An Akatsuki Thanksgiving
Note- Those copyright lawyers won't get out of my living room until I do this disclaimer, so here it is! I don't own Naruto!
Ah, Thanksgiving. The time that is supposed to bring people together with their families and friends. It is an idyllic scene of happy people gathered around the dinner table munching on traditional foods like turkey, mashed potatoes, and cranberry sauce. If you actually believe this, then you've never been to Thanksgiving at the Akatsuki lair!
"YAAAAH GODDAMMIT HIDAN DON'T STAND ON THE BREAD!" Itachi yelled. Hidan jumped.
"Why the hell is it on the floor!" Hidan retorted, after doing a complicated swan dive to avoid standing on said bread.
"BECAUSE THERE IS NO ROOM ON THE COUNTERTOPS!" Itachi shrieked in response. "And if you're going to be in here do something useful and squish those cranberries!"
"I hate cranberries," Hidan muttered as an apron was forced over his head and a bowl of cranberries placed in front of him."
"Deal with it," Zetsu replied.
"WHERE'S THE TURKEY!?" Pein screamed. "IT WAS SUPPOSED TO BE IN THE OVEN TWENTY MINUTES AGO!"
"Calm down," Konan appeased him. "Tobi is bringing it from the basement, and Deidara said he had a foolproof way to cook it in time!"
"Deidara's 'foolproof ways' of cooking things are blowing them up!" Pein gasped.
"I don't think he'll try anything like that," Konan said calmly.
"C4 PLASTIC EXPLOSIVES WILL COOK THAT BIRD BETTER THAN ANY OVEN EVER COULD!" a voice yelled. "DO YOU KNOW HOW MUCH THESE THINGS COST ON THE BLACK MARKET-UN? YOU'VE GOTTA LET ME IN THE KITCHEN!"
"Deidara-sempai, I don't know if that's such a good idea…"
"…I stand corrected…" Konan said, sweat-dropping.
"Get that crap out of the kitchen!" Pein yelled. Deidara glared.
"Do you want to eat before it's 10:00 tonight?" he asked.
"Let Zetsu-san handle the turkey, please, Deidara-sempai!" Tobi mentioned.
"Fine," Deidara replied. "But don't come crying to me when you're hungry and the turkey's not cooked-un."
"You know what?" Kakuzu suggested. "Deidara can put his expensive explosives to use by blowing up the pumpkins for pumpkin pie. After all, why let that money go to waste?"
"Yeah!" Deidara agreed, just happy that he was going to get to use his explosives.
"Uh oh," Tobi said.
"What did you do?" Zetsu asked.
"Tobi dropped the pot of mashed potatoes on my foot!" Itachi howled.
"You fucking idiot…" Hidan sighed. "What are we going to do for mashed potatoes now?"
"Leave it to me!" Tobi exclaimed. "I'll run to the market and get more potatoes!"
"You'd better be back soon," Itachi warned. "What's a Thanksgiving dinner without mashed potatoes?"
"You can count on me!"
"Hmmm…. What's the difference between Russet and Idaho potatoes? And sweet potatoes and redskin potatoes? Huh… I'll just buy them all!" Tobi decided.
"Uh… sir?" the bored teenager behind the cash register asked. "Are you sure you want to buy all of these potatoes? What are they for?"
"I'm going to mash them up and make mashed potatoes!" Tobi replied. The teenager made a disgusted face.
"Yuck… all of these potatoes? In the same mashed potato dish?"
"Well, it's your call," she said as she rang up the sale. "That will be $560."
Back at the lair's kitchen, things were not going any smoother. "DAMMIT DEIDARA!" Itachi yelled. "THERE'S NO PUMPKIN LEFT!"
"Sorry…" Deidara replied.
"Oh well. We have Konan's French Silk pies for dessert," Pein said soothingly.
"HIDAN! ZETSU!" Kakuzu shrieked. "DON'T EAT THOSE CORNBREAD MUFFINS!"
"Why the hell not?" Hidan asked, munching on one of the muffins.
"THEY HAVEN'T BEEN BAKED YET!"
"I am back!" Tobi said. "I brought the potatoes!"
"How much did it cost?" Kakuzu asked.
"$560," Tobi replied. Kakuzu fainted.
"Well, at least he'll be out of our hair until it's time for dinner," Itachi said calmly. "Now someone sort out these damn potatoes and mash them!"
"Where's the toaster?" Kisame asked. "I need to make the stuffing!"
"Over there," Deidara replied. "Has anyone seen the gravy-boat? I need to mix up the turkey gravy-un."
"Which one? Itachi's mother's fancy china one, or the garage sale one Kakuzu bought for fifty cents last year?" Zetsu replied.
"The good one."
"The china hutch, then."
Several hours and near-fatal arguments later, it was finally time for dinner. "Mmm… four kinds of mashed potatoes!" Hidan said, piling a heapin' helpin' of all the different kinds of potatoes on his plate. The turkey was cooked to perfection, and the cranberry sauce was ready. Konan's French Silk pies were sitting in the pride of place in the middle of the table.
"Hands off, Pein," she said, slapping his wrist as he reached for a pie. "Not until dessert time!"
"Aww…" Pein whined.
"What are we waiting for?" Zetsu yelled, fork and knife ready. "Let's chow down!"
"But I haven't said what I'm thankful for!" Tobi said.
"Who cares? Let's eat!"
"Well, I'm thankful for explosives-un!" Deidara said.
"I'm thankful for my Sharingan," Itachi added.
"I am thankful for Deidara-sempai!" Tobi replied. "And for everyone else in the organization!"
"I'm thankful for the swimming pool!" Kisame interjected. "And Samehada!"
"MONEY!" Kakuzu said. (He'd since been woken up with smelling salts).
"Praise Jashin!" Hidan said.
"PIE!" Pein yelled, reaching for another slice only to be whacked upside the head by Konan."
"I am thankful for food," Zetsu said. "I am VERY thankful for food."
"I am thankful for all of yo- GET YOUR HANDS OFF THAT PIE!" Konan interrupted herself. "Correction: I am thankful for those of you that are not trying to eat more than your fair share of the pie!"
Over all, it was a very good meal. Everyone was totally stuffed after dinner, and even Zetsu was making comments like "First thing tomorrow I'm joining the health club!"
Omake -Author's Comments
And I always thought my house was like a circus around Thanksgiving… but the Akatsuki make it look like dinner with the president:D
But the mashed potato thing really did happen, and the last time we had dinner with people who weren't in my immediate family, my grandmother had to beat my cousin off the pie with a fork xD