impossible emotion


It hurts him. It's impossible but true, as he weaves his web of lies and deceit, it hurts him to know that he's going to betray her. But then the empty space of a heart hardens. They don't exist. They can't feel pain.

So he betrays her. Simple as that.

He feels no pain. No sorrow. He can't. So he betrays others, and the emptiness expands and expands. And the hurt grows less and less. He separates himself from it. Repeats over and over, I can't feel pain. Larxene is dead. I can't feel pain. Roxas has left. I can't feel pain. No pain.

It's a lie, but he refuses to acknowledge this. I can't feel pain, can't feel pain, no sorrow, no feelings. That's what's supposed to be true. He repeats it over and over, until he almost believes it. But he never will.

Bursts of anger, bursts of happiness, bursts of feelings, they all prove that he has emotions, but it's impossible. So he becomes more uncontrollable than ever.


He keeps all this to himself. Nobody else could understand; there's nothing to understand, there's no problems, this is how he's supposed to be, all empty. He doesn't exist. Yet he does. What a paradox. He gives up on understanding his "emotions".

He gets these strange urges. Uncontrollable. His moods flash back and forth so quickly, it makes him dizzy. Gotta help them...why? There's nothing in it for him.

He steels himself for his latest impulse. A perfectly formed plan. Kidnap that girl...Kairi, yes, that's right. Get back at the Organization somehow. Help Sora. Get Roxas back.

Okay, so it's not a perfectly formed plan. But it's enough. He summons a portal, and pushes all of his non-being through. To appear on a beach.

He's always loved the ocean. The girl is there. She is staring out to sea. Her red hair (not that much different in shade than his own) hangs loosely to her shoulders, and her eyes, blue, just the way Roxas described them, crystal-clear. He attempts a smile at the girl.

"One of life's little rules," he continues, "got it memorized?" From force of habit he uses his traditional phrase. She looks shocked at a person appearing out of nowhere, but her eyes are steely. He can tell she summons all her courage before speaking.

"Who are you?" she ventures, and he proceeds to explain. But something in the girl's eyes prompts him to tell her the truth, or at least a little of it. And he sees in her eyes that she understands.

This scares him. Nobody can understand him. Not even himself. But he sees the regret, written all over her face, along with sheer hatred, just for a split second. She reminds him of someone he once knew...


She had seen it all. She felt like she knew him. She didn't know who the people were, but she knew the emotions. So when she's told he's a Nobody, with no emotions, she knows it's impossible. He was the first one to relate to her in that whole year when Sora and Riku were gone.

And what scares her even more is the look on Sora's face when she mentions him. Sorrow, beyond compare, a mirror image of the expression on his face. She starts to piece together the mystery. He had said he was an acquaintance of Sora's, but he must have been closer than that. Sure, Sora had always been the type to feel sorry for people he'd never met, but this expression; no, they must have been close friends. Best friends.

But how...she dismisses the thought. This means that he must have seen it, too. The emotions. The undeniable feelings in someone who has none. "Sora..."

The Keyblade Master looks up at her, a small smile on his face, but his eyes are very serious. She tries not to read his emotions, but they are too clear. She wants to burst out that she just wanted to say she was glad he was back, but Sora's not that dumb. And she has to know.

"What happened to Axel?"

He says nothing, but his expression tells her everything she needs to know. Two sorrowful pairs of blue eyes gaze into each other, in the silence. Finally, he speaks.

"He said...he said he was sorry."

Kairi can't hold it in anymore. She starts sobbing. Sora sits beside her and takes her hand. She leans on his shoulder, glad for the comfort.

And together, they cry for the lost Nobody.