Super Happy Funtime With Sai
Author's Notes- Quick bit of fluffy humour to balance out the super angsty Sakura/Sai fic I've been working on. Lots of Sai and his usual anatomical fixations, but otherwise, it's fairly clean. Any feedback at all is very appreciated!
Disclaimer- I don't own any of the recognisable characters or concepts. No profit is being made and no copyright infringement is intended.
- - -
Sai's seventeenth birthday dawned sunny and clear.
While it was very uncharitable of her, and monsoons and hurricanes were rare in the Fire Country anyway, Sakura had still hoped to wake up and find out that her house had unfortunately been swept out to sea. But then she had imagined Sai would probably still show up sat on a dolphin or something. Then she had wondered if maybe someone could invade the village, and cursed Sasuke for strewing Orochimaru all around his own evil hideout in seventy nine separate pieces.
Sakura pulled on her metal plated gloves, packed a small first aid kit and a distress flare, and considered the kunai. She put them back after a moment of thought. It would be very awkward explaining to Tsunade that the village was now minus its idiot.
She had agreed to meet Sai in the village. In a fit of what she could only describe as sentimentality, she had decided that maybe helping to drag Sasuke back did deserve a favour. Now she just had to think of things to do. Sakura just wanted something that would keep Sai entertained and out of trouble, while Sai would probably be happy to spend the day counting the perforations in teabags if she told him it was something friends liked to do together.
She'd thought about going to the cinema. It seemed a fairly safe option. And it was a normal thing to do with friends, so Sai would be happy. Except the film she wanted to see was a rather arty and beautiful black and white piece about a lonely pastry chef who is seduced by a kunoichi whose bloodline limit meant she only communicated via opera while dancing naked in the snow. And then she imagined the infamous (but arty and beautiful) full frontal nudity scenes where the pastry chef danced in an abstract snowstorm of self-raising flour while the ovens pulsed with rainbow light and the apple strudels rose in the shape of birds in full flight, and imagined a joyful "PENIS!" coming from the back row while everyone else was holding their breath over the magnificent composition.
"Hello, Sakura!" Sai greeted her with a smile that made Gai's usual grin look as enigmatic and coy as a geisha's.
"Happy birthday Sai," she said cheerfully, and began scanning the area looking for possible recreational activities.
Sai was still beaming three minutes later when she had turned back to him.
"Doesn't your jaw hurt?" Sakura asked, after a long pause.
"Yes, Sakura," Sai said, around the smile. "Very much so."
"You can stop that now," Sakura said. Sai's face immediately relaxed back into his default emotionless, can-kill-you-and-everything-you-care-about expression.
"Let's go get some ice-cream or something," Sakura suggested. It could be fun. It was a normal thing to do with friends. And most importantly, she couldn't inflict much long term damage on Sai with an ice cream sundae.
- - -
In the ice-cream parlour, she explained the concept of sundaes to Sai, and watched in horror as he went about making some sort of unholy creation that rivalled the worst things she had seen crawling out of Orochimaru's laboratories (including that dangerous sex offender in hotpants that Sasuke called a teammate). Sai knew lots about killing things, or painting them, or killing things with paintings. Neither his assassination or artistic skills translated well to everyday life.
"Some of the sky blue," Sai said, head tipped to one side thoughtfully.
"One scoop of bubblegum crunch."
"And.. the celadon coloured one. No, that one's really more chartreuse. Next to the tea-green, to the left of the moss-coloured-"
"Just ask for mint ice cream, and it really doesn't go with-"
"And the pale yellow- the lemon-beige-"
"And one scoop of banana-cinnamon."
Sakura ordered a perfectly normal concoction, of caramel, chocolate and vanilla ice-cream, and then found a table. Sai followed afterwards, with his admittedly quite artistic creation. Sakura turned her back for one minute, and the idiotic smile had returned. Sometimes, it was quite hard to remember that Sai could probably kill her in ten different ways before she hit the floor. And do it all without losing that stupid grin.
