Author's Note: Here we go again—another parody in the tradition of "Yeowie," "A Few Minor Details," and others of that ilk. Enjoy…
A Failure to Communicate
Sango glanced up from polishing her Hiraikotsu to see Kagome approaching from the direction of the well. "Hey, you're back!" she greeted with a smile.
"Feh. 'Bout time," Inuyasha grunted, not bothering to glance at her from where he was stretched out ever-so-casually on the front porch of Kaede's hut.
"Hello, Kagome-sama," Miroku said as the girl reached them, dropping her heavy bag at her feet with a sigh.
"Ohayou gozaimasu! Senshuu no shuumatsu nani o shimashita ka?" she asked cheerfully.
Sango blinked at her, nonplussed. A glance over to Miroku confirmed that she wasn't the only one who was confused. "Huh?"
Kagome frowned. "Daredemo wa daijoubu desu ka?" She glanced around at all of them, apparently taking a head count, and then her eyes snapped back to Sango's, full of fear. "Shippo wa doko desu ka?"
"Uh…" Sango stalled, looking to Miroku again for help—but he only shrugged, unhelpfully.
"All I caught was 'Shippo'…"
"What the fuck is wrong with you, Kagome?" Inuyasha muttered, disgruntled, as he pushed himself into a sitting position. "Quit talking gibberish, will ya?"
"I don't get it."
Kagome rolled her eyes and put her hands on her hips. "Inuyasha, kore wa okashikunai desu. Nihongo o hanashitekudasai…"
"Dammit, Kagome, quit playing games and speak Japanese!" Inuyasha demanded, getting to his feet and taking a step toward her.
"Whoa, whoa, let's just keep our heads, shall we?" Miroku said calmingly, standing up himself to throw an arm across Inuyasha's chest and keep him from killing their lovely companion. "Now there must be an explanation for all this. What language do you suppose that is?"
"It's Japanese!" Kaede called from within the hut.
"Ah! Of course!" Sango said, slapping a hand to her forehead. "But wait a sec—I thought we spoke Japanese."
"We do!" Inuyasha growled.
"So…why can't we understand her then?" Sango asked.
Miroku opened his mouth to reply—but no explanation seemed to come. "Good question…"
"Hey wait a sec," Inuyasha said, slapping a fist against his palm. "Kagome's always studying this language made up of weird symbols—English, I think she calls it. Maybe it's English!"
"Yeah—that has to be it. We figured it out, Kaede," Sango called back toward the hut. "It's English!"
"No it's not!" Kaede called back.
Sango frowned. "How do you know?"
"Because, I'm speaking English right now," came the reply.
Again, Sango and Miroku exchanged a look. "Um…no you're not, Kaede-sama. You're speaking Japanese…" Miroku replied.
"Oh yeah…I always forget…"
Miroku raised his eyebrows at Sango, and she responded in kind, twiddling her finger at her temple—the old woman's mind must be going. The monk nodded his agreement.
"Okay, fine," Inuyasha said, crossing his arms over his chest. "So what now?"
They all stared at the poor bewildered girl, who looked from one to another of them as if they had all suddenly gone crazy. "Nani o shimasu ka?"
"Hm…" Miroku cast his gaze about, finally catching site of Kagome's discarded backpack. "There! Maybe something in her bag will give us a clue."
The three of them skirted around Kagome and started digging through the bag, pulling things out at random. There were some spare uniforms and socks and underwear at the top, and of course, the obligatory stash of ramen. Ramen no ushiro ni kyoukasho ga san-satsu arimasu…uhh, that is…Underneath the ramen there were two textbooks—one of which had strange symbols written across the front.
"That's it!" Inuyasha said, pointing to the textbook in Miroku's hands. "That's the book she uses to study English!"
"Look at the back," Sango pointed out. "There's a huge dent in the cover. Almost like…"
"Almost like it was banged against something large and round…like a human head," Miroku finished.
The monk and the slayer exchanged a knowing look, but the half-demon glanced back and forth between them, nonplussed. "Huh? I don't get it."
Miroku sighed his impatience. "We believe Kagome's affliction is due to the fact that she was hit over the head with this textbook."
Inuyasha looked skeptical. "Okay…so?"
"So—in order to get her back to normal, we have to hit her with it again," Sango explained.
The hanyou stared at her blankly for a moment. "Seriously?"
"Seriously," they confirmed in unison.
Inuyasha shrugged, still unconvinced. "Okay…it's worth a try I guess…"
They arranged themselves around Kagome—who was looking downright terrified by now—such that Inuyasha and Sango were on either side of her to catch her when she fell (and stop her from running away in the meantime), and Miroku approached her from behind with the book, preparing to strike.
Kagome's eyes rolled back into her head, and she slumped to the ground in a boneless heap, Inuyasha cushioning her fall. After a few moments, she blinked open her eyes groggily, frowning in confusion. "Inuyasha? What…what's going on…?"
"Hey, it worked!" Sango exclaimed.
"Good thing, too—I was running out of ideas," Miroku murmured.
"You okay, Kagome?" Inuyasha asked.
Kagome nodded. "I think so. But my head kinda hurts…"
"Come on let's get you inside," he said, scooping her up bridal style in preparation for carrying her into the hut.
"Yeah, I'm a bit hungry myself," Miroku agreed. "I wonder if Kaede-sama has started dinner yet…"
But just as they were about to enter the hut, Shippo bounded into their midst and hopped up to perch on Miroku's shoulder.
"Bonjour, tout le monde! Comment ca va?"
The monk and demon slayer stopped in their tracks and met weary gazes, saying as one: "Fuck…"
A/N: Okay, so I think I got my point across… (grin) Just to note, I realize that you don't actually use question marks in Japanese (at least not following "ka")—but I figured it was more important to clue in the reader than to strictly follow the rules. And anyway, this is a parody of fangirl Japanese—so any errors are made on purpose, in the interest of authenticity. (And yes, that's the story I'm sticking with… grin)
For anyone who may be curious (I know I would be), I've included the approximate translations of Kagome's lines. I say "approximate" because I've only been studying Japanese for one semester, and I really don't know what the hell I'm doing… (grin) Here are the translations:
"Ohayou gozaimasu! Senshuu no shuumatsu nani o shimashita ka?": "Hello! What did you do last weekend?"
"Daredemo wa daijoubu desu ka?": "Is everyone okay?"
"Shippo wa doko desu ka?": "Where is Shippo?"
"Nani?": "What?" (I assume most people have come across this one before… grin)
"Wakarimasen.": "I don't understand."
"Inuyasha, kore wa okashikunai desu. Nihongo o hanashitekudasai…": "Inuyasha, this isn't funny. Speak Japanese, please…"
"Nani o shimasu ka?": "What are you doing?"
And, in the interest of thoroughness, Shippo's line:
"Bonjour, tout le monde! Comment ca va?": "Hello, everyone! How are you?"