Title: Orochimaru's Sex Education Class (And Other Sordid Affairs)

Authors: Abbandon and DarlingMalfunction

Rating: M

Words: 1,242

Note: This one stands alone. It would be nice if you also read "Go To Bed, Sasuke!" and "Dearest Little Brother", also made by us. They are in either of our fanfiction arsenals. Look them up. Check them out.

Summary: Sasuke was taught lots of things. Just not the things that would help reach his goal of reviving his clan. So, Orochimaru has come to help him.

Warning: This is pure, honest, and unadulterated crack. That is all this was. I promise. This is what staying up all night and rambling does to you. I don't advise it. Okay, maybe I do. But, we are just going to keep doing anyway.

A & DM

Orochimaru: Well Sasuke, since I have taken you from the Leaf Village before all of your training was complete; I am going to teach you Sexual Education. You must raise your hand if you want to speak.

Sasuke: (raises hand) Ummm…Orochimaru-sensei, I thought that I came here to learn new techniques so that I can defeat Itachi. Why are you teaching me this stuff as well?

Orochimaru: Weeeeellll Sasuke, that is because this will also help you learn… other things…

Sasuke: But, what does it have to do with defeating Itachi? I don't understand…

Orochimaru: ON TO THE LESSON! (rips sheet away from large blackboard depicting very well-drawn picture of a naked male with all of the anatomical parts labeled) This is a male body. (points to genitals with pointer) And these are the reproductive parts of the male… the penis, the scrotum, etc…

Sasuke: I still don't understand why I need to learn something Kakashi explained to us, two weeks after we became his students.

Orochimaru: Kakashi taught you… never mind… continuing on. (Orochimaru flips around the blackboard to reveal a badly-drawn picture of a woman) This is a woman. You, being an Uchiha and all, have probably seen quite a few of these things, and know what whiny, selfish, stupid little…

Kabuto: (from behind the door) Ummm… Orochimaru-sama, I think he gets the point.

Orochimaru: (cough) Oh yes… of course. Okay, this is a female body. Their reproductive organs… well… they don't really matter. All you need to know is that they can have babies.

Sasuke: (raises hand) Kakashi-sensei told me that women were also suppliers of endless pleasure?

Orochimaru: Kakashi WOULD say something like that. He lied to you. Like everyone else in your life.

Sasuke: But why would he…


Kabuto: Now now, he's not useless for what you need him for, Orochimaru-sama. (coughs) Bastard.

Sasuke: You are the useless one….

Kabuto: I was here first. OROCHIMARU-SAMA LOVES ME MORE!

Sasuke: (twitches) I…don't…..care?


Orochimaru: Come on Kabuto, stop being a jealous wife.

Kabuto: Yes Oro-…wait...wife?

Orochimaru: Yes, that is what you're good for. Bitch.

Kabuto: Yes, Orochimaru-sama.

Sasuke: (raises hand) So, does that mean he is my bitch too?

Orochimaru: In time Sasuke, in time.

Sasuke: Aww, damn.

Kabuto: Oh hell to the no. I will never be his bitch. EVER.

Sasuke: Ha, bitch.

Kabuto: Orochimaru-samaaaaaa, Sasuke keeps calling me bitch.

Orochimaru: (shrugs) He's more powerful than you, and he is only 12.

Kabuto: No he isn't!

Orochimaru: What I say goes. It's my lair.

Kabuto: (quietly) I helped build it….

Sasuke: What was that, bitch?

Kabuto: (sigh) Nothing, Sasuke.

Orochimaru: He is your superior. Call him Sasuke-san.

Sasuke: No, Sasuke-sama.

Orochimaru: No. I'm the only one he can honor with 'sama'.

Sasuke: Whatever. We're not even in Japan really. We are in some random made up world.

Orochimaru: ….What?

Sasuke: (raises hand) So, women are useless?

Orochimaru: Oh. Yes. They are. Time to come out Kabuto!

Kabuto: No. Not like this.

Sasuke: Oh, no you have to. I say so.

Orochimaru: Now Sasuke, I'm the only one who can order him around right now.

Kabuto: He really does care!


Kabuto: FINE! (walks out of closet in a long woman's dress with blue flowers)

Sasuke: Ow… I think…my brain just broke.

Orochimaru: Aw, now isn't that precious…

Kabuto: I hate you. I really do.

Orochimaru: Nooooo you don't.

Kabuto: Yes, I do.

Orochimaru: (sways hips) Oh noooo you don't.

Kabuto: ….Okay. I just hate Sasuke.

