Disclaimer: I own nothing. Everything belongs to JK Rowling and I am just borrowing them for a while.
Author Notes: This fic is inspired by the fanart of lamech77 at Deviantart. Just look for The Outing – HP and you will see what I mean. I hope that artist doesn't mind.
This fic is not a dig at anyone else's stories. I have read only two Dumbledore fics since his outing and both were AD/GG pairings and tastefully done.
ETA: Author Note: For the benefit of anyone else who, like my first reviewer, wishes to tell me to read the books because the characters are out of character please note - this story is in the section of humour/parody. It is NOT meant to be taken seriously, the characters ARE meant to be over the top and rocketing from one extreme to the other. That was rather the point and is done deliberately. I have read the books numerous times and, as should hopefully be evidenced by my more serious fics, am perfectly capable of keeping the characters "in character".
For the record, the M rating is because of something in one of the later parts - this is a seven part story and already written in full so it was rated on the basis of the story as a whole rather than what is in the first part.
Rita Skeeter Makes a Comeback
Minerva McGonagall sat in the headmaster's office. Once again she was in the position of acting Headmistress and was currently undertaking her duty to sort through the post. Or rather she was avoiding doing that particular task and was instead engrossed in the latest edition of the Daily Prophet.
"I see Albus is making headlines again," Snape said as he leaned forward in his chair and strained to see the newspaper from his position within the portrait frame.
"Am I?" Dumbledore asked with feigned mild interest. "Two years gone and I still manage to interest the readers."
"There's no need to sound so smug about it," Snape muttered. "The Quibbler did a full feature on my work during the war last month."
"But this is the Daily Prophet," Dumbledore pointed out with a self-satisfied smile. "A much higher circulation."
"The Quibbler can hold it's own, ever since the Potter exclusive back in his fifth year."
"But the Prophet…well…it's the Prophet."
"I hate to interrupt," McGonagall said with a small cough of impatience, "but the picture of Albus in the paper today is merely part of an advertising campaign for a new book."
"Oh," Dumbledore said with obvious disappointment.
"Aren't there already more than enough books about him?" Snape asked with a barely concealed sneer.
"This one's apparently breaking new ground," McGonagall said as she read the advert. "It's called…oh my goodness…"
"What?" Snape asked, his interest now engaged. "What's it called?"
"Well I don't know quite what to think about the title," McGonagall muttered. "But it's called Down and Dirty with Albus Dumbledore."
"A Herbology publication," Dumbledore speculated with delight. "Of course it never was my best subject but I know that Herbologists everywhere were delighted when I discovered that you could – what was that Minerva?"
"I said it isn't about Herbology," McGonagall repeated.
"Well it certainly sounds like it is," Dumbledore muttered. "Are you sure?"
"Pretty sure," McGonagall replied with a smirk worthy of Snape himself.
"What makes you think so?" Snape asked. "Does it say what it is about?"
"No, it's top secret until the publication next week."
"Then you don't know that it isn't about how I benefited the Herbologists," Dumbledore pointed out.
"It's written by Rita Skeeter," McGonagall stated. "Somehow I doubt that she'd be bothered about anything that didn't have the scent of a scandal all over it."
"That odious woman," Dumbledore spluttered. "Wasn't that previous biography, and I use the word biography loosely, adequate punishment enough for me. Slandering my good name and…"
"I seem to recall it was quite a page turner actually," Snape commented with a sly smirk. "Certainly helped to pass the time whilst I was being ostracised by the staff during my time as Headmaster."
McGonagall shuffled her feet and looked guilty even though they'd long ago spoken and each offered their own apologies for their conduct in that final year of the war.
"You actually read it?" Dumbledore asked in astonishment. "I'm surprised at you. Anything that woman writes contains merely a grain of truth in a positive desert of lies."
"I never said it was truthful," Severus reminded the other man. "I said it was a page turner. Minerva, would you be so kind as to order me a copy of the sequel?"
"Severus, you're a portrait," Dumbledore pointed out with a sigh. "How exactly are you planning to read it?"
"Oh I think a podium right here," he gestured to the space in front of his frame, "and my non-verbal spell for turning pages – I could do that one without a wand by the time I was fifteen you know – will be sufficient."
"Professor McGonagall will not be ordering you anything," Dumbledore stated firmly. "We are here to serve the current headmaster or headmistress, not the other way around."
"Would you like a free phoenix bookmark with your copy?" Minerva asked as she looked up at Snape from the form she was in the middle of completing.