You Don't Know What You Do to Me
Otherwise known as You Don't Know What Your Fanfic Does to My Brain
This is an intentionally bad Faramir/Éowyn fic written in mockery of the horrid clichés I've seen lately, and also in mockery of how most new writers ultimately fail at the craft due to excessive disregard of Tolkien's original (and better) characterisation. Eru, I miss 2004. I should clarify that I wrote this in March of 2006 (so it's old and has never been seen by anyone other than yours truly) and is not meant to mock a particular author or story. I am also not responsible for the loss of your brain cells. And, of course, I should make clear that I do not write like this on a regular basis, as any of my real fics will prove, and that the mangled English in this fic was done on purpose. My apologies to your dear brain xx
It was a pretty day in Gondor that year and all the birdies was singing happily. Every one was happy. But not Éowyn. She was sad. She was sitting in the garden of the houses of Healing and it was all pretty and green outside. She was sad the only sad person around and once the ring was killed it got worser.
"Hey ya" a guy with fluffie red hair said. "Oh shut up" Éowyn said she didn't like creeps but she thought he was hot and he had a nice six pack and something really nice was protrubing out from his pubic region! "Why are you being rude" the man said. "Im emo omgwtflolz" Éowyn said in reply. Every1 with brainz died theyre hair black end cryed. But yeah the guy said "Well Im sorry but I think we should Talk u seem depressed and I want to help you" Éowyn smiled at this at least he was onest like that kid Orest the author's neighbour once dated. "Ok" she said. "Im Faramir" he said "And you got yourself some nice boobys"
Éowyn blushed and giggled because she knew her boobys were fun to poke especially when they squirted out white stuffs! Faramir laughed too. "So whats your life Like?" "It sucks I just wish I could die and I wish there was somebody to save me!" Faramir cried Éowyn wasnt supposed to suffer and it was then he thought he was begining to fall in love with her: her blue eyes were shining with tears and he needed to help. "Ill save you I love you Éowyn" he said. Éowyn began to cry to and she said "I love you I love you damnitt!" "Ok then I dont!" said Faramir.
"What do you mean" Éowyn cried "You mean you don't love me like you said you did?" "No no" Faramir replied "I do love you but I just can't right now. Plz understand." and he walked back to the palace quickly as if he was avoiding her, and her eyes did not stop folowing him. "Please!" she called "Please come back."
Farameer said nothing and kept walking and not looking back. Éowyn felt like crying and maybe if she bled lots of blood she'd feel a little better. Death is better than this pain is better than this I'd rather be dead by stabbing myself, she thought. But he did not love her and he would not care if she was living, so whats the point she thought. Life was so confusing.
"Faramir" she said one last time. He turned to Éowyn and she could see that tears were running like miniatuere waterfalls on his face and he was very sad. "Oh Éowyn!" he said happily and he ran to her, crying happily and sadly "I missed you so much!" "Dont say that you bastard!" she shouted. He broke her heart and now he was Going to suffer for it. "Don't you think Im worth more then your stupid lyes." "I love you and I need you Im so sorry!" Faramir whaled more little waterfalls growing bigger on his jowls.
Oh damnit Éowyn thought. He loved her but she hated him or thats what she wanted to beleive. Faramir was so sad and he was crying real hard now, begging to be loved and appriciated and held and have his tears dry until they all stopped appeering. "Oh Faramir" she cried "Im so sorry. this was all my fault." "Omg rly!?" Faramir said and they stopped cumming on his face "Yes" Éowyn said smiling happily. He kissed her and took her back to the houses of Healing and they sat together in the garden and talked for a long time until the frogs went to bed in the night.
"do you really love me" Faramir asked "Yes of course why wouldnt i?" she ansered "Well you were mad at me before but I want to ask you something importent, my little eobunny" "What is it" she said. Éowyn felt nervous like she knew something bad to bring the tears and they would start cumming in her eye. Faramir said nothing and she wanted to cry more."what is it!?" she said hardly. "Éowyn my white lady will u marry me?" Faramir said rly fast releived that the words were out. "Well ok" she replied.
"What do you mean ok" a voice in the bushes said. It was Éomer and Éowyn nearly fell from shock and Faramir felt really hardly right now to Éomer he was not going to take her away from him and not let her marry him or feed her to wolverines or something like that. "What do you mean ok" Éomer repeated. "I love him Éomer" Éowyn said and Faramir tried to hide behind Éowyn cos he was scared and Éomer had a big hard lengthy thing in front of him. "Well you cant marry Faramir" Éomer said waving his staff around angrily. It throbbed before them and they were scared.
"Nooooooooooo Éomer!" Éowyn yelled "I love Faramir and were gonna Get married so back off you fucken whore!" "No you can't marry him he's wrong and evil!" Éomer yelled pushing Faramir back into a wall. Faramir fought back and tried real hard but Éomer hit harder and Faramirs lip was bloody. Éowyn felt sad. "Dont hit him anymore Éomer. he doesn't deserve this & Im gonna marry him" she said. "Oh ok" said Éomer "but if he brakes your heart I'll bust a cap in his ass" "Ok" said Éowyn. "Fo sho" said Faramir.
And they all lived happily ever after cos thats how all storys end lolz.