Kimmy: Ok whoever's reading this—brace yourself.
Bella: (Twitch) I-- (twitch) –want--(twitch)--blood! (twitch)
Edward: Relax my love. Carlisle has put together quite a loverly program for savage vampires such as
Bella: (Double twitch.)
They enter the Cullen's house and head for the living room. All the furniture has been removed.
In it's place is a half-circle of chairs and a podium. Carlisle stands at the podium and greets them cheerfully--
Carlisle: Ah, Edward! Bella! Come and join us we were just about to get started.
Edward pulls Bella to the two vacant seats at the edge of the half-circle. Occupying the rest of the circle is Alice, Charlie, Rosalie, Mike, Emmett, Jessica and Jasper. They all settle in and grow quiet. Mike whimpers, Charlie looks grumpy and Jessica keeps up her constant chatter with Emmett.
Jessica:...And then he was like 'I love you baby' and then I was like 'I love you more!'--
Carlisle: Right then! The meeting has officially come to order. Let us all start with the pledge. (Holds up his right hand and sticks out his pinky. Everyone follows his example except Rosalie.)
All: I am a nice vampire. Not a mindless eating machine. If I am to change this image, I must first change myself. Humans are friends, not food.
Jasper: Except stinkin' werewolves!
Alice: Werewolves! Yeah they think they're so cute-- "Oh look at me I'm a furry little werewolf let me howl for ya, ain't I somethin'!"
Carlisle: Right then, today's meeting is step five; bring a human friend. Now, have you all got your friends?
Rosalie: (Bored) Got mine. (Points to Mike, who is practically peeing his pants in fear.)
Emmett points to Jessica, who still hasn't stopped talking.
Jessica:...And then we all were like, let's go see Spiderman 3! But then that one girl was like nooooo let's go see Pirates 3 instead...
Alice: (Excitedly) Got mine! (She throws an arm around Charlie, who cringes at her brute strength.)
Jasper: (Shifts uncomfortably) Um, I seem to have misplaced my, erm, friend. (Pats the corners of his mouth delicately with a bloody napkin)
Rosalie: Here, you can have mine. (She tosses Mike with one hand and Jasper catches the terrified boy.) I'm outta here. (Leaves the room. Mutters-) Weirdos.
Emmett: (To Jessica) That's my wifey. (Giggles) She's hot huh?
Carlisle: Good! I'll start the testimonies. Hello! My name is Carlisle.
All: (Bored, monotone) Hello Carlisle.
Carlisle: It has been three centuries since my last human, on my honor, or I will be chopped up and made into soup.
(Edward claps the hardest)
Edward: You're an inspiration to all of us!!!
Carlisle: Right then! Who's next?
Jessica: Ooo! Ohh! Oh! Pick me! Pick me!
Carlisle: Yes, the little human there in the front.
She and Carlisle switch places.
Carlisle: (Aside to Edward) Where's Bella?
Edward's eyes grow wide and teary and he leaps to his feet.
Edward: My love! Where have you gone?!
Jessica: Hi, I'm Jessica!
All: Hello, Jessica.
Edward spots Bella just about to drag Mike into the kitchen. He takes out a squirt bottle.
Edward: (Squirting) Bad Bella! Bad Bella!
Edward: So sorry, Mike. (He tosses Mike with one hand back to Jasper)
Jessica: And, um, well I don't think I've ever eaten a human. Heh.
All pause, confused. Alice begins to clap.
Alice: Hey that's incredible!
Emmett: Good on ya!
Jessica: (Sighs and wipes her forehead) Oh, I'm so glad I got that off my chest.
Edward and Bella rejoin the circle.
Carlisle: Right then! Who's next? Charlie?
Charlie: Wh-who me?
Alice: Tell us about your problem.
Charlie: Uh, well, I-I don't have a problem.
All vampires: Denial!
Alice gives Charlie a gentle shove towards the podium that sends him flying over it instead.
Charlie: (Groans) That—was--too--hard! (He staggers to his feet.)
Carlisle: Just start with your name. (Glances at Edward and notices) Now where's Bella off too?
Edward: (Fists in hair) My loooove! How could you leave meee?! (Sprints for the kitchen)
Charlie: Um, hello? My name is Charlie. I'm the sheriff of Forks.
Alice: (Bouncing excitedly) Really? Really?!
Charlie: Erm, yes.
Edward finds Bella has managed to get Jessica on top of the kitchen table.
