Rated - PG. Warning - There is a high possibility of a random person possessing a large flamboyant afro.
I am writing this as after playing through Colosseum (and XD) I felt that there were too many plot gaps in the storyline.
For example, why did Wes destroy the Team Snagem hideout in the first place? Why did Rui just 'accept' the fact that Wes was part of Team Snagem in the first place as if it was a minor detail? How come do the NPC's whom you snag shadow Pokemon off not give a second thought about the loss of their Pokemon? What's up with Miror B's hair anyway? And why, oh why do several characters have the inability to change facial expressions?
Anyway, I shall attempt to answer at least most of those questions – and more – with my own retelling of the Pokemon Colosseum storyline, as well as trying to make the storyline, well, much funnier. Expect some changes to the basic plotline as well to the Colosseum storyline.
And so it begins!
The Retelling of Pokémon Colosseum
Prologue - Rebellion
Somewhere in the middle of the vast expanse of the Orre desert, a wild Skarmory was flying back to his nest, battling against the harsh, howling wind which carried with it clumps of sand, tumbleweed and small children. The bright grains of sand which gave the air a yellow hue pelted the Skarmory's hard body but he ignored it, being used to such conditions. Once again, he had been hunting for his breakfast, and once again, he had been unsuccessful in his never-ending quest for food.
It was not because this silvery, metal-plated bird was no good at looking for food. On the contrary, it was an achievement that he had survived for so long in the barren region. However, the population of wild Pokémon had recently decreased even further below the modest number it had been, and all due to one newcomer.
In Skarmory's humble opinion, all the trouble started when that good-for-nothing, stupid man with funny, pointy hair coming out from around his nose and eyes showed up near his nest and started constructing that big, grey building. And then he brought in Pokémon and…
No, that didn't bear thinking about. The wild Skarmory tried to focus his mind on other things. Like how to impress that female Skarmory near his territory…
Suddenly the bird spotted something. A small and almost insignificant bright-orange object was wandering around below, sticking out against the pale-yellow sand. Skarmory grinned, his eyes suddenly gaining a glint of triumph. Circling once, he suddenly dropped like a stone towards the object, his steel body making it all too easy for him to accelerate towards earth and his target.
"Skarr!" (You're mine!)
With a quick couple of jabs with his razor-sharp beak, he made quick work of the baby Trapinch which had strayed too far from its nest. The Skarmory then scooped up the squealing Pokémon in his mouth, and with another cry of 'Skarr!', he flew off with renewed energy towards his nest, pausing every so often to retrieve the Trapinch he kept dropping clumsily.
Meanwhile, two people stood inside a plain building hidden inside the mountains and rocks that made up the tall and narrow passageway called Eclo Canyon. They were well protected from the persistent wind that threw itself at the windows. They ignored the sounds it made though, choosing instead to focus on the other.
One towered over the other in stature, with the facial expressions one might expect to see on a rampaging Tauros rather than a person. This alone prompted many of the members of Team Snagem to address the man with 'Sir Honourable and Super-Smart Leader-Guy Gonzap please don't hurt me' – it was hard to disagree with a man built like a weightlifter and with a personality like Gonzap's. More noticeable though than the muscles the man sported was the lack of hair he possessed on the top of his head, which seemed to have migrated down for unknown reasons. A large pair of eyebrows and moustache jutted out from his face for quite a rather remarkable distance. Nobody made jokes about that though. Leastways, nobody would have dared when Gonzap was around – the members of Team Snagem considered it fair game when he was elsewhere, and so did the teenager who was currently talking to Gonzap.
"So that's all you could muster? Two Voltorb? First Jacob comes back and brings a Dunsparce of all things – who honestly trains or wants one of those things? - and now this!" Gonzap bellowed at the adolescent. The youth grimaced slightly as he scratched his silver-tinged hair, and then brushed off some sand his blue trench-coat had gained before he came inside the building to report back to Gonzap. An annoyed glare aimed directly at Gonzap was hidden behind a pair of blue glasses.
"Sorry, but that's all I could find in the house. The trainer must have left a while ago, and those were the only Pokémon there," replied the teenager. "I can't snag something the trainer has when he and his Pokémon simply isn't there, you know. Something for free has got to be better than nothing." He then proceeded to wipe sand from his face now, away from long, white streaks of white sunscreen were clearly visible below his sunglasses. The teenager was of the opinion that it made him look cool.
"But I specifically told you to snag that Charmander! Or didn't you know the difference between those two?" sneered Gonzap, ignoring any logic offered up by the teenager. The teenager's Umbreon - a black fox-like creature - started to growl at Gonzap.
"Umb, Umbreon!" (Shut up, Mr Moustache Eyebrow man!)
"Quiet, Umbreon," the teenager said softly. Meanwhile Gonzap looked thoughtfully at the Dark-type Pokémon, twirling his moustache between his fingers.
"Hmm... on second thoughts, they can be the new Shadow Pokémon."
