AN: This is my first attempt at writing a slashy story. Even so, it's not explicit, at least in the beginning, it's actually really subtle, and I prefer that things happen with time. I don't have much written, so maybe this prologue will work more as a oneshot for a while, till I have more of it figured out. If the response is good, I'll be more than happy to write more chapters.
If you don't like femlash, or don't feel comfortable reading, then don't! I tried to make the whole thing as real and faithful to the show as possible, seeing as Brooke and Peyton are probably the only possible gay couple that would be totally believable. Plus, I can relate!
Disclaimer: I don't own One Tree Hill, or the characters, or the lines in italic, cause I took them from episodes from seasons 3 and 4.
I didn't go see Pete. I went to see Jake.
That was the moment I realized something had changed for me. Kind of like I'd told Lucas last year: How many moments in your life you can point out and say: that's when it all changed?
Peyton and I have been best friends since we were 8. Everyone knows that. All the teachers, everyone in school, even my parents know that. When Lucas and I started dating, I made it clear from the start: my best friend was never, ever gonna feel like a third wheel. Little did I know I was gonna be the third wheel. What hurt the most when I saw them together wasn't Lucas' betrayal. It was Peyton's. I won't be a hypocrite and say he didn't hurt me. I was falling for him, at least it seemed like it. I'd never had any experience with love. Real love. So, the way I cared about him, the way I felt when we were together... I could only assume that's what it was all about. I was finally letting my guard down around a guy. For the first time, I cared enough to do that. But it's not like I wouldn't get over it, eventually. It was so much harder with her, though. She knows me better than any other person in the world. She knew, better than anyone else could, how much I try to protect my heart, by never showing it to people. Lucas was getting small glimpses of it. But Peyton had it in her hands. She always did. And she always kept it safe. She was the only person I trusted completely. That's what killed me. I wasn't as mad at her as I made it look like. At Lucas, yeah, I was pissed, but not at her. I was too disappointed to be mad. But what made me really angry was the fact that I couldn't hate her, no matter how much I tried. I just had to pretend like I did, in order to protect my heart again. But she wouldn't go away, and I'm so thankful for that. She finally convinced me she wouldn't lie again, and I convinced myself I wouldn't get hurt. I'd tell myself anything to have my best friend back.
I got back together with Lucas, and my life was perfect. I had a boyfriend I truly loved, and I had the best friend I could've asked for. Everything was fixed, everything was alright again. Too good to be true.
I went to see Jake. My stomach turned when I heard the words. But I honestly didn't know why. That was a good thing for her, right? I should be happy for her. But she didn't look much happy herself. I smiled and tried to suppress the sudden fear that came over me. I was always pretty good at this, anyway. If things worked out between her and Jake, she'd probably move to Savannah. That's way too far. Maybe that was the reason I suddenly felt that way. I kinda felt the same thing when I went to California for the summer. But it wasn't that intense, then. Probably cause this time it'd be for good. So you're probably wondering how someone can be this selfish as to be sad when their best friend tells you she just saw the love of her life again, after being miserable for so long, missing him. Thing is, if Jake would always be there for her, why would she need me around for? Well, I wouldn't even be around, living in a different city. Alright, I'm going crazy. It's not like they're getting married or anything.
Lucas is back today. Are you excited to see him?
I didn't lie to her. I missed him, sure. But I wasn't as dependent on him anymore. I was learning to be ok by myself. And I don't mean being alone. Just... being by myself sometimes.
She was too weird since she came back from Savannah. I knew it in my guts, that she had something to say, and it wouldn't be good. But I chose to ignore it, hoping maybe it'd go away and the day would end without any drama. I kept thinking of a reason for her to be like that. Maybe she actually was moving in with him, leaving Tree Hill for good. Maybe they did it and she thought she was pregnant. Oh, yeah, they do it, and two days later she knows. Way to go, Brooke. You're definitely losing it.
I think I still have feelings for Lucas.
Yup, that should do it. Again, I should be mad. She just told me she has feelings for my boyfriend. But I only feel that fear, coming back stronger than ever. I sleep in my car so that I don't have to face her. I yell, I scream, so that I don't have to face what I feel. Cause I don't like it, even though I don't know what it is. Slap. I look into her eyes, and it nearly kills me. She wants Lucas? She can have him, as long as I don't have to see any of them, ever again. I'm sick of being afraid to lose them. So I may as well just get used to the fact that I already did.
As far as I'm concerned, this friendship is over. And if we never speak again for the rest of our lives, that will be fine.
I suddenly hear myself saying the words out loud, almost like I said last year. I lied before. I'm lying again. Only last year she didn't buy it. This time, she did.
They looked happy. I hadn't talked to any of them in so long, and they walked around, smiling and giggling. They were happy, and the fact that I wasn't a part of their lives anymore didn't seem to get in the way of that. I stopped picking up fights when I realized she'd gotten to a point when she would just brush me off. She didn't even care enough to fight back. I thought she'd given up, but she hadn't. She wouldn't fight, but she'd try to talk to me from time to time. I just ignored it.