"Is this a date?" Sai asked interestedly, as they found a table.
"No, Sai. This is bonding like friends," Sakura corrected.
"Ahhh," Sai said, expression not changing at all.
"Are you disappointed?" she asked, curiously.
He smiled brightly. "No."
"Oh," Sakura said, after a pause.
Sai gave her a contemplative look. "We wouldn't be a very good match. Although you're a skilled ninja. And a medic nin. Those are very good qualities. But you're not as talented as I am-"
Sakura wondered at what point in her training, she had become able to think of six ways to kill someone with an ice-cream sundae. That would be Tsunade's bad influence. Rumour had it that when asked if she didn't think she'd had enough for one night, her mentor could bring down a small country armed with only a selection of your average bartop snacks.
"And you have a temper. That would be very awkward to live with. And your forehead is quite big. And your hair and eyes clash," he continued blandly listing Sakura's faults.
Sakura closed her eyes, counted to ten, and tried to be patient. "You don't pick partners based on some kind of checklist, Sai," she told him. "Anyway, you're not my type either."
"No?" he looked genuinely taken aback by the idea.
"No," Sakura confirmed, struggling to think of things to say. "You wear a stupid shirt. And your.. jutsu is girly. And you talk about penises too much. And you're really socially retarded."
"Yes, that's right," Sai said, happy smile still firmly in place. "Socially retarded.. like your penis."
Sakura sighed. "I don't have a penis, Sai."
Sai's expression indicated that all his Christmases had come at once. At least, if Christmases in Root hadn't consisted of two hundred laps around the Fire Country followed by three hours of systematic brain-washing, beatings for all those who had shown something above complete indifference towards their fellow man, and a bracing assassination mission in the Snow Country, all before breakfast.
"Did you not receive sex education?" Sakura asked, warily.
"I have been programmed to have no sexual interest," Sai chirruped, a flagrant lie if Sakura had ever heard one. She briefly considered leaving him in Jiraiya's company for a day or two, and then suddenly imagined a newly boob-obsessed Sai, and what might happen the first time he crossed Tsunade's path.
"Anyway," Sai said. "I drew a girl once. She had a penis."
"But Anko took it off afterwards," Sai continued blandly, still eating his ice cream. "So that kind probably doesn't count."
"No," Sakura said, faintly. "It doesn't." She'd never be able to look at the once-respected examiner in the same way.
"But I know you just like looking at me and Sasuke naked together," Sai said, in a matter of fact tone. "You really love Naruto," He noticed her blank expression. "You argue so much."
Sakura couldn't argue with that.
"Anyway, Naruto does have a penis," Sai told her, in a confidential tone. "It just makes men really angry if you tell them they have a small penis," His smile indicated this was the highest sort of humour.
"Yes," she said, wearily. "I was in the same team as Naruto when he was a twelve year old boy. I knew he had a penis. I just wished he'd stop using it to chase Sasuke with, or making interesting animal shapes out of it."
"But it's got bigger!" Sai said, pulling out his sketchbook. "Look!"
Sakura spat out a mouthful of ice-cream as Sai thrust the sketchbook under her nose.
"Put that away," she told him. "And anyway, I'm not going to marry Naruto, even if he does have a really-"
"Big penis," Sai chirruped noisily, as Sakura struggled to think of a way to put it that might be even mildly appropriate in an ice-cream parlour at 11am.
"Besides, relationships aren't like that," she said. "You need to be attracted to someone. That's most important. It doesn't matter if they have faults-"
Like, say, abandoning their entire village, attempting to kill their best friend, and moving in with an infamous missing ninja. And having really stupid hair that stuck up at the back. And picking up Orochimaru's taste in overly-flamboyant belts. And coming back to the village with a skank in hotpants, and an even bigger skank with a penchant for bright purple.
Sai didn't seem to be getting it. Sakura decided to skip to the question that had been niggling her for some time. "Sai, do you like men?"