"Huh - what?" the other replied, unsure by what Gonzap meant.
"Espeon and Umbreon. They certainly would do better than a couple of Voltorb that probably don't even know Spark."
"But, but…" the teenager stuttered, frowning at Gonzap. The Umbreon stared at Gonzap as well, wondering if biting his leg or his eyebrows would prove more effective in defending himself if he needed to.
"I expect to see you hand them in to my desk in ten minutes when I finish my lunch - plenty of time to say farewell," Gonzap said with a smirk. "You can dispose of the Voltorb, Wes. Unless you want to keep them!" With that Gonzap laughed and departed towards his office.
How could he do this to me? thought Wes. After my years, well, months of service, after all the things I helped them with, he still insults me! True, I don't snag that much, and I'm not much of a criminal here, but I'm honestly better than the rest of the lot, and now he simply expects me to give up my two and only Pokémon to become Shadow Pokémon? And for what? I don't even know what they do with these Shadow Pokémon! He clearly doesn't know me well...
Wes angrily punched a wall, then winched in pain as his hand throbbed. He gazed at Umbreon, and then through the window at his other Pokémon, Espeon. He was outside sitting in one of Team Snagem's few methods of transport - a motorcycle-looking object that everyone just called a 'Zoomer'. Team Snagem got it at a bargain price as nobody understood its rather odd infrastructure - it had one wheel and the rest 'hovered' with the machine when used. But since it was cheap, and it didn't break down… well, that's all that mattered to Team Snagem.
No way I'm giving up my Pokémon. They're the ones I've had from the beginning, and I'm sticking with them. Even if Espeon's tongue is sharper than a knife, and Umbreon's... well, ditzy at times. I guess I can just leave...
Then Wes looked at the Voltorb, the Pokémon often mistaken for Poké Balls, only these were more common than that rare item - for the region of Orre, anyway. It said something about the land when many people relied on the Pokémon for electricity to power their homes, despite the risk of the Voltorb exploding. They looked back with frightened eyes.
Wes smiled. He had an idea.
Meanwhile, the Skarmory landed in his nest after a long struggle with the surprisingly heavy Trapinch. This one was plumper than the others he had managed to find over the last few months, its stubby legs waving frantically about as it tried to run away out of the Skarmory's grip. Skarmory unceremoniously dropped it with a small thud into his nest; it wasn't much more than a rough bundle of sticks put together, hidden by a small, spiky bush perched on top of a steep cliff. The Skarmory didn't mind though - the sharp thorns in the bush did nothing to his steel hide. And it kept out the majority of intruders. Settling down to eat, he glanced around to make sure that nothing else was to come to try to steal his meal, before it grinned at the young, flailing Trapinch.
The Skarmory fell out of the nest, and had to flap hard to pull out of his descent to avoid hitting the ground or the cliff's face. Startled, he flew around his nest several times, screeching about the indignity of being so greatly disturbed before he could eat his meal.
After he recovered from his shock and returned to his nest, he glanced towards the source of the sound, and cocked his head. In the distance, a thick cloud of dark smoke flew into view, billowing upwards above the canyon, closely followed by the harsh smell of the smoke and fire.
Hmm. That's somewhat different from usual, Skarmory thought. He cawed and then flew in the general direction of the smoke cautiously to investigate, leaving the Trapinch where it was, upside-down and still flapping its legs about in a ridiculous attempt to walk upside-down away from the nest.
Wes waltzed back into the room he had been standing in only minutes ago, having hidden to protect himself from the blast. He looked around quickly, admiring the 'renovation rescue' of sorts he had given Team Snagem, such as the large gaping hole where a wall used to be. Blazing clusters of flames were materializing around the area, and spreading as they licked at the remaining pieces of the section of the building. Smoke billowed out of the building. Alarms went off.
"If you can hear this alarm, then something has gone wrong. Current analysis – the building is currently: 'ON FIRE'. If you can hear this alarm..." one above Wes' head blazed uselessly.
"Thanks, Voltorb," said Wes, kneeling down and glancing at the pair of Pokémon, but they didn't reply - they had fainted as a result of using Selfdestruct to aid Wes.
Wes quietly stood back by the large, new opening the building now sported to appreciate the damage he racked up, as a smile steadily widen upon his face. Walls were crumbling before his eyes as they failed to hold up any longer. A small section of the ceiling suddenly gave way and landed near Wes, piling up and forming a heap of rubble.
Serves them right, thought Wes. Although I better watch out that nothing falls on my head... Meanwhile, Umbreon looked inside, softly gasping with amazement at the damage.
Wes quickly grabbed a few items lying on some broken shelves near him and stuffed them into his bag; mostly healing items for Pokémon, such as a couple of Max Revives, and a packet of Full Heals. In an afterthought, Wes turned to the Voltorb and administered the Max Revives.
"You can leave now," smiled Wes. The Voltorb didn't wait around, hastily rolling through a door and off into the distance, glad to escape from the place.
