Addicted

Willow sat in the middle of her bed staring at the wall visibly shaking. It had been a few weeks since she quit using magic. She ached to do something, but knew she couldn't because of what her friends would think…her friends who were nowhere to be found. Buffy was out with one of her latest dates. Tara was not speaking to her. Xander was spending time with Anya. Dawn was at one of her friend's house and Giles was down at the Magic Box. She thought about going to visit him, but knew she wouldn't be welcome. Nobody trusted her in a store full of spell books. She had enough of the pity fest. She got up, grabbed her coat and left the house.

Willow felt him before she saw him. She could feel him following a few steps behind. She stopped to let him know that she knew he was there, but then continued without turning around.

It's like you're a drug
It's like you're a demon I can't face down

He didn't say anything. He kept following her. Willow knew he wouldn't stop. She was so focused on losing him; she wasn't paying attention to where she was going. She realized too late that he led her straight to the cemetery.

It's like I'm stuck

It's like I'm running from you all the time

Willow let out a sigh and dropped her shoulders before turning around to face her follower.

"Fancy meetin you here, pet." Spike smirked.

"I was just leaving." Willow shot back.

She stared at him for a second before walking towards him. Spike smiled until he realized she wasn't walking to him, but past him. He quickly put his arm out and caught her around the waist. "Funny, it doesn't look like you're going anywhere." He pulled her in front of him and held her tightly around the waist with one arm and let his other hand rest on her shoulder.

"Let go." Willow feebly demanded as she tried to get away.

Spike's answer was not to let go, but to move his hand behind her head and bring her lips to his for a punishing kiss. He smiled when she didn't fight back.

And I know I let you have all the power
It's like the only company I seek is misery all around

Spike easily opened her mouth and let his tongue dominate hers. Willow couldn't deny how good it felt. She just didn't know if it was his mouth and hands that made her body respond or the fact that he was the only one who didn't treat her like the junkie she was. He didn't always treat her great, but he was honest.

Spike's mouth trailed down to her neck and softly sucked her flesh. She tried to pull back when he pushed her jacket off her shoulder and bit her skin. He kept his arm securely around her waist and his hand clamped on her arm. It was hard to get used to him being able to hurt her without the chip going off. It was even harder to realize that she was less than human because of the magic running through her veins.

It's like you're a leech
Sucking the life from me

Once they were in the crypt, they began hurriedly shedding each others clothes. Willow's breathing was fast as Spike pushed her down on the bed. The anticipation was building for both of them as Spike straddled the redhead's midsection.

It's like I can't breathe
Without you inside of me

Willow let him pull of her remaining clothes. She let him grab her wrists and hold her down. She willingly let him overpower her. She reveled in the way he made her feel when he pushed into her. She felt wanted...needed…almost loved. What she felt in those few moments are what kept her coming back for more.

And I know I let you have all the power
And I realize I'm never gonna quit you over time

"Pet…you feel so good." Spike whispered in her ear as he rolled off to her side.

Willow slowed her breathing and relaxed. She pulled a blanket over her naked body and held tight as Spike tried to pull it away. She playfully hit his hand away. "That's enough show for tonight, Mr." Willow smiled, but then it faded. "You felt good too." She whispered then looked away.

Spike noticed. "What's wrong?" He pulled her chin towards him. "It's nothin to be ashamed of, luv."

It's like I can't breathe
It's like I can't see anything
Nothing but you

Willow really didn't want to have this discussion now. Not here, not in the middle of a cemetery where he had the upper hand. She couldn't tell him what she felt. He was in love with her and she didn't know what he was to her. She didn't know if it would be understood and accepted or completely rejected. She didn't know which she could handle.

I'm addicted to you
It's like I can't think

"What's wrong, Willow?"

Without you interrupting me
In my thoughts
In my dreams

"I have to go." She said hurriedly and jumped out of the bed.

Spike was quicker and was in front of her before she could pick up her clothes. "What's going on?"

Willow tried to move past him, but he grabbed her wrist and held her in place. "Let me go." She pleaded. He wouldn't understand her that her desperation was what kept her coming back to him.

You've taken over me

"What's the matter?"

It's like I'm not me

"This isn't right." Willow mumbled

"What are you talking about?" Spike shook her when she tried to pull away again.

"I have to go, Spike. Please let me go." She looked straight into his eyes. After a moment he released her wrist and moved out of the way. Willow quickly got her things together and ran out of the crypt.

It's like I'm not me

Willow was so lost in her thoughts that she didn't realize she was home until she was standing at the front door. She was surprised that a demon didn't attack her. She wouldn't have put up a fight.

It's like I'm lost
It's like I'm giving up slowly

She could hear voices in her head calling her weak and pathetic. It sounded like Spike's words. It sounded like his brutal honesty coming forth when she tried to reject him.

It's like you're a ghost that's haunting me
Leave me alone

She knew that they were Spike's words, but they were her thoughts. She knew she was weak. She knew what her friends thought of her. She didn't need to be reminded.

And I know these voices in my head
Are mine alone

Willow knew she had to stop her affair with Spike. It was hurting the both of them. She had to find something in her life to fulfill her.

And I know I'll never change my ways
If I don't give you up now

She could here voices in the house so she quickly gathered her composure and opened the front door.

"Dawn?!" She heard Buffy call as she ran to the door. "Willow, where's Dawn?" She asked quickly.

It's like I can't breathe

"I…I don't know. I thought she was out with Janice." Willow said nervously. She could tell Buffy was thinking Willow did something. She almost broke down, but kept her composure.

