Ah, the ever so lovely why-the-bloody-CHICKEN-are-you-writing-another-story-when-you-have-atleast-20-other-UNFINISHED-ones.

The joy.

Taking a quick break from my many other stories (which I really should be working on…) I've come up with this. Hopefully you have as much fun reading it as I had writing it. Oh, and before I forget, say hello to my beta(s) everyone!

Alice: Hi!

Edward: Hello.

Yeah, the Cullens right? Cool isn't it? Jasper's working on writing his chapter for Crazy Cullen Chronicles –"A Thrilling Night"- which he wants me to proofread, so he's not sitting here with me right now.

Moving on.

In this story, we're making fun of all the characters you don't like. For more info, read the Author's Note at the end.

Disclaimer: In Profile.

This was written by Kate, and her cousins Chels and Drew. :D

Newton Nuisance

(Mike's PoV)

Today was just like any other day. My pop-tart fell into that small space in the toaster -resulting in a burn-, dad put metal in the microwave, mom's pie/cake thing blew up in the oven, and my car broke down, making me walk to school. Oh, and then it started to pour.

Yup, just like any normal day.

It took longer than I expected to get to Forks High School, and by the time I had just gotten to the parking lot, the bell signaling the start of class rang.

Oh great.

My mood darkened as I walked grumbling through the mud to Government.

The teacher looked none to thrilled to see me walking into class a few minutes late.

"- and class, it would be such a wondrous event if we also decided to show up on time." I couldn't help but glare at her as I turned to find an open seat.

Lo and behold, I found one.

Right next to Jessica.

Groaning inwardly I sat down, dropped my bag with a squish, and listened to Jessica's immediately babbling. I folded my arms in defeat, trying to wring rainwater out of my sleeve. Ms. Harrison stopped speaking for a moment, and turned her attention to Jessica as I sank lower in my chair.


"-And then, we were all like, 'Oh-my-god!' and, and, in the midst of all this happening, a bird, like, flew into the windshield! I was all, like, 'Oh-my-god, what bird flies into a windshield!'"

"Obviously it was blind sited by her ugliness." Some kid snickered to his friend, earning himself a warning look from the teacher.

"That said, keep talking, and you get a detention, the both of you. Ms. Stanley and Mr. Newton."

"But I didn't-"

"Are you contradicting me Mr. Newton?"

"But, but, but but but! I didn't do nutin'!"

"Proper English please Mr. Newton. Something you should have learned in first grade." My mouth gaping like a fish on land, the rest of the class chuckling quietly.

"But I. DIDN'T. DO. NUTIN'!"


"Yeah, his ma and pa don't want him goin' ta school no mo'." This was said by that creepy country boy that keeps talking about his 'Mama said life's like a box of choco-late, you neva' kno' what cha gonna git.' His friend next to him nodded in sympathy.

"Nuff said boy, nuff said."

"Mr. Hickory and Mr. Woodstock! Please keep your indecent comments about nothing in particular to yourselves."

"But my Mama always said-"

"'Life's like a box of choco-late, you neva' kno' what cha gonna git.'" The whole class mumbled, rolling their eyes as he nodded.


"And what's your name?"

"Gump. Forest Gump." He smiled smugly as Ms. Harrison's face grew redder.

"Well then, Mr. Hickory Gump Forest Gump, would you kindly escort yourself to the office at once!"

"But my Mama-"

"I DON'T CARE WHAT YOUR MOTHER SAID! SHE OBVIOUSLY DROPPED YOU ON YOUR HEAD A FEW TO MANY TIMES! GET OUT OF MY CLASS!" Jessica shrieked, scared the crap out of me, which caused me to fall to the floor. I ended up in a puddle created by my soaking clothes, and grumbled as I got back into my chair, my butt now soaked.

As Hickory Gump Forest something rather made his way out of the room, Ms. Harrison turned back to face Jessica and I, still red in the face.

"Now Ms. Stanley, is there something you wanted the class to know about?" Jessica's eyes widened and she sat there speechless. Ms. Harrison started to tap her foot, but when she realized Jessica wouldn't say anything, she turned to me.

"Mr. Newton? I'm waiting."

"W-Waiting? F-for what? I didn't say anything! It was all her!" I pointed to Jessica, shaking slightly. Jessica shot me a death glare and Ms. Harrison rolled her eyes.

"I don't have time for this. Please see me after school today Mr. Newton."


"And no buts." I moaned, sinking into my chair as the teacher spun around to face the board, just in time for the bell to ring.

I darted out of the room, dreading the rest of the day. My spirits rose when I saw Bella, I waved weakly, only for my self-esteem to sink when I saw Cullen walk up to her.


I growled in my mind, imagining how much fun it would be to smack that smile off his sorry face.

I let out a deep breath of fury when he looked over at me and smiled as Bella stood there puzzled.


My lunch tray clattered against the cheap, fake wood plastic table. Dis-hearted, I sat down. The talking around me immediately ceased. Confused, I looked up to see what was wrong with my table mates. Where Tyler should have been was…..A CHEERLEADER?!

