A/N Another Sirius/Bella (non incest styled) conversation fic. Pity me, I have nothing else to do.
Disclaimer: JK, nothing would give me more pleasure than owning your characters, but just because the thought of Rudd being the PM gives me pleasure, doesn't make it true. Actually my points not entirely valid because he is now PM but still... I don't own your characters. Just like no one else can copy my intellectual property, ya hear?
In The End
"You're going to end up with them one day."
"You know and you don't leave?"
"Why should I?"
"Because it's wrong."
"There is no right and wrong Sirius. Only the perception of right and wrong. And what you perceive to be wrong I perceive to be very right."
"You're a liar."
"I just said you were."
"But do you believe it?"
He paused and looked away. The stars weren't visible that night. All the two young teenagers could see were the faint lights from the castle, and a very blurry silhouette of each other.
"If it's not a perception Sirius, would you forgive me if I did the wrong thing?"
"Why do you keep saying that?"
"Because you said it to me first and that means you don't trust my answer, and if you can't trust me then it means there was never any trust between us in the first place which means I don't trust you."
"That makes no sense."
"It makes all the sense in the world if one thing leads to another which I'm hoping is true at this point, because if you don't forgive me it means you'll hate me and I so want to believe that hate leads to love in the end."
"So you're saying we all end up in the same place one day?"
"More or less. We'll all die, one day. Each and every one of us. And the difference between you and me Sirius is that ending up in the same place scares me while it doesn't scare you."
"You don't sound like you want this."
"Don't I?" She laughed nervously, "I guess I must then, because I always manage to be the biggest walking contradiction in the world."
"How can you deal with it? How can you stand it?"
"We become very good at dealing with things after a while Sirius. With accepting situations and not saying anything. That's what you do when you're apathetic and scared. You accept everything and question nothing because it's easier. I'm not like you. The thought of accepting makes you sick, but the thought gives me comfort because I know that I won't have to work too hard or push the boundaries."
"You haven't lived if you haven't pushed the boundaries."
"You haven't lived if you haven't succeeded. You haven't lived if you haven't gotten your dream. You haven't lived if you haven't pushed the boundaries and questioned everything… Have you ever considered that's only what the people who have done those things say about life? Have you ever considered that life is much less romantic than that? That living is simply surviving?"
"Not until now. Because I've never been able to turn my head off long enough to believe it."
"You're lucky. Some of us are exceptionally talented at turning off our heads and not listening."
"That's not true."
"I'm not lying."
"Yes you are. You just don't know it."
"How can I lie and not know it?"
"Believe me it's easy."
"How would you know you've lied if you can't tell?"
"Then why are you speaking as if you're an expert on it?"
"Because the only logical explanation for me being in the position I'm in now is that I lied to myself without knowing."
"I don't understand you Bella."
"That," She paused, "Is the truth."
"Stop pretending you don't care."
"No I don't."
"Yes you do. You do care."
"Bella we could do this all day, but you're obviously under the impression that I do care and no matter how much I argue otherwise you are not going to believe me. So I'm going to leave."
She grabbed his arm and pulled him back with surprising strength.
"I'm trying to make you care Sirius."
"Because then you'll come back."
"I'll never come back."
"You say that now, but you might want to one day. Blood is thicker than water."
"Remind me to use extra strong jinxes then when I try and sever the ties with my family."
"You'll have a miserable existence if you fight us Sirius. I know you know that."
"Lots of people have miserable existences. Why should I be any different?"
"Because people I love don't get to have miserable existences."
"You're naïve Bella."
"So are you Sirius."
"Not quite as naïve as you."
"Maybe not, but I'm not under the impression I can handle a miserable existence."
"People all over the world handle miserable existences."
"No they don't. They're miserable."
"So are you. When you get to having a miserable existence you'll see that despite your nobility it's not what you want."
"You don't want to be noble?"
"I don't want to be miserable."
"You will be you know."
"No I won't Sirius. Because I've always used our blood status to my advantage and know full well that doing so provides a very comfortable life style."
"You think that now. But you wait."
"I will wait."
"I can't be miserable. I'm one of the luckiest girls in Britain. If I can't be happy, who can?"
"No they're not. We all live miserably Bella, whether you like it or not."
"I don't like it."
"I know. You don't like a lot of things. That doesn't change how life works."
"How does life work Sirius?" She asked angrily, "Does anybody know how life works?"
"We all do." He answered, "We're all living it. If anyone's an expert on life, it's us."
"That means I'm perfectly qualified to tell you how life works. And I don't think everybody is miserable."