It's like I'm not me

"Yeah, but she's supposed to be home. I though you…she was with you." Buffy answered. They both knew what Buffy was going to say. There was still no trust.

It's like I'm not me

Willow was about to say something when Spike came through the door with two teenage girls with him.

"Hello all! Look what I found wanderin round the cemetery." He pushed the two girls in front of him. "Children, do you have something to say?" He asked mockingly.

"Shut up, Spike." Dawn snapped.

"Dawn!" Buffy yelled. "Janice…car…now." Buffy pointed. She turned to Dawn, "We'll talk about curfew when I get home." She locked eyes with Spike before walking out the door.

Dawn ran up the stairs to her room leaving Willow and Spike standing in the front hall.

"I would leave, but I think the slayer would hurt me." Spike almost smiled. "I wonder why that is?" He looked like he was pondering the idea.

"Well, you know where the TV is, I'm going to sleep." Willow turned to go up the stairs and Spike began to follow.

"What if I don't want to watch the telly?" Spike put his arm around her waist and slid his hand under her shirt. "What if I want to watch you?" He whispered in her ear before he began nibbling. Willow moaned and rested in Spikes arms. He smiled. "That's it, luv." He spun her around. "I knew you couldn't resist me." He said before descending on her lips.

I'm hooked on you
I need a fix

Willow hungrily attacked his mouth while throwing her arms around his neck almost knocking Spike down the stairs.

I can't take it
Just one more hit

Spike caught his balance and threw Willow against the wall and then down the stairs. Willow directed to the nearest closet.

I promise I can deal with it
I'll handle it, quit it

"Feel so good, Red." Spike moaned into her mouth.

Just one more time
Then that's it

"Stop talking." Willow demanded

Spike obediently obliged by lifting her up against the bare wall and pushing her skirt up her legs.

Just a little bit more to get me through this
I'm hooked on you

Willow was lost in the feeling of Spike touching and kissing her. In the back of her mind she knew what she was doing was wrong, but she didn't care. She needed his hands, his mouth, and his attention. She needed him inside her. She needed to feel.

I need a fix
I can't take it

Spike moved quickly in and out of her. He wanted the release just as much as she did, just, maybe not for the same reasons. He loved her. He didn't care about her addiction or what her friends thought about her. He loved her and he was happy to be with her, even is she didn't feel the same way. But he'd be damned all over again if she didn't tell him what was going on in her head.

Just one more hit
I promise I can deal with it

"So close…" Willow panted

"So good…" Spike moaned into her neck.

I'll handle it, quit it
Just one more time

Spike covered Willow's mouth before either of them could make a noise. Their breathing was ragged as Spike dropped her feet to the ground and rested his head on her shoulder. He moved his lips to her ear, "That was good, luv. But that was the last time unless you tell me what's wrong." Without another word he left the closet.

Then that's it
Just a little bit more to get me through this

There was high vampire activity so everyone was needed to patrol the cemeteries. It just so happened that Spike and Willow were paired together. There weren't many vamps in the area they were patrolling so Spike took the opportunity to ask what was bothering the ex-witch. He could see Willow tense up.

"I'm fine." She tried.

He forced her to stop and look into his eyes. "Don't play dumb. It isn't cute…even on you."

It's like I can't breathe
It's like I can't see anything
Nothing but you

"Spike…I…"

He shook her. "Stop making excuses and tell me what the hell going on with you!"

"I don't know what's going on!" Willow yelled back.

I'm addicted to you
It's like I can't think
Without you interrupting me

"Try to explain it! Stop making excuses. Stop running. Stop lying to me and yourself!" Spike yelled exasperated.

"What am I running from? What am I lying about?" Willow yelled. "I can barely understand my thoughts so how are you supposed to?"

"You're not alone. Maybe, just maybe, I can help!"

"Help me? Tell me how to deal with my friends not trusting me. Tell me how to deal with the magic withdrawals. Tell me how to deal with Dawn hating me. Tell me how to deal with Buffy and Xander, my best friends, not looking at me."

"Guess what, Red? You did bad stuff! You did! Now you have to deal with it. You can't sit around cryin about it!" Spike answered. "It's not going to be easy. Life isn't easy. I'm not always going to be there to scratch when you have an itch."

Willow slapped him hard. "I don't need you."

"Then why do you come running to me? Why do you c…"

"Shut up!"

"You must feel something for me." He got in her face. "What do you feel for the one who makes you feel?"

"I don't know, Spike." She sounded defeated. "I don't know how I feel about you. Tell me how I should feel about you since you've been so helpful already." She almost sneered

"Sarcasm, that's great. She gives me sarcasm." He spins her around so her back is to him and holds her tight against him. "I am the only who gets this close to you. I am the only who listens to you. I am the only one who gives you the time of day. So you tell me how you should feel about me." He did lessen his hold.

Willow's eyes were filling with unshed tears. "You're the only one who's there." She whispered.

You've taken over me

"You're the only one who does anything."

"Then why do you fight me? Why do you fight yourself?" His anger wasn't yet appeased.

"This is wrong. This isn't me."

"What?"

"I'm not impulsive. I'm not passive. I'm not evil." Willow explained. "At least, I wasn't."

It's like I'm not me

Spike finally lessened his grip and turned her around. "People change, not always for the best. But Willow, you are not evil."

"Yeah, but I'm not me…I'm not happy with who I am."

It's like I'm not me