Such Is the Life of a Slut

Author's notes: Well… I don't really know what to say on this subject. It's already pretty damn weird anyway. I've decided to make my own little writing meme thing.

Take any character and ship him/her with every other character in his/her series.

My character: Frank Archer.

My challenge: Make him uke for every character in FullMetal Alchemist.

Please note that I have removed some characters that I don't know enough about, or do not feel comfortable writing for. Or I just couldn't come up with a plot for them, so sue me. There are forty-five characters that I will ship Archer with. That means forty-five chapters. Are you ready for this? Probably not.

I will post these in some random order, with whichever ones I complete. It's up to me, so too bad for you.

If you've read my drabbles (now removed because this is the same thing) then you will recognize this first one. In order to save you, I will post a second one sometime today, probably shortly after posting this.

Also note that these are drabbles. Therefore they will more than likely be short. A lot of background may not be given. It's up to you to figure out what happened.

And if you can guess all forty-five characters correctly, I'll write you whatever you want me to. However, I still stop accepting guesses once I've gotten to the halfway mark (which will be twenty-two chapters).

Without further ado, please enjoy.

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Chapter One: Better (Maria Ross x Frank Archer)

The military's annual ball was always a waste of time in his opinion. He'd been forced into coming once before, but after that, never again. Except now, being head of the Military Court, Frank Archer had no choice but to attend.

So now started the search for a decent woman to take. Of course she couldn't be a superior officer, he refused to be shown up. And she couldn't be anyone who posed a threat to him. And she definitely couldn't be that secretary of his. What was her name again? Sciezka? Something like that, he couldn't spell or pronounce it. So it was always "Hey you."

He wasn't doing himself any favors by sitting inside with the blinds drawn. He knew that, he knew he was far too pale for his own good. It really didn't matter to him, he rather liked being pale. But he needed to go find a proper woman to escort. Or Mustang would shove it in his face that he couldn't get a woman. How irritating. He most certainly could get a woman. He could get any woman he wanted! He just hadn't found one yet. And though temptation was telling him to ask First Lieutenant Hawkeye, he knew better. She'd shoot him.

So Archer finally gathered up his nerve and left the office, wandering around Central Headquarters aimlessly. He still had a good month until the ball, but he wasn't about to waste time. He could be charming when he wanted to, and he wasn't always such a pompous, arrogant man. He could be caring. It was just that no one ever struck his interest.

No one, until her.

Icy eyes stopped abruptly on a lovely young woman with dark hair and equally dark eyes, a small mole under her left one. He immediately committed the face to memory, watching the way she just turned and walked away, a taller blonde man trailing behind her like some lovesick puppy. He didn't know either of them, perhaps they were under another officer's domain? Possibly Mustang, it seemed he had all the subordinates who actually had character.

But that woman. Who was she?

And so over the next few days, Archer made it his goal in life to find out who the mysterious woman was. He saw her occasionally, but it was rare, and he treasured those moments. He wanted to see more of her. At least just to see her. But all search attempts for her name failed.

"You mean Second Lieutenant Maria Ross, sir?"

For once, Armstrong was useful. Archer could have hugged the man. But of course he didn't, nodding absently. "Yes, Second Lieutenant Maria Ross." It sounded wonderful. Maria, Maria, Maria. Such a pretty name.

"She's going to the ball with Sergeant Broshe."

And just like that, Archer's little daydream world cracked in half, straight down the center. "What?" His voice sounded as stiff and apathetic as usual, but he wanted to hit Armstrong for even saying it, for breaking down his perfect little world. "Hmm." But he wouldn't let this 'Broshe' get her. After all, Archer was a Lieutenant Colonel. If all else failed he could just order her to come with him and swear her to secrecy.

But then came the biggest problem. Asking her. Every time he got near her he just froze, the picture of apathy that he always tried to portray. He couldn't even talk to her. How weak was he!? Archer silently groaned and sat back at his desk, examining the papers that he should have been more worried about completing.

"Excuse me? Lieutenant Colonel, sir?"

Archer's head and eyes shot up to stare at the perfect beauty in his doorway. What was she doing here? How did she even know his—okay, well, it was rather had not to know your superior officer's names. "Second Lieutenant Ross, come in." He gestured for a chair, wanting to throw aside that apathy, wanting to just get rid of it all, and already hating himself for not being able to do it. "What is it?"

"Colonel Mustang told me you wanted to see me…?" A soft frown crossed Maria's gorgeous features, and Archer nearly melted right there.

"He did, did he?" Mustang. That man was either going to die a severe death or win Archer's eternal gratitude, depending on how this turned out. But even if all went well, he'd never serve under Mustang. No matter what. "I don't know why he'd say that, especially when we barely even know each other."

"Yes, sir." She bobbed her head lightly, and Archer found that he loved her agreeing with him, even if it was forced. "He… mentioned something about the military ball…"

How had Mustang found out? Archer hadn't told anyone! Unless that lazy man was actually perceptive, which he wasn't, then how had he found out? "The military ball, yes. You are not required to go, but I am curious…"

"Sir?"

"…Wouldyouconsidergoingtothemilitaryballwithme?" Archer had honestly never talked so fast in his entire life. As if getting it out there any quicker would help more. But he had to know her response, be it good or bad. And if it was bad…

Maria frowned, apparently trying to understand whatever he had just said. "I'm sorry, sir. I didn't catch that."

Of course she didn't. So Archer had to gather his wits and courage back up in order to repeat himself. He was even more scared, if that was possible. "Maria, would you consider… going to the ball with me?" He literally had to think about it before speaking, he couldn't risk having to repeat himself again. And now he could feel the scarlet blush rising to his prominent cheekbones and properly tilted his head aside as if that would help him hide it.

She smiled lightly, a small blush crossing her face as well. "Is that an order?"

"Would you like it to be?"

"I'll consider it." She smiled slightly and stood up, waving slightly as she walked out. He found it better than a salute.