Wes looked at his watch and glanced outside. He never planned on blowing up the hideout when he had joined up - he was just in it for the money after all - but no doubt it was as good a way to quit as any other. Firstly, though, he had something else to do.
I might as well go the full distance, but if so I better act now.
He hurriedly ran off towards another room, one which he knew was restricted from most Team Snagem members. Wes ignored the large sign upon the door stating that the penalty for anyone caught in there would be a two hour lecture on basic reading skills - such warnings didn't seem to apply to him anymore.
Another minute of work, and he was ready for his grand exit. His heart pumping, and with a newly-acquired device in his pocket, he made his way back towards the scene of the explosion, and approached the door that led to the way out.
Then he noticed something out of the corner of his eye.
In one small, ruined area of the room, the big Snag machine, made especially to steal Pokémon from other trainers that Team Snagem used for major operations, was in ruins. It was basically used to fire Snag Balls by the dozen at the target. But the smaller Snag machine – which was made to fit on a person's arm – was right where he had left it before talking to Gonzap, and was still, amazingly enough, intact as far as he could tell.
Why not? I might as well take it…give them something else to worry about. Wes picked up the Snag device and placed it upon his arm, clipping on the shoulder pad to his left arm and attaching the rest down his arm, the ending extending a touch beyond his wrist. The colour suited his coat, being a similar dark-blue. Red lines spiralled down the machine, masking the wires between the control pad hidden within the shoulder pad and the slot for putting Poké Balls in.
Seems to still fit more or less too... Wes pondered, as he held his arm out for Umbreon – and himself - to admire. Although it's not much use without any Poké Balls – but is there enough time to grab some of those as well?
Just then, Gonzap showed up, granting Wes the answer to that question. For once the man looked uncertain and indecisive. When he caught sign of Wes that changed however, as he quickly put two and two together.
"WES! What is the meaning of this?!" he shouted in fury.
Wes paused for a moment, pretending to think about his actions. Finally, he smirked. "Let's just say that I'm leaving, and I've left you a farewell present."
A strange and glorious scene greeted the Skarmory as he came upon the ruins. Flames were everywhere, people were pouring out of the building and the stupid man with pointy things was chasing a smaller man and an Umbreon.
Many others were in the chase, but the younger man kept himself a good distance from the rest. He jumped into a strange object with an Espeon sitting in it, which then made a large noise and shot off at an incredible speed. The pointy man still kept chasing despite his sudden disadvantage.
The Skarmory shot up faster than he ever had; flying up and away while crying in pain and surprise as the flames from the explosion scorched his body. Meanwhile, the smaller man was happily waving a black object with a bright-red button in the centre of it at the stupid man.
The Skarmory was very confused by the events - after all, it wasn't often that a building would suddenly burst into flames once, let alone twice. But he knew that if something bad happened to Team Snagem, and it certainly was judging by the reaction of the stupid man, it must be good.
"Skarr! Skarr!" proclaimed the Skarmory to the world, despite his injuries, spreading nonsensical celebrations with his shrill calls.
Suddenly, the Skarmory experienced a weird sensation - as if he was being sucked into something. He looked below, and with a sinking feeling realised what was happening to him. He struggled but the explosion had already weakened him to the point that his efforts were in vain, and so was forced to submit to the force and shrink into oblivion.
Gonzap grimly picked up the Great Ball and glared at it.
"You thought you'd laugh at me, would you? I'll show you who's laughing... when I'm in the mood for it," he muttered, before he stuffed it in his pocket. He glanced at the base, which was now blazing wildly as people poured out of the building. Twisted metal rained upon the ground, appearing like bright mini meteors against the smoky background of the sky. The second explosion had caused even more widespread damage than the first, and it was clear that short-term repairs would be futile.
That's the last time I'm letting just anyone attend a 'How to Use Explosives' class, Gonzap thought grimly. And it's the last time I ever put off fixing the lock on that room to next week and letting some fool of a grunt tell everyone about it as well.
In the distance, a faint siren sounded. The police were on their way. Not that was surprising; nobody would possibly miss such a large explosion. It felt like it had the force of a minor earthquake behind it. It had thrown him off his feet when he had been pursuing the dratted boy. And the smoke given off would be a dead giveaway to where the source of the explosion was.
There's nothing else I can do, Gonzap decided quickly. The hideout is gone, but if we linger, we'll all be caught. Pocketing the Great Ball, Gonzap turned and shouted orders at his incompetent gang - many which were now running around madly in circles - and then ran for it.
Very smart, Wes.
You've destroyed our main Snag machine, and stole the other one. You took our Zoomer. And to boot, you used those explosives we had been planning to use as well to utterly destroy our base.
AND half my moustache has burnt off, and I don't have any eyebrows anymore.
You'll pay for this.
Hope you enjoyed that. Please tell me your thoughts on the story, and... idk, remember to look both ways before crossing the road.
I have posted some other chapters of this story on places such as SerebiiForums, Pokecommunity, and so on.