Note: So my cousin and I were talking about some of the crazy things about OoT, and suddenly the idea for this oneshot was born. In a word, this is craziness. Review, please!

Disclaimer: Uh…I don't own Zelda. Yup.

Got Milk?

So, there are plenty of perks about being the Hero of Time. I'm not gonna deny it. You get great hair, a freaking awesome armory, and a ton of gorgeous chicks drooling over you. Oh yeah, it's nice.

But, there's more out there.

Yeah, yeah, beating up the bad guy and saving the world is all well and good, but what about the things that really matter? C'mon, you know what I'm talking about. Who doesn't?

Let's face it, I'm talking about money.

It all sort of happened after the Dumb Blonde Damsel got saved, Ganondorf was sealed away, and all that jazz. Excitement cooled down a bit, no cute girls got kidnapped, and no monsters were lurking in huge temples saying, "Beat me up! Beeeat me!"

I got bored, folks.

Now I don't know about you, but when I get bored, I look for something to do. At first, it was Poe collecting. Tch, that got old fast. Then it was chicken herding. Booooring. And then I stumbled upon horse racing at Lon Lon Ranch. Cute girl plus horse racing equals a good time. Ooooh yeah.

So, this Malon chick tells me that she'll give me something real good if I win the race, right? I just have to beat her record. Now, I didn't know what the prize was, but the point was that I thought I did. C'mon, you look into her eyes and tell me you don't see some sort of attraction there!

Well, I win. Of course. This is the Hero of Time we're talking about, remember? And so I get ready for my oh-so-wonderful "prize."

I came home to find a fat, stinking cow sitting on the floor of my treehouse. A COW. The whole tree practically shook under the gigantic thing's weight. How Malon got the thing up there, I will never know.

The point was, it was up there, and it wasn't coming back down.

So, what's a hero to do? Well, when life gives you cows, make milk.

So I did.

I pulled out my pretty sweet ocarina and played a catchy little tune, and before you know it, that cow was filling my bottles to the brim with milk. Which was kinda cool, I guess.

But it got cooler.

So I went outside, and this Kokiri girl walked up to me, okay? And I was drinking my milk, cause that's what you do when you've got your own personal cow, and she was all like, "What's that?"

I told her it was milk.

"Can I try it?"

"Get your own cow."

"Oh." She got all quiet, then finally said, "We Kokiri can't really go outside the forest…your cow is the only one here, I think."

And then it dawns on me: the chick is right!

I'm the only one with a cow in their treehouse!

Suddenly I'm stocking up on bottles, putting up signs, and milking Bessy like no tomorrow. Because I realize, I could make a business with this cow. I could introduce milk to a whole new market: the Kokiri! At the price of fifty rupees per bottle, who could refuse? Hey—it's called a monopoly. I don't think anyone else is going to shove a cow up their tree anytime soon, do you?

Before I know it, BAM! Kokiri chicks and dudes are lined up at my treehouse, craving for some dairy goodness. And they want more…and more…and before I know it, I am LOADED. Seriously, if I had done this years ago, I wouldn't have had to roll in grass all the time searching for rupees.

It's been a few good, prosperous years.

I raked in so many rupees I made myself a little bar—Link's Milk Bar, to be exact. Uncreative name, yeah, but it gets the point across. Mido works as my personal dishwasher, since he got into debt for all the milk he took on credit. I constantly have a milk-thirsty Kokiri girl or two hanging on my arm, and needless to say, Saria has certainly been a big help to business. I'll tell you what: she is a WAY better milkmaid than a Sage.

Anyway. I'm doing pretty well, if I do say so myself. I'm thinking about expanding my enterprises to Goron City—that's another untapped market right there. And I have to wonder, why on earth did I think this hero thing was the best shtick a guy could ask for? No whiny blondes, no dungeon baddies to slay, no talky owls to obey: in the milk business, you just need the right cow, the right market, and the right price.