Sai gave her a baffled look. "Yes. I like Naruto, even if he does have a very strange penis. And I like Kakashi very much. And Sasuke also-"
Fortunately, they were interrupted by Choji and Ino. "Hello, Sai!" Ino squealed, sliding into the booth opposite them. "And hello, Sakura," she added, after a moment or two.
"Hello, Mrs Beautiful!" Sai sang out proudly, and then paused. "And hello, Mr Skinny."
Choji's face darkened. "Are you making fun of me?"
As Sai opened his mouth to came out with an explanation, Sakura hit him around the back of the head, a little disappointed that he ducked and didn't go stupid-pretty-face first into his ice cream. Stupid ANBU reflexes.
"Sakura enjoys hitting me a lot," Sai said conversationally, from underneath the table.
Sakura blanched, imagining herself gaining some kind of Mistress of Pain reputation around Konoha.
..Although she couldn't see herself in black leather, that would be one way to train Sai. Or maybe she should ask Kiba's clan for some tips. She could simply hit Sai with a rolled up newspaper whenever he misbehaved. And when he got it right, enthusiastically squish his face while telling him "Whosa good boy? You are! Yesh you are, you great big stupidhead," while Sai beamed and wriggled happily and was blissfully unaware that he was being insulted.
Choji left after half an hour and a wheelbarrow full of ice-cream. Ino stayed behind, and then-
"I've got to go," she said, brightly. "I need to go shopping. Unless you two want to come?"
"We'd like to," Sai volunteered, before Sakura could say anything. And somehow when they came out of the ice cream parlour, Ino was expertly weaving them through the crowds into a very pink shop, the sort full of outfits that one could easily swallow without a glass of water.
"What do you think about this, Sakura?" Ino was waving something very small and sparkly at her. "Should I try it on?"
Sakura's lips thinned. It was her general policy not to let Ino win at anything. Ninjutsu. Flower arrangements. Looking better than her in three square inches of spangly material. Not to be outdone, she grabbed the nearest revealing item and headed to the changing rooms alongside Ino. After all, they had just had ice-cream, and who always complained that ice-cream could go from her lips to hips in fifty seconds flat? Not Sakura. Besides, she could always do with a new-
Sakura double-checked exactly what she was planning to try on.
- a new thong bikini.
- - -
Despite the number of clothing items she ended up bouncing off his head, Sakura reluctantly conceded that Sai was a very good person to go shopping with. Firstly, he was male, which meant even though he tended to talk about the aesthetically pleasing composition of bosoms in a particular push-up top rather than a simple "nice boobs", he had nothing to gain from making Sakura wear something which gave her an ass that would send an Akimichi home crying to their mother. Secondly, he was an artist, and probably could be trusted to know whether or not something looked good. Thirdly, he was brutally honest.
"No Sakura, your bottom is too big for that-"
"Ino, red makes you so washed out-"
And while Sakura could have done without knowing that halternecks gave her shoulders like a lumberjack (and that bitch Ino had been telling her how great she looked in them for years), it was worth it to hear Ino be told her boobs were too small to get away with a strapless top. She hadn't planned to buy a new bikini, but she had to admit it was the most flattering one she'd had in years. While she was paying, she noticed Sai and Ino getting enthusiastic over a glass case.
"You should get that one, Sai, only in silver-"
"Okay, Mrs Beautiful! Which one should Sakura get?"
"Oh, Sakura won't want to get one of these-"
"I've always wanted one," Sakura snapped, hoping they weren't talking about anything too expensive. "I'll take that-"
Ah. Navel rings.
And that was how they exited the store with three new piercings between them. Sakura poked her stomach unhappily. At least with two medic nins between them, they didn't have to put up with the oozing and scabbing for weeks to come. She did have to wonder how well a navel ring would fare on an ANBU mission, but Sai seemed easily pleased with his new-found sparkliness.
"What now?" he asked, taking a break from prodding his new piercing.
Sakura shrugged, and checked the time. It was early afternoon. "We go home, I suppose."
"Oh, okay," Sai said brightly, smile not faltering. "Thank you for the birthday."
