Title: Everybody Loves Kamui
Warnings: Shounen-ai, yaoi, insanity.
Author's Notes: Just a random idea. People have seemed to like
it, even though I thought it was just weird. *shrug* hehe
Everybody Loves Kamui
(or How the Dragons of Heaven and Earth
Finally Learned to Agree On Something)
It was supposed to be just another average
day for Shirou Kamui. Get up, wander around angsting over
Fuuma/Kotori/fate for a while, have some vaguely yaoi-ish bonding
sessions with one of his male teammates, maybe get molested by
the Dark Kamui a little, and call it a day. He was just about to
begin one of the aforementioned angsting sessions when a bouncy
blond figure hurrying toward him informed him that one Segawa
Keiichi was about to derail his plans in a big way.
Kamui closed his eyes and concentrated on
the most depressing things he could think of-- Kotori's
disembodied head, Fuuma's betrayal, his own horrible
fate-oppressed existence-- and by the time Keiichi reached him,
his anti-genki armor was at full power.
"Shirou-kun, I brought you
One violet eye cracked open, and Kamui
groaned inwardly when he saw the colorful burst of flowers the
other boy was holding. Segawa was really getting desperate.
Keiichi blushed faintly. "I just
wanted to tell you... well... I really like you, Kamui. There's
something about the pain in those deep purple eyes of yours... I
want to take you away from all that."
Kamui opened both eyes and stared at him.
"That was actually... kind of deep, Segawa."
"Or maybe it's just that cute
little butt of yours. Either way... Kamui, I..."
"Not interested," Kamui muttered,
pushing his way past a shocked and disappointed Keiichi. He was
cranky now. His angsting had been quite rudely interrupted. He
stalked off-- and wound up running straight into a familiar
"Going somewhere, Kamui-kun?" A
pair of hands entangled themselves in his hair, stroking with
false tenderness. The small bishonen struggled, but those same
hands were soon drifting down onto his shoulders, his waist, and
beyond. A dark chuckle came from somewhere above Kamui's
head. "Keep struggling. I like it that way."
"/Kamui/!" The older boy
suddenly pushed his prey away and glared, folding his arms over
his chest. "Why does everyone have so much trouble
with this concept??"
Then he smiled evilly and moved upon Kamui
once again. "I suppose it doesn't matter," he said
in a silky murmur. "Whatever name you choose to call me, you're
going to be screaming it all night long..."
Kamui rolled his eyes and said nothing,
wondering if it was a prerequisite for evil people to use really
bad pickup lines, or if it was just Fuuma. "Listen, Fuuma--
/Kamui/-- whatever, can we postpone this little molestation
session? Just this once? I'm really not feeling it
Fuuma frowned. "But I haven't
molested you in four whole days."
"Tomorrow. I promise."
While Fuuma was thinking it over, Kamui
took the opportunity to run like hell. He heard shouts behind
him, something about how Kamui had better get back there or the
next time they met he was going to have to face the terrifying
wrath of the frog, but when he turned around Fuuma was gone.
Immediately he lapsed back into his
tormented persona. "Fuuma..." he sighed, trudging down
the road. "Kotori..."
He had gotten up to 17
"Fuuma..."s and 24 "Kotori..."s by the time
he got back to the Imonoyama mansion. Yuzuriha greeted him at the
"Hey, Kamui! I've been looking
all over for you!"
"Fuuma..." the violet-eyed boy
Yuzu tilted her head and popped cat ears.
Kamui shook his head a little and blinked.
"Sorry. It's hard to stop sometimes."
"Okay..." The young girl
shrugged, and her face returned to its typical genki expression.
"It's great to see you!" She hesitated for a
moment, then continued. "There's... something I've
been wanting to tell you."
Kamui blinked, having a sudden flashback to
his earlier scene with Keiichi. But no, Yuzuriha wouldn't be
telling him something like that. She was already involved with
that Kusanagi guy. "What is it?"
"I..." She stopped walking,
staring down at the floor and scuffing her feet, the slightest
hint of a blush coloring her cheeks.
"Ikindahavealittletinycrushonyou," she blurted all at
Kamui sweatdropped. "Er... repeat
"I just said that... I kinda...
sorta... have a little... crush on... you..." She trailed
off, looking up at him with hopeful eyes.
He stared at her.
"What? I-- I'm sorry if I made
Kamui rolled his eyes and walked away
without a word. Whoever had put her up to the joke, he wasn't
finding it particularly funny. Even the soft sobs he heard behind
him as he climbed the stairs to his room didn't slow him
down. Yuzuriha liking him was just... unbelievable. It had to be
some sort of trick.
