When the door to the dressing room swung open, the small orange creature in the bright green jacket said,"15 seconds until show time Mr. Cheney."
"You're mistaken," said the old man as he sat reading the latest book by Sean Hannity,"The show doesn't start for three days yet." He then chuckled unpleasantly at something in the book which he was reading.
"No," the orange creature said while nervously adjusted his big round glasses,"It says right here that the show is supposed to begin in a few seconds."
"Well, then that is mistaken," Dick Cheney snapped as he took one hand off the book he was reading and pulled the shotgun which leaned up against the wall a little closer to him,"because the show clearly starts three days from now."
"Er...umm...well...yes, umm...that is,"the orange creature stammered because arguing with this host any further was clearly a bad idea. Scooter, the orange muppet, left the room and closed the door behind him.
Although the show's opening proceeded normally, some of those who later looked back on that day remembered that day's performance of the opening theme to be filled with an eerie sense of foreboding. Kermit the frog enthusiastically introduced the host of the episode after the opening theme was finished but no one emerged from backstage.
"Umm," Kermit the frog said as he looked around expectantly,"any of you guys know where today's host is?" Scooter rushed over and whispered something in Kermit's ear.
"So he's just not coming out here," Kermit shouted in exasperation,"is that it? What are we supposed to do, then?" A large blue bird walked with a grave expression on his face walked briskly towards Kermit.
"Kermit," Sam the eagle said sternly,"I must insist that you calm yourself down immediately. If Mr.Cheney is not going to come out to open the show, I'm sure he has a good reason for doing so. Dick Cheney is a wonderful man. He is a truly great human being and he is making this world a better place. I, for one, am glad that we finally have a host on this show that I can feel proud of."
"Arrgh," Kermit said as he shook himself with frustration,"Alright, then. Have Gonzo go out and do his unicycle number early." The other muppets rushed off to help make whatever preparations were necessary.
As the muppets were readying the stage, two elderly muppets named Waldorf and Statler sat talking about the show which was taking place down below them like they had done during every show so far.
"Hey," said Waldorf,"with Dick Cheney as the host the show might not be half bad any more,"
"Oh no?," inquired Statler. Statler eagerly awaited the upcoming resolution to the most recent bad joke that his friend was telling him. Neither one of them seemed to ever tire of the lowbrow humor that often seemed to be the glue that held their friendship together.
"Nope,"Waldorf replied,"Now it'll be all bad." Both muppets laughed uproariously at the obvious punchline that they both knew was coming.
"Oh," Statler asked jovially,"Do you know why Dick Cheney crossed the road?"
"No," answered Waldorf,"why DID Dick Cheney cross the road?"
"Dick Cheney," Statler began,"crossed the road to betraying the fundamental underlying principles which this nation was founded on."
The two elderly muppets once more began to laugh boisterously but their laughter was cut short when two large men wearing dark suits and sunglasses burst through the door that led into the balcony that led to the balcony where the two muppets always sat. Each of the them took out identity badges and showed them to Waldorf and Statler.
"We are agents Jackson and Thomas," they began in unison,"and we're with the NSA. It has come to our attention that you have been making remarks of a derogatory nature regarding the current administration which gives aid and comfort to our enemies. We've been instructed to take you both to a detention center where you will stay until further notice." Both agents then grabbed Waldorf and Statler and began to drag them out of their seats.
"This is an outrage,"Waldorf shouted,"We fought in world war two and now all the creeps in Washington like him are cutting our benefits."
"Yeah,"Statler added,"and that punk Cheney got deferment after deferment when it was his time to serve." This time Waldorf and Statler were definitely not engaging in their usual sardonic laughter this time after they finished speaking.
Down on the stage, Gonzo was riding around on the stage with twenty or thirty chicken piled acrobatically on his head as upbeat music played on a ukelele issued forth from a small record player on the stage. Dick Cheney walked through a door near the back of the room and out onto the stage. He walked right into the path of Gonzo and Gonzo swerved abruptly to avoid him.
"Sorry I'm early," Dick Cheney said as Gonzo, the chickens, and the record player with the ukelele record on it all came crashing to the ground loudly.
"Umm, yeah okay," Kermit said awkwardly,"Well, stick around everyone!!!We've gotten a great show for you."Kermit then waved his arms around with excitement as all the muppets walked off to do their part for the show that's about to take place.
Scooter's uncle, a rich old muppet named J.P. Morgan, sat upstairs in his office counting his money. "Okay, that's another two million," J.P. Morgan said with a lack of any real interest,"I'd better count that other bag next."
"Is that money I hear being counted?," Dick Cheney said with a great deal of excitement as he walked into the upstairs office,"it sounded as though that was what that sound was so I had to go check." He then put out his hand for J.P. Morgan to shake.
"Indeed," J.P. Morgan said,"that's exactly right. Hey, I remember you from when one of my companies worked on that one business deal with Halliburton."
"That's right,"Dick Cheney replied,"that's right. I remember now. We bought out that chain of orphanages in upstate New York."
"Yes," J.P. Morgan added,"yes. We converted them all into luxury resorts. But hey, at least we got all of those poor orphans jobs."
"Yeah,"Dick Cheney agreed,"we got them all jobs doing ads explaining why country clubs were better for the community. Of course, they were on their own after that."