Jessica: (Oblivious, as Bella sprinkles some salt and pepper over her) And then I was like, oh no you didn't! And then he was like, oh yes I did! (Bella squeezes a lemon) So I like totally broke up with him and then we were like so totally over and I really--
Edward leaps forward just as Bella is about to chow down.
Edward: Pardon me, Jessica. (Tosses her back to Emmett) I do believe we're going to have to take extra
precautions my love. (He fastens Bella in a straight jacket.)
Charlie: So there's this mollusk, erm, no, wait, there's this enemeny, who walks up to the mollusk. No, well it can't walk, so I guess it swam up to the mollusk. So this enemeny swims up to this mollusk and--
(Emmett leans over to Jasper)
Emmet: You know, for a sheriff he's not very funny.
Charlie: --and um, (gasp) Bella! What are you doing?!
Bella: (As she's dismembering a squirrel) Mmph mmmm!
Edward: The light of my life says "I'm eating!"
Charlie: (Shudders. To Edward-) I hate you.
Edward: I love you.
Charlie: (Double take) What?!
Edward: (Begins to whistle)
Carlisle: So, who's next?
Emmett: Uh, I'll go!
Carlisle: Good man! Up you go.
As Emmett goes to stand, Bella starts to knaw at her straight jacket.
Bella: (Snarl, chew, grunt.)
Edward slaps her hand, then brings out the squirt bottle.
Edward: (Squirting) Bad Bella! Bad Bella!
Emmett: Hello, my name is Emmett.
All: Hello, Emmett.
Emmett: It has been 103 years since my last human, on my honor, or I'll be ripped apart by our dearest Bella here.
Bella: (Twitchedy twitch)
Charlie: I can't take this anymore! (Stands to leave)
Carlisle: Hold on there, Charlie.
Alice pulls Charlie back down, but a little too roughly. He crashes through his chair.
Carlisle: We need to officially bring the meeting to a close. And, as you all know, we have a new member with us! Bella, why don't you stand up and tell us a little about yourself.
Bella slowly stands.
Bella: Um, (twitch) hi, my name is Bella.
All: Hello, Bella.
Bella: And I just became a (twitch) vampire.
Carlisle: Everyone, let's give Bella a warm welcome.
Everyone claps and Alice and Edward cheer.
Carlisle: And from this day forward you shall henceforth be known as, (dramatic pause) Wolfbait.
Vampires: Wolfbait OO-HA-HA!
Carlisle: Welcome, Wolfbait!
Vampires: Wolfbait OO-HA-HA!
Carlisle: Enough with the Wolfbait.
Edward: Woflbait!...oo...ba ba...doo.
Charlie: So now that you've transformed, renamed, and literally stolen my daughter as well as the chance for me to ever have grandchildren, can I go now?
Carlisle: (Thinks, considers) Yes.
Charlie bolts for the door. Alice's lip trembles.
Mike: Can I go too?
Carlisle: (Sighs heavily) If you must.
Mike bolts for the door. The rest of the vampires turn and look at Jessica.
Jessica: Um, do I need to go too?
Bella suddenly leaps from her seat and lunges for Jessica.
Bella: Mine! Mine! MINE! ACKKK!
Edward has pulled hard on a leash attached to her straight jacket. She is yanked backwards and lands hard on her back.
Bella: Oof! (Sniffle) You hurt meeeeeee...
Readers: Ugh! Again with the crying.
Carlisle: Yes, Jessica, perhaps you should go.
Jessica: Fine then. (She leaves.) See ya Emmy!
Emmett: (Blushes) Bye.
Rosalie is suddenly in the room, right next to him.
Rosalie: Oh, so it's Emmy now?
Emmett: So what if it is? Huh?!
Rosalie: Don't talk back to me mister! I haven't hunted for a week!
Emmett: Then go on! Go on and hunt! See if I care!
Rosalie: I think I will! But first we're going to couples therapy.
Emmett: Aw, Rosey...
Emmett: ...See ya guys.
All: See ya
Bella and Edward are kissing passionately.
Edward: I love you!
Bella: (Twitch) I love you more!
Edward: No, I love you more!
Bella: (Pause) Yeah, you probably do.
Edward: Even if they make a movie that does our story of passion absolutely no justice!
Bella: Even if I'm played by some gorgeous actress!
Edward: And even if they totally butcher the plot by trying to fit all three books into one script!
Stephanie Meyer: Ok that's it! Who's writing this piece of crap!
Kimmy: Um...(Slowly shuffles away from her lap top)