Orochimaru: Good boy. Good boy.

Sasuke: Do you NOT see my brain breaking over here?

Kabuto: Shut up, Sasuke!

Orochimaru: You can't tell him what to do, Kabuto.

Kabuto: You like him better. UGH!

No, I only like his body better.


Orochimaru: Oh little boy…. (pats Sasuke's head)

Sasuke: (twitches) Oh my god. Go away. Please?

Orochimaru: No.

Sasuke: Fuck this noise.

Kabuto: I'll be your body Orochimaru...

Orochimaru: We've been through this, no, you're not hot enough. Plus you are my doctor. Duh, Kabuto.

Sasuke: (starts to inch away)

Kabuto: (in a girly voice) Would it turn you on more if I pretended to be a girl?

Orochimaru: ...Lets analyze that for a moment. Since when did I like girls?

Sasuke: (gets closer to the end of the cave)

Kabuto: Um…Orochimaru…

Orochimaru: (still rambling) I mean, come on. It's probably the most OBVIOUS thing in this entire series. I am an anime Michael Jackson. Wow. Not hard.

Sasuke: (runs away out of the lair)

Kabuto: Um…Orochimaru…Sasuke…

Orochimaru: Did I say that I liked girls ever? I thought I made it quite clear that…


Orochimaru: WHAT?!?!

Kabuto: Your precious body is escaping…

Orochimaru: What the…SASUKE!

Kabuto: Heh. Nice.

Orochimaru: You planned this. You got me on one of my tangents. You did this!

Kabuto: I didn't make you go on and on about how creepy you are.

Orochimaru: Hey, you seem to like me and all my creepy-ness.

Kabuto: Yes…I mean…no. I mean…UGH GO GET SASUKE!

Orochimaru: Oh yeah. Him.

Sasuke: (still running) I will never be a mean emo bastard again. I promise. Just let me get away from that creepy snake mofo.

Orochimaru: (suddenly in front of Sasuke) Let the defection begin…

Sasuke: God damnit.


Sasuke: So…can I go now?

Orochimaru: No.

Sasuke: Fuck this.

Orochimaru: What was that?

Sasuke: Sorry Orochimaru-sama…

Kabuto: (sigh)

Orochimaru: Oh go away and get that dress back on. Sasuke no longer amuses me. His abs are showing though that outfit and… well…let's just say I can't stare at that for too long.

Kabuto: Bastard. BASTARD!

Sasuke: Oh yeah. I knew I'd end up being sexier than my brother.

Orochimaru: I never said that.

Sasuke: Aww…

Kabuto: I heard you have a new rival, Sasuke.

Sasuke: No such thing could ever exist. I am the 1337 hAX0r.

Kabuto: No, for one, that's Neji. Number two, his name is Sai. He "apparently" is your replacement. He "apparently" looks just like you. He "apparently" is treading on your territory. He "apparently" is ravaging your women. And he "apparently" is calling Naruto dickless.

Sasuke: No! Only I can insult that dobe. Only I can ravage my women! Even though I never got the chance. (glares at Orochimaru) I HAD A LIFE!

Orochimaru: I AM your life.

Sasuke: Yes…Orochimaru-sama. Wait. No.

Orochimaru: Yes.


Kabuto: The defection is wearing off!

Orochimaru: YOU ALWAYS DO THIS! YOU ALWAYS TRY TO TURN SASUKE AGAINST ME! You just HAD to tell him about Sai. Sai was my trump card!

Kabuto: (drumming fingers together) Good. Good.

Sasuke: I must go find Naruto and insult him and go find my women and ravage them with all this suppressed sexual tension. (flees)

Orochimaru: God damnit. You turned him onto women. I had him androgynous and almost into me. You RUINED IT!

Kabuto: Good. Good.

Orochimaru: STOP THAT! You know not of what I DESIRE!

Kabuto: Oh, but I do!

Orochimaru: SHUT UP!

Kabuto: Just so you don't accuse me of obstructing your plans anymore, I'll tell you he's leaving again.

Orochimaru: You know what? Fuck this plan. I'm getting Sai. And if that doesn't work, I'm going to Germany.

Kabuto: I heard it's nice there.

(Deep in the forest)

Sasuke: (far away from the lair) I'm FREE!

Sai: Oh no your not.

Sasuke: Shit.

A & DM

A/N: Hope you all enjoyed this one as well. Crack seems to be a specialty of ours. Like I said above, please look up and read "Go To Bed, Sasuke!" and "Dearest Little Brother." They are crackalicious. Read and review please!