Once he reached his room, he flopped down
on the bed and stared at the ceiling, hoping no one else would
come along to bother him. He certainly seemed to be in demand
Just as he was beginning to relax, a knock
sounded on the door. Throwing an arm over his face, he groaned
loudly. "Don't come in."
The door swung open anyway, and Kamui heard
Sorata's firm footsteps approaching him. "What did you
do to Yuzu-chan?" the older boy asked angrily.
Kamui sat up. "Huh? I didn't do
"She's down there bawling her
eyes out, saying something about how you rejected her."
Sorata crossed his arms and glared.
"Uh-oh... I thought she was
joking," Kamui offered lamely.
"About what? What happened?"
"She told me she had a crush on me. I
didn't believe she was serious, so I just walked away."
Sorata snorted. "Oh, smooth move!
Really nice, Kamui. No wonder the only romantic attention you get
is from a sadistic psychopath with a neck fetish."
"You're not in any position to
talk." Kamui smirked at him.
For a moment, a sad expression crossed the
monk's face. Then he smiled wryly and chuckled. "I
suppose you're right.... I'm really not." He
sighed softly. "It's... tough sometimes... loving
someone who doesn't love you back..."
Sorata crossed the room and sat down on the
bed beside Kamui. "I don't know... maybe you can
understand, because of the whole situation with your friend. It's
hard having to see her every day and know I can't have
her..." He looked up into Kamui's eyes, his expression
slightly dreamy. "I just wish there was someone who really
Kamui frowned. Sorata was definitely not
acting like himself-- it was more the monk's style to crack
a joke about how maybe Arashi hadn't quite come around yet
but they'd soon be married, or something along those lines.
Sorata edged closer. "I've always
admired you," he said, voice dropping to a whisper.
"But you always seem so sad. Maybe... we could help cheer
each other up..."
The young bishonen's eyes widened. The
lightning master's face was just inches away from Kamui's,
his eyes were closed, and he seemed to be leaning in for a kiss.
Kamui scrambled backwards about a foot, fell off the side of the
bed and landed on his ass on the floor. "Sorata, what the
hell are you doing?" he yelled, stumbling to his feet.
Sorata looked hurt. "Dammit, why does
everyone react like that? I'm not ugly, I'm charming, I'm
a nice guy... does my breath smell or something? Damn!"
Still ranting, he stalked out the door and slammed it behind him.
Kamui, breathing hard, stared at the spot
that the monk had just vacated in shock. First Yuzu, now
Sorata... what was going on here? He knew Keiichi liked him, and
of course Fuuma had some sick BDSM fixation on him, but the other
two had come totally out of left field-- it was unbelievable.
Shrugging, Kamui opened the door and headed
down to the kitchen to get a drink. Maybe they'd all gotten
into Kanoe's crack stash (considering she was a crack whore
and all). He didn't know, and he didn't particularly
care, as long as they left him alone.
He passed the living room and caught a
glimpse of Yuzuriha and Sorata on the couch, the young inugami
mistress still crying and the Kouyan monk comforting her. That
was fine with him. As long as they were concentrating on each
other, they weren't tormenting him.
"What's wrong, Kamui? You look
kind of down," a female voice commented as he entered the
kitchen. Kamui looked up. Karen was sitting at the table, sipping
a cup of tea.
"Nothing," he muttered, opening
the refrigerator and pulling out a can of soda.
The soapgirl finished her tea and set her
mug down on the table, walking over to Kamui. He tensed, almost
expecting her to confess her love as well, then laughed at
himself. At least Sorata and Yuzu were somewhat near his age. The
thought of a mature, adult woman throwing herself at a
fifteen-year-old bishonen was even more ridiculous. Even if it was
Instead, however, she put a hand on his
shoulder and gave him a maternal smile. "I know you've
been through a lot, Kamui. Just... keep hanging in there, and try
to relax. Whatever ends up happening, it'll all be over
Kamui nodded, more out of gratitude that
she wasn't attacking him than actual attention to her words.
"You really do need to relax,"
she said thoughtfully, hand still on his shoulder. "You need
something to take your mind off this whole end of the world
Kamui's muscles tensed up as her hand
slid off his shoulder, onto his chest. "You're right I
do need to relax so maybe I should just go lay down now
Karen's other arm came up to capture
his waist before he could get away. "No... I think I know
what you need," she purred, turning him around so he was
facing her. "I'm very good at.... relaxation
"Karen... stop it! You don't know
"Yes... I do..." She gave a
predatory smile, pressing him firmly against her.
