I've never written any Naruto fanfiction before, figured it's about damn time. I do not own Naruto, if I did Sasuke would be less of a character and more like than old guy you see for two seconds during the Chunin exams and the manga would be called ROCK LEE!(Now featuring Naruto.) Also, this will be yaoi, kinda. If you think about it.
Saturday mornings in Konoha were almost always bright and sunny, and no matter what miserable task Tenten had to do on a Saturday she made a solemn pact with herself to enjoy the morning with a big smile on her face. She skipped down the dusty paths, listened to the trilling birds and savoured the smell of freshly cooked ramen as she passed the ramen shop. She was determined it was going to be a good day.
"FOUR HUNDRED THOUSAND YEN?!?"
Her determination had gone right out the window.
"Four hundred thousand yen…"
It was going to be a very bad day.
"Seriously Lee! Four hundred thousand yen?!?"
Lee was perched at the very edge of his seat with his knees pulled up to his chest. For his nerves, he said. The bill, with the total amount due written in big red letters, sat on the small coffee table looking up at them. Tenten paced back and forth across the small living space.
"What am I going to do? I don't have that kind of money!" Lee moaned. He was rubbing the space between his eyebrows with the tips of his fingers. Tenten wished he'd stop; the motion was making her feel sick.
"I don't think even the Hokage has that kind of money. How could you let this happen, Lee?"
Lee slumped in his chair, looking so miserable that Tenten felt like hugging him and smacking him at the same time. She did neither though.
"My rent went up while I was recovering after the Chunin exams. And I had to quit my job."
"You had a job?"
"Yeah. Shucking hay bales on Tezuka's farm. They found someone else when I was in the hospital. I haven't been able to find any work since."
Tenten felt a rush of guilt burn through her. They were team-mates, but she hadn't even known he rented the tiny flat he lived in, or that he worked to pay for it. She said a silent prayer of thanks that both her parents were alive and she had a roof over her head.
"Well, don't worry," she said, clapping a reassuring hand on his shoulder. "We'll think of something."
They brainstormed all through the morning until it turned midday and they needed to eat, so they went to the ramen shop. (Tenten paid for both; although Lee had been too proud to accept at first he had to admit he hadn't eaten properly for several days and it would affect his training.) Then they returned to the flat to brainstorm some more.
They came to the conclusion that there are a few types of people that make money fast. They wrote them down on a sheet and crossed them out as they discussed their options.
Bank Robbers: With his talents as a shinobi, robbing a bank and avoiding the subsequent police search would have been a cake walk for Lee. (Mmm, cake!) However, his sense of honour would not allow him to do such a terrible thing. He was outraged that Tenten would even suggest such a thing.
Supermodels: They both had a good laugh at this one.
Film actors: It took years for GOOD actors to break into big-budget film work. And Lee couldn't act his way out of a wet paper bag.
Millionaires: Well, they were born rich, weren't they? The bastards.
Pro athletes: This would have been a good one, but all shinobi villages had signed an agreement that no ninja was permitted to become a pro because it would be grossly unfair on the other athletes who had no ninja skills.
That only left one: Pop idol.
"Just consider it!"
"No! I can't sing! I can barely whistle!"
"You don't have to be able to sing! Look at this."
Tenten held up a copy of some trashy magazine she'd brought from home. It was full of young girls with sweet smiles, glossy hair and Technicolor outfits.
"See her?" Tenten asked, pointing at a pretty blonde in a yellow minidress. "Her new single went to number five in a week and it's complete rubbish!"
"How do you know it's rubbish?" Lee asked.
"Cos I bought it, but that's not the point. Nobody cares what she sounds like, she's cute and perky!"
"Well that's lovely. But you're forgetting something," Lee said, with uncharacteristic sarcasm.
"What's that?" Tenten asked, flipping through the magazine.
"I'm not a girl, and I'm under no illusions that I'm cute enough to pass as one," he said, and flipped over a page in the notebook. Were there any other options?
"Don't give up on the idea so soon! Have you ever seen Naruto do that jutsu he made up? The naked girl one?" She sounded a little too excited for this to be a good idea.
"Y-yeah, I've seen it…"
"You could totally do that jutsu! Turn yourself into a cute girl, release a single and make a ton of money!"
"I can't do jutsus, remember?"
"You can do this one," Tenten proclaimed as she pranced around the room excitedly. "From what I saw, it doesn't require any chakra use at all!"