"Oh," J.P. Morgan said as both men started laughing,"those were good times. It's been too long, Dick. I haven't seen you since that one hunting trip."
"Yeah," Dick Cheney said sadly,"sorry about how all that went."
"Oh, it's okay," J.P. Morgan replied,"It only took a few years to heal." Dick Cheney then began chuckling again.
Backstage, Kermit sat looking through some paperwork. Miss. Piggy strode purposefully through the door and entered the room where he sat. She put hugged him tightly and then began massaging his shoulders.
"Oh, Kermie," Miss Piggy said passionately,"at last we have some time alone."
"Umm," Kermit said nervously,"not now, Miss Piggy. I'm, umm, really busy."
"Kermie," Miss Piggy said coquettishly,"go ahead. Give in to desire." She began to kiss him all over his face and neck.
"Oh, Miss Piggy," Kermit said as he began to kiss back. The door then swung open and the Vice President entered the room.
"What the heck is going on here?," Dick Cheney snarled,"One of you is a frog and the other is a pig. What on earth are you two doing together?"
"Well, yes," Miss Piggy said solemnly,"all that is true, yes. But we LOVE each other." Kermit gravely nodded in agreement.
"That's sick," the Vice President snapped,"That's sick and wrong. There's no place in America for sick alternative lifestyles. I'm arranging for you two to be taken away to a re-education center." Dick Cheney pulled a cell phone out of his pocket and placed a call.
"But Mr. Cheney," Kermit said timidly,"I would have thought that you'd be okay with our alternative lifestyle considering how your own daughter was..."
"What????," Dick Cheney cut him off,"How dare you use that information to further your own political ends??" Two agents then stormed through the door to the backstage area. They dragged Kermit and Miss Piggy off as Miss Piggy began screaming.
"Dieschoenebleeneshesroonesbergen," the Swedish Chef said in a kitchen which was a few rooms over,"Undenschludemendenschubergen." The Swedish Chef took a raw fish out from under the counter and waved it around. He dropped it on the counter and chopped it into several pieces which he tossed into a frying pan that had been placed on a burner located on the counter.
"Dehundeschlugenbergeschmergerene," the Swedish Chef said as he moved the frying pan around on the burner. The Swedish Chef then reached under the counter and pulled out a large bomb.
"Rehundeschergenborgenschoendenoones," the Swedish Chef shouted as he began to laugh maniacally. The Swedish Chef then pushed the detonator.
The following explosion could be heard from miles around. In the space of a few seconds, the studio was almost entirely reduced to rubble. A few walls and pieces of ceiling that were still standing could be seen here and there but even these seemed about to collapse. Some muppets began digging themselves out of the rubble. Many more muppets had perished in the blast and would remain buried underneath the rubble until they were later dug out.
"Whoa, man,"Rowlf said,"What the heck was that?" Muppets with expressions of shock and fright frozen on their faces wandered about aimlessly all throughout what little remained of the studio.
"It is fairly obvious what happened," Dick Cheney said from the leather easy chair he had found to sit in,"We got an intelligence report awhile ago saying that the Swedish Chef was part of a Swedish terrorist cell and was going to enter the country and attack a television studio full of puppet-like creatures."
"But," Fozzie Bear stammered,"but why didn't you do anything? I mean, if you KNEW that this would happen and all?"
"Come now," Dick Cheney said defensively,"We get countless intelligence reports. We can't act on them all. Besides, how would we know which studio full of puppet-like creatures the Swedish Chef would attack?"
"So, like, you have to call that other cat now right?," the muppet named Floyd Pepper asked Dick Cheney,"That guy who they made president? The dude in the cowboy hat? Cuz he is, like, the one running the country and all?" All the muppets, and Dick Cheney himself, had a good laugh at that.
"No, no," Dick Cheney said with a chuckle,"What we're going to do is this. We have information that Elmo, the tyrant who rules Sesame Street with his iron fist, has developed nuclear weapons. Elmo and his associates clearly hate muppet studios and all the freedoms enjoyed by muppets here. All of you are now to go and liberate the poor citizens of Sesame Street. I'll stay here while you do that to, umm, supervise or something." Many muppets, consumed with fear, loudly cheered Dick Cheney. Other Muppets simply looked around in confusion.
"I dunno, man," said a muppet named Dr. Teeth,"This whole war thing ain't too cool. It just doesn't sound like this'll work out well in the end, you dig?"
"This is a time of war," Dick Cheney said with a grim expression on his face,"and we can't afford to have our morale broken by dangerous radical talk of this nature." With a quick call on his cell phone, Dick Cheney arranged to have Dr. Teeth carted off by government agents.
"I'm afraid that it appears you've lost your way," Sam the Eagle said with great sadness,"I'll admit that Dr. Teeth can be too unorthodox for my taste but he was only exercising his right to free speech and shouldn't be penalized for that. Sesame Street didn't attack us and it seems unlikely that they have nuclear weapons. I would VERY strongly advise you to reconsider the path you are about to take us down.
The next day the muppets dined on roast eagle as they prepared for war against Sesame Street. The muppets named Dr. Bunsen Honeydew and Beaker worked hard at developing weapons to use in the upcoming battle.
"Beat Elmo!!!Beat Elmo!!!," Animal shouted as he bit into a big piece of roast eagle. The pig muppet who had a recurring role as the captain on the "Pigs in Space" sketches chuckled approvingly and patted animal on the back.