"But... I thought you liked
The older woman laughed slightly. "Oh,
I do. But he's married... he'd never show interest in
me... and you're so pretty..." As she spoke, her
fingers wandered lower and lower on his body, stopping at the
waistband of his pants and--
"Karen-san! What are you
Kamui couldn't see who had spoken,
because Karen was blocking his view, but he recognized Aoki
Seiichirou's voice. He relaxed slightly in the soapgirl's
grip, sure that it would all be over soon. Aoki-san would help
him figure out what was going on.
Karen spun around, loosening her hold on
Kamui. The young teenager quickly moved a few feet away from her
while she was distracted. "Aoki-san... I... I was
"You were just hitting on Kamui, weren't
you?" The expression on the windmaster's face was stern
and disapproving. Kamui relaxed even more. At least he wasn't
alone in this madhouse. He barely resisted the urge to run and
hide behind the older man.
"How could you, Karen-san?" Aoki's
voice had taken on a sorrowful tone. "You knew how I felt,
and still you... you... How could you betray me like this?"
"I'm sorry..." Karen cast
her eyes to the ground, looking ashamed. Kamui frowned, deciding
that the two probably wanted to be left alone, and started to
edge subtly out the door. He had almost made it when Aoki's
arm shot out and grabbed hold of him. He looked up into soft,
concerned hazel eyes.
"I'm sorry, Kamui. I don't
know what Karen-san was thinking. I don't understand how she
could do something like this, knowing how I feel about
"Don't worry," Kamui replied
distractedly, "talk to her and maybe the two of you will
work it ou--" He stopped suddenly, face draining of all
color. "Wait. How you feel about me?"
The windmaster nodded, still staring into
Kamui's eyes. "I've been watching you ever since
we met, and, well..." He blushed. "I think you're
absolutely beautiful... Now, I understand society would frown
upon this, since I'm married, and you're underage...
but I really think we could have a wonderful relationship--"
Aoki kept talking, but Kamui was no longer
listening. Panicked, he looked back and forth between the two
oldest Seals, then shook himself free of Aoki's hand with a
strength he didn't even know he possessed and shot out of
the room like a cannonball.
Once he had gotten far enough away, Kamui
leaned against the wall, panting, and tried to think of a course
of action. Obviously something was seriously wrong with his
teammates-- namely, all of them seemed to suddenly have a
burning, desperate need to get into his pants. It had been bad
enough when it was just Fuuma and Keiichi....
Suddenly a brilliant thought entered Kamui's
mind. If anyone had managed to escape the madness that seemed to
have overtaken everyone, it would probably be because they were
so singleminded that they couldn't even entertain thoughts
of going after anyone else. Someone so obsessively angsty that
thoughts of their loved one took over their mind every second of
Decisively he made his way to Sumeragi
* * * * *
Kamui knocked on the third door on the
"Kamui! There you are! I've been
looking all over-- I wanted to give you this and ask you
Kamui slammed the door. Alright, so that
hadn't been Subaru's room. It had been Arashi's,
and she had come to the door holding a big box of chocolates,
with a lovesick expression on her face. That wasn't too
freaky. Really, it wasn't.
He took a deep breath and tried to clear
his mind. Maybe it was the third door on the left...
"Subaru? Subaru, are you there? I
really need to talk to you..." Kamui paused. "It's
really, really urgent..."
A few rustling noises, a deep sigh, and
footsteps were heard from behind the door. A moment later, it
opened, revealing a rumpled and rather grumpy-looking onmyouji.
"What is it, Kamui?" he asked in his usual soft,
somewhat monotone voice.
"Everyone else has gone crazy,"
Kamui blurted. "Yuzuriha said she had a crush on me, Sorata
tried to kiss me, Karen attempted to molest me and Aoki confessed
his love for me..." The boy barely choked back a sob.
"I don't know what's going on! I thought maybe you
might not be affected, because... you know... the whole
"Speak of the devil," a deep,
smooth voice murmured from behind Subaru. Slowly, a tall, dark
and handsome man came into view, wrapping his arms around Subaru's
waist and smirking at Kamui.