"So… it's not really a jutsu then?"
"Nope! More like a magic trick, kinda."
So they tried it. And strangely, it worked the very first time Lee tried it.
Tenten gaped. Rock Lee disappeared in a cloud of white smoke and in his place was a cute girl.
Make that a very cute girl.
The girl that stood in front of Tenten, who barely reached her shoulder, could have been placed in the dictionary as a definition of the word "Lolita." She was about five feet tall, or possibly four eleven, which was a whole foot shorter than Lee's original height. Her hands and feet were impossibly tiny, giving her an awkward, pigeon-toed look. Her eyes were black and enormous and surrounded by eyelashes that were as long as her fingers. Her hair was an immense mass of curls, done up in high arching pigtails. On top of all this was an air of nervous bemusement that made Tenten want to poke her to see if she'd scream and fall over.
"Well?" the teeny girl squeaked. "How did I do?"
"Holy crap…" Tenten whispered. Then she shuddered a little. "It's so good it's kinda creepy! Change back!"
A whoosh, a cloud of smoke and Lee, all bushy-eyebrowed-six-feet of him, was standing in front of her again.
"So, it didn't work?" he asked, slumped over in disappointment.
"No, no!" she assured him, waving her hands about. The rush of air it brought made her aware that she'd been blushing. "It worked really well! I was just surprised, that's all. I'm ready now. Do it again."
Tenten wondered where he was putting that missing foot in height. Maybe it went into the hair… This time she did poke the girl's forehead, but to her frustration the loli didn't scream and fall over. Even when Tenten poked her over and over for a good ten minutes.
"Ow," she squeaked quietly.
"Your reactions need work. A real Lolita girl would have screamed and passed out by now," Tenten muttered, mostly to herself. She added an extra hard poke for emphasis.
"Could you stop that please?"
"Fine. Let's see you walk. People will figure out you're an impostor if you can't walk like a girl," Tenten ordered.
So Lee attempted to walk like a girl. It was a walk Tenten had never seen from a kunoichi, that was for damn sure. Lee walked slowly in a wobbly fashion, as if her feet were too small for even her miniscule body. It was oddly charming, Tenten thought with a smile. It could work in their favour. Things were really coming together. Especially…
"Hold on just a damn minute!" she screamed, and Lee got such a shock he/she toppled over.
Tenten marched over and hauled the loli to her little mutant feet and stared angrily at her chest. Lee stared back nervously.
"Tenten? I-is something wrong?" she twittered.
"That's not fair! How dare you!" Tenten yelled, poking her captive hard in the sternum.
"I didn't mean to do it, whatever it is! I'm so sorry!"
"How can you be so short and have such big boobs? They're freaking huge!" Tenten screamed as her face turned a very unflattering shade of red.
"Huh?" Lee took this opportunity to look down at his/her chest.
For one so small, the newly formed Lolita-girl did indeed boast impressive measurements. This was an insult to Tenten, who was a good few inches taller but nowhere near as remarkable in the chest area. Tenten slowly regained her composure. After all, Lee was a man and men had unrealistic expectations of the female figure. That bountiful bosom probably felt nothing like real breasts…
Tenten grasped both boobs firmly in her hands, ignoring the mortified screech Lee/Loli-girl uttered. She inspected them the way she'd looked at fine weaponry over her kunoichi career. They felt perfectly real. They were heavy, firm and a bit jiggly. Just like real breasts.
"40DD. Holy mother of Kyuubi…"
Suddenly, Tenten gave a savage push and loli-girl tumbled over again.
"Fine. You did good. With that rack, you'll definitely be a pop idol," Tenten said. She didn't sound too happy about it.
"Good," the loli-girl said breathlessly as she struggled to her feet.
"Better start writing some songs."
"Songs? About what?"
"Oh, I dunno. Love, clothes, flowers, you know. Girly stuff."
"But I don't…"
"And practice your dancing too! All good pop idols dance!"
"I can try but I'm not very…"
"Make sure when you transform you conjure up a good bra! We don't need to see you bouncing all over the place; it'll ruin your wholesome image!"
"No wardrobe malfunctions, you hear? Otherwise your career will be over before it's started!"
"Okay, but I think…"
"And I'll be your agent! You'll be so busy with gigs and songwriting and dance practice you won't have time to book concerts and stuff, so I'll take care of that stuff!"
