A/N: I own none of this. I do not own Harry Potter or any rights to his image or personality. I do not own the moon or the stars. I do not own human genders, other than my own personal original factory equipment. Honest. Nope, not me. I most certainly do not own the rights to a billion dollar literary work.
A/N2: Be forewarned, this fic is especially silly and should not be taken seriously, I mean the idea that a minor house populated with minor characters could be running the universe… So, without further ado:
Harry Potter and It's a Hufflepuff Omniverse
"B-blood of the enemy… forcibly taken… you will… resurrect your foe."
Harry could do nothing to prevent it, he was tied too tightly… Squinting down, struggling hopelessly at the ropes binding him, he saw the shining silver dagger shaking in Wormtail's remaining hand. He felt its point penetrate the crook of his right arm and blood seeping down the sleeve of his torn robes. Wormtail, still panting with pain, rumbled in his pocket for a glass vial and held it to Harry's cut, so that a dribble of blood fell into it.
He staggered back to the cauldron with Harry's blood. He poured it inside. The liquid within turned, instantly, a blinding white. Wormtail, his job done, dropped to his knees beside the cauldron, then slumped sideways and lay on the ground, cradling the bleeding stump of his arm, gasping and sobbing.
The cauldron was simmering, sending its diamond sparks in all directions, so blindingly bright that it turned all else to velvety blackness. Nothing happened…
Let it have drowned. Harry thought, let it have gone wrong…
And then, suddenly, the sparks emanating from the cauldron were extinguished. A surge of white steam billowed thickly from the cauldron instead, obliterating everything in front of Harry, so that he couldn't see Wormtail or Cedric or anything but vapor hanging in the air… Its gone wrong, he thought… it has drowned… please… please let it be dead…
But then, through the mist in front of him, he saw, with an icy surge of terror, the dark outline of a man, tall and skeletally thin, rising slowly from inside the cauldron.
"Robe me," said the high, cold voice from behind the steam, and Wormtail, sobbing and moaning, still cradling his mutilated arm, scrambled to pick up the black robes from the ground, got to his feet, reached up, and pulled them one handed over his master's head. The thin man stepped out of the cauldron, staring at Harry… and Harry stared back into the face that had haunted his nightmares for three years. Whiter than a skull, with wide, livid scarlet eyes and a nose that was flat as a snakes with slits for nostrils…
Lord Voldemort had risen again.
Excerpt from Harry Potter and the Goblet of Fire
Voldemort examined his new body, rudely ignoring Harry, ignoring Wormtail, ignoring Cedric who evidently hadn't read the dailies, and was still working off the Blue pages instead of the Green pages and was slowly regaining consciousness instead of being dead. Flexing his fingers, then his hands and arms, he rotated his neck, and then flexed his entire body, stretching every extremity. Good. Now for the real test of a reborn Dark Lord: His Evil Laugh.
"Is magic not wonderful Mr. Potter?"
"Oh, are you done chewing on the scenery? Go to hell you Ham."
"Owie! Hey cut that out! Those things sting like nobodies business!" Voldemort released the curse and looked dumbfounded.
"What?" Harry asked. "I survived the killing curse. Why would you be surprised that a pain curse doesn't have much effect?"
"You must have a weakness Potter; I will torture you before I unleash my plot device!"
"You've got a plot device?"
"I do, Bwa-ha-ha-ha-ha!"
"Now just hold on. A minute ago you were that pathetic scab covered baby thing, and now you've got a plot device? That doesn't make any sense."
"What makes sense isn't your concern Potter! Bwa-ha-ha-ha-ha!"
"Not my concern? Are you kidding me? Look up at the mast head on this story, does it say "Tom Riddle and … whatever? Hell no, it clearly says "Harry Potter". I'm the Hero. You're only the villain and even then you go against type and completely refuse to be the most interesting character in the piece. Where did you get a plot device?"
"None of your business Potter." Voldemort growled, clearly not liking the way this situation was going.
"Ok, fine. I'm done. I'm not having anything to do with this story until it starts making sense." Still tied to the tombstone Harry jumped and the stone turned slightly to the left, after 20 (or so) more jumps, Harry (and the tombstone) were facing away from Riddle and the readers.
"You think you can ignore me Potter?"
