Disclaimer: I do not own the rights to Barney Miller, or All in the Family. In addition, I have not / will not make any money from this work. This is just my way of keeping these classic shows alive.

Barney Miller/All in the Family



Embassy Demonstration.

By: Ra'Ay'Mond





After Archie says his latest slur against Polish people, as well as winking at Det. Wojciehowicz when he's done, a 'loud' hush descends upon everyone in that part of the Squad room. Mike (Archie's Son-in-Law) closes his eyes and looks away. He is pretty sure he knows what the large, angry Polish detective is about to do to Archie. He just does not want to see it happen.


Det. Harris is more then a little confused. At first glance it would seem obvious that this 'Bunker' guy, or anyone else that would make fun of Polish people to Wojo (Det. Wojciehowicz) is a candidate for the Wonderful Land of Oz (one of Det. Harris's many nick-names for Belleview. NYC's Mental Hospital). However, Harris thanks, there's only one problem with that theory. Almost every single 'nut-job' that walks into this squad room usually comes straight to me. Sometimes the line is so long it runs right around my desk! So what gives? If Bunker is not crazy, maybe he's just looking for a fight? And if he is looking for a fight, does he really think that he can take Wojo? Det. Harris lifts a speculatively eyebrow while slowly shaking his head no. He does this while looking Mr. Bunker up and down.He then thinks, Bunker would have been better off taking a swing at Det. Phil 'Fish'. That way he may only get shot. Who knows what Wojo will do him! I just hope that Barney breaks it up before Wojo hurts this bunker guy. Harris steals a guilty glance at his imported jacket while thinking, the only thing worse then Wojo getting into trouble, or Bunker getting beat up is this velvet sports jacket getting damaged. I mean really, if this thing gets ripped or torn, I might as well just burn it!


Maude's only concern is that Archie is still able to drive her and Mike back to Queens, after the beating that the 'big-cop' is about to give him.


Barney's thoughts are on a slightly higher level. It is beginning dawn upon him that Mr. Bunker has no idea that Wojo is Polish. And his ugly, bigoted remarks were only meant to embarrass his son-in-law publicly. After all, someone would have to be…in need of profession help to tell a Polish-joke to Wojo. And if Bunker were…for want of a better word…peculiar, he would have gotten on line to see Harris, just like all the other…people with diminished faculties.


Wojo on the other hand has calmed down considerably since the latest zing against him and his fellow Poles. Suddenly, out of nowhere the name of his best friend from childhood comes to mind: Ricky Kavashansky.

He remembers, even though we were the same age, Ricky was wiser than his years. He was always giving me great advice. He has a way of talking to people, with out talking down them. He never makes people feel like their stupid or something, like Barney always does to me. One of the things that he would have to keep telling me over and over was, "Stanley, think before you hit!"

Wojo thinks to himself, but what I still don't get is why is this hamburger trying to cheese me off? Law suit? Just looking for a fight? Crazy? NO WAY! If he was crazy he'd be trying to talk to Harris just like the rest of them. Det. Wojciehowicz mind drifts onto another subject for a moment as he thinks, I'd bet they would buy one of Harris's books. You have to be crazy to pay for that!

Det. Wojciehowicz eyes then drift over toward Mike, and it finally dawns on him as he thinks to himself, that's it! Bunker was being a raciest *1-Osiol, but not to me. He was being a racist *2-Dupa Dziurwic to his poor son-in-law, Mike!

Wojo relaxes…a little. Then he looks back toward Archie and thinks, even thought he wasn't trying to piss me off…he did! And I still wan'a hit him! And 'Ricky' is all the way back in Buffalo. Way to far away to talk some sense into me. No help there! OK, got'a go for next best thing. And since 'Dietrich's' left the room that leaves me with only one choice. Without taking his eyes of Archie, Wojo makes a deep sighing sound before saying, "Barney!!!"

Barney keeps a careful eye on Wojo to make sure that he doesn't do anything to Mr. Bunker before he can diffuse this situation. Acting on his original hunch about Mr. Bunker not knowing that Wojo is Polish, Barney quickly shifts his gaze toward Archie while slowly waving an open hand toward Wojo while saying, "Mr. Bunker, allow me to formally introduce you to Sgt. Stanley Wojciehowicz!"

Archie cautiously extends his hand toward Wojo while saying, "Why nice to meet you detective, I…" He then stops dead in his tracks. His pale blue eyes seem to glaze over as if he was just given some very startling and important information. He slowly turns back to Barney. And with a clinched, painful looking grin on his face, he asks him almost pleading, "Wojciehowicz? Czechoslovakian?"

Before Barney has a chance to answer the question, Wojo takes a menacing steep toward Archie and says, "Guess again *3-Gowno Bol!"