Then something happened. Derek, or, as I found out later, Ian. I swear, when I heard about the attack I almost passed out. But I still couldn't bring myself to say anything. When I thought of talking to her, Lucas would be there, too. And it brought it all back, reminding me of the reason I was keeping distant in the first place. I had to protect my heart this time, and, whatever I had to do in order to achieve that, I would. I kept telling myself that, even though it hurt like hell to be away, it'd be even worse if I let her back in and she hurt me again. That was a small comfort, but it kept me from getting too close. She didn't need me when Ian attacked her. She didn't need me, cause her beloved Lucas was there.
But then, all of a sudden, he wasn't. When the possibility of losing him became too real, they were already together. Haley was hurt, too, so Nathan had a lot on his mind. Karen was worried sick about her son. There was no one there for Peyton, this time. And I couldn't stand to leave her alone in a situation like that.
She was in that same spot. Only I could've found her there, cause no one else knew about that place. She asked me if we could be friends again. I said yes.
Those two simple words had a meaning and an impact on me that she'd probably never understand. No, things could never be like before. But not because I didn't want to. God, I wanted to explain, but I couldn't even explain it to myself. Like before... when I'd run to her place, cause I couldn't stand my parents fighting anymore; when her dad would take us to dinner on my birthday, cause my parents weren't even home to celebrate it with me; when she'd go to my place after he mom died, and cry herself to sleep. And I'd be right beside her. It was always normal with us... that we cared so much about each other, that I'd get mad when she went out with Nathan, that she'd miss me when I went out with Felix. It was normal that I was so scared of not having her in my life anymore. Of course it was normal. Since we were kids, she's been the one constant thing in my life. When everyone went away, she was still there. Always. At least till Lucas came along. Lucas was just like her. I guess that's why I cared so much about him, why I liked him that much, so fast. But, with time, it was like he took my place in her life. Of course I was pissed. Anyone who was suddenly losing their best friend would've felt the exact same thing. Right?
I'm sorry, Peyton, I don't think so. Like before is gone.
She probably thinks I can't forgive her. She has no idea that being the one who was saying these words hurt so much more than being the one who was hearing them. As they came out of my mouth, it was like the truth finally hit me. Like before was gone. And it wasn't coming back.
Even when I thought it was, the past came back to bite me in the ass. That night with Nathan meant nothing. He was a jerk, I was pissed, cause she'd been ditching me all week to go out with him. Or to fight with him. I wasn't even thinking. They were broken up, so there was nothing wrong, really. I just wanted to hook up with a guy. That was my drug, to make me forget everything. Too bad we forgot to destroy the tape. And then she hated me. And I had screwed things up again. Sure, we weren't best friends anymore, we didn't even hang out anymore, but at least we were talking. Punch in the face. That oughta do it. The silent war suddenly wasn't so silent anymore. At least now she knew what it was like. Betrayal. It should be a relief that she was finally feeling at least a bit of what I felt during all this time. Usually, it would be. With anyone else, it would be. Not with Peyton. When we fought, I didn't wanna hurt her. I just wanted to get the hell away from there. Maybe if I could stop being selfish and just walked away, things would be better for the both of us. I had to learn not to miss her. Apparently, she'd already done that, a long time ago.
Brooke, this has been one of the worst years in my life. And I needed my best friend more than ever.
I know she kept talking, but I barely heard anything else after that. She needed me? What the hell did she mean by that? The year she finally got Lucas, and it was still one of the worst years of her life? She needed me more than ever. And I wasn't there. He was always there, hovering around her to help her with anything she needed. But they can be alike, they can like and think the same things, he still doesn't know her like I do. No one does. He probably didn't know that even though she tried to isolate herself at first, she needed someone there. She wanted someone to not listen and just stay with her. He didn't know the look in her eyes that meant she actually needed some time alone after a while, which meant it was time to give her some space. He didn't know that calling a complete stranger, even if it was the brother she never met, would never have the same effect as surrounding her with her friends, maybe even calling her dad. I'm not saying he didn't help, I'm just saying I would've changed some things. It's just like Rachel tried to do on my birthday. She had the best intentions, but she simply doesn't know me. Peyton would've done it differently, Peyton would've done it better.
My mom's dead. And as far as I'm concerned, so are you.
I couldn't think of what to say. I wanted to say everything and nothing at the same time. But she soon closed the door, not giving me a choice. When I thought of her, feeling all I felt, I never stopped to think of what would be like for me to be on the other side. To hear what she heard from me when I said I didn't care anymore. It was worse than fighting. It was too final.
When I got the dress back and saw what she wrote in it, and smiled, Mouth thought I was crazy. But it's not that hard to understand, really. It meant she hadn't let go, yet. She still cared enough, even if it was to fight. I wasn't the only one who still cared. I had to talk to her, had to find a way to get through to her, to say I was sorry and hopefully hear an apology, too. I had to tell my best friend that, between her and Lucas, she'd always come first. Between her and the world, she'd come first. I still didn't quite understand what it meant, but it didn't matter. She needed to know.
Should I continue? Please let me know what you think.