Holding in a startled scream, I did a double take, and found myself sitting at the 'preppy table'. Cheerleader here, cheerleader there. Cheerleaders, cheerleaders, CHEERLEADERS!

Jackpot. Maybe I can hit on one.

I smiled at one and was about to say 'How you doin'?' when a shadow was cast over me. The girl across from me started giggling as I slowly turned around to see her quarterback boyfriend standing there behind me. At this point, the whole cafeteria was silent and looking at me. My face flushed and the quarterback glared down at me.

"Newton." My breath came out in a dull whoosh as his buddies stared jabbing at me with insults.

"Is there a problem?" I squeaked, mentally slapping myself. The footballers seemed taken aback, but soon recovered.

"Nah, I don't have a problem with dumping you in the trash can." I tried to laugh quietly, but it came out like a whine as he bared his teeth at me. As he reached toward me, I yelped, jumping up and running toward my lunch table.

I looked down as I took my seat, after making sure that Tyler was next to me. Connor coughed, trying to hide his laughter and I looked up to glare at him.

"Shut up." Jessica rolled her eyes and turned back to Lauren, shooting glances at me every so often. "Today sucks." I muttered as I leaned back. Tyler shrugged.

"Hey man, cheer up. There's still gym." At this I perked up a bit.

"Yeah, I guess you're right."

"Always am." Tyler smiled, grabbing his water bottle from Eric. We all gave Tyler a 'are you stupid?' look. "Well……sometimes." Ben and Angela laughed as Tyler began to choke on his water.

"There bones in that water…….that we didn't about?" Tyler glared at me and coughed again.

"Think you're funny huh?"

"Yes I do actu-HEY!" I jumped up, and Tyler dropped his now half empty water bottle as he doubled over in laughter.

"Couldn't make it to the bathroom huh pal?"

"You dingbatt!"


"10-0!" Coach Clapp yelled across the gym. Jessica shrieked as the tennis ball came toward. I dove attempting to be her knight in shining armor that couldn't stand her.

The ball sailed back over the net as I stood up, Jessica's hands still covering her head.

"Oh my god…oh my god…" She started to repeat over and over. Connor sent to ball back over toward me as I smacked it, taking out some of my pent up anger. Lauren ducked and Connor ran over, just in time to prevent the ball from hitting her. Connor shot me a 'What are you trying to do?' look. I shrugged.


Cullen stood on the one side of the net, barely tapping the yellow ball back to his sister as she returned the favor. Bella stood posed and ready, but terrified. Cullen reached out, smacking the ball away from her.

My shoulders slumped as I remember being the one who used to 'protect' her before she even met him.

Why Cullen? What's he ever done for her? He left, broke her heart. I was the one who kept her company during that time. I was the one who didn't push her away. I was there for her! He wasn't! And then he comes back like nothing happened! Like he owns the place!

I swear I saw him glare at me with dark eyes, and I just glared back. Bella gasped as she attempted the hit the ball. It soared up and over, but barely. Cullen smiled smugly at both me and her.

We'll see who's smiling when he has a tennis racket shoved up his-

"Mike! Look out!"




The word 'dingbatt' is an insult. A very funny insult I might add. (You must ask to use this word! Or else… :))

If you didn't know, Mike called Tyler a dingbatt because he poured water on his jeans, making it look like he wet himself.

And there you have it. Mike got hit in the...lower...abdomen... with a tennis ball because he was too busy coming up with schemes to injure/hurt our dear Edward.

Edward: Does it bother you that I don't feel comfortable with you talking about me?

……..No, not really.

Oh, FYI, my cousin thinks you're hot.

Bella: Everyone thinks that.

Edward: Well, I'm sorry Kate's cousin, but Bella's the only one for me.

-mutters- He thinks.

Edward: What was that?


Alice: Hmm…


Mr. Hickory Gump Forest Gump: My Mama always said, life's like a box of ch-


Mr. Hickory Gump Forest Gump: (continuing from where he left off)-oco-late, ya neva' kno' what cha gonna git!

Oh yeah? Well I know that you're about to get a knuckle sandwich in about two seconds!

Mr. Hickory Gump Forest Gump: Well-

-insert sounds of a fight here-

Edward: OO


Alice: o.O

(Kate's cousin)Chels: XD

Bella: Should we call someone?


Edward: ……..Right.

Alice: Maybe we should just stop here and let people review now?

Bella & Edward: Yeah, probably.

Chels: NEVA'! (Meaning: "I' not gonna stop talking, BUT! You can read and review!")

-fight continues-

-Edward, Alice, and Bella quietly leave the room, leaving Chels-


((Now ignoring this very stupid Author's Note here, I'd like to tell you what this story's really about. Simple enough really. We're taking some of Twilight's most un-liked characters and making fun of them.

So…we're going to make fun of……..Mike, Jessica, Lauren, and any other Twilight characters you don't like. Except for Jake. He's cool. :)

So if you have any Twilight characters you don't like, tell me, and they'll be made fun of.


-Kate and her cousin Chelsea.))