Harry just continued to ignore him while humming the theme to Equs
"Oh alright Potter, I ordered my Reality Ripper Turbo 5000 from Evil Inc. When he was hiding at Hogwarts as the pet rat to your friend Weasley he lifted Dumbledore's wallet, I've got his credit cards and have been maxing them out. The Reality Ripper maxed out the Discover card. Happy now you big baby?"
"Evil Inc?" Harry jump moved his tombstone back around to face Riddle. "They're good. All the best villains get their stuff there. Dr. Doom, Thanos, Luthor, Rainbow Brite. Alright Tom, way to go. I always knew you were a top drawer bad guy!"
Riddle blushed (not an easy thing to do when you're a paste snake skinned guy)
"Oh, stop. Enough of this, first torture, then the Reality Ripper Turbo 5000! Let me see what you fear!" Riddle brought his wand to bear "Legimens!"
Riddle dove into Harry's mind, searching for the one thing that would terrify the boy. There.
"I know Potter, I know what frightens you!"
"Yes Potter, I know your darkest fear." He turned to his cowering minon. "Wormtail!"
"Yes Master!" Wormtail had been wondering if he was going to get any lines in this thing, or just lay on the ground bleeding from his severed hand.
"Wormtail, stop doing your Peter Lorre impression, and get me… "He paused for dramatic effect "Teen aged Nyphomaniacs."
"No!" screamed Potter, "Not the pause for dramatic effect Teenaged Nymphomaniacs."
"Yes Potter, the pause for dramatic effect Teenaged Nymphomaniacs"
"Do your worst Tom! At least they won't all have big boobies!"
"Wormtail, Make sure they all have big boobies
"No! Not the pause for dramatic effect teenaged Nymphomaniacs with big boobies. At least there won't be any warm baby oil."
"Ha! I foil you again. Wormtail, make sure there is plenty of warm baby oil."
"What did I tell you about that Peter Lorre impression? Stop that!."
"Damn you Tom. How am I supposed to withstand the pause for dramatic effect teenaged Nymphomaniacs with warm baby oil? At least there won't be any beer or porn videos to give them interesting ideas."
"Wormtail, make sure there is plenty of beer and many interesting porn video so that they all get interesting id…" Realization slowly on the reborn Dark Lord. "Wait a minute. Since when are you afraid of porn videos?" He stared into Harry's eyes. "You sneaky little bastard."
"Crap. It was the porn videos wasn't it? Stop at the beer I told myself, but no, you were buying it hook, line, and sinker…"
"Damn you Potter. Wormtail, Set up the Reality Ripper Turbo 5000."
"Yes Master" yes master yes master, great lines you hack, I've got a bloody OBE, and my lines all turn out to be 'yes master'. I should have gone to work in the post office like my dad, but NOOOO!
"Stop muttering to yourself Wormtail. You're gonna get it now Potter!"
"Oh dear, woe is me."
"I don't know how gullible you think I am Potter but…"
"How gullible. It means easily deceived or cheated." Voldemort explained.
"Why do you feel the need to make up words? Doesn't being a reborn Dark Lord do it for you? Why make up words like gullible?"
"Gullible is a perfectly adequate word in the English Language Potter."
"Sure it is Tommy. Just use your plot device and get this overwith before you embarrass your self some more by making us some more words. Sheesh 'gullible'. What a feeb."
"Damn you Potter, gullible IS a word."
"Sure it is Tommy, it's a word that the people who write dictionaries don't know about."
"Wormtail! Get me a dictionary!"
"Yes Master" Don't fix my arm or anything; I'm bleeding to death here. The animagus disappeared with a crack.
"You'll see Potter, you'll see."
"Sure I will Tommy. Wow. Luna Lovegood always talks about made up animals, making up words is just, I don't know, pathetic."
Wormtail reappeared holding a huge unabridged OED. Riddle snatched it away from him and began paging through it looking for the Gs.
"Damn it Wormtail, there's blood all over this dictionary. Here, Gullible. Right here, See?"
He looked up into Harry's face, Potter was grinning at him. "I think we now know just how gullible you are…"
"You little bastard."
"Lsr sx wt" Harry mumbled.
"Loser says what."
Riddle screamed in fury and punched the actuation button on the Reality Ripper Turbo 5000. An electric blue beam of light lanced out and hit Harry in the chest, and the boy faded from view.
"I really hate that kid." Riddle said looking to the sky. "I sure hope I didn't just screw over an alternate reality version of myself." He reflected some more. "Ah well, better him than me."