I want nothing more than to see you there…
Being dead, yet still alive is an odd experience. I guess you could say that being undead feels strange, but it doesn't. My body doesn't feel heat, cold, or pain. It doesn't feel anything. The only thing I feel is hate. But even though I hate everything, I have begun to think.
Mostly what I think about is my life before Naraku killed me, and I passed on. Back to when I guarded the Shikon no Tama from youkai…youkai like you. I remember what it felt like, the day I realized that you meant more to me than I had originally thought. That was the day I pinned you to a tree, and told you that I wouldn't kill you. You were too much like me, too caught between two worlds. I was a human woman, yet also a miko. As such, I could never live my life the way I wanted to. You, too, could never live your life the way you wanted to. For though you were human, you were also half inu, half youkai. A hanyou. Your youkai blood tormented you, and made you long to be full blooded.
We lived between the worlds. And, as such, became the perfect partners for each other. You began to seek my company. I must admit, at first, I had no idea what you were doing. I felt stalked until I realized that I could talk to you. Yes, at first our conversations were stinted, awkward things, but they grew to be so much more. I looked forward to meeting with you, and began to cleanse myself each day.
I can't really say when my thoughts turned towards affection, but I knew that yours had first. It was an easy thing to do, slip into love. Easier than I thought it would be. Easier than it should be.
We started to talk about the Shikon no Tama, the bane of my existence. You had tried to steal it because, corrupted, it could turn you into a full youkai. Purified, the way I had kept it for years, it could change you into a full human. We talked about that, about how if you used the Shikon no Tama to become human, it would disappear, leaving me free to live a normal life with you.
Eventually, you decided that you would become human for me. We settled on a date and place for your transformation. That's when Lady Fate took things in her own hands, and twisted.
Naraku, once Onigumo, a sick man I nursed until he died, took on your form, and wounded me in the field. It was your voice I heard say that you never wanted to be human. That crushed my heart. I truly had thought that you and I could be happy together.
Not long after that, I sealed you to the Goshinboku, the God Tree. I hated you when I caught you again, but…I only sealed you. Even in the depth of my hate, I couldn't bring myself to kill you. It would have been so easy, too. But, no, I sealed you.
Hatred was what propelled me when I was rebirthed. Hatred left over from what I perceived as your betrayal. That was the only part of me that I kept, the only part of my soul. Hatred is a powerful emotion, more powerful than even love. Hatred is what comforts me each night, what I wake up to, what I live.
But, I think I'm changing. I've come to realize that what I hate is being undead, and needing my Shinidamachu to sustain myself. Perhaps…perhaps my hatred is cracking. I no longer feel the hot rush of hate when I look at you, Inuyasha. I no longer want to rip you apart for betraying me, if not what Naraku made me think, then by falling in love with Kagome. I no longer...feel…anything. Not hate, not love, not anything.
I finally feel at peace with most of the world. You, for breaking your vow to go with me, even to the depths of hell. Everything I've dealt with since I was reborn. Everything, except Naraku. I will never be at peace with him. But everything else, it is only Naraku that kindles my hatred, my one emotion. If he kills me for a second time, I will have no regrets, no pain. I will move on, and not look back.
It's not real, but it's ours…
Authoress's corner- And ya'll thought I wouldn't update. Haha. Well, not really. I'm not doing too well w/NaNoWriMo, and wanted to take a moment to watch some anime. It inspired me to write this. Now, I am not a Kikyo fan. But I have started to see things more from her side of the story. As always, please R&R. (APS is coming along nicely- I'm close to done with the fifth chapter. Just wait a little longer, please. My muse is untrustworthy right now, what with NaNoWriMo and all. I).
Fair Skies, Eclipse Bloodmoon p