Once Barney hears his Detectives response, he turns toward him and says, "Wojo!"

He then quickly regains he compose, and in a much lower tone asks his detective, "What did you just call him?"

Wojo shyly responds, "OK, I'll tell you Barn. But you're not gon'a like it." He then leans over and quietly and privately tells Barney what the Polish word means.

Barney turns his ear toward Wojo to hear this secret translation. Once he hears it, his shocked eyes open even wider then before. He quickly turns to face his detective, and in an even louder voice than before yells, "WOJO!"

Wojo sheepishly shrugs his shoulders while telling his captain, "See, I told you that you wouldn't like it Barn."


While this is going on Archie steeps over to where Mike is sitting. Through clenched teeth he tells him, "This is all your fault Meat Head! Why didn't you tell me he was Polish?"

Mike starts to answer him, but not before Archie waves his hand in his son-in-law's face and says, "Never mind all that. Those words that he called me there, was they dirty words?"

Mike just tilts his head slightly. Lifts an eye brow and answers, "No Arch. They were just… terms of in-deer-meat."

Archie is so overcome with anger that he wordlessly mouths insults toward Mike.


Barney opens his mouth talk, but before he can say a word Wojo points at Archie and tells him, "Look Barn, I know I lost it there for a minutes. But do you blame me?" I mean, this guy comes right in my face and starts 'cracking wise' about Polish people being dumb!" Barney starts to respond, but Wojo once again interrupts and says, "I know that I say the wrong thing a lot, and once or twice in the past I've over reacted in stressful situations. But give me a little credit, just this once! At least this time when I used foul language, the person I used it on didn't understand a word that I said, because I said it in Polish!"

Barney opens his mouth to respond to Wojo, but not before Maude interrupts him as she tells Wojo, "Detective, you didn't have to bother speaking in Polish. There are plenty of words in English that Archie doesn't understand."

Archie points an angry finger at Maude and asks her, "Hey Maude, you calling me dumb?"

Maude stares at Archie for several seconds without speaking. Then she answers him by saying, "Don't think of it as an insult Archie. Think of it as a…term of in-deer-meat."


Barney finally talks before he's interrupted again and says, "Ms. Finley…you're not helping."

Maude turns to Barney, and puts her hand on his shoulder, and keeps it there. She then looks deeply into his eyes, and smiles while saying, "Your right Captain. I apologize." She continues staring into his eyes, causing Barney to blush and stammer as he says, "T…T…T…Thank you Ms. Finley."

She moves just a little closer to him as she says, "Please Capt. Miller, call me Maude."

Everyone in the squad room notices Maude flirting with Barney. However Wojo is the only one with the nerve to comment about it. He clears his throat and says, "Err, Barn. If you're your busy, we can come back later, when your all done."

Upon hearing Wojo's remark, Barney does a double take toward Wojo, and Maude's hand on his shoulder. With thumb and forefinger, Barney delicately and politely removes Maude's hand while saying, "Excuse me Ms. Finley, I have to always keep my gun hand free. Sorry, Police regulations."

To this Archie grins while saying, "Yeah Maude, he has to be ready to defend himself from violent criminals, wild animals and love crazed, deep voiced, husband hunting women with the strength of ten men."

She shoots Archie a look that could melt through steel and says, "Oh shut up Archie! It's your fault that were still here! If you could have just kept your small minded, bigoted thoughts to your self for once, we could have gotten Mike and been half way to Queens by now!"

Archie leans in toward Maude and her remarks like a man walking through a hurricane. He points at Maude and says, "You trying to blaming this all on me?"

He then quickly turns and points at Mike while saying, "It's the meat-head here that got arrested, not me! And another thing Maude…" Before he can complete his thought, Wojo interrupts ands says, "What are you yelling at her for? She's right! You're a racists!"

Every head in that part of the room turns and stares at Archie. He appears taken aback and hurt as he looks from face to face. He then rises his hands defensively in from of him as he tell Wojo, "Officer, I apologize for the things that I said about you'z and your people. But it was only meant to zing him." He points at Mike for the last part of that sentence. He then says, "But I'm not racist!"

He continues, "Why you can just ask the meat hea…err Mike here, I was the first one in our neighborhood to have a family of b…" Archie looks at Harris stare at him with a raised eyebrow before finishing his original though. He tries a last minute save by saying, "Baptist move right next door there to me there. And I get along great with the Jefferson's."

Harris squints and shifts his head slightly to the side while silently mouthing the word Baptist toward Archie.

Mike sees this and from the side of his mouth he some what quietly tells Archie, "Arch, you're just making it worse."