- - -
They were heading out of the village centre, when-
"SURPRISE!" Konohamaru bellowed, as several people leapt out of hiding.
It was, Sakura later reflected, a very good thing that she had offered to keep Sai out of the way, and not Naruto. She did not trust Naruto to be quick enough on the uptake to tackle Sai a second before he would have decapitated Konohamaru.
She landed sprawled on Sai, who made a very demoralising sort of oof as he hit the ground and sort of deflated beneath her. He wriggled uncomfortably around to face Sakura, and gave her a betrayed look. Sakura propped her elbows up comfortably on his chest. Sai scrunched his eyes closed in anticipation.
"It's a surprise party," she told him. "Not an ambush."
He cautiously unscrunched one eye.
"Did you really think that was all we would do for your birthday?" Sakura said, and frowned. "And do ANBU often get attacked with balloons and noise-makers?"
Sai reluctantly opened the other eye. He looked like he was about to say something, but then-
"SAKURA LOOOOOOOOVES SAAAAAAAIIII!" Moegi yelled.
Sakura climbed off Sai. Naruto had a thunderous look on his face, which was probably why he managed to make a simple Happy Birthday sound downright homicidal, but then Sai would have to be socially competent to realise that this wasn't normal.
Sakura was quite pleased with their efforts. Not many people in the village knew Sai, but they all understood the concept of a party well enough. Since they did have a good seventeen years' worth of birthdays to catch up on, they decided to go for the best sort. The parties that were the most memorable. The ones with cake and jelly and ice cream and games.
"I have a present," Kiba said, dumping a box on the table. "It's just stuff left over from my sister's hen night-"
Sai's face was ecstatic as he tipped out an assortment of whistles, bottle stoppers, drink straws and sweets, all shaped like penises.
"Yeah, I thought you'd like it," Kiba said, amused.
"I have a present for you too, Sai," Naruto said, proudly.
It was a replica of his own jacket. In hot pink, with sparkles.
"You should wear it all the time," Naruto said, slyly. "Then we can match, like real friends."
"Thank you, Naruto," Sai beamed, as he immediately put it on. In comparison, his cropped shirt now looked downright manly, the sort of thing that Asuma might throw on for a hard day's work hunting helpless forest animals, single-handedly infiltrating enemy bases and drinking hard liquor by the pint.
Although truthfully, Sakura thought she'd take the hot pink over bright orange. Sparkles and all.
- - -
Half an hour in, and no one was dead yet.
Sai was mingling, and not getting slapped too much. Plenty of people had showed up. Even Hebi were there, albeit in the corner, acting too cool and morally ambiguous for this party. Still, they had to show up, since they did owe Sai. He had.. well, chased Sasuke determinedly around the world, yelling about BONDS and FRIENDSHIP, and holding him down for Naruto to hit whenever they managed to catch up. Sakura suddenly wondered if Sasuke had really been converted by the power of friendship or just been kept in a state of near-permanent concussion. It had certainly seemed a little odd that he had answered to Mary for a week after returning to Konoha.
She let herself relax very slightly, and went to get something to eat.
Sugeitsu was there. He was not doing anything particularly evil. He was, in fact, eating a fluffy pink cupcake, topped with sprinkles. It's just that with that face and those teeth, he looked as if he should be imprisoned for life for the act. She could almost hear the little screams as he tore into it. Sakura put down the cupcake she had been considering, and carried on browsing.
There were suspicious noises coming from beneath the table. She lifted up the cloth cautiously. Naruto, Konohamaru and Sai were sat there, cross legged. They hadn't noticed her yet.
"-call them a smelly smelly bumbumhead!" Konohamaru was saying, gleefully.
"And if you like a girl, you should tell her she has a really big forehead, because it means you think she's very clever," Naruto said, slyly. "Like Sakura. She'd like to hear that."
Sakura let the cloth drop silently back into place and quietly crept away before they realised she had overheard.
