Chapter 1: Me and My Tuna-chan

Disclaimer: I don't own Naruto.

Pairing: Kisame/Ino

A/N: This was the pairing that started this entire project. My sister challenged me to write this pairing because it's her favorite crack pairing.

When I think back to how this whole damn mess started all I can do is blame Leader. Blame him and that damn partner of mine.

When I tell him that, Itachi just smirks. He's happy with his arrangement and his little prisoner.

But then again he isn't stuck with a loud mouth disobedient brat like I am. Maybe I should back up to the beginning. I'll just save you the garbage and give you what it all stated with, a scream.

"You kidnapped the wrong girl! Hey are you listening to me?"

She was still screaming. Damn Itachi.

Of course the Uchiha took off as soon as they had succeeded in the kidnapping.

"I'm not interested in this one. Besides kidnapping kunoichi and drawing out the kyubbi is the plan," the sharingan wielder said coldly.

"What the hell are you talking about? You got the wrong girl! YOU WANT SAKURA NOT ME!" the blond loud mouth continued to scream.

Itachi just rolled his eyes.

"Uchiha, you are not leaving me alone with that," I jerked my thumb towards the blond.

Itachi only rolled his eyes. "I have other things to do."

What the hell was his problem? Sure this little brat was loud but he was acting like he was being tortured.

"You like the quiet ones don't you Itachi?"

His sharingan flashed at me. Hit a nerve. It's all too easy to annoy the Uchiha brat.

"There were five kuniochis on the list that had to be kidnapped. We only have one. The remainder should be brought in to be interrogated."

Like that fooled me. He obviously had one he wanted to capture. My money was on the pink haired one that had been obsessed with his brother. Too bad we couldn't just outright capture the kyubbi brat but orders were orders.

Still I ain't no damn babysitter and there's no way I'm going to be one for his sanity. Not that he has much to loose.

But as usual who has to pick up the slack in our partnership? Me that's who. He should be grateful I like enough to do that. Idiot Uchiha but then again I could have ended up with worse partners like Hidan who would've sacrificed me at the beginning.

For two days she's been silent. Itachi's been gone for about week and still I haven't heard one word from the girl. Silence is golden.

"My teammates will find me."

"Sure kid whatever you say."

"Listen here fish-man, I don't like you idiots in Akatsuki. One of you bastards murdered my sensei."

I glance at her. So that's why she's so bloody hostile.

"Being a shinobi is about death, kid. Get used to it."

"Asuma didn't deserve that. He didn't deserve to be sacrificed."

Sacrificed? I curse under my breath.

"Listen kid, I'm going to let you in on a secret. The guy in Akatsuki that's into all the sacrifices ain't on my good list either. Hidan has one too many screws loose."

She blinks back tears. "Why are you mad at him?"

Guess there's no harm in telling her.

"He tried to sacrifice my pet fish."

She starts laughing. "You have a fish. Why Kisame I never knew you were so protective of your pets."

I glare at her biting back a smile. At least she isn't crying anymore.

It's been ten days since my partner took off. Still Ino doesn't stop chattering.

"How old are you?"


"I'm 16. You don't look that old."

I raise an eyebrow to this but keep walking. Honestly, that girl talks about the weirdest things.

"So do you eat fish even though you are one?"

"I'm not a fish! It's a bloodline trait."

"A kekkai-genkai? But you have gills."


"Oh, so do you eat fish then?"

I swear I'm going to kill her. But I got to admit that she's better company than Itachi who rarely speaks. It's like talking to a wall when I'm around him.

It's two weeks before my partner comes back. At this point I want to strangle the bastard but he's got someone with her. A pale quiet girl who looks at me with blank eyes terrified.

What scares the hell out of me is that she's clinging to Itachi.


"Itachi, where the hell have you been?"

"It took longer than I expected to get my prisoner. She was with the kyubbi boy as was Sasori's prisoner."

"You teamed up with Sasori?"

"Not really. We merely ran distractions for each other."

I can hear the kid come from the pool where she was bathing. She knows better than to run off.

"Hey Kisame, what's going on? Who are you—Hinata-chan?"

She runs quick over to Itachi's prisoner and hugs the silent girl.

"Ino-chan, I thought I would never see you again. We heard you were missing. Shikamaru and Chouji think you're dead."

Ino frowned giving me a scathing look. Why the hell should she blame me? I'm not the one that knocked her out.

"It's alright Hinata. Come on you have got to be tired."

Hinata nods as Ino leads her away.

"So it was a quiet one."

Itachi glares at me with his crazy eyes but doesn't say anything.

