"During the year of Alastor Moody's tenure as Defence Against the Dark Arts teacher Albus Dumbledore played a dangerous game with the man's affections. Keeping his devoted admirer a virtual prisoner within the school Albus resumed his relationship with Sirius Black who was frequently seen in the vicinity of the school in his animagus form of a large dog.
Those who like to check their facts will note that Sirius Black is not registered as an animagus officially and this was just one of the crimes that Albus Dumbledore was happy to overlook in light of his affection for the man.
The two men kept up a constant stream of correspondence, with Harry Potter, Sirius's godson, often acting as a go between."
"I thought that Sirius only visited in his animagus form?" Everard asked.
"He did," Dumbledore confirmed. "Clearly Ms Skeeter is unconcerned with those little things called facts."
"Actually," Snape interrupted, "she does confirm that Black was in his dog form when he visited. It says that it is commonly known that Albus and his brother had a great deal in common and refers to a footnote."
"What does it say?" Dilys asked.
"See Wizengamot case number 4487F88G: Ministry of Magic versus Aberforth Dumbledore, a.k.a. The Goat Incident." Snape looked at Dumbledore along with all the rest of the portraits and Professor McGonagall.
Dumbledore appeared to be speechless although he finally spluttered a request that McGonagall contact the school's lawyers to ascertain whether he could sue Ms Skeeter for libel.
After Dumbledore had recovered himself, and after McGonagall had confirmed that the lawyers were quite sure that portraits could not sue living people, Snape turned back to the book.
"Things settled down somewhat the following year with the reestablishment of Albus's gentlemen's club in Sirius's childhood home. It is clear that at this point Albus was still very much involved with not only Sirius, but also with Alastor and Remus.
However not all of his conquests that year were members of the exclusive Order of the Phoenix. Certainly the Minister for Magic, Cornelius Fudge was not allowed into the exclusive club despite the constant correspondence that passed between the two men. Cornelius showered Albus with love letters for many years and the two men are now known to have taken a luxury holiday during Albus's brief absence from his post during this school year.
An anonymous source at the Ministry of Magic revealed that Cornelius had been trying to persuade Albus to holiday with him ever since he'd learned that Albus had taken a similar vacation with Lucius Malfoy three years before.
Cornelius even went so far as to copy Lucius's ploy of pretending to drive Albus from the school in order to cover up their romantic getaway.
My source has been unable to provide evidence of this holiday but I travelled to the Bahamas myself to make sure that no stone was left unturned."
"I assume she took that trip at her publisher's expense," Phineas muttered.
"Nice work if you can get it," Everard muttered.
"I can't imagine how she knew where I went?" Dumbledore mused. "I certainly wasn't with anyone but don't see how she could have guessed my location on her own?"
Snape rolled his eyes and continued to read. "The year was not all romance and flowers and sadly tragedy was soon to touch Albus with the loss of his favourite, Sirius Black." Snape let loose an over the top sob and wiped a non-existent tear from his eye.
"His loss, as a result of the jealousies of the newly re-born Lord Voldemort and Death Eater Lucius Malfoy was a loss that Albus was never to truly recover from.
From that moment on Albus vowed to take down Lord Voldemort and even went so far as to use his influence with Cornelius Fudge to imprison Lucius Malfoy in Azkaban.
Albus Dumbledore made one fatal mistake in his dealings with Lord Voldemort and his Death Eaters. He failed to take into account his loyal spy…"
Snape stopped reading and started to rapidly scan through the remaining few pages, occasionally making sounds of astonishment and horror.
"What is it Severus?" Dumbledore asked with a calm smile that gave away that he knew exactly what was the matter. "Don't you like the way the story is going?"
"Eek," Snape squeaked.
"Now, now Severus," Dumbledore chided. "You have had lots of fun at my expense today. You've all had a good laugh at what Rita Skeeter has written about me. Would you deprive me of the chance to chuckle a little on what she has clearly written about you?"
"Yes, I'd deprive you of that pleasure," Snape declared as he magically slammed the book shut and sat back in his chair.
"I'll read it for you," Everard promised as he hurried through the portraits. Snape jumped out of his seat as he tackled Everard to the floor.
"I'll read the ending for you," McGonagall said as she took the book to the desk.
"He failed to take into account his loyal spy Severus Snape. Severus had secretly loved Albus for many years. He had shown an unreasonable jealousy of all those who had secured Albus's affections and did his utmost to drive a wedge between Albus and whoever his favourite was at any given time.
Unbeknownst to Albus, Severus had been steadily working towards securing his affections by taking out his rivals.
Severus had no idea that in removing Sirius Black from the picture he would be driving Remus Lupin into Albus's arms.
Severus used his own Death Eater connections to introduce Remus to fellow werewolf Fenrir Greyback in the hopes that he would cast aside Albus and leave the way relatively clear for himself.
Instead Remus and Fenrir arrived at Hogwarts to take matters up with Severus and a terrible fight ensued.
The outcome of the quarrel is well known and finished with Albus taking a dive from the top of the Astronomy Tower.
The only question is whether he was pushed or whether he jumped…"
"Is that is?" Dumbledore asked in disappointment.
"Apparently," McGonagall replied. "She rattles on for a bit on the whole morality of having so many lovers at one time but I won't bore you with that. She also mentions that young Teddy isn't Remus's son because she's seen his medical records and there is no trace of a werewolf in his ancestry. The only other thing is an advert at the back offering a discount on pre-orders for her next book which is due out next summer."
"I wonder who she's going to re-write history for next," Dumbledore commented.
"No need to wonder," McGonagall said with a malicious grin. "It's called Severus Snape: The Sex Scandals."
"Excellent," Dumbledore enthused as he clapped his hands. "Place an order for me would you Minerva? We'll need something to pass the time during the school holidays."
Snape glared around the room and wished he had another portrait he could escape to. He wondered whether he was too young to feign deafness and cursed Potter for ensuring he had a portrait at all.
Author Note: I am sure there a few people wondering about the M rating. If you are one then it probably means your mind didn't spend its entire time in the gutter while reading this story or I am more subtle than I thought I was. Any complaints about the rating will be ignored by me. I know why it is M and I since I have no way of knowing the age of anyone who might ask I will not be explaining it either here or in PMs.
Now that that is out of the way. I hope you enjoyed the story and thanks to everyone who commented and faved it. And if you haven't already done so please check out the fanart that inspired it. I am sure that if you have read this far you are probably in agreement that Rita Skeeter would be right there with the fangirls in pairing Albus up with each and every bloke in the series.