- - -
The party went much better than expected. OK, Hinata did faint when Kiba and Sai were having an animated conversation about something that started with lots of enthusiastic hand gestures probably not indicating the size of fish they had recently caught, and ended with Sai nonchalantly reaching for his zip. And Sai was almost molested by a frustrated Karin, who Sakura was beginning to suspect might be a perverted, fifty year old sex offender, trapped in the lithe form of a teenage kunoichi, and loving every minute of it. And Sai said something to Jugo that caused him to lumber off, enormous fists clenched, growling something about urge to kill, and later being found furiously disco-dancing his homicidal tendencies out, art therapy apparently replaced by dance therapy this week.
So Sai did cause a lot of trouble. But it wasn't just him. Konohamaru kept gleefully using his Double Knockout Guys technique whenever Sakura passed, causing a great deal of consternation, at least until Sasuke hit Konohamaru with a useful jutsu that caused temporary blindness whenever looking at a naked person. He said he'd developed that jutsu especially for Orochimaru.
And then it was getting late, and people were beginning to filter away. Sai came bounding over, wearing a party hat and about ten badges all announcing that Sai Is Seventeen Today. Sakura almost wished she'd invited Danzo, just to see the look on his face when he saw what had happened to his posterchild.
"Thank you very much for the party, Sakura," Sai beamed. And then he paused, looking slightly nervous. "And Sakura. You have a really big forehead," he finished, sincerely.
Sakura glanced sideways at an expectant looking Konohamaru and Naruto, their hands almost rubbing together in glee, and her lips thinned.
"Thank you, Sai!" she said, as sincerely as she could. "It's very sweet of you to say so. I hope you enjoyed yourself."
And then it was just them. Sakura half-heartedly tidied up. Sai was still wandering around beaming at the oddest things. Some left over wrapping paper. A party hat. One of the novelty penis-shaped balloons from Hana's hen party.
Sakura still hadn't given him his present. She had no idea what to buy someone like Sai, who had no identity and was pretty much created to find people and then make them dead. Something practical? She had thought about weapons, but Sai already had the best. Same for art supplies. Clothes? Where did someone even buy outfits that appeared to be designed to be practical only for some sort of creature that had three mismatched limbs and a tendency to undergo sudden, vertical growth spurts?
"Here," she said, calling Sai over and trying not to look at it. She hadn't thought these were cool since she was six and swapping them with Ino. "Your present. It's a.. umm, friendship necklace. I keep half and give half to you."
She cringed. It was girly. It was tacky. She was giving it to a man with a penchant for cropped shirts and absolutely no idea what wider society considered to be acceptable, let alone cool. One who looked even more ecstatic upon receiving a cheap friendship necklace than he had when he received an entire box full of penis-shaped novelties. And for Sai, that really was saying a lot.
Sakura suddenly decided that she quite wanted to give Sai a hug. Sai looked alarmed as he saw her suddenly lunge at him. She could see it happening in slow motion as he ducked, and-
-if it was a romantic film, she'd have landed sprawled gracefully on top of him with their faces inches apart, and not just kneed him sharply in the right eye as she stumbled over him and landed on her face with an undignified oof.
Sakura rolled over and stared up at the sky thoughtfully as Sai crawled to safety, rubbing his right eye. "You know Sai, that could very nearly have been a romantic moment."
"Oh?" Sai looked up, interested. "Are we on a date yet Sakura?"
"No," she said, sitting up and brushing off the worst of the dust. She thought Sai's face might have fallen, very slightly, but that was silly. Sai didn't really do facial expressions besides fake smiles and his default setting.
"-but if you take me somewhere nice, we will be," Sakura finished.
And then Sakura wondered exactly what kind of nice place would admit one slightly dusty kunoichi, and one idiot in a party hat and plastic penis-shaped earrings (had Sai even started the night with pierced ears? Sakura didn't think so). But Sai's grin was wide enough to make her fear for the structural integrity of the top of his head, and anyway, she decided she had to humour him. It was, after all, Sai's birthday.