"You're miserable. And you said it yourself, if you can't be happy, who can?"
"I never said I was miserable."
"You didn't have to."
"Yes I do have to. You don't know how I feel."
"Yes I do. You tell me you're miserable all the time. At the breakfast table when you look wistfully out the doors like you can't wait to run like stink, when you talk to me and you have this tone that makes me think you've accepted your lot…"
"I have, but I'm not miserable about it."
He shook his head.
"I'm not!" She protested fiercely, "I will always be comfortable."
"Will your conscious be comfortable?"
"Yes. I'm less noble than you."
"That's not true."
"Stop telling me what I am and what I'm not!"
"Everybody is noble. Some are just more afraid."
"Or insane." She countered, "Which I am."
"If you believe that, you're not insane."
"If I say I am, I am!"
"If you say you're not, you are."
"Now you're just contradicting me."
"Insane women are convinced they're not insane. You're convinced you are."
"With good reason."
"If you believe that." He said softly, "Then you are miserable after all."
"My mother wants me to marry Rodolphus."
"Of course she does."
"What does that mean?"
"Exactly what you think it means."
"I think it means that you're saying my mother is a predictable pure blood."
"Just like I said; exactly what you think it means."
"You shouldn't talk about your Aunt like that."
"That's exactly what you'll say to dear dear Rod when he has a go at his mother in law. Sick isn't it?"
"Cissy married Lucius."
"Great, I hope they love their retarded children."
"Pot calling the kettle black don't you think?"
"No I don't. Besides, Cissy and Lucius are happy."
"Will you be happy with Rodolphus Bella?"
She pauses, "No. I'd only be happy with you."
He spluttered because that was the last thing he expected to hear, "We're blood relatives!"
"Rodolphus is my blood relative too."
"So? You may be alright with incest but it doesn't do anything for me."
"When you think about it Sirius, we're all cousins."
"Funny then that our parents distance themselves from the muggles, if we're all cousins."
"You know what I mean."
"What? That the person I'll end up marrying will be my cousin anyway? I doubt it Bella. I doubt it."
Her eyes filled with tears, "You don't want to marry me?"
He sighed, "Bella I love you. But I love you like my sister, not my wife."
"Is there a difference?"
"There should be."
"Lots of things should be different. But they aren't."
"I think it's wrong."
"So you could love me like a wife then? It's not me; it's just your morals?"
"Maybe. I'd only know the answer to that if one day you weren't my cousin, and I don't see that happening."
"I want to marry you."
"Your mother wouldn't allow it."
"My mother has wanted me to marry you since I was five."
"Until I became the family traitor that is."
"If you married me you'd be redeemed."
"I don't want to be redeemed Bella."
"You love your rebel cause more than me?"
"No, but I also love you like a sister."
"You said you're not sure if there's a difference between love of sister and wife."
"I know. I'm not sure there is. In some cases there mightn't be. But to me, it does feel like there is a difference."
"I don't feel the difference."
"You don't feel a lot of things I feel."
"If you didn't have a conscience would you marry me?"
"In a heart beat."
"There isn't a difference then!"
"Yes there is because I do have a conscience."
"But what if you didn't?"
"What if I didn't? What if the world stopped spinning? What if we didn't exist? Then what? There are lots of possibilities if we talk hypothetically."
"I wish we could live hypothetically."
"So do I." He sighed, drawing her into a hug, "So do I."
"This is the highest honour."
"We're both in the same place cousin. Both in the same hell. Both tarnished with the same fate. If I'm sick, then you're sick."
She laughed mechanically.
"What's happened to you?"
"Everything I wanted to happen to me."
"You didn't want to serve him."
"Lies!" She shouted furiously.
"You may say they're lies Bella but you know they're not. He can see you."
"Master he is lying." She spat venomously, "He doesn't know."
"Know what? Know who? You? Bella I know you better than he'll ever dream of knowing you. You may be his most devoted servant but you still have secrets and a past you can't get rid of. You're still human."
"I'm above mortality."
"You always said that mortality scared you. That ending up in the same place as everyone else was frightening. That's why this is all happening, insecurity has driven you sick bastards to immortality."
"Only problem is, you still haven't reached it."
Bellatrix sized herself up angrily; "That's what you think. You who refused to serve the Dark Lord. You'll see that my faith in his power will save me. No one will save you."
He shrugged with a manic grin.
"Like you said, we're in the same boat, the same hell...This is 'In the end.' And if no one saves me, no one saves you."
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