Notes: Based on a true story...all I'm gonna say. XD
Disclaimer: I don't own Naruto
Rating: Between T and M
Warnings: AU!- LANGUAGE AND CRACK!
When Carpools Get Ugly
Hyuuga Neji and Rock Lee had no idea what was to be in store for them that fateful day they ripped that little stub of construction paper off of the poster on the bulletin board in the freshman hallway. In retrospect, they mutually concluded that they should have realized that the fact that the poster had been up for over a week and was still untouched probably meant something. But still and nonetheless, they chose to blatantly ignore fate when she tired to warn them against the perils of agreeing to carpool with upperclassmen they had never met. Needless to say, the experiences which ensued were very interesting...very interesting indeed...
"Lee, are you sure this is where it said to meet them?" Neji asked, skeptically eyeing the rather shady side of the school parking lot.
"Yep, it says so right here!" Lee responded brightly waving the poster in his friend's face with the hand that was not supporting his cello.
Neji sighed, and tugged on his hair uncomfortably. "Lemme see that thing," he muttered, grabbing the brightly colored piece of construction paper from Lee. It read as follows:
Selfless and Gracious Juniors Looking for Willing Freshmen to Carpool With.
If You're sick of having you mom haul your ass around all the time. then why not ride with us?
(we'll even take you to sport practices, etc.!)
Meet in lot F, 3:00 on Friday
-Your future car buddies
Obviously, Neji's sense of dread was not appeased by the ad. "Lee, why did we agree to this again?"
Lee was about to open his mouth to spew forth an encouraging stream of logical answers, when a mad call from behind gave the two little boys a fright.
"HELL YEAH! WE GOT FRESHMEEEEN!"
Neji and Lee whirled around just in time to see a beat up white Subaru station wagon of the questionable, drug-dealer variety come careening into a parking space not five yards from where they stood. The two stood in open-mouthed horror at the thought of actually going out into traffic riding in a vehicle that looked as if it should belong to a pedophile. As if that weren't scary enough, the people driving the car were enough to make a couple of little preps like Neji and Lee positively piss their pants.
The driver's door opened with a sinister pneumatic hiss, and out stepped a blonde individual of a metrosexual inclination. He was wearing tight, black jeans tucked into some seriously massive combat boots; complete with superfluous buckles and random shiny pieces. His hair was in a pony tail high up on his head, with bangs sweeping down to cover one darkly-lined cobalt blue eye. He was wearing a shirt that looked suspiciously like it came out of the girls' section at a department store, which revealed a generous portion of his toned tummy.
As odd as he may have been, his companion took the cake. Also wearing tight black jeans, this individual seemed to disregard the common social practices of wearing a shirt, or shoes for that matter. Instead, his muscled chest was exposed by the knee-lenght traditional crimson robe he wore. His silver hair (whether natural or dyed, neither Neji nor Lee could tell) was slicked back from his pallid, finely-featured face. His piercing violet eyes boring into the cowering freshmen before him, he spoke in a resounding tenor,
"Ne, Deidara, we got us some preppy little mofos, don't we?"
The blonde, presumably Deidara smiled widely and nodded. "This is gonna be fun, unn. Haha, look at them, they're scared of us! Aww, it's okay little freshmen. I'm Deidara, and this is Hidan un. Don't worry, he's not as scary as he looks, you just need to watch out for his swearing problem, and you'll be alright. You learn to ignore it real fast, anyways, un!"
Neji's mouth moved but he was unable to force the words past his lips. Lee whimpered and Neji slowly drew his eyes away from their new 'car buddies' to look at his idiotic best friend. He gasped as the realized that he had a death grip on Lee's hand, and the tips of the boys fingers were slowly turning purple. He released his friend, not failing to notice the knowing look that was shared between Hidan and Deidara.
After the awkward turtle had been swimming around in the thick silence for a few moments, Lee bravely broke the ice.
The blonde looked absolutely thrilled that his underclassman was speaking to him.
"I"m Rock Lee, and this is my best friend Hyuuga Neji, your new, um 'car buddies'! I was just wondering if you and Hidan-san would be willing to drive me downtown every friday for my symphony rehearsal?" Lee yelled in Deidara's face.
"No need to fucking scream at us, brat." Hidan muttered, making Deidara elbow him roughly in the ribs with a whispered warning of, "Don't be rude, un."
He turned his bright smile back to Lee and brightly announced "It would be no problem what soever, un." before skipping gleefully to the driver's seat of the car.
"Okay, fucktards, throw your cello in the trunk and strap yourselves in." Hidan said threateningly.
The two smaller boys timidly followed their very scary chauffeur to the car, where Deidara was already sitting behind the wheel. Right as he reached the hood of the car, he whirled around suddenly and smacked the rusted metal, apparently for no reason.
Lee and Neji flinched.
