sasuke-kun is just having male urge's and is taking them out on her because she's the closest thing to him with a hole. BUT THERE'S NO WAY THAT HE'D GO ALL THE WAY! HE HAS ME AFTER ALL.
Then, Karin-san, if Sasuke-san wants to release these male urges that you speak of, why does he not use you because the both of you are so in love as you say you are?
...W-well... Theres a s-simple explanation for that... and its... Uh... W-well its... Umm... Uhh...
I SAID BE QUIET, YOU ASS WHIPE! Now, Jungo, help me take out all of the tasers and electrical appliances and the chain saw and the blow torch and-
Ohhh! YEAH! PINK PANTIES! I think I'm in haven...
-and the barny sound track and the bazooka and the machine gun and the sledge hammer and-
Heh heh, looks like Sasuke's already taken care of the 'Sledge Hammer' if you know what I'm saying... Hehehe. THERES GONNA BE SOME UCHIHA BABY MAKING TONIGHT MAN!
Suigetsu, I sware on your dog, Commodore Wholio Esteban Fernando Rodrigues's grave, that if you so much as THINK of another-
Suigetsu-san, this is how babies are made? But I thought you said the other day that baby's came from lawn gnomes that sprouted magic little sugar cookies that turn into-
WELL FORGET WHAT I SAID, IT WAS A LIE, OK?
...Hehe, wrong move there, dipshit.
...Why did you lie to me, Suigetsu-san? I thought you were Jungo's friend, and friends do not lie to their friends. Does this mean that you could be lieing to me now and that Sasuke-san and the pretty lady are not making babies?
YES! Suigetsu's lieing, Jungo! Sasuke-kun is DEFINITELY NOT making babies with that whore, he's gonna reconstruct the clan with ME!
...So, then how are babies made?
Hehe, nice going, dipshit.
...Uhh, w-well you see... Up in the clouds live's... Uhhh... Legion of... Umm... Uhh... Platypuses! And... Uhh, so you see, they umm... take this special... ummm... PINECONE!-
Like the one Suigetsu-san uses when he puts it up his a-
EXACTLY! And umm... then they-
...So you are saying that Suigetsu-san puts magic platapuse's pine cones up his anus... That will become babies...?
W-WAIT, WHAT THE HELL! WHAT ARE YOU GUYS SAYING ABOUT ME?!?!
...So, really, Suigetsu-san is not putting pinecones up his anus but unborn babies?
But is that not called child molestation, Karin-san? Does that mean that Suigetsu-san is a child molestor?
-W-Whaaaat! N-no, I d-didn't! I-I-I-I-I... KARIN, YOU FUCKING BITCH, I'M GONNA-
Would you three please be quieter? We wouldn't want Sasuke-kun to know we're here, would we?
GYAAAAA! K-Kabuto? W-What the fuck are you doing here all alone?!?!
Excuse me, Karin, but I too am also here.
GYAAAAAAA! OROCHIMARU'S VOICE IS COMMING OUT OF KABUTO!
...Kabuto-san ate Orochimaru-sama?
No, you brainless worm. I am just using Kabuto-kun here as a part time host until I can have my beloved Sasuke-kun back.
...Whatever floats your boat, man.
Oh for Christ's sake, first I need to compete with that stupid pink haired bitch over there and now with the pedophile snake-man? THIS IS CRUEL AND UNUSUAL PUNISHMENT!
But, Karin-san, I thought you said there is no competition and that you were Sasuke-san's only love.
...I believe the term for that, Karin-chan, is Pwned.
YEAH, NICE ONE OROCHIMARU!
Very good comeback, my beloved Orochimaru-sama. I praise your ever genius.
...Y-YOUR ALL OBSESSED! HE'S NOT REAL, HE'S IN KABUTO FOR CHRIST SAKE!
Yeah, Karin, I bet you wish you were in Kabuto too.
...That could be arranged...
...WHY YOU LITTLE MOTHER FU-
Why is Sasuke-san now positioning himself at a very odd angle against the pretty lady? Does he not know that he could crush her very easily...
YES, MY BEAUTIFUL SASUKE-KUN! CRUSH HER, CRUUUUUUUUUSHE HER!
Tsk, tsk, Karin. Why on earth would we want Sasuke-kun to crush her? That would not be very good at all. If she was crushed then how on earth would he be able to ejaculate in h-
Oi, aren't you, like, Sasuke's fanboy? Then why are you all excited n'shit that he's getting it ON!
DO NOT ADDRESS MY OROCHIMARU-SAMA LIKE THAT! HE MOST CERTAINLY IS NOT THE UCHIHA'S-
Well, actually, I am quite pleased that Sasuke-kun is mating with that lovely girl over there. Now when they have babies-
HIS BABIES WILL BE MINE!
-I will have more of a slection as to who's body will be more fit for myself.
...So Orochimaru-sama is like Suigetsu-san and likes to use babies bodies for his plea-
I SAID I DON'T MOLEST BABIES!
Ohh! Look, Kabuto-kun, Sasuke-kun is useing the technique that you and I showed him the time we had on our leather jumpers and steel chains!
And here I thought all these years that Sasuke-kun was gay too...
Oh. My. God. All of you are INSAINE!
Insaine to the membrane.
Insaine, got no brain.
...Dude, never again man.
