Pictures of Perfection

A Cautionary Tale

Dare I, a poet born with many flaws

Address the class that all the world o'erawes,

Which fan-fic authors sometimes deign to use,

The sweet and perfect race of Mary Sues?

Thou beauteous ones, excuse my liberties

That else must vex, and certainly displease,

But I assure you that I take your part

And your best interests only have at heart.

So hearken to the story I relate

That you avoid poor Korin Moonshine's fate,

For once she was just such a one as thee

Before waylaid by spite and jealousy!

Her hair was of a silver streaked with green,

And never had her equal yet been seen,

For she was stunning in most ev'ry way-

Stronger than Ronon, Smarter than McKay,

Had more the Ancients' gene than Sheppard could,

And was so lovely no man long withstood.

She was the youngest, barely fifteen years,

But already had shown up all her peers,

None of the male crewmates seemed to mind

And lavished on her care of ev'ry kind-

Zelenka brought her flowers fresh and fair,

The Scot his stores of healing knowledge shared,

Sheppard, a pistol of the finest make,

McKay his best computer made her take.

With all the men she was the darling pet,

But, ah, the women! They're a different set!

"There goes that Korin!" So spake Dr. Weir,

"As always, far surpassing all those here,"

"Professional I am, but who can not"

"Detest such an annoying little snot?"

"Though true, on all the team no one is smarter,"

"Her character is boring as a Carter!"

"It's very true!" Swift Teyla then put in,

"Though saying so seems to the males a sin!"

"They see her charms alone but not the fact"

"That character development she's lacked,"

"With all the tragedy that she has faced,"

"She's not done wrong or made herself disgraced!"

The ladies (there were many) said no more,

But hoped an opportunity in store….

Some weeks had passed, on various missions gone,

With still the secret battlelines yet drawn,

When- O Calamity! Poor Sheppard great

Was taken by the Wraith (How hard his fate!)

This would make great Hurt/Comfort, yes, I know,

But there are authors who write better woe

Than I, for it's the comic muse alone

Who my small, trifling efforts will condone.

Pray, do not fear, dear Sheppard did not die,

Though all must wonder at the reason why-

The fiendish captors disappointment faced,

They found the Colonel not at all their taste!

But hungry still, a need not to be stayed,

They to the crew proposed a little trade…

"Why, who can go and thus give up their life,"

"And end in such an agonizing strife?"

So said th'Atlantians, faced with all they feared-

'Tis no surprise that no one volunteered.

The time soon came for this fateful exchange,

They met upon an empty desert range-

The wraith approached with Sheppard bound and chained,

(But somehow still his sexiness maintained,

For all the fan-girls could not help but "squee"

And say there was no man as hot as he.)

The Wraith: "Where is our prey we will enjoy?"

"Or will we need persuasion to employ?"

With little hesitation they replied

(Though it came solely from the females' side)

"You'll win our full esteem and friendship true,"

"Do us a favor- take our Mary-Sue!"

Unlucky Korin! Thus to quickly die

When half thy comrades do not even cry!

Though little mourned (except by men-at-arms)

I'll give a eulogy that fits thy charms!

"She was a woman blessed by ev'ry law

But realism- this her tragic flaw

That proved her end. Oh, all ye faultless ones-

Reform thyself, or ye shall be undone!

Be more well-rounded- listen to my call,

Or none shall be unhappy when ye fall!"