"Alriiight, kiddies!" he said in that over-bearing way of his, "If we're gonna haul your asses around, you better listed good. This here, " he affectionately stroked the hood of the Subaru, "Is Old Bessie. We sometimes like to call her the 'Screaming Shit-hole of Automotive Death' as a term of endearment."
Lee once again found his hand in Neji's vice-like grip, as the two little freshmen stared in awe at Hidan, as he continued.
"The rules are so easy even people with fuck-for-brains could figure them out. First, don't touch the radio. Second, don't touch my rosary (The dangly thing hangin from the mirror, heathen preps). Third, don't distract Dei while he's driving in traffic. Got it, shit-eaters?"
They nodded mutely, still wide-eyed in shock, and after stowing Lee's cello in the spacious trunk, the two climbed into the back seat, and buckled up.
As Deidara started the car, Hidan adjusted the mirror so that his chilling violet eyes fell on the reflections of the nervous freshmen in the back seat; The papery skin around them creasing as he smiled wickedly.
"Oh, and by the way, " he added as an afterthought, "To us, getting into the car, is the same as signing a release form."
And then with a wild cry from Deidara, and less-than-manly screams from Lee, they drove straight over the curb, and sped off into the blinding sun and indigestion that is rush-hour traffic.
If being a good driver constitutes delivering one's passengers safely to their destination, then, yes, Deidara was a good driver.
However, If being a good driver constitutes delivering one's passengers safely to their destination, with their mental and emotional health intact, then, no, Deidara was not a good driver.
In all fairness, Neji had to admit that Hidan and Deidara weren't all that bad. Sure, they were freaks, but they were freaks that drove them around and gave them free food.
After an eventful 35 minute car ride, complete with a detour to McDonald's where Hidan had made the trainee cry, the quartet of adolescent males had arrived downtown, and were currently pulling into the State Street parking garage. Deidara smoothly pulled up to the little building, and rolled down the window fully intending to explain to the little parking man that they were just dropping Neji, Lee, and Lee's cello off, and would be back in two hours to pick them up. No problem, right?
Wrong. As soon as the window was rolled down, the boys were immediately met with the grotesque sight of an oily little man in a stained security suit, stuffing his fleshy face with stale donuts while watching football on a miniature T.V. His beady little eyes narrowed, taking in the hunk of shit car, the questionable attire of the two boys in the front seat, and the bumper stickers and various adornments surrounding the vehicle. All in all, the situation simply screamed of teenage delinquency.
"Hi there, un, " Deidara brightly began, only to be cut off.
"Give me 10 bucks or leave," The man stated flatly.
Deidara's winning smile didn't even falter, as he began again,
"Heh heh, Well, ya see, we were just gonna drop off our friends here for their symphony practice, and then come back in two hours to pick them up, un."
"Suuuure," the guard said sarcastically, before leaning into Deidara's face and hissing malevolently, "I've seen your kind before, Blondie, the kind that comes at night with paint balls, eggs, and spray paint. It's teenage scumbags like you that make me have to stay here late into the night! SCRUBBING YOUR FILTH OFF OF MY BEAUTIFUL CONCRETE!" The man's voice rose hysterically, and Deidara flinched away.
Hidan, however, wasn't gonna stand for the injustice.
"Listen fuckface, we're here to drop our car buddies off for their goddamn music thing. We've even got a fucking cello in the trunk, So if you don't let us in RIGHT NOW, I'll crawl back there, rip a fucking string off, and tie it around you as-"
His rant was cut short as his best friend stuffed an entire six-piece McNugget meal into his mouth. Smiling apologetically, Deidara had not yet given up on the diplomatic approach.
"Unnn, yeah, um, he didn't mean that..."
The guard wasn't buying it.
"Look, you and that greasy-haired little rat had better fork over the cash or leave, or else I'm calling for backup." He said in a tone that obviously conveyed that he thought that last bit was rather bad-ass of him.
Deidara's darkly-lined eyes narrowed dangerously, as he spoke in a low tone- politeness abandoned.
"You can insult my car, my generation, or me all you want, but if you insult my friends, you cross the line."
The nasty little parking devil, not seeing a metrosexual blonde teenager as much of a threat, blithely continued.
"Ya know, seeing as that brat has a major language problem, I think I'll charge you double,"
"THAT TEARS IT!" The blonde screamed, stepping with all his limited strength on the gas pedal, and ramming straight through the wooden barrier of the gate. Deidara laughing maniacally, Hidan spewing chunks of over-processed meat, and Neji and Lee once again holding on to each other for dear life, the car full o' boys spun madly through the parking garage the wrong way, finally coming to a screeching halt.
Five minutes later found Lee attempting to explain to the tuba player why he and his cello were covered in chicken. When s\he jokingly asked what he would come to rehearsal covered in next week, Lee sweat-dropped, looked over at Neji and shared a wry smile with his best friend.
After all, knowing Hidan and Deidara, it was sure to be a surprise.