My Guy

By Shakespeare's Girl

Part of the "Smallville: The Musical" Sequence

As the scene opens, we see Clark, smiling a dreamy smile, and humming. The music starts up, and various Freaks of the Week appear wearing Choir robes and carrying three ring binders with what is evidently music in them.

The Choir begins to sway, and Clark begins to sing.

Clark:

There's nothing you can say

Could tear me away from My Guy

(Lex, who is evidently Clark's "Guy" gets pushed out onto stage and Clark grabs his arm and pulls him close. Lex is confused, but goes along with it, as they are together, and they are on stage for some reason.)

There's nothing you can do

Cause I'm stuck like glue to My Guy

Ah ah ah ah

(Lex is confused and grossed out when someone in the Choir throws Elmers Glue at them. Luckily, it hits Clark, who not only isn't hurt, but doesn't seem to notice.)

I'm sticking to My Guy like a stamp to a letter

Like birds of a feather we--

Stick together

(Another Chorus member throws a sheet of "H" stamps at them, they fall far short and miss completely, and nobody really notices because a flock of geese have flown on stage and are now busy trying to honk louder than Clark can sing. The Freak of the Week who can divide himself in two comes forward, divides himself and starts herding the geese away.)

I'm telling you from the start

I can't be torn apart from my guy

(At this, several Choir members grab Clark and attempt to pull him away from Lex, but Clark, being super strong, doesn't budge.)

Cause nothing you could do

Could make me untrue to My Guy

(Chloe dangles a chunk of Kryptonite in front of Clark, who blanches but only grabs at Lex harder.)

Choir:

My guy

Clark:

There's nothing you could buy

Could make me tell a lie to My Guy

Ah ah ah ah

(Jonathon and Martha drive up in a truck that looks suspiciously like the one that Lex bought Clark once upon a time and offer him the keys, but Clark shakes his head no.)

Choir:

My guy, my guy, my guy

Clark:

I gave my guy my word of honor

To be faithful and I'm gonna

(Lana appears and takes Clark's other hand but Clark pulls away and turns his back on her)

You'd best be believing

I won't be decieving my guy

Choir:

Ooooh oooh oooh (etc)

Clark:

As a matter of opinion I think he's tops

My opinion is he's the cream of the crop

(A truckload of Creamed Corn gets dumped on the choir, who are completely oblivious to the fact that they are now standing in a puddle of Creamed Corn.)

As a matter of taste to be exact

He's my ideal as a matter of fact

(Choir stops their oohing)

And no muscle bound man

Could ever take my hand from My Guy

(Whitney and the entire foot ball team come running on stage and attempt to pull Clark away, however, they get no further than the Freaks of the Week did)

Choir:

My Guy

Clark:

And no pretty face

Could ever take the place of My Guy

Ah ah ah ah

(Lana reappears with Lois and they both try to distract Clark, and both fail as he is too busy staring at Lex)

Choir:

My guy, my guy, my guy

Oooh, oooh, oooh, (etc.)

Clark:

He may not be a movie star

But when it comes to being happy--

We are

(Lionel sneaks on stage and joins Jonathon Kent in trying to pull Clark away from Lex. Clark ignores them and keeps singing.)

There's not a man today

Who could take me away from my guy

And no muscle bound man

Choir:

Muscle bound man

Clark:

Could ever take my hand from my guy

(Lionel signals someone off stage, and a bunch of Pro Wrestlers including Hulk Hogan appear and try to pry Clark away from Lex to no avail)

Choir:

My Guy

Clark:

And no handsome face

Choir:

Handsome face

Clark:

Could ever take the place of my guy

Ah ah ah ah

Choir:

My guy my guy my guy

Clark:

He may not be a movie star

But when it comes to being happy--

We are

(Lionel runs off stage one direction and Jonathon runs off the other direction.)

There's not a man today

Who could take me away from my guy

(Lionel returns with a jackhammer and tries to use it to get Clark to let go. All he succeeds in doing is ripping Clark's shirt to shreds, which is not necessarily a bad thing at all.)

Choir:

What'd you say?

Clark:

Theres not a man today who could take me away from my guy

(Jonathon comes back, driving a tractor and chains. He wraps Clark in the chains and tries to drive off, hopefully pulling Clark along too. All that happens is that the tractor's back wheels pull off. Clark is now shirtless and has a chain around his middle. Lex is looking turned on.)

Choir:

Tell me more

Clark:

Theres not a man today who could take me away from my guy

(Lionel and Jonathon confer, and can come up with nothing. In a last ditch attempt, Lionel offers Clark his wallet, but Clark just shakes his head and smiles)

Choir:

What's that?

Clark:

Theres not a man today who could take me away from my guy

(Clark picks up Lex and carries him off stage. Lionel and Jonathon shrug at each other. Martha just smiles. Lana and Lois pout. The choir fades out and walks off. Chloe tosses her chunk of Kryptonite at one of the Freaks of the Week as they pass. He yelps and turns on her, but she holds up one hand and he stops. Chloe walks away to write an expose on Clark and Lex's love affair, and whether or not this will get Gay Marriage bills passed sooner, as Luthors have so much clout.)