Lee fell silent. Tenten was clearly getting carried away. He/she demurely took a seat on the couch and watched the dark-haired girl whip herself up into a frenzy. It was her idea, after all. Let her get over-excited if that was what she wanted.
"I'll disguise myself as a boy! Like in that manga I read, what was it called again…? Oh, it doesn't matter, but it'll be so cool! You'll be disguised as a girl and me as a boy! What a hoot! And I'll be a cute boy too, like a bishounen, kinda like that Sasuke kid but not as miserable…"
"What is it?" She looked annoyed at being so rudely interrupted.
"Do you mean to use a transformation jutsu to disguise yourself?" the loli-girl chirruped.
"Well duh. Just because you have to look like a Lolita doesn't mean you have to be brain-dead, Lee," she said rudely.
"But you'll have to use chakra, and maintain it for hours, maybe even days. Ninjas will be able to tell you're a fake."
Tenten's face fell and she flopped down onto the couch.
"I hadn't thought of that. Crap."
"Use the jutsu. The naked girl one. It worked for me, just reverse the genders."
"That's a great idea!" Tenten hollered, leaping off the couch and knocking Lee/loli over in the process. "Okay, here goes nothing!"
Poof. A cloud of white smoke engulfed the brown-haired girl and lifted to reveal a young man.
He was tall and very slender, with a heart-shaped face and cheekbones you could cut bread on. His hair was blonde with blue streaks and cut to fall just beneath his chin. He wore an outfit than seemed to be comprised of some scraps of neon cotton and several belts and his lips, which were curled up into a wry smirk, appeared to be no stranger to lip-gloss.
He was so gay.
Tenten was delighted. Her/his outfit didn't quite cover the midriff area, which was toned and flat as the surface of a drum.
"Look at my stomach!" the bishie cried, tapping it with one long, elegant finger. "I've never seen it so flat before! This is so cool!"
Lee/loli attempted to congratulate Tenten/bishie on his/her fantastic transformation, but was instead hauled into the air by the tall man and danced around the room like a rag doll.
Lee/loli and Tenten/bishie took their first opportunity to slip away to a large city whilst on a long mission from home. They adopted the names Mimi and Raul Le Portchaic (apparently they were French) and met with several recording studios, all of whom were entranced by Mimi's cuteness (and her tremendous rack probably helped too.) As it turned out, Lee/Mimi actually had a very good singing voice. Light, melodious and sweet, she was no soprano but she was perfect for fluffy pop music. Gay Raul negotiated fiercely on Mimi's behalf and she was given a contract with the biggest record producers in the world and a debut on a famous chat show. Within two days they had made enough money for Lee to pay off his many debts, with lots left over. Not bad, considering they'd only left Konoha for a week.
Mimi became an international sensation, although she explained in her interviews that a chronic fear of flying rendered her unable to tour anywhere but Japan. Her fans were sympathetic, many travelled to Japan just to catch her concerts. Her agent Raul also insisted that because Mimi had delicate nerves, she was only permitted to hold performances every now and then and often with only a few days' notice.
Mimi was even popular in the hidden ninja villages, and Konoha was no exception. Shinobi begged to be put on missions that coincided with her concerts. Many of the village's girls curled their hair and added flounces to their clothes to be like her, despite how impractical it was in battle. Kakashi had stopped reading Icha Icha Paradise and started reading Mimi fanzines instead. Somehow, Lee and Tenten managed to keep their secret identities just that, a secret, even in a village full of espionage masters.
For a while, anyway.
One morning, Tsunade called Gai's team, along with Kakashi, Naruto and Jiraiya.
"I'm sending you all out on a mission of the utmost importance," she told them gravely. "If you fail, mark my words, I will have your heads hanging from the village gate."
The shinobi stiffened. What sort of mission could be so important that the Hokage would threaten their lives?
"You have to go to the village hidden in the mud…"
They blinked. There was a village hidden in the mud?
"…and pick up someone very special. According to the fanzine that's where she lives. I've booked her in for a concert in the village. She hasn't replied yet, but I'm sure if you pick her up she'll be willing to go with you. Get that gay guy that's always with her too."
Lee and Tenten shot each other a worried look. Surely she didn't mean…
"Go get Mimi and bring her here by tomorrow!" shouted the Hokage with gusto.
Lee and Tenten screamed.