Of course hell broke out when we got to the Akatsuki headquarters. There were now six women if you count Konan.

"Each of you claim a prisoner. That prisoner is your responsibility," Leader said.

I didn't say anything as I grabbed the loud mouth blond.

"Thought you wanted to get rid of me Sharky," she muttered.

Again with another stupid nickname.

"Trust me kid you'll be grateful you got me instead of one of the others. Who knows if they'd let you live."

She just shivers.

The first time I'll admit I like is her is when I see her practicing her jutsu. She trains like the others do but it's not at the same rate. Each prisoner's different but Ino's my favorite. Maybe it's because she's my prisoner.

"What ya practicing?"

"My hand signs. I need to get quicker," she says pushing her hair out of her face.

Yeah, her hand signs are pathetically slow.

But then again her training method is terrible.

Maybe it's because I'm from Kiri that I see it. In Mist you can't go easy. Someone will kill you if you don't get better.

"You're doing it wrong."

"No I'm not!"

Great now she's going to yell just what I need.

"I'll show you how to do it."

She looks at me like I've got horns growing out of my head but someone's got to get her to train.

"You ready or not kid?"

She glares at me but listens anyway.

So I train with her no big deal. So what if she sleeps in bed? Again, it's something all the other captives have to do too. Not necessarily with me but with their "guardian." So it's no big deal.

Eating with her ain't that big a deal either nor's talking to her. But I'm not stupid I can see the idiots staring. They think there's something weird about the whole thing.

It's not like I like her. Alright maybe I do. Not like I love her. Even though she does that weird pout that gets me to give in. Or I actually pay attention to flowers now because she likes them. Naw, she don't mean anything.

I can hear the other idiots talking before I see them.

"She's annoying, yeah. Don't know how Kisame stands her, yeah."

What I don't know is how I stand the way you talk, yeah. Deidara really shouldn't talk about annoying.

"Her heart would make for an excellent replacement for one of the ones I lost. Maybe she could fetch a good price in the slave market."

That idiot Kakuzu always thinking about money. The kid may be annoying but I'd rather put up with her than let him profit of her.

"She'd make an interesting puppet."

Sasori should go make his own prisoner a puppet. Ino's not annoying compared that Sakura girl. Her little healing and super chakra strength are enough to make her a good test subject

"Jashin would most likely accept her as a sacrifice."

Alright that's it! That's taking it too far. She's my property and I might not be the most possessive ass around here but there's no way in hell I'm letting Hidan sacrifice her. I'm run my sword threw her first.

"Kisame will kill you all before you touch her. He likes her. Besides he's been listening to the whole conversation so he'll know who to target if she disappears."

How the hell did he know? Damn you Itachi.


I'm half asleep when she gets back from visiting with the other girls. They're all like that. Even Konan who I thought had some sense. But women need their girl talk and why should I complain.

"Kisame," she's getting louder and before I know it she'll be screaming. If she wakes up Leader or Konan again I'm a dead man.

"What? Can't you see I'm sleeping brat?"

"You're hogging the bed you selfish fish!"

That's it. No one calls me a fish.

"What the hell's your problem?" I'm trying to rein it in as I turn towards her. "You always complain at night. What the hell did you do to your hair?"

So that's why she woke me up. Her hair which once rivaled Deidara and Itachi's in length as been cut to her shoulders. It makes her look younger than she already is.

"I used to have it this short when I was a kid before Sakura I decided to grow it out for Sasuke."

Itachi's idiot brother. What was it with these women? The kid obviously had serious problems not to pay attention to them. At least he was aware though unlike that idiot Kyubbi kid who could never figure out that Itachi's little prisoner liked him. But by the looks she's been giving Itachi, I'd say the kid's forever sworn off fox and converted to weasel.

She hits me hard in shoulder. Great that's where idiot Deidara hit when we were sparring.

"What the hell Ino?"

"What do you think?"

It looks good on her all admit. She no longer looks like she could be Deidara's sister which always did creep me out. But Ino is Ino and anything she does makes her look good provided her mouth is shut at the time.

"It's fine."

Apparently that's wrong thing to say.


She trying to bite my hand as I cover her mouth but I don't give a damn. This little kunoichi is scary but she doesn't hold a kunai to a pissed off Leader.

"It looks a lot better than the long hair. Now will you shut up and go to sleep?"

She doesn't say anything as I let her go but smiles and cuddles into me.

Okay, so I'll admit I love my little loud mouth not that I'm ever going to tell her that. She'd let it go to her head. Finally sleep and peace. Just me and my girl sleeping without fighting. And then she says it.

"Night Tuna-chan."

A/N: Next up is the Itahina oneshot.