Archie quickly turns on Mike and says, "Oh stifle, you big dumb Po…" He cuts himself off just as Wojo takes an angry steep closer to him.

Archie then turns toward Barney, who is looking at Wojo. He is ready to stop the younger man from doing anything…reckless. Barney turns back to Archie as he almost pleadingly tells him, "Honest captain, I'm not a racist! The name of the law firm that I use is Robenowitz, Robenowitz and Robenowitz. Now if I was a racist, would I go out and hire members of the wondering tribe?"

When Mike hears Archie say this, he quietly says, "Oh boy! Here we go again."

When Barney hears the wondering tribe remark he rolls his eyes and asks Archie, "Mr. Bunker by wondering tribe, I take it that in your very sensitive way, you're trying to tell us that your lawyers are Jewish?"

By now Archie is looking and feeling more paranoid by the minute. He looks from Barney to Wojo. Neither man seems to believe that he is not a racist. As a last resort he looks to Det. Harris and asks, "Detective, you believe that I'm not a racist, don't you?"

Det. Harris gives Archie a sneer while saying, "How should I know, I just a Baptist!"

Maude sees that this is going nowhere and says, "Captain Miller, if your not going to let the big guy beat-up on Archie, can we take Mike and leave?"

Barney is at first a little irritated at Maude's interruption. He turns around to face her and says, "Ms. Finley…that's a great idea!" Barney then turns to face Det. Harris. He asks Harris, "Harris, has Mr. Stivik been processed yet?"

Harris is still staring at Archie when Barney asks him about Mike. He quickly snaps back to reality and says, "Eh, Yea Barney. Mr. Stivik has no outstanding warrants. He's been given his desk appearance ticket, so he and his family are free to go."

Barney looks directly at Archie while responding, "Good! The sooner the better!"

He then turns to Maude and Mike and says, "Nice meeting you Ms. Finley, Mr. Stivik. He does not say anything to Archie"

He then turns his attention toward his two detectives and says, "Once our guests have left, I want to see the two of you in my office. I think that we should have yet another talk about…putting things in their proper prospective."

Mike, Archie and Maude start to leave. Mean while, Harris looks from Archie, back to Barney while saying, "But Barn, he called me a Baptist!"

Before Barney can respond Harris opens his jacket so that Barney can get a better view of his clothing, as he continues his tirade, "I mean really Barn! A Baptist, in this outfit? This is French Velvet! All that dancing and sweating would r-u-i-n it! Not to mention what would happen to these shoes!" Once he sees Barn is just looking at him, and not listening, he stomps into his boss's office.

Wojo walks up to Barney and points at him while saying, "OK Barn, I'll listen to your speech. And I'll try and learn from what you have to say. But when were done, I'd like to talk to you about something that you can learn from."

Barney is more then a little curious when he asks Wojo, "OK Wo'j. But just what is the subject of this…life changing information that you are going to…enlighten me with?"

Wojo gives the captain his best boyish grin as he says, "Two words Barn, 'Ricky Kavashansky!'"

Barney Follows his two detectives into his office, shaking his head slightly every step of the way.


Meanwhile, Archie is talking to himself as he opens the door to leave the squid room. He is greeted by a stoic eyed Sgt. Nick Yemana (who is a Japanese/American). He and patrolman Carl Levitt are returning from a recent call involving a sewer working being chased by a bus driver.

When Archie comes face to face with Det. Yemana, he defensively yells, "I'm not a racist detective. During the war. You know, WWII, 'the big one'. I didn't fight against the Japanese; I was in Europe, fighting against the Germans!"

Sgt. Yemana just stands their giving Archie a dead-pan look before saying, "Me to! I served with the 'Nissan' division in Europe."

Archie is more than a little surprised at this response. He tells the detective, "Excuse me Detective". He then starts heading out the door while telling Mike and Maude, "It's a conspiracy. Let's get the hell out of here before they arrest me!"

Maude responds, "It would serve you right Archie!"

Archie replies, "Don't you start with me Maude! I saw you throwing yourself at that there captain! And you, a married woman!"

Mike chimes in, "Can we just please go home. I'm starving!"

Archie turns to Maude while saying, "He's hungry again! Looks like you owe me another five bucks Maude!"

The arguments continue to, and into Queens.



*1-Osiol = Jackass.

*2-Dupa Dziurwic = Ass Hole.

*3-Gowno Bol = Shit Head.

Thanks for continuing to read this FIRST in a series of Barney Miller/Classic TV Crossovers. I hope that you have enjoyed it. Please continue reading them.

Also, if you have any suggestions for Other Classic TV Crossovers with Barney Miller, or other show, please let me know.


The next story in this Barney Miller/Classic TV Crossover series will be Ralph and Norton, from the Honeymooner.