"Me." Sakurazuka Seishirou's
smirk deepened. "Nice to see you again, Kamui. But... I'm
afraid you interrupted a rather... important... meeting...
between your teammate and me. Perhaps your business with
Subaru-kun could wait a few moments--"
"NO!" Kamui yelled, sounding just
a little bit like a spoiled child. "I want to know what's
going on right now, and you two are the only ones who haven't
jumped on me the moment you saw me, so you're going to help
Seishirou and Subaru exchanged glances,
seeming to speak to each other with their eyes. Then Seishirou
shrugged. "You're right, we do need a bit of
excitement... What do you say, Kamui, are you up for a
Subaru smiled-- a rare event in and of
itself, and this was a rather sly, predatory smile at that-- and
reached out to take Kamui's arm. He was a moment too late,
because the younger boy had already run screaming down the
* * * * *
Kamui was on the run. And he was running
out of places to go.
After his attempt to enlist Subaru's
assistance had failed, he had remembered Hinoto, figuring that a
blind, deaf and paralyzed dreamgazer would really have no reason
to go after him romantically. That plan had backfired on him as
well, since the dreaming princess ended up bombarding him with
telepathic flirtations until he'd managed to escape. Even
worse, her sister Kanoe had been there... Kamui shuddered, for
once thanking fate that he had been born with a small build and
the ability to run fast. The woman was probably able to transmit
STDs by simply looking at a person, let alone touching them.
Now he was down to the last card in his
hand. The Dragons of Earth had to be involved in this whole
fiasco somehow. If he could only find their hideout, maybe he'd
be able to get to the bottom of the situation.
But the Dragons of Heaven had been
searching for the Angels' hideout ever since the whole
apocalyptic mess had begun, and they'd had no luck
whatsoever. Kamui ducked into an alley to rest for a moment. He
leaned against the wall and sighed softly, realizing there was no
way he was going to find the Dragons of Earth before one of his
teammates found him and had his or her wicked way with him.
He then began musing about which Seal it
would be least painful to end up sleeping with, and was only
interrupted from this deep, intellectual train of thought by a
sudden glimpse of a sign out of the corner of his eye. Spelled
out in big letters above a side door in the alley were the words:
TOP SECRET HIDEOUT OF THE
DRAGONS OF EARTH
(no pansy DoH allowed!)
Oh, look. A plot device, Kamui
thought gratefully, and hurried over to the door. Slipping
silently inside, he lurked in the doorway and listened for a
"Listen, you creepy anti-social
computer nerd, you don't deserve him! I'm sensitive. I'll
listen to him and cater to his needs. You'd probably spend
five minutes with him and go back to your precious BEAST!"
"You're both wrong. He doesn't
need a sociopathic cyber-chick OR an overmuscled tree hugger.
What he needs is someone charming and handsome... someone who can
make him forget all the pain he's been through. Someone like
"Shut up, water boy! I've known
him since we were little children! And I know his Wish. Oh yeah,
I know what he likes."
"Daddy... I want to play with him too!
Please? I'd be careful with him and I promise I wouldn't
break him... not until you told me to, anyway...."
Kamui nearly passed out. They were talking
about him. So it wasn't a plot cooked up by the Angels.
Maybe everyone in the world was after him. Maybe it was
pheromones, maybe it was the phases of the moon, or maybe it was
just plain mass psychosis. Either way, he had to get out of there
before someone noticed him--
"KAMUI!" Six voices rose in
unison, and the sound of pounding footsteps filled the air. Just
as they reached him, the door flew open and the rest of the
Dragons of Heaven poured in.
Now it was a faceoff, six against six, with
Kamui trapped helplessly in the middle.
"He's ours," Fuuma said with
an evil smirk. "He came to us, not to you."
"He's on our team," Yuzuriha
shot back. "We get first dibs."
"I don't think so, little
girl," Kusanagi snarled. "Ours."
Aoki turned to Karen. "Hey... we found
"We did, didn't we?" The
Dragons of Heaven paused for a moment, looked around, then
shrugged and went back to fighting over Kamui.
The room fell silent, and everyone stared
"Will you all just stop fighting over
me!" the young bishonen yelled, anger coloring his cheeks.
The rest of the Dragons all looked rather
"You're right," Satsuki said
finally. "It's kind of silly."
"Yeah, we should stop," Karen
There was a moment of silence. Finally
Yuuto spoke up.
Everyone cheered. Kamui had only a second
to be terrified before twelve people descended on him all at
* * * * *
"Goooooooood morning Tokyo! It's
a lovely day outside, atop the Tokyo Tower you can see for miles
Kamui rolled over and sent a crackling bolt
of energy toward the alarm clock. It blew up. A moment later, he
sat up and blinked blearily.
And screamed at the top of his lungs.
"Kamui! Kamui, what is it?"
Yuzuriha was the first to reach him, followed by Sorata, Karen,
Aoki, Arashi, and Subaru.