I really do not understand what Sasuke-san is doing at all. Now he is bouncing up and down at such an alarming pace. I am not sure if the pretty lady is enjoying it or not because she keeps calling out to Lord Kami-sama and is screaming and-
STOP! NO HE'S NOT, THATS ENOUGH, EVERYONE JUST SHUT THE FUCK UP, OK?!?!
HEEEEEEWWWLLLL YEAH! THIS IS EVEN BETTER THEN THE TIME I WATCHED KARIN MASTURBATE WITH THAT CHICKEN WHILE I HAD MY PRECIOUS PINECONE AND-
W-What the h-hell are you t-talking about! DON'T BELIEVE THIS FOOL!
Suigetsu-san, I do not believe that the unborn babies take much pleasure when you use them to push up your b-
Ahhh, yesssssssssssss. Just look at that, my friends. 'Tis the circle of life. Ahh, love is such a beautiful thing...
...Kabuto, what have you done to him?
OOOOOOOOOOOOOOO DAMN! LOOK AT THAT! I'VE NEVER SEEN THAT POSITION BEFORE!
Sasuke-san seem's so skilled with his toung.
I said shutup, Jungo...
Well, I was Sasuke-kun's teacher for three years, I didn't just teach him jutsu, you know...
Karin's getting mad now...
Hm, I guess the pretty lady really is enjoying herself if she is kind enough to lick Sasuke-san's "no no's". I do not understand how she can do it though, I mean, he does pee from ther-
...Eh, eh, guys, listen to this... I can see whats happening.
And they don't have a clue.
They'll fall in love and heres the bottom line...
...Oh my god, your shitting me right?
Our Six-some's down to two... Well, actually five but it doesn't rhyme.
...Hehe, that's kinky.
THIS IS A FUCKING DISNEY MOVIE SONG! WHY ARE YOU SINGING IT WHILE SASUKE-KUN'S FUCKING THE SHIT OUTTA-
So you admit that he is indeed mating with that pretty lady, Karin-san?
Ze sweet caress of twilight.
NO! NO! THATS ENOUGH, STOP IT! HE'S MINE, I TELL YOU, MINE!
Theres magic everywhere.
Oh my god, this is SICK! ALL OF YOU ARE ARE FUCKING SICK! MAKE IT STOP, MAKE IT STOP!
With all this romantic atmosphere...
DISASTER'S IN THE AIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIR!
Caaaaaaaaaan you feel the lo-
...No, Suigetsu. Its done.
B-But I thought...
Dude, don't like, ruin it.
I do not understand Sasuke-san at all. Now he is just hunching himself above her for a good period of time after the bouncing and seems to be breathing deeply. Ahh, now he is starting with the tonge jutsu again, but this time he's-
OH, LET ME SEE!
You insufferable human, move so I too may be aroused.
OROCHIMARU-SAMA WANTS TO BE AROUSED! MOVE YOU FUCKING FART-KNOCKER.
What the hell, shut up and get outta my way, FART-KNOCKER.
NOW I CAN'T SEE! BOTH OF YOU MOVE, FART-KNOCKER'S!
OW, OW! MY EYE! LET ME SEE, LET ME SEE! FART-KNOCKER'S!
Ok, who smells that?
AW SHIT, THATS DISGUSTING! SOMEONE REALLY IS A FART-KNOCKER!
Jungo's nose wants to fall off.
...Orochimaru-sama, don't you have something to say?
Suigetsu-san, the strange ritual is finished. Sasuke-san is now simply holding the pretty lady and pressing his lips all over her. Is this is what is called ...Love?
NO, NO DAMNIT, NO! SHE'S HOLDING THE UCHIHA BABIES IN HER! DAMNIT, HELP ME CUT OUT HER UTERIS!
...You know... That does sound kinda dirty...
Yes, Jungo-kun, this is love.
N-NO ITS NOT! THIS ISN'T REAL! IT CAN'T BE... THAT STUPID BITCH IS USEING A GENJUTSU ON HIM! RELEASE! RELEASE DAMN IT! RELEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEASE!
Karin, admitting you have a problem is the first step to recovery.
...But Suigetsu-san, you still will not admit that you too have a problem with the baby pinecone's and-
Um, do any of you know why Sauske-kun has now gotten up and is stairing intently at the bush we are in?
...H-He's stretching is all... O-Or maby he's done with her and-
Oh, Sasuke-san's eyes are the pretty red color again! Jungo likes red.
Great. Now he's walking this way. Good move, Fart-Knockers.
CRAP! HE SEE'S US! ABORT MISSION! ABORT, ABORT!
SHIT, EVERYONE RUN FOR IT!
GEYAAAA! DAMN IT MOVE THAT TWIG OUTTA MY FACE SUIGETSU!
LET US THROUGH FIRST! OROCHIMARU-SAMA'S LIFE IS MORE IMPORTANT THEN YOURS!
GET OUT OF OUR WAY! AS SOON AS I GET MY GIANT SNAKE BACK ALL OF YOU ARE-
JUNGO DOES NOT WANT TO BE HURTED BY SASUKE-SAN! HE IS FRAGILE!
DAMN IT, I'M TOO BEAUTIFUL TO DIE! AND I TOLD YOU TO GET THAT TWIG AWAY FROM MY FACE SUIGET-...thats not a twig, is it.
-sound effect: 'Crackle...'
"..."...Fuck, there goes my pinecone.