"No. No. You... You get away from
me." Kamui was huddled up in the corner of his bed farthest
from the door, blankets pulled around him like a protective
"Kamui... what's wrong?"
Yuzuriha frowned and took a step toward him.
"GET AWAY FROM ME!" The air
around Kamui crackled with energy, and everyone backed up a few
"It's just us," Karen said
gently. "Your friends. Remember?"
"Oh, I remember, all right,"
Kamui muttered, deathglaring at the older woman. "I remember
YOU trying to MOLEST me yesterday!"
Karen frowned in shock, as everyone else
gave her confused and/or suspicious looks. "Why would I try
to molest you? You're underage. Besides, no offense or
anything, but you're not my type."
Kamui gave an almost hysterical laugh.
"Oh, I'm everyone's type. They're all after
me. All of you, all of the Angels, the dreamgazers... Keiichi...
Fuuma... I'm surprised Kotori's head didn't return
to get in on some of the action!"
There was a long silence, in which Kamui
continued gazing manically around the room and huddling up
tighter in the corner, and everyone else sweatdropped massively.
"Er... perhaps you should get some
rest," Aoki suggested finally.
"You're just waiting for me to
fall asleep so you can have your way with me, Mr. wonderful
relationship'!" Kamui yelled, causing Aoki to turn
about fifty shades of red and take on a rather clueless
expression (oh, wait, he always looks like that).
"O-kaaaay. We'll leave you alone
now," Sorata muttered, managing to drag the rest of the
Seals out of the room. Subaru went back in for a moment, a barely
coherent shout mentioning something about a threesome was heard,
and the onmyouji came back out looking rather pale.
"... Anyone know a good
psychiatrist?" Arashi said a moment later.
Sorata snorted. "Let's see... an
emotionally repressed ice queen, a tormented young man with a
death wish, a little girl with an ice cream fixation and a thing
for much older guys, a married man with a crush on a soapgirl,
and... well, a soapgirl. Do you think any of us know a
"What about you?" Arashi shot him
an icy glare.
"There's nothing wrong with
me." Sorata grinned, and was promptly smacked upside the
"He'll be fine," Karen said.
"I'm sure he just needs some rest."
"Just out of curiosity..." Aoki
coughed, "did any of you try to molest him?"
"No!" five voices chorused.
* * * * *
Elsewhere in the city, a lone redhead in a
green coat was walking the streets, chuckling to himself.
Suddenly, a tall dark-haired man in a cream-colored suit
materialized in front of him, glaring fiercely.
"I knew I'd find you here. How
many times do I have to tell you to stop universe-hopping? It's
dangerous! If you get caught--"
"Oh, loosen up." The redhead
smirked and gestured around him. "It's nice here.
Plenty of angsty thoughts to feast upon. And bish-- did I mention
The dark-haired man sighed heavily.
"You've traumatized that poor boy for life, you know.
He's never going to be the same."
"He needed a little fun. Needed to
loosen up, just like you do..." The redhead pulled the other
man in for a rough, bruising kiss.
When they finally parted, the other man
closed his eyes and sighed again. "Why can't you ever
settle for fucking with local minds? Come on, let's
Simultaneously, they both disappeared.
* * * * *
The next day:
Kamui was trudging down the sidewalk on his
way to CLAMP Campus for classes. He was nearly recovered from his
horrible shock, although there was still a nervous, fragile air
about him, as if he were expecting to be leapt upon and ravaged
at any moment.
Kamui groaned aloud. Keiichi was about the
last person he wanted to see right now.
No. Fuuma was, he decided upon hearing the
dark, low voice calling his name. But Keiichi was a close second.
And they were both headed straight for him.
"Shirou-kun, I was wondering if I
could walk you to class--"
"Kamui... you promised..."
Kamui stood still, closed his eyes, and
"Who are you, and why are you looking
at Shirou-kun like that?"
"None of your business, genki boy. Go
skip around in a flower garden or something."
"Hey! You're not very nice-- and
I don't think Kamui appreciates you touching him
"If Kamui had a problem with it, he
would tell me. And I would ignore him, but the point is... he
would tell me. And he's not saying a word."
"Well, I'm going to walk him to
class, so you just... butt out!"
"Oooh, scary. Well, Kamui promised me
I could molest him today... it's been five whole days
now. And he promised."
Kamui took a deep breath, counted to ten,
waited until the two boys were definitely distracted by arguing
with each other, and took off like a shot. When he looked behind
him, both Fuuma and Keiichi were hot on his heels.
Some things never changed.